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Moving in with Father-in-Law

I am getting married in two months and today my fiance dropped a bit of a bomb on me. We have planned to move in with his elderly father who lives alone on a farm and needs some care. His father is supposed to live upstairs in the seperate apartment while we renovate and live downstairs on the main level. I was ok with this because I love his father dearly and the seperation given by the different living areas would give us privacy. Now, however, it turns out that the upstairs apartment wont be ready in time and it looks as if all three of us will be living on the same level.

 My issue is that, although it may seem like not a big difference, I am really disliking the idea of living so 'together'. I think part of the problem is that I would literally just be moving into my fiance's bedroom with his father down the hall and no room for my things. I know that his father needs care and I am happy to help and live there but for as long as we have been planning this the understanding was that the apartment would be finished and we would have some privacy. I just don't know what to do....we can't afford our own apartment because we have been putting our savings into renovating the deteriorating house. Is this not really that big of a deal?

Re: Moving in with Father-in-Law

  • Please don't do it. It's just not a good idea.

     

  • I think it's a HUGE deal, and I would work with FI to get FFIL to hire a subcontractor to finish whatever is left in the separate apartment in the next four or five weeks, and get his father moved in there. 

    As a newly-married adult, I would not move into my new husband's childhood bedroom. 

  • How long are all of you going to be living on the same level?

    Who is doing the work and why has it fallen behind?

  • Depends on how long it will take for the upstairs apartment to be ready. I might think about keeping a lot of my stuff in storage until the renovations are complete.

  • image LynDel:

    Depends on how long it will take for the upstairs apartment to be ready. I might think about keeping a lot of my stuff in storage until the renovations are complete.

    Yeah- how long are you talking about?  A couple weeks, eh, whatever. I'd suck it up.  6 months?  Different story.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • image LynDel:

    Depends on how long it will take for the upstairs apartment to be ready. I might think about keeping a lot of my stuff in storage until the renovations are complete.

    What's the hold up?

    If it's $$ I'd divert funds from your level of the house to his. I assume you'll be getting the house once he dies, so the improvements will only benefit you in the long run. 

    You need a timeline in order to look at the overall situation and make a decision. Call the contractor. 

    image image image
  • So you are pouring money into a property you have no claim to or rights.  Is that right?  Your money has already gone to this property and you have no lega recource to recover it and if FFIL passes away, it becomes part of his estate for his heirs, to which you are not. 

    Do you have any legal papers drawn and signed to represent your interest?  Or is all of this just going on faith? 

    What if you never move it? What happens to your investment in the property?  Do you just loose it? 

    I am not being difficult, this is the EXACT position you are in.  The presumabley handshake deal you have with your FI, his father and this property just fell apart.  Your investment is not giving you a private residence with second floor access to an aging IL.  It's giving you a shared bedroom with your FI in his childhood home.  Is that what you agreed to?  Is that what you what?

    You have a moment here.  ONE moment to set your destiny.  Don't just flow with the momentum you've created.  If you truly don't want to move into your FI/DH's childhood bedroom, then DON'T.  Postpone the wedding, you can do that.  Or find a small, affordable residence to move into before the repairs are completed.  Are you living at home as well?  You don't have to just drift into this.  You can and should re-assess this situation and make it work for you. On your terms.  Or you will forever be living on OTHER people's terms.

    And get some of these promises on paper. Its not too late to establish some of your rights based on the money you've poured into this place - and plan to continue to pour into.

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  • I agree with livinitup completely.  This has disaster written all over it, but fortunately, it's entirely preventable.
    image
  • Please re-read livinitup's reply.  Print it out and keep it.

    I know that you love your FI and he loves you and everything will be wonderful.  That's the plan.  But plans don't always go perfectly, and right now you have the potential to be screwed over pretty badly.

    Not to say that it will happen or that anyone plans to do that to you.  But you have put yourself into a very ugly spot.

    Get some legal advice, to protect your finances.  You should do that TODAY.

