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My mother - worse than any of your MILs (Vent)

Not sure if there is a question in here somewhere, or if I really need to have advice or just support.

I really could not go deep enough to describe how much I dislike my mother.  The interference, the manipulation, the slander...and when anyone ever get's close to calling her on her crap - which is almost never because my family likes to be "behind the scenes" talking and rarely if ever actually wants to be part of any real solution - she suddenly is diagnosed with some "disease" or ailment that is so serious...and then about the time everyone falls back into lockstep with her desire, you'll never hear word one again about whatever it is that she thought she had or was "told" that she was borderline for.  

I have tried, I really have, to be the one that honors her parents no matter what, but even then I had to place strict boundaries on myself and on my children.  She's never forgiven me for running away when I was a teen, and she has never faced up to her role in abuse and other inappropriate behavior.  Neither, for that matter, has my father - but she pushes my buttons on a much more frequent basis.  She's always interfered with the raising of our children and has successfully turned one away from me during her own rebellious time. She's convinced my older teens that I'm too strict, and that I am so controlling (OH MY GOD - you will not believe this but my younger brother and I LITERALLY were not ALLOWED to speak with one another in her presence growing up...to this day when we all get together at a holiday or other family function she will literally do backflips to interrupt and halt conversation between us...and I"M controlling?).  DD doesn't see it because apparently a life involving chores in exchange for free use of car and gas, and that I don't tolerate family spats being posted on FB and that I *will* call you on your rudeness is so harsh so as to need to move out and want to be with my mother.  My daughter doesn't even know what oppressed means.  My mother would hit me with anything that was within distance if she were angry, I was punished if the fringe on the rugs weren't combed out evenly spaced (shaking the rug outside was one of my chores).  We moved into a rental home that my parents had that were near them during one of her little episodes of "maybe" having cancer and their wanting to buy another house in the neighborhood but not wanting to loose the equity in the home they were living in.  We thought it was a win-win situation - we'd take over their house payments as rent in order to live near them ... I thought better than apartment living. I've supported her in the death of her mother, in the purchase of yet another real estate investment and did leg work for her legally when a tenant was giving her problems.  Every time I've let my guard down because I think that *finally* she wants to be a real mom, she burns me with it later.  There are so many other outrageous things she's done.  One of my kids sustained an injury (not from her) that required multiple surgeries for several years and it just emptied us out financially or we would have moved long ago.   

With this latest bit, she was so mad at me that she showed up at my church (which she loathes and has never gone to before) only to yell that when I was a teenager I did drugs and had an early pregnancy.  That was over 20 years ago - and had nothing to do with anything except that she thought that it would be a shocker to my kids who were there ('cept I've already had that heart to heart) and to embarrass me in a place where I should feel safe, right?  I mean, who does that?

There's other stuff going on - but I am so livid and beyond feeling betrayed.  I've been house hunting for over a year and just can't find anything - we're looking now at having to take on fix-it-upper project homes instead of transitioning out to something nicer if we are going to be able to offer the other two (which next fall will both be in community college) bedrooms.  When she and one of my daughter's conspired for her to runaway, and I called her and told her if she goes through with this she can bloody well consider the first night as my notice to move.  We had a boiler plate rental agreement that stupidly (during my moment of wanting so badly to have a mother) did not get a copy of.  I believe after the first year, without signing anything further, that it is an assumed month-to-month conditions.  The house stuff is dragging (we are supposed to offer something on one of two homes...and either one will still take between 30 or 45 days up to 2 months (if we go with the FannieMae).  If my DH was not in law enforcement, I would seriously just let my mother go through the eviction process and not pay a damn penny. 

Re: My mother - worse than any of your MILs (Vent)

  • This is a a toxic person at its utmost.

    She also appears to be mentally ill --- neat is one thing but when it becomes an obsession to the point where you abuse your child is quite another:

     My mother would hit me with anything that was within distance if she were angry, I was punished if the fringe on the rugs weren't combed out evenly spaced (shaking the rug outside was one of my chores)

     Have you seriously considered cutting ties with her for good?

     I most emphatically would NOT permit my kids to be around her. You have my sympathies.

  • Good luck moving out and when you do close the door on her entirely. Your DD will learn soon enough what evil looks like should she think the grass is greener.
  • It is time to cut off all non-essential communication. You rent a home from her (if I read that right) so there are likely to be business communications that can't be avoided, but other than those, you need to stop talking to her. Completely. 

    Also, do a little research on the landlord tenant laws/ordinances in your area. Some areas (like mine, for instance) a landlord must provide a copy of the lease. See what your local rules are in terms of leasing, and the notice that must be given. As soon as you can, move out. At that point no more communication at all. 

    Good luck, I'm sorry you're going through this. 

  • Wow! I am so sorry you have to go through this. Its never easy to deal with a parent who tries to harm you and treat you like you are nothing unless they need a favor. I will pray that some way everything can be healed and she will see the light of her actions. Also, that you will be able to heal yourself.
  • Why are you still talking to this woman?

    You need to give her your 30 days and move out! Find an apt. Move out. And stop talking to her. She is no good.

  • Stop giving her the opportunities to interfere in your life like that ? and when she acts out like she did in your church ? file a restraining order against her. If she?s plotting to have your child run away ? call the police on her. Stop letting her get away with ridiculous behavior and cut her out of your life!

  • Please, please, please get yourself some therapy to deal with all of this.  It is beyond me that you (yes you) have allowed her to be any part of your life, your children's lives at all.  Why is she in your life?  Why is your dad in your life?  You really need to take some time away from the drama and assess what is healthiest for your family.  And you need to do this with the help of a licensed therapist that is an expert in abuse.  Please do this for yourself.
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