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Serious H problem...yes?

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Re: Serious H problem...yes?

  • I've been in your situation. Though mine came in the form of a voicemail after SIL totally misconstrued something I had said. MIL said some nasty things and won't appologize for it. She and H think we just " need to get over it" but it's going to happen.

    Your H needs to man up and defend you. As far as finding counciling pointless he should be going with you. There's some obvious issues, and while you aren't completely innocent based on your H's response, your his wife and he should be involved.

    I'm being civil to MIL if I see her, but I'm not going to go out of my way to be nice to her or spend time with her. 

  • image wakingup:

    This is my first post here...I've been lurking for a while, trying to find someone with a similar situation and just decided to bite the bullet and ask for advice. Or something. I've been looking around at support forums and this is the best one I've found so far.

     So. H and I have been married just under a year, together almost five and we've lived together almost as long. I thought I knew him.

    We married in May and at the beginning of August this past summer, I received an email from MIL at work with the subject title: A few minutes of your time, please. At first I thought it was just a response to the one I had just sent her that day asking about her vacation and inviting her and FIL over for a cookout.

    But when I opened it, I discovered that it was two pages of her tearing me apart. She expressed how she thought I was rude and disrespectful to her and her family, that I was terribly rude at my OWN WEDDING for not sitting at her table with her family to talk(which I did). She said that I needed to realize that 'like it or not', my FIL 'buttered my bread' since H works for him. She told me that my mother was bossy and that if my mom bossed her around the next time she saw her, 'things would get ugly'. She said I made her whole family uncomfortable when I came around and they were worried that when we had kids, they would never see them because I wouldn't bring them around. This is the basic gist of things.

     I printed it out, brought it home, and presented it to H. I was livid. He read the email, set it down on the table...and shrugged. I asked what he thought and he said, 'You can be like this sometimes'. I couldn't believe it. If I had, in fact, been that person she described me to be, I never would have expected my H to marry me. Ever! No one had ever said such terrible things to me. To make matters worse, H confessed that HE had told his mother to email me because she called him to complain about me and he said he refused to get in the middle of things. But he never once called, texted, emailed, ANYTHING, to warn me of this.

     I felt completely betrayed. It was like our first test as a married couple and he failed miserably.

    Even after I told him that I felt betrayed by him, that this never should have happened, he still maintained that he wouldn't put himself in the middle, that it was my problem to sort through with his mother. I tried the whole 'put yourself in my shoes' tactic and that didn't work. I couldn't get through to him. I went so far as to ask him if he felt that way about me, then why would he marry me? He didn't have an answer.

    The next morning, I received a text(yes, a TEXT)from him saying that he would have my back through this and that he married me because he loves me.

     I wrote his mom back(she told H to tell me she expected an email response) and addressed every single thing she attacked me with. I was very calm, never rude(because I'm NOT rude), but I made sure to be firm and to stand up for myself. Before this gets ridiculously long, I'll just say that since then, my trust in my H has dwindled. I am afraid I can't count on him for anything. This situation has completely opened my eyes to who I believe he truly is.

    I am now in counseling to try and sort through my feelings on this, but after my first session, H had no support for it. He thinks I should be able to talk to him about things. He questioned how long it would take me to 'get over this' so I can stop going. He asked how much it would cost 'him' because he needed to know how much overtime he needed to work to pay for it. Just very unsupportive.

    I am at my wits end and I have no idea where to go from here. I should tell you that before I got the email, I considered my MIL to be a very close friend. We hung out, talked on the phone, emailed, everything. This letter came completely out of the blue and when H threw me under the bus, I felt like I had lost two people so dear to me.

     I'm sorry about the length....I would keep going if I could, but I won't. I'm not sure what I'm looking for...advice, support, anything. I want to know if I am right in feeling the way that I feel, if anyone else has dealt with anything like this before and if you ever found your trust in your H again. If you feel I'm leaving anything important out, please ask and I'll try to be quick to answer. Thank you so much.

    He reminds me of my xH. He was the same with my xSIL: he always had her back no matter what -- and there was a particularly disturbing incident very early on in our marriage where he covered HER ass and never took my side. When that happened, I shold have told him to hit the road.