    And if you aren't comfortable with the living situation that you are walking into, then DON'T agree to walk into it.  You have other options - they're just not the easy options.

    There's no way in hell that I'd be willing to do what you're being asked to do.  I'd postpone the wedding before I'd move into a bedroom with my DH and live with his father.

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  • image livinitup:

    So you are pouring money into a property you have no claim to or rights.  Is that right?  Your money has already gone to this property and you have no lega recource to recover it and if FFIL passes away, it becomes part of his estate for his heirs, to which you are not. 

    Do you have any legal papers drawn and signed to represent your interest?  Or is all of this just going on faith? 

    What if you never move it? What happens to your investment in the property?  Do you just loose it? 

    I am not being difficult, this is the EXACT position you are in.  The presumabley handshake deal you have with your FI, his father and this property just fell apart.  Your investment is not giving you a private residence with second floor access to an aging IL.  It's giving you a shared bedroom with your FI in his childhood home.  Is that what you agreed to?  Is that what you what?

    You have a moment here.  ONE moment to set your destiny.  Don't just flow with the momentum you've created.  If you truly don't want to move into your FI/DH's childhood bedroom, then DON'T.  Postpone the wedding, you can do that.  Or find a small, affordable residence to move into before the repairs are completed.  Are you living at home as well?  You don't have to just drift into this.  You can and should re-assess this situation and make it work for you. On your terms.  Or you will forever be living on OTHER people's terms.

    And get some of these promises on paper. Its not too late to establish some of your rights based on the money you've poured into this place - and plan to continue to pour into.

    And what happens if you and Fi go your separate ways and decide the engagement is off, for whatever reason? 

    What about your interests in the house then?

    I don't know how much live-in aid the dad needs but that's another thread altogether. If his facilities are that diminished, maybe it's time to consider live in care or putting him in some type of assisted living.

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I would talk to an attorney about drawing up some kind of agreement.  If you and FI were planning to buy a house before you married, I would recommend that you make an agreement stating how much money you are putting in, if the relationship doesn't work out who gets first choice to buy the other out (of if the house gets put on the open market and then the proceeds are split).

    Since this is your FILs home that you are putting money into, then I would draw up some other kind of contract, stating that you are putting $XX into the house and if you split up, then you get your money back plus interest.  Yes, it sounds cold, especially with FIL so ill, but what happens if you live together and decide you can't handle living with FIL?  Or you just aren't ready to get married?  It's not even your (plural) house to sell or split - it's FILs home.  And if there is a divorce - - it's not your property to sell, even though you paid for improvements.

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get this straightened out legally! 

    And in the meantime - - tell your DH that the two of you will live in an extended stay hotel until the house is finished.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • My FFIL has already added us (both) in his will as inheritors of the house and I, personally, have put very little into the house as far as money because I'm still in college. We have already discussed drawing up papers with a lawyer giving us possession of the dowstairs portion of the house and then gaining the upstairs upon his death (they are already legally seperate properties) .

    My fiance believes it will be a month or two before the upstairs will be finished. Primarily it has fallen behind because of a lack of finances. Also, my fiance's brother-in-law was doing a lot of the construction but he has fallen ill recently and has been unable to help. My fiance has agreed to make a big push towards finishing the upstairs and then reevaluating the situation before the wedding. I'm thinking that I'm really going to put my foot down though and not make any more concessions. I am not willing to put all of my possesions into storage (including the wedding presents) and then share one tiny bathroom with both my fiance and FIL.

     Thanks for all of your input; it is reassuring to know that I'm not being selfish about this situation!

  • If it's only going to be a month or two, and you have all the legalities worked out, then I'd say it's probably best just to suck it up. But keep on them to keep the repairs moving in a timely fashion! Try to get a written timeline. I've been in situations where 1 month turned into like 6 months. Also, I hope you're not going to be paying to live there, because just providing the elderly care can be a job in itself, and free rent/mortgage would be necessary. Good Luck!
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