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Am I being too senstive?

My husband and I have been married for about 4 months now and about 3 months ago he got a new job, which puts us on completely opposite schedules. We have been together for almost 4 years total and during that whole time we have been pretty much on the same schedule.

He's now a chef and doesnt get out of work until late at night now, but the problem I have is that he is constantly wanting to go out afterwards to the bar where everyone at work goes to. This has been an ongoing problem and I thought we had put it behind us when we made an agreement that he can go out once a week. Even though we have this agreement, he still is always asking to go out, and it hurts me because I feel like he is putting his new friends over me, especially since we dont see oneanother os often as we used to. I want him to come home to me, but more importantly, I want him to want to.

This past weekend we went out on saturday night and sunday when he got off work he calls me and says that he wants to go out for just a drink. I tell him that I want him to come home since we were just there the night before and his reposnse was "well, I'm going" he promised that he was only going to spend the cash in his wallet, but since we were fighting about it he stayed longer than he originally said and spent more than he promised... It really upsets me that he did that in  spite of me and what I got from the whole incident is that he doesn't care about what I say or how I feel, he's just going to do what HE watns to do...

He thinks I'm making an issue over nothing, am I? Or how can I make him understand that its not about control with me, its about repsect?

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Re: Am I being too senstive?

  • Well, on one hand, if he's new, I can understand him wanting to get to know his new coworkers.  And if that's done after they get off work,then yes, I can see why he wants to go out more than one night a week.

    Also, from my understanding, that's kind of the culture of the restaurant business.

    However, this isn't what you "signed up for" when you married him.  So I can fully understand why this is bothering you.  And also if it doesn't fit in your budget, that's an issue too.

    But is there more room for compromise?  He obviously wants to go out more than one night.  YOu say it's not about control, but yet you dont' seem to want to "let" him do more than that.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I don't think you are being overly sensitive.  I worked in the restaurant biz for years and would not be comfortable with this at all.  I don't know what advice to give you other than maybe you can try some counceling and maybe even a financial planner so you can set up some common goals for your future (if you have not already done so).  Also, I would wait until you aren't in the heat of the moment to talk to him about what you guys agreed to about the number of times per week you agreed he would go out.

    It's tough, because often after a busy shift, you need decompressing time, but he needs to respect your feelings and work with what makes you comfortable. 

    The ladies around here are great at giving advice, so listen to what they have to say.

  • I don't think you're being too sensitive. I can understand why it upsets you, I would be upset about it too but like EastCoast said you need to compromise. Even though you didn't sign up for this when you got married you need to understand that things are always going to be changing and the two of you need to make some compromises with those changes.

    Like the PP said, align some of this up with your financial goals and talk about what you two want for your future. Talk to him and tell him you don't want to be controlling or for him to be unhappy but you do want to be able to spend some time with him. See if he'll meet you 1/2 way with 2 nights a week and only getting 2-3 drinks each time. Tell him you feel disrespected when you thought you agreed on something but then he does the opposite. Was this something he agreed to? Or was it something you TOLD him he has to do?

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Maybe you can compromise. 2-3 nights a week you can rest-up for an hour or so after you get home and then go out with him for an hour or so after he gets off work. That way you will be spending time together and getting a chance to meet and socialize with his co-workers.
  • Like other people responded, I can see why he wants to fit in because its a new job and from what I know about the restaurant business, its really important to feel like a unit or one team. So after he feels like he's found his place, he might end up deciding he doesn't want to go out quite as much with his co-workers. But I can see why you feel like you are being pushed aside. If I were in your position, I would sit down at a time when you are both relaxed and just say you miss him and that you wish you could spend more time together. If you continue to forbid him to go, he'll become a rebellious teenager and do it more to spite you. At least, that's what my DH would do. So I always try to really be upfront with him. I would maybe give that a try. Hope you can work things out. I've only been married for about four months as well so I know how special you want those months to be. :)
    Check out my food blog: http://cookingforpickyhusband.com/ Great recipes, reviews, and cooking tips.
  • image SarahB9:

     This has been an ongoing problem and I thought we had put it behind us when we made an agreement that he can go out once a week.

    Since he got the job or since before you were married?

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  •  To East Coast: You do have a point, but I feel like I am compromising as well. I stay up and wait for him to get home even thought I have to get up at 6am, I ususally go with him, and I have even started taking days off during the week to be able to spend his day off with him, yet he is still pushing the issue...
  • image SarahB9:
      I stay up and wait for him to get home even thought I have to get up at 6am, I ususally go with him, and I have even started taking days off during the week to be able to spend his day off with him, yet he is still pushing the issue...

