Sex & Romance
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

No sex - is he just being respectful?

2»

Re: No sex - is he just being respectful?

  • It seems that the main issue is not living in your parents' home.  Something is not right in your relationship.  Maybe you need counseling. 
  • image magsugar13:

    You have an excuse and justification for everything that is so obviously wrong to everyone here.

    If you want an adult relationship than you must start acting like an adult and not relying on mommy and daddy to provide for you while you are waiting for your home.

    Stop complaining and DO something if it bothers you so much. If not than just accept the fact that for the next year you will not be haivng sex.

    I would put money on....you wont be having much more even after you get into your own house. I think there is a lot more going on here than just living with mommy?!

    This is exactly, exactly what I was thinking. All of it really, but especially the bolded. It's exhausting trying to give advice to someone who clearly doesn't want to hear it.

  • Based on your responses to my posts, you are a 25 year old woman who is finishing law school (perhaps debt free?), has a job waiting for her and received a signing bonus.  Given the long distance to school, you stay there during the week (at a hotel?  friend's couch? own apartment?) and return to your childhood home on weekends where your fiance now lives with your parents.  You guys have bought a house (with money supplied by your family) that will not be ready for another 12 months (so construction hasn't even started).  You have never lived with your boyfriend in an environment that didn't have parental supervision.  And you guys don't have sex very often.

    Seriously, take your signing bonus and rent a studio apartment in a location equidistant from your respective jobs for the year until your house is ready.  Find out what he is really like, what you guys are like *as a couple*, without your parents around as a buffer/excuse/refuge.  Consider it pre-marital counseling. 

  • I still don't get the whole "I am of healthy weight"...WTF does that mean?

    Weird. 

  • image shoegal715:
    image Maybride2:

    Paying rent isn't "pissing money away".  It's being an adult and paying to put your own roof over your head instead of living like a mooch under someone elses.

    When I was a teenager, I might have gotten a little bit of a naughty thrill out of making out in my boyfriend's room when his parents were down the hall.  Nowadays?  Yuck.  Nothing could be a bigger turn off.  And I'd think that my DH was a skeev if being around my parents got him horny.

     

    Yeah, I do think rent is pissing away money in my situation. I think we differ on this, because I do think it's pissing money away when my parents have said they do not want us wasting money on rent, when they are more than happy to have us live here. And mooching, seriously? They're my parents. We aren't mooching.

    I understand though that this arrangement is causing problems, which is why I said that we're going to start investigating other options.  

    Did your parents also say that it was okay for you to get married?  Did they also say that you are allowed to go out on Friday night?  Or are they really cool and just let you do what you want?  Man I wish my parents were that cool when I was a kid.  Oh wait. . .are you a kid?  Or are you a freakin' adult?

    Adults who are getting married don't need to live with their family.  They pay rent.  Unless you are disabled and unable to live on your own, it is mooching. 

    I wouldn't have sex with you either if I was your FI.  With that said, I wouldn't want to bone your FI if I were you either. 

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Okay, so he went from living as a kid with his dad to living as a kid with your parents and liking it, with a SO who also lives with her parents and likes it.  No wonder he doesn't want to have sex - you both think like kids!  This is basically a high school romance between people who are way too old for it.
    image
  • image shoegal715:

    Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the responses. 

    I think he likes living with my parents, because we're saving a hell of a lot of money so when the down payment time comes, we'll have a lot of money. He and I don't want to piss that money away on rent, but I understand now that a good and happy life together trumps rent money.

    You THINK he likes living with your parents?!? You have never had a  conversation about how he feels about it? It seems to me you should sit down and talk about how he feels about living with your parents. How is your communication? If you cannot communicate about big things (like how he feels about where you dwell) how will you handle communicating throughout life?

    image image
  • image Amy_Justin:
    image shoegal715:

    Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the responses. 

    I think he likes living with my parents, because we're saving a hell of a lot of money so when the down payment time comes, we'll have a lot of money. He and I don't want to piss that money away on rent, but I understand now that a good and happy life together trumps rent money.

    You THINK he likes living with your parents?!? You have never had a  conversation about how he feels about it? It seems to me you should sit down and talk about how he feels about living with your parents. How is your communication? If you cannot communicate about big things (like how he feels about where you dwell) how will you handle communicating throughout life?

    Yeah you are right. We never talked about it because it's never been a primary issue - him liking or not liking it. I think he just assumed I was happy with this situation, and vice versa. We both just see this as a transition until our house is ready.

    In terms of everything else, he is just perfect. We truly have a wonderful relationship. He is extremely kind, generous and considerate. He goes out of his way to make me happy - except in the bedroom. But I get now that it's because even though we have our own floor / own bathroom and kitchen, it's still my parent's place. 

    We actually talked last night about what you and other posters are saying, and we're meeting with a realtor next week to look at lease options. 

    And I know you didn't bring this up, but someone else did: I am an adult, even though I worry about my mom being lonely eating alone without my dad. Being empathetic towards another family member does not equal being a child. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • image jonesdouglas:

    I still don't get the whole "I am of healthy weight"...WTF does that mean?

