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Don't know what to do

Trust me this isn't MUD.  I couldn't make this up if I tried.  I am a long-time lurker, but thought I would ask about my current situation. 

DH and I were married last June and have been together for 4 years. We are friends with a lot of his co-workers as they are around the same age.  Anyway couple of months ago he went on a business trip with one girl CW and they proceeded to get drunk and she flashed him and started touching herself, asking to kiss his ear/neck, etc.  He claims nothing else happened and the next day she told him he was "good DH".

Anyway he waits to tell me this until after she moves away to her bf's in another state.  And after this had happened but before she moved away, I will admit I got jealous of her and confronted Dh about their emotional relationship.  She was telling DH about her finances and asking him to run over and fix her car, etc. And I actually apologized about getting jealous.

So he says nothing else ever happened, but he waited until she moved away.  Sigh, i don't know what to do or what to be the most mad about...

Re: Don't know what to do

  • image jacq2423:

    Trust me this isn't MUD.  I couldn't make this up if I tried.  I am a long-time lurker, but thought I would ask about my current situation. 

    DH and I were married last June and have been together for 4 years. We are friends with a lot of his co-workers as they are around the same age.  Anyway couple of months ago he went on a business trip with one girl CW and they proceeded to get drunk and she flashed him and started touching herself, asking to kiss his ear/neck, etc.  He claims nothing else happened and the next day she told him he was "good DH".

    Anyway he waits to tell me this until after she moves away to her bf's in another state.  And after this had happened but before she moved away, I will admit I got jealous of her and confronted Dh about their emotional relationship.  She was telling DH about her finances and asking him to run over and fix her car, etc. And I actually apologized about getting jealous.

    So he says nothing else ever happened, but he waited until she moved away.  Sigh, i don't know what to do or what to be the most mad about...

    This lady is NO lady and your H had no business being with her.

    So this is the "Christ Was I Drunk Last Night" Syndrome that he's caught. This was also an inappropriate relationship.

    GET TESTED. You have no assurance he wasn't physically involved with her.

     More has gone on with them than meets the eye. I*'d show him the door on the basis that this was an inappropriate relationship --- and who gets drunk on a business trip? Wow, his boss would love to hear THAT one....IF indeed it's gtrue they were loaded which somehow I'm betting is a lie he's told.

  • So before you knew about this incident, you already has issue w/ this girl and their friendship?

    Yeah....  I wouldn't be so quick to believe your DH. "Nothing happened" but he continued some kind of friendship w/ her that made you uncomfortable and that involved him going over to her house?  Did he actually go?

    If he did.... I dnot' think he was fixing her car. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I would be suspicious of the "she flashed me and touched herself but I didn't do anything at all so she gave me her stamp of approval on my husband skills," story. Very suspicious.

    What reason did he give you for telling you when he did? That in and of itself will probably be very telling. 

  • What are they, sixteen buggering years old? Who in their right mind and who that is resposnible gets tight on a company trip???

     Something stinks on ice here. GL with whatever you choose to do.

     

  • I've been on many business trips.  I've gone out drinking with coworkers afterwards.  We've gotten drunk.  At a bar.  Where on earth were they that she was flashing him and touching herself? That screams hotel room to me. 

     I would not believe him that nothing happened and that he was running over to fix her car.  If he tried to make you feel as if you were being crazy/jealous, it's because he was feeling guilty. 

     If nothing happened, he would have told you immediately after the business trip what went on.  The reason he probably didn't tell you is because he knew you'd confront her and he was still involved so he couldn't have that happen. 

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    If there was really nothing going on, your H would have avoided her LIKE THE PLAGUE after the touching incident!  Ewww! 

    I'd tell your H to move out until he wants to come clean.  Even if it was an emotional affair (which I don't believe), your relationship will never repair until he admits he did something wrong. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image moodonna:

    I've been on many business trips.  I've gone out drinking with coworkers afterwards.  We've gotten drunk.  At a bar.  Where on earth were they that she was flashing him and touching herself? That screams hotel room to me. 

     I would not believe him that nothing happened and that he was running over to fix her car.  If he tried to make you feel as if you were being crazy/jealous, it's because he was feeling guilty. 

     If nothing happened, he would have told you immediately after the business trip what went on.  The reason he probably didn't tell you is because he knew you'd confront her and he was still involved so he couldn't have that happen. 

    Ditto that. They got drunk someplace private enough for her to give him a show. That alone is inappropriate.

    I'm curious why he told you at all. I don't put myself in situations like this, but if I did, I sure as hell would keep quiet about it.

    image

    I wrote this! 
  • I wouldn't believe him for a second. Why did he wait to tell you this??? Why would he continue a friendship with her after she did such a thing?? He is not a "good DH" for one putting himself in that position and two not telling you it happened. And how did he allow her to get so close to actually kiss his neck and ear!??! I agree with pp how could she have done those things AT A BAR!? He had her in a hotel room or a car ALONE.

    I know this is hard to wrap your head around right now but I'd be willing to bet they had an affair.

    Kick him out and in a couple weeks decide if it's worth doing counseling. And to reiterate PP, get yourself tested.

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Also are you sure this was a "business trip"?? Are you 100% sure they didn't go somewhere on their own?
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • image moodonna:

    I've been on many business trips.  I've gone out drinking with coworkers afterwards.  We've gotten drunk.  At a bar.  Where on earth were they that she was flashing him and touching herself? That screams hotel room to me. 

    I was just thinking the same thing.  But get this...

    years ago, at a goodbye happy hour for a fellow CW, 3 other CW's thought it would be SO FUNNY to flash the exiting CW as a "goodbye" present.  They grabbed him, took him off to the pool table room (where no one was) and flashed him. 