     

    I'm not trying to be mean but why do you feel the need to stay up and wait for him to get home...you already said he works late? Do you not trust him? My DH has gone to concerts on weeknights with friends, I'm in bed earlier to enjoy my time alone with tv :)

     

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Hi everyone, thanks for the reposnses! I just wanted to add a few things... As bostonjen said, he too feels like he needs time to decompress before he gets home. Maybe I am wrong, but it is hard for me to understand why he doesnt want to come home and decompress with me, he would rather "blow off steam" with his coworkers as he puts it.... It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, that he would rather be with them event though he just spent 8 hrs with them. Maybe I also dont understand becuase I dont work in the same industry and I take it personally.

    We agreed to the one nigth a week for 2 reasons the first one is because we have 2 weddings coming up a month a part down in Key West, aside for normal expenses. The second reason is because that was what we were comfortable with- he suggested the one night, however there have been plenty of times that we went out more than once. I want to go because I too want too get to know them...

    This has really only been a problem since he got this job, and its probably because of the time. He ususally asks me to come, but since I wake up so early its hard to stay at the bar til 2am and get up at 6.I'm exhausted from trying to keep up with both of our schedules. Before this job and really since the start of our relationship we have done mostly everything together and seen a lot of eachother. This is hard for me because I do miss him, I feel alone. I also feel that its important to spend atleast a little time together everyday, and I dont want us to drift apart because of our schedules and thats why i stay up. The only thing I have trust issues about is how he spends money, because this isnt the first time he went way over what he "intended" to spend.

    Sorry for the novel, I just dont want to leave anything out so I can get the best advice, I'm so tired of fighting about this!!

  • I think your recent post to us would be a great way to explain it to him. Your upcoming expenses, your hurt feelings, the drastic change in schedule, feeling left out. These are all valid reasons to be frustrated with the situation, hopefully he'll understand and meet you somewhere in between. Good luck!

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • It sounds to me like this is how he's always been, and you were hoping he'd do some kind of 180 and "want to be with you" more after you got married.

    Nope, sounds like he wants to live it up out at the bar and have the bed warmed up when he gets home. This is how he likes to spend his time, not with you.

    If you wanted to be with someone who wanted to spend evenings cuddling by the fireplace, you should have married someone who would rather do that than hang out with his coworkers at a bar after work. Because those guys are out there, only your H isn't one of them.

    ETA: Now that I've seen your clarification of this being an "ongoing problem" I guess that changes my advice. I think 1-2 after-work happy hours per week is reasonable when he's new at the job, maybe he can dial back to once per week after a month or two, once he's more established there. To me that would be more than reasonable.

  • image SarahB9:

    Before this job and really since the start of our relationship we have done mostly everything together and seen a lot of eachother. This is hard for me because I do miss him, I feel alone. I also feel that its important to spend atleast a little time together everyday, and I dont want us to drift apart because of our schedules and thats why i stay up.

    I hope I dont' get too long winded.  Sorry in advance if I do.  But my DH has also made a huge career change in the past 2 years (and we've been together 19 years!).  So I feel you on many levels.  He went from basically working 9 - 5, M-F to a job that is 2 weeks on, 1 week off.  He's home a fair amount during his "on" time, but it's unreliable and we can't plan on it.

    To say this is a lifestyle change is an understatement.  And now that we have DS, it's important to me that they spend time together, so even when he's "on", I try to be home as much as possible so that if he does get some down time, he can see DS (plus I want to see him too!). 

    However, at the same time, I also want DH to understand the consequences of his job.  I've made a LOT of concessions.  A LOT.  And there are certain areas where I put my foot down.  One is Mothers Day.  We've always hosted both families.  But this year, he works.  He might end up being home,  who knows, but we talked the other night and I told him I'm not hosting this year.  Especially as the day is about ME now too! 

    I'm probably going to go see my parents.  I'm sure his parents (who never, ever host or organize anything anymore. It always falls to us or my parents) are going to ask and he's going to need to tell them "I'm working - ECB isn't gonig to host anything.".  And that will mean he won't be doing anything for his mom ON Mothers Day. 

    Could my parents invite them over?  Sure, they could.  But honestly - I'm at the end of my rope.  All the concessions I've made so far, I've been fine with.  But I'm done.  I'm not going to continue to host every little event that we USED to all do together just to appease his parents.  And this is one of those areas where I feel DH needs to deal w/ the consequences of his new job. 

    This sounds b1tchier than it really is.  It does come across as I'm trying to punish him, or prove a point.  And I'm not. He enjoys his new career, and I truly support him in that.  I want him to be happy, and he is.  But our old life can't continue as it once did. 