  • The more you post, the more dysfunctional your relationship sounds.  I would be seriously rethinking your marriage.
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  • image wakingup:
     

    He is what you call a 'bad fighter'.  He screams at the top of his voice, swears, and makes me feel stupid about everything.  He tells me he wants me to bark back even though I know that is not healthy.

    Now when we have arguments, I have to interrupt his rants to remind him that I won't respond to screaming and swearing. 

    My DH & I weren't the best fighters when we first started out. But we both realized it quickly and both decided to improve ourselves. We weren't as bad as what you describe above.

    I wouldn't live with someone that treats me this badly.  Tell him he needs to go to counselling or you will leave. If he refuses, then you need to leave (or live in hell the rest of your life, your choice).  You could try videotaping him when he goes off.  Keep the camera ready on a tripod and hit record the next time he goes off. Then play it back for him. If it is a wake up call me him, then you stand a chance. If he still blows it off or says that's just his way and you need to yell back, then that's your answer.

  • image MrsMammay:

    Have you asked him to go to counseling with you?

    ITA with ECBride, if I were you I'd tell him that you go to counseling together or it's over.  With that said, don't say it if you don't mean it. 

    Do you have a job?  You mentioned earlier that he's complaining about paying for your therapist.  If you don't work, I'd start looking for a job and secure your financial independence- don't let that be the reason you stay.

    I haven't straight out asked him to go because of his reaction to my first session.  I realize that he probably feels intimidated by the fact that I am going to begin with and I understand, but I suppose I am just assuming that he won't go since 'he' can't afford it and that I need to get over things on my own.  I plan on asking him to go with me....or telling him he must go or else...

    I am not afraid to be on my own, so I know that I wouldn't be making an empty threat by telling him he goes with me or we're done.

    I do have a job and I've always been good at saving my money, so his theory about working overtime I think was just a stab at me, saying he feels this is a waste of money and by saying 'his' money, is showing me that he's in control of what we do with it.

    He also told me I was selfish by going to therapy which I expected.  I always put him before me, so by doing this and making sure I am taking care of myself would of course come across as selfish.

  • Selfish for going to therapy??!?!? Sorry, honey, he is a douchebag.  He likes to control you and is threatened by you becoming self-sufficient. The more you post, the sadder I feel for you.  Get yourself strong, separate assets and leave.  You can do way better than this -- and learn from this for your next relationship.
  • image BunMom90:
    Selfish for going to therapy??!?!? Sorry, honey, he is a douchebag.  He likes to control you and is threatened by you becoming self-sufficient. The more you post, the sadder I feel for you.  Get yourself strong, separate assets and leave.  You can do way better than this -- and learn from this for your next relationship.

    ITA

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  • The fact that he wouldn't stand up for you, like others have said, is a huge red flag. You should be the most important woman in his life and he should treat you as such!

    I agree. With every post more issues come up. Issues that are not healthy.

    It does sound like he tries to control you, and now that you're starting to do things independently, even when he has told you he doesn't agree and tries to bring you down about it, he is scared. Scared he's losing control.

    Get your stuff in order, make sure you have enough money to get out, and tell him that if he refuses to go to counseling with you and admit that his fighting is dangerous, you're out. And get out. 

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  • Thank you, everyone, for your responses.  I am going to suggest counseling to him and go from his response.

    He has said he is willing to do anything to fix our marriage, so we'll see what 'anything' means to him. 

    I am very afraid that this will be a temporary solution and that I will be right back here in a few months, but at least I'll know that I gave it my all and can walk away confident because of it.

    For the time, I have been putting money aside for myself just in case and trying to figure out a budget for myself should I be on my own.  I know I deserve better than this, and it's not fair to either of us if I'm just sitting around waiting for something to happen.

  • Why are you staying at this point?  You don't have kids, correct?

    Is there really any good left in this marriage for you?  I can understand wanting to know that you gave it your all, but at some point you have to say ENOUGH!  For me, that point would be the combination of him not standing up for you to his mother, then saying that you going to counseling is selfish.  That would be my breaking point.

     

  • image MrsMammay:

    Why are you staying at this point?  You don't have kids, correct?