    Weird. 

    A lot of times, and naturally, if a person has gained a significant amount of weight, their partner might not find them as less sexually desirable. It's harsh, but natural. I said that so people wouldn't have to ask if that's one of the reasons why our sex life has been dwindling. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Have a talk with him to see if he finds it uncomfortable to have sex in your parents home.  If so, go out to dinner and a nice hotel once a month.  If he says it's not weird for him to have sex in their home, then you need to have a talk about why his sex drive has dropped off.
    image Visit The Nest! Love to scrapbook!
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    Okay, so he went from living as a kid with his dad to living as a kid with your parents and liking it, with a SO who also lives with her parents and likes it.  No wonder he doesn't want to have sex - you both think like kids!  This is basically a high school romance between people who are way too old for it.

    I'm not trying to criticize you, I'm trying to understand your point. Based on your opinion, does that mean you feel that people who are engaged and not living together or not living in their own space are "kids"? That's a pretty vast generalization, no? The overwhelming majority of couples DO NOT live together in their mat. home before they are married, so does that mean they are kids too? Or is our situation somehow unique? I understand it's not ideal, but I don't think living with parents = being kids. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I didn't live with my DH until marriage.  I lived in an apartment in my parents' basement (basically never saw them) and then in a dorm.  DH lived on his own a while too.  We weren't kids, we didn't believe in living together, but we sure as heck didn't live with mommy and daddy together.  I would live with him alone before I lived with him with my parents, especially for over two or three months.

    Sounds like a miserable equation for a miserable relationship - and sex life.  You're the one who posted with the sex problems, honey.  This is the root of the cause.  What are you going to do about it?  Get over it, get defensive to a bunch of Internet strangers trying to honestly answer your question, or try to change the situation and actually make a better sex life for yourself and your FI?

  • My H and I have been married 4 months.  We lived in separate apartments before we were married and when we went to visit my parents or his, even after we were engaged, we stayed in separate bedrooms.  A few weeks ago we drove 5 hours to see my family for the first time since our wedding in Jan. When everyone finally turned in, H and I were given a room alone.  He wanted to, but I felt very uncomfortable having sex in my parents' house with my siblings down the hall (even though they're all adults over 20) and my parents downstairs.  I'm thinking your FI probably feels the same since you mentioned earlier you think he likes living there but don't know.  Talk about it and figure out if he, like I did, feels awkward about sex in your family's home. We did, and even though DH wasn't happy, he grudgingly understood my reasons for not wanting to.

    As for saving money, I understand your situation, but I'm thinking if you want to live together you should take the suggestions of other posters and cut back on expenses in other areas. 

  • image holubob:

    My H and I have been married 4 months.  We lived in separate apartments before we were married and when we went to visit my parents or his, even after we were engaged, we stayed in separate bedrooms.  A few weeks ago we drove 5 hours to see my family for the first time since our wedding in Jan. When everyone finally turned in, H and I were given a room alone.  He wanted to, but I felt very uncomfortable having sex in my parents' house with my siblings down the hall (even though they're all adults over 20) and my parents downstairs.  I'm thinking your FI probably feels the same since you mentioned earlier you think he likes living there but don't know.  Talk about it and figure out if he, like I did, feels awkward about sex in your family's home. We did, and even though DH wasn't happy, he grudgingly understood my reasons for not wanting to.

    As for saving money, I understand your situation, but I'm thinking if you want to live together you should take the suggestions of other posters and cut back on expenses in other areas. 

    That's good advice, thank you. We're looking for leases now. I hate paying rent when I have a mortgage coming, but I like sex and happiness more than I hate rent :)

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think from almost the start of this thread the OP said they were going to look for a place of their own.

     However, I think it is pretty harsh how people have been jumping on her for planning to live with her mom for 1.5 years to start with. She is in law school they are buying a house. It is called your parents helping you by letting them stay with you for awhile, and it is no crime at 25 when you are in school and getting married soon. Chill out.  

    Also, what on earth is weird about liking to have dinner with and spend time with your mom? Some people are close to their parents! How terrible!

     In the OP's situation it does sound better to get a place of your own with your FI. You need to get a taste of living together as a couple without parents. If the sex issues persist you will need to reevaluate things. 

  • She just posted on buying a house. Op I was willing to give this whole situation the benefit of the doubt until....I read "I love living alone because it allows me to be free and do whatever the hell I want". I think you need to re evaluate getting married in a year. I'm on my phone so I can't link her new post to this.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image Tennis Chick:
    She just posted on buying a house. Op I was willing to give this whole situation the benefit of the doubt until....I read "I love living alone because it allows me to be free and do whatever the hell I want". I think you need to re evaluate getting married in a year. I'm on my phone so I can't link her new post to this.

     

    Hmmm, I agree that is concerning. 

  • Get an apartment & clear this issue up BEFORE the wedding.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards