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HELP/venting..

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Re: HELP/venting..

  • First of all, I want to say that you did call this venting, so it is totally understandable that you voiced your frustration and your fears. Don't be too hard on yourself!  Anyone who says they have never had similar arguments with their significant other at some point in their lives is probably not telling the truth!

    Having said that, there is a saying that goes something like this: when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. It sounds like this might come in handy for you.

    Make a list of all the wonderful qualities you love about your FI and let him know how much you appreciate what he does or who he is for you, even if it is the littlest thing! If you do this for a couple of weeks consistently, you will see the dynamic of your relationship change drastically--arguments over sex, the dishes, or any wedding planning will not even occur to you any more!

    BTW, I'm a happily married woman and a life and relationship coach, so I've done this personally and used it professionally with clients and it really works!

    All the best!! 

  • imagelivinitup:

    When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?" (in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me) and I said, "well this march 5th it was quite warm, like 65." (still trying to be calm) him, "Yeah well then a week later it was like 30 degrees and snow warnings" I said, "well honey.. the temperature isn't super important since ladies will be taking their shoes off reguardless and this way they don't have to walk out onto the terrace or to have a smoke barefooted.." (!!!) his response? "Well just don't get mad if no one uses them".

    You're getting caught in a tit-for-tat and you know it.  This conversation would go MUCH differently if you stepped out of the spiral and SAID what you thought. 

    HIM: When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?" (in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me)

    YOU SAY:  That sounds a little snotty. 

    (And don't try to 'calm' him when you are disagreeing.  Just disagree, nobody like to be played, even nicely.)

    HIM: "Yeah well then a week later it was like 30 degrees and snow warnings"

    YOU: Yes, March is a tough month for warm and cold weather.  It's just a favor gift.  I like it. If its warm enough, people may like using them.

    HIM:  "Well just don't get mad if no one uses them"

    YOU:  Are you really conserned about me getting mad, or do you just not like the flip-flop favor?

    At any point you would have had a MUCH different conversation if you spoke differently.  Why get so bogged down?

    Wow, see I was just trying to not make a bid deal out of nothing and hoping I'd get over it but didn't. I know I need to work on communication. I feel like he would have just said he didn't say it was snotty then I would have been confused as to how I heard his snotty tone and thought I was going crazy. Guess either way I wouldn't have gotten upset enough to post on here anyway.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • imageD_solinger:

    First of all, I want to say that you did call this venting, so it is totally understandable that you voiced your frustration and your fears. Don't be too hard on yourself!  Anyone who says they have never had similar arguments with their significant other at some point in their lives is probably not telling the truth!

    Having said that, there is a saying that goes something like this: when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. It sounds like this might come in handy for you.

    Make a list of all the wonderful qualities you love about your FI and let him know how much you appreciate what he does or who he is for you, even if it is the littlest thing! If you do this for a couple of weeks consistently, you will see the dynamic of your relationship change drastically--arguments over sex, the dishes, or any wedding planning will not even occur to you any more!

    BTW, I'm a happily married woman and a life and relationship coach, so I've done this personally and used it professionally with clients and it really works!

    All the best!! 

    Thank you! I rarely express my frustrations and when I do I guess I tend to over dramatize them, thank you for your understanding and honestly! It sometimes seems like people never argue and it makes me feel like a complete freak or totally doomed in life and love.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • imageShadow42:

    What's wrong with you is that you're stressed.  And you've decided to take out all your stress on your FI - who is only being himself.  If you can't handle the way he is or you can't handle this kind of stress, then perhaps you need to cancel/postpone the wedding. 

    TBH, a lot of what you've said in your OP just smacks of Bridezillaisms.  Don't take all this shiit so seriously!   Calm down!

    Thank you!!! I will try to call the f down I promise! Living together after 3 years I guess he has just become my go to person to vent on and sometimes I take things out on him, I never really realized this before.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • You are most welcome! I'm serious though, I want you try my suggestion out and I want to hear how it works for you! OK? :-)
  • imageD_solinger:
    You are most welcome! I'm serious though, I want you try my suggestion out and I want to hear how it works for you! OK? :-)

    Will do! I think I friended you so I'll send you a message in a few days/weeks with an update.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • imagedan_and_andrea:
    Thanks catnapper! I never thought I'd be one to stress about wedding planning, I never even wanted to get married.. until I met him. He is just so dang honest sometimes it stuns me. And he has no understanding of kind of softening the truth a bit. And haha I'm going to have to send you an e card or something!

    Actually, I'm going to disagree with her on this point - if the wedding is this damn stressful for you two, what is the rest of married life going to be like?  How are the two of you going to be a united front when one or both of you loses a job?  Gets into an accident?  Deals with infertility?  Parenting?  Having to take care of a parent?  The death of your parents?  The death of a child?

    The wedding is NOTHING compared to what you are signing up for.  If you can't agree with how to celebrate a big party together, and communicate like adults through it and be happy and supportive with one another, then what will the rest of your married life be like? 50+ years of thinking your H thinks you're stupid?