    Somewhere in this is a point.... while I do think it's important to spend time together, maybe you need to stop being SO available.  Not to punish him, but to make him miss you!  YOUR work life hasn't changed, and as you said, it's become very hard for you to balance your work life and his. 

    So - don't.  Back off.  Stay up some nights, sure.  But other nights, be asleep when  he comes home.  Stop taking his day off off.  Let him be alone. 

    Perhaps if he feels the impact a bit more of his new job, he'll start to understand your point of view and he'll WANT to come home more readily!

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Part of decompressing after a restaurant shift, is retelling the stories that took place that night. It's also the opportunity to clarify or apologize to someone else they may have lost their temper with. Or they *** and moan about their managers and customers with one another. He can't do all of that with you at home.

    I'm not saying he needs to be out every night with these people, but EastCoastBride is right, you can't keep up both of your schedules. 

    My husband owns and operates a cleaning business, there are some weeks we are at opposite schedules. We try to make the best of our time when we have it available. I don't try and fit into his schedule, I have to get enough sleep so I can take care of myself and my day job.


  • If I had to be up at 6 am for work I would be asleep by 10 or 11.  So if he is still working at this time and spent an extra hour with his coworkers I wouldn't be upset.  I would be sleeping.  Then when you get off work i am assuming you have some time to spend before he leaves.  Most couples don't get much time during the work week.  I get off at 9 sometimes and may see my H an hour before bedtime.  I work weekends as well so sometimes we don't get a lot of time together.  We just make sure the time we do get is quality time together.  Days off together we always go do something.  And nights off we will cook dinner together.  Don't stress too much about time you don't get to see him.

    However if the issue is him spending too much, he really needs to stick to a limit.  And maybe just stick to not staying out really late or just up the nights a little bit. 

  • I see a lot of how I was in your OP and in your follow up.  I learned to change my ways quickly or those feelings were going to eat me alive.

    And I know what you are going through because my husb works a very stressful job and once in a while goes out for drinks with his staff after closing time to unwind.

    1.  You need to stop waiting up for him.  He works late, and comes home late.  You get mad because you have to get up at 6am and you have to wait up for him.  No one is telling you to.  Just go to bed.  Once you can overcome this, it will be easier

    2.  My Husband has a 40 minute commute each way.  This is his "unwind" time.  Because his job is very stressful he likes using that time to unwind so he's not in a crappy mood when he gets home.  He likes to get home in a nice mood and spend quality time with us and not dwelling on work crap.  Same goes for the nights he goes out for drinks.  It's actually a good thing.  I don't mind him unwinding on me but it's nice to have him come home without his work on his mind.

    3.  You sound very insecure and needy.  You need to show a little more independence.  Go out with your cw's or your friends.  Stop staying home and waiting for him.  It gives off a bad vibe. 

     I do think you should talk to him though and try to come to a better compromise.  It seems like to me once a week is not enough for him and you think it is too much.  You should probably work on a better arrangement but putting too many restrictions on him is only going to push him away. 


    image

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  • I do think you are being too sensitive. My H is in a different field, in TV sports, but his hours are similar to your H's. My H also does like to go out after his work is over with the guys he just worked with. When they are working things are very fast-paced and at times can get quite tense, and he likes the time to unwind and hash it all out with the other guys.

    My understanding of restaurant work is that it also can be very fast-paced and high pressure (I don't know personally but I read Anthony Bourdain's memoir, I could be wrong about this).

    I don't stay up for my H but we've now been married for almost six years. I go to bed when I'm tired and so I really don't care what time he gets home. I'm asleep, just don't wake me up!

    However, I would care about him spending more money than he said he would and than you two had agreed on together.

    Good luck, I bet this will settle down over time.

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • Sarah,

    I understand how you feel.  Some things change after we get married.  We don't have as much "freedom" to do whatever suits our fancy.  It sounds like your husband is having a hard time with that.  Whatever industry, I think it is unreasonable for a married person to go out drinking without their spouse multiple times a week.  Not to mention it's not healthy.  How old is your husband?  If he is still pretty young, that may explain that he thinks he's still a single partier.  

    My husband works a very stressful job and sometimes (once a month or every other month) he will go out drinking with some friends.  I'm glad for him to have some fun.  We live 1 1/2hrs away from his work, so it's not an option for me to come even if I wanted to.  However, if this was something that he did multiple times a week I would wonder why he bothered getting married.

    Does he dismiss your feelings in other things too or just this?  I also agree with some of the other posters that your behavior, although well justified, looks a bit clingy.  Don't wait up for him.  Get the sleep you need and do your thing.  

