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Devastated

I need some advise.

My husband and I have only been married for a little over a month and we have already run into a HUGE problem with our marriage and i am scared to say the least. Sorry if this is a little TMI

Before we got married we really didn't have sex alot b/c he has very strong Cathloic values and felt guilty about sex out of marriage. So those times that we have sex it was more just to the point get it done than anything. Plus he is not a very emotional man and has a hard time sharing his feelings. So I kept telling myself that after the wedding and we were married that sex would be different and that he would be able to open up and that hasn't happened yet.

Well we had a big fight about it and he basically told me that he sometimes wonder's if he married me for the right reasons. He knew that he didn't want to loose me and that getting married would make me happy. He said that yes he loves me but he isn't sure that he loves me the way that i need to be loved and that he wonder's if in the future it will drive a wedge between us and our marriage will fall apart and it will be all his fault, b/c he can't show his feelings.

I want to help him but i just don't know how.  

 

 

Re: Devastated

  • image stressed2010:

    I need some advise.

    Before we got married we really didn't have sex alot b/c he has very strong Cathloic values and felt guilty about sex out of marriage. [...]  Well we had a big fight about it and he basically told me that he sometimes wonder's if he married me for the right reasons. He knew that he didn't want to loose me and that getting married would make me happy. He said that yes he loves me but he isn't sure that he loves me the way that i need to be loved

     

    I very strongly suspect get the impression that being Catholic and having "sex guilt" has little to do with it. 

    It sounds like both of you had unrealistic expectations of what would change when you got married.  Aside from what you wrote, it sounds like he thought marriage would be cure-all for you relationships.

    To be perfectly honest, and I feel kind of bad pointing this out, it sounds like he's not all that into you.  He's not having sex with you, he's telling you he married you for the wrong reason, he's saying that he "can't love you the way you need to be loved," .... that sounds like him letting you down easy/nicely. 

    You two had serious problems before your marriage (i.e. lack of communication, for one) that you two need to work out ASAP.  (How did this not come up in premarital counseling?  Were you married in a catholic church?)  I suggest getting a counselor or going to your priest.

  • image stressed2010:
     

    So I kept telling myself that after the wedding and we were married that sex would be different and that he would be able to open up and that hasn't happened yet.

    How old are you that you really believed uttering the words "I do" would miraculously turn your H into a completely different person?

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • There are a ton of red flags here.  If he had a problem with premarital sex, then he wouldn't be having any kind of sex.  "Just get it over with" sex is still sex.  So I don't buy the Catholic excuse.  Do you think he might be gay?

    I'd try non-secular counseling with a trained therapist, but honestly, if he isn't in love with you, you might just be better off getting this annulled.  A wedding ring is just a piece of jewelry - it has no magical behavior-changing powers.  If the sex and communication are sh!tty before the wedding, they're gonna be sh!tty after the wedding too. 

    This is my siggy.
  • Have you ever questioned your husbands sexuality? If he's gay and catholic he could be quite confused.
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Catholic guilt about having sex isn't any better if the sex is quickie sex. That's an excuse, and sadly you believed it.

    I think that you should immediately start seeing a therapist, and not one through the Catholic church because it doesn't sound like Catholic beliefs are important for the two of you. However, remember that you H has told you that he thinks he married you for the wrong reasons. For a man who can't seem to express his real feelings & emotions I think this is as close to "I wish I had not married you," as you are going to get. 

    Counseling is great, but if one party is already checked out of the marriage I'm not sure all the counseling in the world can save the relationship. 

  • It sounds early enough that an annulment might be a possibility.

    And for the future, things like wanting to take a honeymoon with another couple so he can leave you behind and do fun stuff with someone else on the vacation should be a red flag that the guy isn't that into you.

    image
  • How old are you?  I get the feeling after reading this post and your blog that you are very young.
    This is my siggy.
  • I'm 26 and he is 28 and we have been together for 3yrs. And no he isn't gay

  • image stressed2010:

    And no he isn't gay

     

    How do you know?  

  • wanting to take another couple on our honeymoon was honestly my idea. We went to Jamiaca and there were things that he wanted to do like go deep sea fishing that i didn't want to do and i thought that if another couple went with us to hang out with during the day and then do our own thing at night. yes we did go by ourself and i did go fishing with him and spent the whole fishing trip throwing up.  Other than that one thing we had a great trip

  • Ahhh!!!!  Your sig says it all, you FINALLY got your MRS, and ignored all the red flags along the way.

    He's telling you he married you to make you happy, but it's not what he wanted.   Believe him.  Why do you think you need to help him?  You need to help yourself out of this marriage.

  • "wonder's"?  WTF?! why is that possessive? It's not!!! It should be just 'wonders'. Perhaps your misuse of the apostrophe is a turn off. 

    anyway-your first mistake was to assume it would just magically 'get better'. your 2nd mistake was letting this guy talk you into catholic guilt sex issues.

    I have a few questions: 1) how old are you? 2) how old is he? 3) how long were you dating before you got married?