    Seriously rethink marrying a guy who you think makes you feel like a moron.  No one ever regrets postponing a wedding - but we have people here ALL THE TIME who regret walking down that aisle despite red flags they chose to ignore.

  • imagedan_and_andrea:
    imageShadow42:

    What's wrong with you is that you're stressed.  And you've decided to take out all your stress on your FI - who is only being himself.  If you can't handle the way he is or you can't handle this kind of stress, then perhaps you need to cancel/postpone the wedding. 

    TBH, a lot of what you've said in your OP just smacks of Bridezillaisms.  Don't take all this shiit so seriously!   Calm down!

    Thank you!!! I will try to call the f down I promise! Living together after 3 years I guess he has just become my go to person to vent on and sometimes I take things out on him, I never really realized this before.

    Happens to the best of us, hon.  When I get stressed out, I sometimes take it out on MH - even though it's not his fault.  He's just the closest person I can take shiit out on, that's all.  

    Imoan is right, though, wedding planning shouldn't be stressful.  It's a party!  Enjoy it!

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  • imagehunniapple:
    For what it's worth, I don't know if she intended the flip flops to be actual "favors," but a way for the heel-wearing girls to dance more comfortably.

    Actually, she does intend for the flipflops to be favors.   Here is the quote from her original post:

    imagedan_and_andrea:
    Mk, well the FI just pissed me off yesterday over something stupid but he did it in a way that is so familiar. When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?"  
  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    imageDaringMiss:

    imagehunniapple:
    For what it's worth, I don't know if she intended the flip flops to be actual "favors," but a way for the heel-wearing girls to dance more comfortably.

    Actually, she does intend for the flipflops to be favors.   Here is the quote from her original post:

    imagedan_and_andrea:
    Mk, well the FI just pissed me off yesterday over something stupid but he did it in a way that is so familiar. When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?"  

    There was a follow up that she's just going to put a bunch of them in a basket at the reception for the guests to take as they see fit.  Some people use the word "favor" interchangeably for anything guests might take away from the wedding reception.  But it's weird that THIS is the part of the post we're arguing about.

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  • All I have to say is learn to pick your battles. And to communicate.
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  • Why are you guys even getting married?  Your FI is right, IMO about the flip flops.  You can't predict the weather, and while I am a year round flip flop wearer, most people are not.  If they want to go for a smoke, tell them to put their f*cking shoes back on.

    In all sincerity, you sound like you need some professional help.  YOU are taking everything to heart.  He CAN have a differing opinion without you getting all bent out of shape.

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  • I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice. I have a hard time differentiating between normal disagreements and big problems. I am in therapy mostly for my eating issues, but I do think this causes a lot of my over sensitivity throughout my personal life too. I was worried because I am so sensitive that if I posted anything on her it would just get me more upset but I found all the advice very helpful. I was actually very relieved to hear that it is me. One thing that I know after this is that my FI and I are stronger than I had realized. Again, thank you all so much!
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  • imagedan_and_andrea:
    imagelivinitup:

    When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?" (in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me) and I said, "well this march 5th it was quite warm, like 65." (still trying to be calm) him, "Yeah well then a week later it was like 30 degrees and snow warnings" I said, "well honey.. the temperature isn't super important since ladies will be taking their shoes off reguardless and this way they don't have to walk out onto the terrace or to have a smoke barefooted.." (!!!) his response? "Well just don't get mad if no one uses them".

    You're getting caught in a tit-for-tat and you know it.  This conversation would go MUCH differently if you stepped out of the spiral and SAID what you thought. 

    HIM: When I mentioned having flip flops as favors at our wedding he responds, "Won't it be cold?" (in a snotty you're a moron tone-at least to me)

    YOU SAY:  That sounds a little snotty. 

    (And don't try to 'calm' him when you are disagreeing.  Just disagree, nobody like to be played, even nicely.)

    HIM: "Yeah well then a week later it was like 30 degrees and snow warnings"

    YOU: Yes, March is a tough month for warm and cold weather.  It's just a favor gift.  I like it. If its warm enough, people may like using them.

    HIM:  "Well just don't get mad if no one uses them"

    YOU:  Are you really conserned about me getting mad, or do you just not like the flip-flop favor?

    At any point you would have had a MUCH different conversation if you spoke differently.  Why get so bogged down?

    Wow, see I was just trying to not make a bid deal out of nothing and hoping I'd get over it but didn't. I know I need to work on communication. I feel like he would have just said he didn't say it was snotty then I would have been confused as to how I heard his snotty tone and thought I was going crazy. Guess either way I wouldn't have gotten upset enough to post on here anyway.

    I think you missed my point a little.  Instead of reacting to a comment that comes off as "snotty" ... you can simple say "That sounds a little snotty".  This then gives you the opportunity to clear the air.  So when he says, "No I wasn't", you get to say - "Good.  I'm glad.  It just struck me that way. Are you conserned about the cold, or just don't like the idea?"  Its a very different way to communicate.  A better way. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • imagedan_and_andrea:
    I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice. I have a hard time differentiating between normal disagreements and big problems. I am in therapy mostly for my eating issues, but I do think this causes a lot of my over sensitivity throughout my personal life too. I was worried because I am so sensitive that if I posted anything on her it would just get me more upset but I found all the advice very helpful. I was actually very relieved to hear that it is me. One thing that I know after this is that my FI and I are stronger than I had realized. Again, thank you all so much!