    I hope things get better.  It's not easy becoming one unit when one is used to being selfish and only thinking of what they want.  We all struggle with this in one way or the other.

  • image SarahB9:

    My husband and I have been married for about 4 months now and about 3 months ago he got a new job, which puts us on completely opposite schedules. We have been together for almost 4 years total and during that whole time we have been pretty much on the same schedule.

    He's now a chef and doesnt get out of work until late at night now, but the problem I have is that he is constantly wanting to go out afterwards to the bar where everyone at work goes to. This has been an ongoing problem and I thought we had put it behind us when we made an agreement that he can go out once a week. Even though we have this agreement, he still is always asking to go out, and it hurts me because I feel like he is putting his new friends over me, especially since we dont see oneanother os often as we used to. I want him to come home to me, but more importantly, I want him to want to.

    This past weekend we went out on saturday night and sunday when he got off work he calls me and says that he wants to go out for just a drink. I tell him that I want him to come home since we were just there the night before and his reposnse was "well, I'm going" he promised that he was only going to spend the cash in his wallet, but since we were fighting about it he stayed longer than he originally said and spent more than he promised... It really upsets me that he did that in  spite of me and what I got from the whole incident is that he doesn't care about what I say or how I feel, he's just going to do what HE watns to do...

    He thinks I'm making an issue over nothing, am I? Or how can I make him understand that its not about control with me, its about repsect?

    The bolded part above is the most concerning.  He's being disrespectful and that has to hurt.  Maybe he should work on being respectful while you work on compromising.

     

  • I don't think you are being too sensitive.  Everyone I know who has worked in the restaurant or hospitality (catering) business has started fooling around (or their spouse started fooling around) as a result of the "after-hours" gtgs.
  • I understand how you feel because I am in a similar situation but no matter how much talking you do he is going to do what he wants until he is tired or realizes that it is really hurting you. I say start making him miss you, if you're usually home when he there or he's use to you being there but now you are out more with your friends and not home when he gets there let him see how it feels to be missed.
  • Hi everyone,after reading all of the comments, I reluctantly realized the we BOTH are wrong.

     We had a long talk last night about everything and I think that now things will start to get better (we'll see). I cleary explained to him what was bothering me and why (this wasnt the first time but he seemed to be actually listening rather than trying to dimiss it) and he did the same thing. We agreed that after this conversation we were  going to move on and not dwell on what we have done to each other. This has turned into a pretty bitter fight, neither of us had been willing to back down so we were stuck in this cycle. I told him that if he wants me to back of a little bit he needs to keep his word to me, and stick to the deal we made. We decided that a fair amount of nights he can go out 1-2 nights per week, but if he wants to go out a second night it has to be on a night that I can reasonably come and join him (like friday or saturday). He stressed the fact that I can come whenever and wherever he goes out to and that he does always want me there (which made me feel better), but if I can't or don't want to go I shouldn't demand for him to come home because sometimes he just wants a minute to himself especially after a stressful shift.

    He says he understands why I am upset, and he even traded some switches so that he could have saturday off with me. So thanks for all of you advice and while I think that it will take a little bit for us to get it right we are moving on now....

  • I understand your concern and I sympathize with you because I been through it. In reality you can tell him why you don't want him to do it but in the end he is going to do what he wants.. If he does come home because you are nagging him about it, he will end up resenting you.
  • No you you are NOT being too sensitive. The two of you made an agreement that he would only go out once a week. That is compromise, he should not have agreed to it if he wasn't happy with it.

    Also when he went out the Sunday after the two of you went out that was blatantly disrespectful. He got mad and basically threw a tantrum. He spent more money than he said he would which is not ok since the money he is spending is yours as well. 

    I have an idea. Tally the amount of money he spends on himself at the bar and take an equal amount for yourself to go out shopping :) If he can waste money on poison you should be able to do something practical like beef up your wardrobe!

    My husband read this and is annoyed by your husbands lack of respect as well. If you roll over on this you are going to set a precedent in future disagreements. Be reasonable but don't be a doormat!!

  • image SueBear:
    I don't think you are being too sensitive.  Everyone I know who has worked in the restaurant or hospitality (catering) business has started fooling around (or their spouse started fooling around) as a result of the "after-hours" gtgs.

     

    I didn't want to say this b/c i didn't want to worry you but I have worked in the restaurant business for over 5 years and I can't tell you how true this is :( Sex, drugs and alcohol are a major problem! I didn't hang out with my coworkers. We were friendly at work but it did not go further than that! Besides after working several hours in a restaurant (especially in the kitchen) you are so sweaty and covered in various foodstuffs that I felt so filty I HAD to come home! My hour long shower was my decompression!!