    Is there really any good left in this marriage for you?  I can understand wanting to know that you gave it your all, but at some point you have to say ENOUGH!  For me, that point would be the combination of him not standing up for you to his mother, then saying that you going to counseling is selfish.  That would be my breaking point.

     

    You are correct, we do not have children. I can't give a solid reason as to why I'm going to stay another second. I'm trying to sort through everything I'm feeling, understand the mistakes I made and try to handle things best for myself. I guess I'm just going to give this one more shot before I throw in the towel. This experience is teaching me a lot about myself and I know that even though I didn't deserve any of it, I still played my part in allowing it to happen and continue happening, if that makes sense. So I suppose I feel I owe it to my marriage to give it one more try.
  • Just came across this and wanted to add my 2 cents.

     As someone who 9 months ago got out of a relationship where this was the case, I really feel for you.

    Despite wheather or not "You can be like this sometimes" there is no reason for your MIL to send a 2 page email  calling you out on every single thing, intentional or unintentional, that you have done to "offend her".

    As for your H. All I can tell you is that he has to choose between taking his wife's side...The woman who loves him unconditionally and fully, and his mother's side...The woman who raised him and gave him life. Not an easy choice. But when it comes right down to it, he should choose you. From what you're saying, you did nothing to warrant this attack. And he should have seen that and supported you. If he's always shown signs of being a "Mamas boy" RUN! He will never change! GL!

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  • Good for you owning your part and giving it one last try. Explain this in counseling to your DH and hopefully he will own up to his part. Good luck!!!
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  • I'm late to the party, but I just wanted to add my $.02.  And, I've gotta tell you, my $.02 worth isn't usually this blunt, but this time I think it calls for it, and I think you can take it.

    I think you're married to a controlling, probably manipulative, possibly emotionally abusive jerk.  You can insist on him going to counseling with you, if you feel that it will give you closure on things.  But I don't think he'll a) agree to go more than the bare minimum to get you off his back if he goes at all, or b) make an effort in counseling.

    I think you need to start marshalling your resources because I think what's happening is that you're in the first stages of realizing that you've had blinders on for the past 5 years.  In your OP you expressed that your marriage isn't what you thought it was.  I think you're absolutely right about that.  And in the 8 months since this whole thing broke wide open in August, your H has done nothing to reassure you that he actually DOES have your back.  In fact, he's acted in such a way that demonstrates that he absolutely does NOT have your back.

    He's discouraging you from counseling because deep down he's afraid that you'll figure out he's a jerk and leave him.  I think he wants to control and isolate you.

    Keep us posted!  Hang in there!

  • What jerk! If my husband pulled that crap I would be livid! Hell if my family did anything like that to my husband I would be livid! He should have said something to his mother when she brought all this up to him. Really it should never have gone as far as it has. Apparently he doesn't deal with confrontation or uncomfortable situations. You said he's a "bad fighter?" What you really mean, I think, is that he doesn't have any idea how to communicate like a normal human being when faced with something he doesn't like or agree with. At this point if he isn't willing to work on your relationship I'd look at finding a lawyer.
  • You need marriagel counseling ASAP as well, not just individual.  If he refuses to go, then your marriage is never going to work out.
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  •  

    Do you own a house together? If not then honestly, I would seize the opportunity and run like hell. If things are like this now (ie controversy over the wedding) then imagine what it's like when you have kids.

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  • Do you have somewhere you could go stay for a week or two to gain some clarity and think about things without him being there?  A friend?  A hotel?  Family?  I think that could help you gain some perspective and also help give him a wakeup call that you are serious.
  • image Cuardraro:

     

    Do you own a house together? If not then honestly, I would seize the opportunity and run like hell. If things are like this now (ie controversy over the wedding) then imagine what it's like when you have kids.

    Unfortunately, yes, we own our house together.  And my car.  And his truck.  It's kind of a lot....but that can be changed.  It will just take some work. 

     

  • image moodonna:
    Do you have somewhere you could go stay for a week or two to gain some clarity and think about things without him being there?  A friend?  A hotel?  Family?  I think that could help you gain some perspective and also help give him a wakeup call that you are serious.

