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three's a crowd at 'welcome home?'

so it's still a few weeks (okay months) away before dh comes home (10 down, five to go).  so mil and i were talking about when she'll see ds and i again (in three weeks for his 1st bday and then possibly they'll come down when we move back on base at christmas).  she went on and on how much she misses us, we do miss her too and love her much.  suddenly, she mentions how she wants to be there when dh comes home!

ugh!  how do i explain to her, no!  you can't be there!  those precious 48hrs he gets off after he gets back from being gone 15 months we need to be just the three of us.  dh needs to be the one to tell her, but i have a feeling i'll end up having to tell her.  ugh! 

side note, she was there when he came home from his first deployment, but i wasn't in the picture yet.  she wasn't there the last time he came home, but i was.  this time i feel like it needs to be ds (who was 5wks old when dh deployed) and me (and all the other spouses and soldiers reuniting for the first time in a long time).

thanks for reading this far.

Re: three's a crowd at 'welcome home?'

  • Almost my husbands entire family was at homecoming. We had about 20 people on the field waiting for him to get off the bus. We did a little party after, the night they got home, and then we didn't see them again until post deployment leave. Maybe she could be there for that. And then you'll have the rest of the time. I bet he'll get more than 2 days. My husband was supposed to only get two days after just seven months and got 5. Just talk to her about it. See if you can work something out. I totally understand where you're coming from, though. But it was my compromise with the family. They knew that I needed my time. So I said yeah, come on down, we'll have a little get together and then we'll see you on leave!

    Talk to your hubby too. Ask him what he wants. If he doesn't want her there and just wants it to be you two for a while, see if he can maybe talk to her himself. I know he's busy, but it'll probably be easier for you and her if he can tell her.

    Good luck! And its NEVER too early to start thinking about homecoming... I made my first sign 3 months before my husband got home. haha

  • I usually don't comment in posts like this because my H has yet to deploy so I haven't BTDT, but I think you would really be in the wrong if you forbade your MIL from being at the homecoming.  She needs to respect your private time together, but this is her son.  As a mother, don't you think that if you were in her position you'd want to be there? 
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  • I wouldn't tell her no, I would have your DH do it if that is what he wants. ?I sure as hell didn't want MIL or anyone else at homecoming, since we had a young child he hardly knew. ?Lucky for me DH felt the same way. ?But it was his place to gently break that to his fam. ?Your DH has got to be able to call, unless he's somewhere really remote.

    ?

    We did see them during r and r and during his 30 day post deployment leave, just not the first day. ??

    ?

    Good luck, and I'm glad you're on the downward slope?

  • I'm not in your shoes (DH only deploys for 4 months at a time and we haven't had a child with any of the past deployments) but I could never tell MIL or FIL they couldn't attend a homecoming. I know that they worry and miss him just as much as I do and who am I to tell them that they have to wait to see him? We've always had MIL and FIL stay at a nearby hotel so we can at least have some private time at night. They never stay more than a few days anyway and then we get all the alone time we want.
  • sticky situation. i feel you on wanting to have dh to yourself for atlest 2 days. i feel the same way. i would discuss it with your dh and see how he feels. if he would like her to be there maybe what you could do is go pick him up alone that way you could have atleast a few minutes alone with him before having to share him.
  • My goodness I am so with you.  I really feel that if you want it to the three of you when he comes home, you should get that.  Maybe plan a family party or something later on, but you all need time to just be together.  My MIL invited herself when DH was meeting DD for the first time.  I so wanted it to just be a private thing with us, but she included herself and I am still bitter about it to this day.  I am so glad when DH comes home from this deployment he will be coming to Alaska and will be moved up there by then.  Since MIL hasn't been there to visit in the last six years since he's lived there, I think we are safe.  I'm sure we will have to share for R&R and i will be posting a very similiar post before too long.

     I would definitely share your feelings with DH and see what he has to say.  I know it stinks for them because they are kind of put in the middle, but hopefully he will help you to work it all out.  Good luck with the whole dilema.  Either way, thinking about these things means the end is getting closer!!!

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  • thanks ladies!

     i guess i should have added this earlier.  two weeks after dh gets back, he clears his unit and we have a whole month off before he has to to report to his new duty station (he's foregoing his 90 days decompression time).  so, we'll see the whole family within a matter of few weeks of him coming home. 

    and well, my mil is korean and doesn't believe in staying at a hotel if you have a bed/ couch/ floor to sleep on.  so, they'd be crashing at our place (which i should mention dh has never been to because we lived off base when he deployed and ds and i moved home to fl while he's been gone.  so, when he returns, we'll be on base and in a new home).  so, all and all, dh will be discussing this with his mother, but in the long run i'll have to lay it out completely, fine lines and all for her.  i love her, even in her hoverness  though

     

    thanks ladies!

  • I typed and typed and reworded and reworded some more but no matter how I type it I comes off sounding awful.

     My husband does not have a good relationship with his dad or stepmom. They don't support him being in the military at all. When he joined they asked him where he wanted to be buried. The US wasn't even in a war at that point. 

    They bombarded us when he recently left. When I say bombarded I mean that they wait until the LAST DAY to come and say "oh hey, how are you? see you in a year.". When they hadn't seen us since the recent Christmas. I would feel completely different if they had an ongoing relationship with my husband and they came to say goodbye etc. But they don't so it is aggravating to both my husband and myself.

     Because of the poor relationship we have with his parents we would not want them there at any point for those 48 hours. They could see him during that 30 day leave. He would probably call them and let them know that all is well and he is back stateside. But he himself feels the way that I do. So, it is not an issue with telling them no if we were in your situation with a 48 hour pass.