    I don't know - you said he ALWAYS makes you feel stupid.  That's a glaring red flag.

  • IMO, flip flops should be worn only at the beach and no where else, and definitely not at weddings.  I also find them to be uncomfortable. 
  • I didn't see anyone mention it yet?but I highly suggest you pick up a copy of the book The 5 Love Languages. It is so insightful. You two probably show your love differently, and aren't communicating in the same "love language". If you can, get him to read it too, and things will make a lot more sense for the both of you.

    My last boyfriend was also brutally honest and straightforward, so I understand your frustration. It was an endearing quality of his when we were just friends, but when we became something more, I lacked the words of affirmation I needed from him (my love language) and the romance could not be sustained.

    Good luck.

  • I don't say this too often on this board, but--- I think it would be in your and your FIance's best interest to put the wedding on hold for now.  The wedding's slated to be a year from now, so if everything else works out you'll still have plenty of time to make it happen for March 5- and if not, postponing a wedding is not the big deal that marital problems would be.  

    There are, though, a lot of "big deal" items in your post.  One of them is- you're dealing with some eating issues and you say several times you're having some extreme problems with stress- for things to be bad enough that you would even say people were concerned they'd come home and find you hanging- that's pretty bad.  And that leads to two points.  The first, is that before any of the other stuff (going back to school, planning a wedding) you have a lot of work to do on handling and managing stress.  You owe it to yourself to make learning to handle stress healthily and well a priority above all else.  It's not bad or shameful to have a lot of work to do in the form of tackling eating issues or stress management, but it is a critical and important thing for you to do, and it needs to be the number 1 issue you're putting your energy into right now.  

    The second point- apparently this is "MrsGinger overshares about her past" day here on the Nest, but what the hey, I think this is important enough to share.   I went through a similar period, early in college, where I had a lot of work to do on me- my self esteem was so low you had to dig for it, I found even the tiniest things almost impossible to deal with, everything stressed me out almost to the point of breakdown.  During this time, I had a guy friend from whom I was almost inseparable.  Where I was doubtful, he was sure.  Where I was panicking, he was stoic.  To someone who feels lost and scared, someone who is sure of himself is irresistible.  

    Here's the thing- during the (long period of) time while I was in therapy and doing all the work I needed to do, I noticed that as I got more confident in myself, as I began handling my own problems more instead of falling apart- my relationship with him got worse and worse.  Towards the end of it- he was putting me down a lot and being punitive whenever I did something he didn't like or wasn't what he would do.  Our relationship was built on the dynamic of him being the one "in charge" and me being the one that was "a mess"- and as I got better, I inherently changed the dynamic between us because I was changing how I felt about and represented myself.  And this relationship, and most of my other friendships that I had during that time, did not survive that change, because what I sought out and valued in relationships when I was working through my issues was not what I wanted or valued in relationships when I was better and thinking of myself as a worthy, confident person. 

    Why am I telling you all this? Because I think there's a very good probability that when you've done more of the "you" work that you need to do, your ideas of who you want to be around, how you want your relationships to be, what you like and accept in your friends or partner- may change, and before you make any commitments (like marriage) you want to have already done that "you" work and be in that place.  And, suppose we're way different and after you've resolved your issues with eating and stress, you may have exactly the same friends and significant other that you do right now.  Even still- I think it will still have a profound impact on the way you perceive problems (big issues vs. little, someone genuinely being snotty vs. you being annoyed by what they're saying), and that that needs to happen before you'll be in a good place to work with him on changing any communication patterns.  

    Just my $.02.   


  • first things first.....this needs to be fixed BEFORE you get married. i personally dont understand, from what you've just posted why you're getting married to this guy because that came across to me like you argue all the time. My XH and i argued about the same things all the time and look where we are now...divorced. its a pain in the booty to get a divorce and takes ALOT longer to do plus way more paper work...get this fixed before hand...it's for the best.

     now....as far as him thinking he helped out by offering different ideas...in his mind he really thinks he did. him saying wont it be cold and the statement about the colder weather a week later is his way of putting in help and giving advice...pretty much he said..you need a back up plan bc the weather isnt really trust worthy. and you getting mad about him saying dont get mad if no one uses them..if thats really all it took for you to get upset you need to take a step back..you are stressed more than you can handle and planning a wedding can definitely do that to someone. take some time to just chill out and veg out...everyone needs a break away from it.

     my SO and i have communication problems but its him with communicating thats the problem.....honey thats men. they aren't ever going to communicate how you want them to or when you want them to..you gotta accept it. learn to read between the lines and think like a man i guess you could say...this could save you some stress...but for real...get this fixed before saying i do.

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