    I considered this, actually.  My only concern is that should I stay at my mom's for a week or two(this is the only place I could go), I wouldn't have much privacy or space to myself where I could think clearly as needed.  Does that make sense?  Her house, her rules, kind of thing?  Maybe that's just an excuse.  I don't know.

    The hotel idea, while it could be costly, I think would be my best bet.  And definitely something to think more about. 

    I am going to take the advice so many of you have given me and tell him it's marriage counseling or I'm done.  I think his response to that will tell me everything I need to know.

    Thanks so much for all of your input!  I will keep you posted.

  • If you are considering a separation, move, and/or division of assets I would strongly suggest you consult an experienced lawyer FIRST.  If you leave the home, you may not be legally able to return.  Some states (like mine, NY) require "grounds" to file for divorce, which can be very difficult to establish, so you will want to know your options and guide your decisions based on good information.

    And it's important to point out, that if your DH is controling and manipulative he won't be pleased that you are breaking away from him. And if he's not pleased he can make your life very difficult and complicated. You would be wise to get your ducks in a row, with the guidance of a good lawyer.  It may seems like a big step, but really you have complete control over the pace and course of this.  It's certainly worth the price of a consultation or two. (You can call your county bar association for a referal or ask friends).

    Just an observation, but I noticed your Nest name.  A bit revealing, no?  You're a new poster and this issue is coming to the surface.  I wonder if you chose that name on purpose. Please share.

     

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  • image wakingup:
      

    I am going to take the advice so many of you have given me and tell him it's marriage counseling or I'm done.  I think his response to that will tell me everything I need to know.

    Thanks so much for all of your input!  I will keep you posted.

    Good luck!  Update us on his response.

     

  • image livinitup:

    If you are considering a separation, move, and/or division of assets I would strongly suggest you consult an experienced lawyer FIRST.  If you leave the home, you may not be legally able to return.  Some states (like mine, NY) require "grounds" to file for divorce, which can be very difficult to establish, so you will want to know your options and guide your decisions based on good information.

    And it's important to point out, that if your DH is controling and manipulative he won't be pleased that you are breaking away from him. And if he's not pleased he can make your life very difficult and complicated. You would be wise to get your ducks in a row, with the guidance of a good lawyer.  It may seems like a big step, but really you have complete control over the pace and course of this.  It's certainly worth the price of a consultation or two. (You can call your county bar association for a referal or ask friends).

    Just an observation, but I noticed your Nest name.  A bit revealing, no?  You're a new poster and this issue is coming to the surface.  I wonder if you chose that name on purpose. Please share.

     

     

    Thanks for the advice.  I will start to look into things.  I think it's just hard to believe that even after all that's happened that he would make things hard on me.  And I don't doubt that you're right.  It's just kind of surreal right now.

    And yes, I chose my Nest name based on the way I'm feeling now.  I joined specifically for some unbiased advice and I like everything I've read on other posts.  I'm trying to keep on the DL, just in case someone is looking around for me.  Nothing that reveals me as me....if that makes sense.  And I'm definitely 'waking up'.

  • Hubby and I went to marriage councelling soon after we were married, for "preventative maintainence." We talked through any potential issues, and it worked great. One of the things our councellor stressed is that it's our job to defend eachother, not to side with our families when they are difficult. We need to be eachother's allies, because we are now our own unit, our own household. 

    Recently something came up with his family. He was a little hesitant at first considering the past behaviours of the person who annoyed us, but I reminded him that if my family talked to him like that, I woudln't have it even if it was my (certain relative who caused me problems in the past). He got the point instantly, remembered what the councellor said, and let it be known that he was in it with me, and that I'd be in it with him too, if he were in my shoes. 

    As for the person above who asked "can you be like this sometimes?" Personally, I have my quirks, and Hubby knows what they are. If someone else points one of them out to me, Hubby will defend me, and then we'll discuss the quirk in private, as I'd do for him in the same situation. 

    Spouses need to be eachother's best advocates and allies, and it is wrong for family members to attack the inlaw, the way your MIL attacked you. 

    Your husband needs to remember that YOU TWO ARE A TEAM now. Yes she's still his mother, but you're his WIFE! You two are ADULTS, and he needs to be YOUR ally, not hers. 

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