Family Matters
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update

I got an update from my mother this weekend that has me so worked up I don't even know where to start. Apparently, my brother signed over all parental/custodial rights to his girlfriend's mother. He has no rights or visitation, but he won't have to pay child support.

My mother told all of this to me in this happy-smappy "It's all fixed! Everything's okay now since Dad never had to find out!" attitude. It makes me sick. When my father finds out about it, they're all just going to lie and claim that her baby isn't my brother's, as "proof" he doesn't have to pay child support.

Ugh...what a mess.

Re: update

  • It's not a mess.  It's a decision.  If he doesn't want to be a father, then I give him credit for making a clean break and placing custody in good hands.

    This really isn't about your father and keeping the info from him.  This is about your brother.  He doesn't want to change anything about his life.  He didn't telll your dad b/c he didn't want to get kicked out.  He didn't rearrange his life to be a responsible parent.  He doesn't plan to contribute financially to this child's care or emotionally to this child's needs. 

    At least he made it legal and gave the grandparents a chance to raise the child.

    As for your mom, this is a good outcome.  She doesn't have to change anything either.  Kinda like a theme.

    I'm sad for you, I know you care.  How is the baby's health?

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I can understand you feeling disappointed, since this is a less than optimal outcome.

    However, being an observer, this felt like the most likely outcome, from my perspective.

    It's tough to see things happen around you in which you'd like them to be better or different and realize that the best thing that you can do sometime is nothing, because it isn't your decision. Best of luck to everyone.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image livinitup:

    It's not a mess.  It's a decision.  If he doesn't want to be a father, then I give him credit for making a clean break and placing custody in good hands.

    This really isn't about your father and keeping the info from him.  This is about your brother.  He doesn't want to change anything about his life.  He didn't telll your dad b/c he didn't want to get kicked out.  He didn't rearrange his life to be a responsible parent.  He doesn't plan to contribute financially to this child's care or emotionally to this child's needs. 

    At least he made it legal and gave the grandparents a chance to raise the child.

    As for your mom, this is a good outcome.  She doesn't have to change anything either.  Kinda like a theme.

    I'm sad for you, I know you care.  How is the baby's health?

    This. Smarter decision than to just be a deadbeat. Not ideal, but at least the baby will be taken care of. Even if he made it legal, you could probably still be a part of the child's life if you choose to, by asking the grandmother. Either way, Sorry that sucks for you... but he probably made the best decision for him.

    image
  • I mean this in the most "trying to be helpful way," but....

    You are as dysfunctional as the rest of your family.  Still tiptoeing around your dad, still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for dad to find out and get angry.  Everybody getting into everybody else's business.

    It's your brothers baby, your brothers news to share or not to share.  I know you feel badly about the baby, but again - it's your brothers baby, your brothers life, your brothers choice, your brothers news. 

    You need to disengage from your toxic family.  Having a sick (including a not-fully functioning autistic) family member breeds co-dependence.  I'm not even sure what I would classify your father as - rage-a-holic? 

    I think you should consider counseling, or at least reading up on family dysfunction and codependence. 

  • Trust me, I've read all about family dysfunction and I've tried to distance myself from them as much as I can. I try to avoid engaging in their toxic behavior as much as I can.  It's my own shortcoming that I allow myself to get sucked back in emotionally.
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