  • to NH53307, I see your point, and I have thought about that but its hard for me to do that becuase then I feel we are both being irresonsible and I dont see how that helps. I will say that I told him on Monday that I was going to a music festival on Saturday and he was like "well I work of sat." and I told him that I was going with my friends anyway so that didnt matter... Guess who now hows Saturday off? I don't want to play games with him and I dont want him to resent me. But I was making myself to available and so thats going to change.
  • Don't friggin listen to these people who are telling you that you married the wrong person.  You were together for four years, and that's plenty of time to get to know someone before you marry them. 

    That said, my wife and I were experiencing the same problem, too.  I was more excited to be out with friends, rather than with her.  For me, there were a variety of reasons.  I wanted time to spend without her, and the space to be able to do so.  It's important to be able to be apart from each other once in a while.  I needed space, too, since my own personal time had been cut down dramatically by a new job, a long commute, and then spending all my time with her once I was home.  Also, once she started noticing this, she became jealous of my time that I spent with friends, and started nagging me.  In turn, I began associating her with being nagged and bothered, and things became really negative.

    Issues like this happen because needs aren't being met.  If you're able to talk to each other honestly, about your needs, make some time to do so.  Give each other equal time to talk.  If you think he's holding back, give him the chance to talk, and encourage him to share.  My wife is extremely patient and understanding.  She encouraged me to talk about my needs, and created an environment that was safe for me to divulge them to her, which usually made me feel too vulnerable in the past to do.  So, now that my needs are getting met at home, I'm more satisfied with married life, we're enjoying our time together more, and she doesn't have problems with my friends anymore. 

    If the two of you don't have that kind of communication, find a Marriage and Family Therapist to help facilitate the discussion.  It's easy to find an affordable one. It's really a great idea to seek a counselor out to talk to, even once to twice. 

  • i don't think you are at all! i feel the same way about my DH at times. i work 40+ hours a week, he is currently on unpaid medical leave from his job due to a surgery. you just want to spend time with him and enjoy that time. i get it. i feel the same way with my DH, yeah we spend time together but it's always 'work' related, working on this side job, working on this school paper, working on this for the church, we NEVER do anything just fun and carefree AND if by some wild chance we do, we are NEVER alone, someone always has to go with us! i love our friends and family and love to spend time with them but what happened to spending time alone? We dont' even live alone to have a few minutes of peace to ourselves. i don't fault you at all for your feelings. you just need to try and explain to him your feelings, but with some guys thats easier said then done because they get defensive or misunderstand you and take things wrong, so all i can say is good luck, i'm still working on this too.
  • For starters, as someone who worked in the restaurant business for 5 years, I completely understand wanting to go out after the shift is done.  It's how everyone socializes after the late shift and if you don't, you can easily become an outcast.  In my opinion, one night a week isn't enough.  I would say 3 would be good.

     

    Like pp, don't stay up waiting for him at night.  I understand that you want to spend time with him, but you need your sleep and being tired will only make you more frustrated/upset. After your DH has more time at the restaurant, he will be able to switch to more ideal day shifts and that also means he won't be staying out late.

     

    My advice is to sit down and discuss the how many nights a week he would like to go out and how many nights a week you would like him home and come to a compromise.  Like others, I would suggest coming up with a budget and let him know exactly how much he can spend each month when he goes out with his co-workers.  If he has trouble controlling himself, let the number do all the talking and show him exactly where and how much his over spending is effecting your financial planning.

  • My husband used to be a chef (before we were married) and he has said many times how he couldnt just come home right after work!

    So maybe he can go, but not drink since you're trying save money? Or he goes  two nights without you, but then you go meet him on Friday's since you dont have to get up early the next morning?

    I'm not sure what to suggest, however, I will tell you, DH quit his job as the head chef at an exclusive country club because the hours were just too much.

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  • I don't think you are at all. I would see if he wanted you to come out with him and you were constantly saying no, but he's being selfish. He's in a team now, not just him wanting to hang out with the buddies from work.

     My dad did the same thing to my mom. His work friends were having a luau party and my mom had been to one of their parties, didn't know anyone, and didn't want to be the wallflower while my dad partied harty. I was a newborn and mom said no. My dad said, "Well I want to go so I'm going anyway."

     While he was gone, my mom took me and some clothes, checked into a hotel room. When my dad got home he panicked. He called my grandmother and searched everywhere for us. 

     Lesson learned, he never did something like that again. If he's really committed to your marriage, you should be his number one priority especially if you can't spend the same amount of time together.  

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