    Yeah.... shockingly, on Monday, when people tried to joke about it, one of the girls shut the topic down FAST.  Just a tad embarassed.

    But that doesnn't seem to be what happened here....

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I know he waited to tell me, because he still wanted to be friends with her.  he also ended up telling me on his next business trip when he got really drunk again.  He said it happened in the car when he was driving them back to the hotel.

    I at least know it was a business trip because of the nature of their work.  A bunch of them like 10-20 go on these trips every couple of months...

  • "I know he waited to tell me, because he still wanted to be friends with her."

    I think this is all you need to know to know that he's not a trustworthy guy.  Whether or not you want to spend any more time with a guy you can't trust is your call.

    image
  • image jacq2423:

    I know he waited to tell me, because he still wanted to be friends with her. 

    You do realize he was choosing her, a "friend", over you, his wife.  You do realize that, right?  Are you o.k. w/ that?  W/ coming in 2nd to a coworker "friend" who made moves on him? 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Wow.  That is exactly how I am feeling.  I even said that to him last night.  Like I said I don't know which part to be the maddest about.  We would even have this girl over for dinner.  She was supposed to be my friend too.

     The problem is I want to trust him.

  • Well, sure, you want to trust him.  You're married to him and feel stuck with him, so it'd be great if he were trustworthy.  But he isn't.  This isn't on you to trust him - it's on him to have integrity.  How does he justify this behavior?
    image
  • "good husband" is pretty subjective.  To her he could have touched her, kissed her back, hell done everything short of penetration and she might think he is a "good husband." 

    Maybe they did go all the way and only did it once or twice and she still thinks he is a good husband. 

    Hell maybe they did it a bunch of times but he never left her for you and she still thinks he is a "good husband."

    I don't know what to tell you but I wouldn't trust him.

  • I don't think anything happen between them only because of "why would your DH bother mentioning it at all?  If he was going to lie he would have lied about the whole scenario. And yes, he may be leaving out a few things to not upset you.

    You just got married and the girl moved away. If it continues to bother seek counseling and talk to your DH. This is not ground for divorce unless he's cheated in the past and you still do not trust him.

    There's a lot girls out there who does not care if a man is married.Some women just wants the attention.

  • Kenk500, I think it's up to the OP if this is grounds for divorce or not. 

    To the OP, as you've said, what's almost worse than this happening in the first place is that he hid it from you to protect their friendship.  That's the part that I would find unforgivable.  If he was really innocent in all of this and bothered by her behavior he would have told you immediately. 

    Instead he kept it from you so they could maintain their 'friendship' and you had her in your home Ick!  I'm sorry you are going through this, but I don't know how you trust him after that.

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    image EastCoastBride:
    image jacq2423:

    I know he waited to tell me, because he still wanted to be friends with her. 

    You do realize he was choosing her, a "friend", over you, his wife.  You do realize that, right?  Are you o.k. w/ that?  W/ coming in 2nd to a coworker "friend" who made moves on him? 

    Ditto this!

    If nothing else, you need to point out to him that this woman (and anyone else who pulls similar stunts) who is not a "friend to the marriage" - who tries to undermine your marital relationship - is NOT a friend, and cannot be a friend to either of you.

    Of course, this goes both ways.  Parents who tell you you should have married your successful ex-boyfriend, a guy who makes moves on you.....is not a friend to your marriage either. 

    I would put your foot down and tell H that he is no longer allowed to contact his "friend."  If he must do business with her, it's business only.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Women intuition is usually right on!  If you had a bad feeling about their realtionship before you knew this, now you know the reason.  If he was a "good husband"  he would have told you about this right when he got home.  He would have kept the realtionship with her strictly proffessional.  Why was their "friendship" more important than your marriage?

  • When DH and I were first dating he had a girl friend who suddenly called him at 2am and said she wanted him and various ways. Not only did he tell me, he told her he could not remain friends with her and never spoke to her again...

    Again this was when we were first dating. He realized this friendship was becoming inappropriate and let it go because keeping me in his life was more important to him. Your husband should have let go of this "friendship" a long time ago. The fact that he still wants her in his life says a lot about a. how he values your marriage and b. how much he cares about this woman (and shouldn't!) This is beyond inappropriate. 

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • If i were in your shoes, I'd have a REALLY difficult time trusting him.  You don't have 100% of the story and you can't trust him to tell you all of it ether.  If I stayed, I would always be wondering what else happened, who else it happened with, what else he's not telling me, etc.
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  • image jacq2423:

    I know he waited to tell me, because he still wanted to be friends with her.  he also ended up telling me on his next business trip when he got really drunk again.  He said it happened in the car when he was driving them back to the hotel.

    I at least know it was a business trip because of the nature of their work.  A bunch of them like 10-20 go on these trips every couple of months...

    Did I read this correctly, he was driving them while drunk? This guy is some piece of work! Cheater, liar, drunk driver, and possible alcoholic. Does he drink at every business trip??

  • image FMIL&MOB:
    image jacq2423:

    I know he waited to tell me, because he still wanted to be friends with her.  he also ended up telling me on his next business trip when he got really drunk again.  He said it happened in the car when he was driving them back to the hotel.

    I at least know it was a business trip because of the nature of their work.  A bunch of them like 10-20 go on these trips every couple of months...

    Did I read this correctly, he was driving them while drunk? This guy is some piece of work! Cheater, liar, drunk driver, and possible alcoholic. Does he drink at every business trip??

    This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. 

    BFP #1 5/10/06 ...m/mc @11.5w 6/29/06 D&C 6/30/06
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