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • Being 26 you think you would have seen the flags.  I used to try to "help" my ex love me more and want to be with me and show me his feelings.  I wised up getting older and realized that guys mean what they say.  Read "He's just not into you"  Its hard to accept.  And I am sorry that you got married and are realizing this now.  But their doesn't seem to be much hope.  He says he only married you to make you happy.  He means it.  He isn't interested in sex.  He doesn't want to have sex with you.  It's sad, but true. 

  • image stressed2010:

    he sometimes wonder's if he married me for the right reasons.

    My engagement was tough because my H's parents divorced when he was a kid, so we asked ourselves all the tough questions before getting married.  In hindsight, I think all couples should see engagement this way, but unfortunately many are on "Cloud 9" and then are shocked with the challenges presented after marriage. I'm not saying we don't ever have issues, but I am confident the foundation of our beliefs are similar and we openly know the reasons why we love and support one another. 

    For a spouse to say he's not sure he married you for the right reasons - this isn't something small and you should go to marriage counseling. 

    Question for you straight out: why do you love him?  Were you in love with him or the idea of getting married?  Do you even consider him a best friend?  Why him?  Please see these comments as someone who cares about your best interest, not trying to knock you down.

  • My eyes were about to pop out of my head as I was reading this. He said those things and you're still there? Sweetie, you need to walk away. I'm not suggesting divorce or annulment, but I think a separation is going to be a good thing because he doesn't know what he wants. He needs to figure it out.

    I also don't think the sex thing was a religious thing. I mean, if he's against premarital sex then why have any sex to begin with? This man needs to figure out who he is and what he wants. You can't help him with that

  • image Mycrimsonheart:
    Have you ever questioned your husbands sexuality? If he's gay and catholic he could be quite confused.

    I also think he might be gay. I grew up in a very catholic community and this kind of thing happened more than you would think.

  • The reason you don't want to leave him is that you don't want to admit to the 600 people that you invited to your wedding that it was a big mistake.

    It was.   

  • If it bothered you that your sex life wasn't what you wanted it to be when you were dating, that's when you should have said goodbye to him. As you can see, no way was he going to change.

     I agree with the others: something is wrong with this picture. You're married now; Catholic guilt isn't supposed to be part of the picture; instead, it's still the same.

    He knew that he didn't want to loose me and that getting married would make me happy. He said that yes he loves me but he isn't sure that he loves me the way that i need to be loved and that he wonder's if in the future it will drive a wedge between us and our marriage will fall apart and it will be all his fault, b/c he can't show his feelings.

    He either wants out of the marriage (he;'s using the above as his way out) he's sexually dysfunctional or he is possibly gay.

    The communication issue was a huge stumbling block. What are you supposed to do with him -- go through life being a mindreader or walking on eggs?

    Ask yourself what YOU want to do. Then go from there.

    I strongly suggest an annullment. This is going to have to be up to you.

  • This from 6 months ago in her blog:

    So FI and I don't live together. After my lease on my apartment was up I moved back into my parent's house to catch up on some bills and to get out of debt, at the same time FI built a house that is 45 minutes from my parent house. And we did agree that we didn't want to Live together before we were married but it seemed silly to drive back and forth ALL weekend so we agreed that I would just stay with him on weekends.  Well this has been going on for over a year. So we are together all weekend.

    Lately he was been asking me to come and stay with him during the week at least one night and it's not that i don't want to see him, but i feel like i'm starting he resent him for even asking me to come out there. With our wedding only 5 months aways it starting to hit me that I won't be seeing my family 4 night's a week like i do now. And it feel's like he is cutting into my time with my family. I'm the only girl with 3 brother's and we are a pretty close family. With my older brother married with 3 kids and both my younger brother's working night it's just me and my parent's at home and I really like the one on one time that i have with them right now. I want to tell FI how I feel but i just don't think that he will understand.

    ===================

    WOW...first off it's brothers, not brother's. And it's nights. And I is a PROPER NOUN. Not as in "i am going to the store."

    There are communication problems galore here. And if you cannot tell your FI how you feel about whatever issue it is, very bad news indeed.

    And I don't think the OP got it, either: when you get married, your spouse is YOUR FAMILY. For that issue alone, she should have gotten counseling.

     

     

  • image Karen2905:
    image stressed2010:

    And no he isn't gay

     

    How do you know?  

    ditto Karen..clearly your man has a major problem maybe his penis is so small he is ashamed of it or something. 

  • I am going to ask the question:

    What exactly is wrong with your sex life?  

    Are you having orgasms?  

    Is the length of time that you have sex (foreplay to end) too short?  

    Is it too long?  

    Is he inexperienced?  Are you?

    Is he willing to perform oral sex on you?  

    Is he willing to let you perform oral sex on him? 


  • I don't think your problems have anything at all to do with sex.  It sounds as though the two of you don't even know each other and have never had any sort of emotional intimacy.  If you can't have open and honest conversations about your feelings, your needs, your expectations, etc. BEFORE you get married, at best--you're marrying too soon.  At worst, you're marrying the wrong person.

    It's possible to salvage this, but only if you're both willing to do a lot of hard work through counseling.

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
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