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Who should move?

I'm in a serious relationship that is heading towards marriage. The dilemma is we live 2 hours apart and both are committed to our jobs.  We hate being away from eachother but I can't seem to come up with a compromisable plan for a living situation. Has anyone had to go through this?  I'm nervous to find another job and make the 2 hour move and I don't want to make him give up his promising career.... Any advice on this?

Re: Who should move?

  • Are there any serious hold ups on either side other than nerves?  Meaning, are there no promising job opportunities for him in your area and vice versa? Or is his family where he lives and he wants to stay by them?

    If there's just nerves in both of your ways, I'd suggest that both of you start job hunting in the other's city, and the first promising offer that comes up dictates which one will move where. 

  • Why not move the the half way point between your jobs? An hour long commute is quite reasonable.
  • I'm in the exact same situation!  We've been engaged for a year now but I just can't bring myself to get married until we know what city we'd live in.  He lives in Seattle and I live in Bellingham, about 2 hours North.  I would just hate to fly into Seattle at the end of our honeymoon, drop him off at his place and then drive home alone for 2 hours!  It's just not an option in my little mind.

     Our struggle is also over our careers.  His career is very much Seattle based, with a 15% chance (our guess) of having it moved up to Bellingham.  Mine is in banking, which in theory is easier to relocate to another city, but we both WANT to be in Bellingham.  We were both born and raised here, and we want to have a house and raise our children in this environment.  City dwelling with little kids is just not our ideal plan.

    I really feel your pain!  It's so hard to know what to do, and you feel like your life is on hold while you wait and see where you end up.  Commuting is out of the question because he has a government truck that pays for his fuel so he has to live inside King County.  If we moved there, I would be commuting 2 hours which sounds miserable.

     ***Sigh***

     

  • My first thought was also halfway. 

    An hour long commute each way is peanuts.  My H drives nearly 2 hours each way to his job (a drive that would be an hour without traffic).

    Is there some reason you can't split the difference and move somewhere between your jobs?

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    We'll just not tell H about this little fact, m'kay?
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • We went through the "who should move" issue, too.  We were 3 1/2 hours apart (met on e-harmony! Smile.  I ended up moving, away from my job, family, church, and friends.  It wasn't easy, but I am so happy in my new life.  What tipped it for me was when he told me that he would move if it meant being able to be with me.  Then, it became about jobs, housing, environment, etc. not emotion.  Once I knew he would move, it made it easier for me to move. 
  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Our struggle is also over our careers.  His career is very much Seattle based, with a 15% chance (our guess) of having it moved up to Bellingham.  Mine is in banking, which in theory is easier to relocate to another city, but we both WANT to be in Bellingham.  We were both born and raised here, and we want to have a house and raise our children in this environment.  City dwelling with little kids is just not our ideal plan.

     Couldn't you move to Seattle temporarily while you figure out the next step of how to get him back to Bellingham? (I assume you don't want kids right away.) I moved to the Seattle area from the east side of WA to be with my H after we married... 1 year+ of long distance was more than enough for us. I made the sacrifice of quitting my job and starting over again... but eventually we want to end up on the east side of WA. Right now that's not where the jobs are for my H's career so we're in the South Seattle area... and I have career options on both sides of the state. Being done with the LDR was a bigger plus than the minus of having to job hunt again.

  • Hahahaha, going through this right now! While my husband was in grad school, I lived halfway around the country for a year. We lived together for two years, and just moved to a small town for his job. I HATE that I left my great job, but que sera. Now we are looking at getting a place 2hours from his job in a bigger city because of my work, AND a place in the small town where he works. By renting and getting two smaller places he is going to work from home two days a week (and be home on weekends), and then stay in his apt where he works three days a week.

     My point is, there is no right way to make a relationship work. Because you two love each other, you will make it work. Just keep an open dialogue between the two of you, make pro/con lists. You'll figure it out. Just realize that no matter what, you aren't alone or crazy...other people live like this too!

  • I had a 1 hour commute for a job when I was single for a few years.  Why not move to the middle, keep the jobs and decide as things unfold? 
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
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