     

     

     

     

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  • There's no way I would tell his parents not to be there.  What a terribly selfish thing to do.  They love him and miss him, too, and, more importantly, he misses his family, not just me. 

    I mean, I'd make sure they weren't around 24/7, but they're considerate of me, too, and would of course give us alone time.  In a welcome home, it's definitely a more the merrier situation.

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    thanks ladies!

     i guess i should have added this earlier.  two weeks after dh gets back, he clears his unit and we have a whole month off before he has to to report to his new duty station (he's foregoing his 90 days decompression time).  so, we'll see the whole family within a matter of few weeks of him coming home. 

    and well, my mil is korean and doesn't believe in staying at a hotel if you have a bed/ couch/ floor to sleep on.  so, they'd be crashing at our place (which i should mention dh has never been to because we lived off base when he deployed and ds and i moved home to fl while he's been gone.  so, when he returns, we'll be on base and in a new home).  so, all and all, dh will be discussing this with his mother, but in the long run i'll have to lay it out completely, fine lines and all for her.  i love her, even in her hoverness  though

     

    thanks ladies!

    Good plan letting DH talk to his mom about it. Good luck.

  • I definately feel ya. I had DS while hubby was deployed, so he has seen him a total of 20 days. I personally don't really care if my in-laws are there. Actually, strike that, I wouldn't be opposed to them not being there... That's the selfish part of me, however I have always left the decision totally up to him. When DH comes home in December, he has decided that he would like it to just be me and DS at the airport, but we have compromised and are going out to a nice dinner with his family that night. I personally think it should always be my hubby's choice. And if he doesn't want them there, it should be respected all around. He emails his mom and lets her know what's going on, and I deal with the results on this end... Generally it's the giant elephant in the room, because it bothers her, but she knows it isn't my decision and she respects that.
  • I would let your DH make the decision and then tell his family what his choice is and why.
  • Of course everyone is different, but I am thinking that my DH would want as many people there to greet him as wanted to be there. When he was single and returned from deployments he didn't have anyone there to greet him. I know that was really hard for him.  But of course you should do what your DH wants. :)
  • If I were in that position, I would let my husband decide.  We've discussed this before.  He's close to his family and if it were just me and him (no kids yet,) he would ask that as many people as possible be there...which would be fine with me as long as I get some alone time at some point.   If we had a kid, he wants it to be just the three of us with everyone else coming shortly after.  He knows how his family can be and wants us to have a few minutes together before I don't see him again :o)  I love his family and know that they want to see him too...and he enjoys seeing them and really wants them there. 

    Like you mentioned, let your DH handle it.    

  • We talked about this issue before he left, thank god. We agreed that whoever wanted to come could come, but no one was staying with us. I know you said his mom will insist on staying with you, but I'd put my foot down there. I'd almost be borderline innappropriate and rude to get my point across if that were the case. Like pp's said though, it's your H's mom, and if he wants her to be there, you'll be the biitch who says no, and even though I definitely feel you with wanting at least 2 days of alone time, I wouldn't want to refuse my H his mom after 15 months.
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  • We don't have children yet, but I think it's totally understandable to only want it to be the 3 of you at HC. We are stationed across the country from the ILs, so I haven't had to deal with them wanting to be at HC yet. And since we live so far away, they are used to not seeing us on a regular basis (maybe twice a year). Call me selfish, but I have always wanted it to just be me there waiting for him (with our kid(s) in the future). I understand previous comments about the ILs missing their son and wanting to see him, but they can always visit a few days after the actual HC in order to give you all time to reconnect and have some time alone.

     Either way, I do think your DH should be the one to talk to his mother about it. I'm glad you're getting to the point where HC is in sight!

  • DH and I have discussed the Homecoming.  We know his family will want to come, so we have talked about letting them come and then going out to dinner/lunch with them.  After that we are taking off for a mini vacation at the spa where we had our honeymoon at.  We never told any of his family the name of the spa, so we don't have to worry about them crashing!  This was all DHs idea - maybe you guys could do something similiar so everybody is happy.  But I do totally understand that you want your time with him - I completely agree.

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  • thanks ladies!  dh and i talked about it today during our webdate.  just as i thought, he'd rather it be just ds and i waiting for him when he gets of the white bus.  he said after only seeing us through the computer screen for the last 15months, and only holding our ds for a total of 58 days out of life (he'll be at least 16 months when dh comes home), he wants to make the transition as smooth and meaningful as possible.  he said we'd see his parents and mine when he went on leave.  he said once he gets closer to redeploying, he'll have the talk with his parents.

     thanks again ladies!

  • Well that is good that you no longer have to worry about what ya'll will do about family visiting those first 48 hours.

     

     

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  • I don't think its selfish to want to just be with your DH and DS when he first arrives home!  Especially since  you are both on the same page.  Glad everything worked out for you and he's going to talk to them!

    I'm the one deployed, and I was worried my mom would want to come out and then have hurt feelings when I just wanted to see DH. Thankfully, she actually got it and realized we might want some time alone - we're having a nice long visit AFTER I spend my first weekend back alone with my DH!

  • My husband just got home a few weeks ago from deployment (granted, he's AF so his deployment was shorter). But DH and I had agreed we wanted it to be only the two of us. After talking with her and having hubby talk to her, she finally agreed that they could wait a few weeks. We already had plans to go visit them 2 weeks later for his father's 50th birthday.

     I know he's her son, but when you get married, it becomes the two of you.

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