March 2010 Weddings
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Difficult BM Situation- WWYD (Long)

Well now that all of the hoopla is over, I wanted to share something that happened during the week of our wedding. I am struggling with how to deal with this and would love some input from you ladies as it is a very difficult situation.

I had money stolen from me and my Mom two days before my wedding about $400 total. We believe that one of my BMs took it. We went to a male strip show for my Bachelorette Party (classy I know) and then out to a bar in a limo. I was pretty much sober by the time we got to my Mom's house after the bar, and my Mom didn't drink at all and noticed all of her money in her wallet when she paid for a coke at the bar. I woke up the next morning and realized the $200 I had in my wallet was gone, I never carry that much cash but it is difficult for me to get to a bank in the US that doesn't charge me an arm and a leg to take out money from my Canadian account. Once I announced to everyone I had money stolen they all checked their wallets. My Mom was the only other person that had her money taken as well  about $200 which she had because she was holding my sister's cash in her wallet too.

Based on the events from the night before we know it was taken at my house, all of the girls stayed there after the Bachelorette Party and would have easy access to both mine and my Mom's purses. Since my Grandmother had my Mom's wallet at the strip show and my Mom noticed she still had cash at the bar we know it wasn't taken then.

One of my BMs, the one I probably know the least, had been really shady all week. She owed my Mom money for her dress (still hadn't paid and they came in, in Dec), she owed my BMs money for the Bachelorette limo and she owed money from my shower gift from February. She said all week she had to go to an ATM to get cash but whenever anyone offered to take her she said no. My Mom suspected her right away and didn't tell me this until after the wedding, she just let me think it was taken at the strip show. She ended up going to the ATM with my Mom and my Mom said she took forever to take cash out and only took out $20 but miraculously had enough money to pay everyone. I know she has been struggling financially, as her and her FI are terrible with money. She was also really rude and a "debbie-downer" all week.

After the wedding I discussed the details with my Mom, DH, my sister and MOH as well as some of the other BMs. We all came to the same conclusion that based on all of the facts and this BM's behavior that we are 99% sure she took the money. This makes me sick to think about, not that I lost cash big whoop it sucks but oh well, more so that one of my BMs would steal from me and my Mother the day before my wedding. Especially someone who I have stood by through all of her relationship drama and I thought was my best friend out here.

I don't know how to handle things now. DH wants us to slowly break ties with the BM but that is going to be difficult. Her FI is one of DH's teammates and the world of football wives is very tight-nit. I cannot avoid her without her knowing something is up and DH doesnt want to call her out on it as he is afraid she would make my life hell as she is very loud, aggressive and outspoken. I am also supposed to be her BM next April (this is the crazy one I have mentioned before). I have been avoiding her for now, but it makes me nauseous to think of seeing in her person and having to pretend all is well. How would you handle this?

TTC #1 Since July 2011
BFP #1 2/28/12- 3/3/12 CP at 4w3d
BFP #2 4/1/12- 5/7/12 Missed M/C at 8w4d (measuring 6w3d)
TTC on hold until December
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Re: Difficult BM Situation- WWYD (Long)

  • Oof. This is such a difficult situation and I'm sorry that you have to go through it. Since you will have to deal with her in the future - and be in her wedding - there really isn't a lot you can do. Well, there is a lot you can do but if you want life to be good - there isn't.

    If you confront her - she's going to say she didn't do it and then be pissed at you and make your life hell. I think the easiest thing to do here is take it as a learning experience and be happy it wasn't even more expensive than $400. This girl is NOT your friend. Don't ever trust her again with anything. I don't know if you are good at playing "fake friend" but you're going to have to when you are in her presence. But remember to be very very careful around her. Don't let her lure you back into a friendship. She will do it again.

    It's really too bad that she is as involved in your life as she is. Otherwise you could just kick her to the curb. What a b-word.

    Again, I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Just be safe around her.

  • I agree with pp. If you don't want to confront her about it then, unfortunately, there isn't much that can be said or done. If DH wasn't teammates with her FI I would say screw all that and say something to her.

    That sucks that there are people out there who are so mean that they would do something like that especially right before someone's wedding and then still have the nerve to ask you to be in hers! I guess if you want to get even, you could take money from her during her bachelorette party (I'm totally kidding...don't call the cops on me!)

  • Wow is all that I can say! How on earth could someone take money from anyone right before their wedding!! I'm so sorry.

    I agree with pp's. You don't really have many options but definitely don't trust her. I would do the be friendly when in her presence, but don't go out of your way to be involved with her or have her in your life.

     And certainly watch your wallet if she is ever at your house again!

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  • I agree with PPs.  If you don't want to confront her and possibly end all ties then there isn't much you can do.  When I was younger, my school had a bomb threat and evacuated the entire school and we weren't allowed to bring any bags out with us.  I had over $200 in cash in my bag as I was supposed to go shopping that afternoon.  They sent everyone home and wouldn't allow anyone to get back into the building until the weekend to get their stuff.  Needless to say, someone had gone through others' bags when they got their stuff and all the money was gone.  I know it's not necessarily the same thing, but it taught me not to really carry cash on me (even though you weren't able to get to the bank due the the US/Canada situation).

    If I were you, I would personally bail out of her wedding.  I remember your previous posts about this girl and I don't know that I would feel comfortable paying for stuff for her wedding, let alone even standing up there representing her, when she could have done this to you.  Obviously she isn't a true friend.

  • That just plain sucks.

     I kind of agree with your DH in that severing ties might not be a bad thing.  I have a friend from high school (note: I graduated 10+ years ago) that I've just had to allow the friendship to fizzle.  I answer the phone when she calls, but I don't initiate contact. It's hard, but like pp said, I wouldn't allow her to lure you back into a trusting friendship.

     Since she will be someone you will continue to see socially, I wouldn't bring up the money issue.  If she truly did steal it from you, either she'll eventually confess or will stop attempting to initiate contact out of guilt and awkwardness. 

    TTC #1 5/97 - PCOS dx 6/10 - Metformin 8/10 - Moved from Endo to RE 9/10 - 50mg Clomid 9/10 - 100mg Clomid 10/18 - BFP - Beta #1 = 91 - Beta #2 = 958 EDD 6/28/11 Tater Tot arrived 6/21/11 on his Great Grandmother's 90th Birthday
  • Thank you all for your advice!

    I am going to slowly cut ties with them/mainly her as we do like her FI, and I am trying to figure out a way as to how I can backout as her BM without having to explain myself too much. I honestly don't see them making it to the alter anyway, but you never know. DH and I are definitely not going to spend thousands of dollars to go to Mexico for their wedding.

    DH has suggested that I try to reach out to some of the other wives on his team to try to establish friendships with them so I don't have to rely on the BM when the season comes in 8 weeks. A lot of them are out of town right now so I have been sending texts and FB messages. My BM caused a lot of drama last year so I wouldn't be surprised if secretly a lot of the other girls don't like her. She was the first friend I made in Edmonton, so I have been kind of blind to her behaviors. Looking back now I see some serious lack in moral judgment and I know her life/relatiosnhip/job are really unstable.

    I hate drama and conflict, so I think the best thing is for me to focus on making new friends and separating myself from the toxic ones. Lesson learned if you have a gut feeling that someone's moral compass is a little off you should probably trust that feeling, oh and don't carry cash in your house! I'll keep you updated on how this all works out!

    TTC #1 Since July 2011
    BFP #1 2/28/12- 3/3/12 CP at 4w3d
    BFP #2 4/1/12- 5/7/12 Missed M/C at 8w4d (measuring 6w3d)
    TTC on hold until December
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  • I agree. I think you need to cut ties with her. She is a toxic person and you definitely don't need people like that around you and in your life.

    And about backing out as her BM, try telling her that you and DH have a lot coming up right now and can't afford plane tickets, hotel stay, dress and the millions of other little expenses it would take to be in her wedding next year. If that doesn't work, I say just tell her the truth. If you are right about the other wives not particularly caring for her, then you won't be on your own and it would be better for you to get that off you chest and confront her about what she did, rather than just keeping it bottled up.

    HTH and sorry you're having to go through this!

  • Agree with pp. She is toxic. Bail out of her wedding. And when you tell her, you can say that you are worried about money - especially since someone stole money from you right before your wedding! Let her sweat it a little.
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