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help i dont want to sound mean

ok me and my fiance lived with his older sister for about 3 years, and we finally got our own place. I love it !!! weve had our own 1bdrm going on 2 years. We just started talking about maybe getting into a house when the lease is up and that would be cool, but then my fiance brought up maybe having his sister live with us to split rent. I love his sister,but I dont want to live with her, I want my fiance to myself. Were gonna get married in january and i dont want to be a newlywed living with his sister.What can I do? I told him we didnt need to get a house if we cant afford it by ourselves, but it almost makes me nervous to suggest even a 2 bdrm apt.How can I tell him I dont want to live with her without coming off as an @hole.
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Re: help i dont want to sound mean

  • if you can't talk to your FI about stuff like this without worrying about how he'll react, how will you handle more important topics, let alone marriage?

    ?

    you could just tell him exactly what you just said here. ?sounds simple enough to me.?

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  • "honey i love you and I love your sister, but we are about to start our lives together, I would rather not live with your sister anymore, we need to have our own space"

    If you cannot talk to him about this, and other issues with his family, PLEASE reconsider your getting married. If he cannot or will not respect and understand your feelings, you have serious issues. You aren't being selfish or acting like an A$$hole here.

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  • Why would you come of as an @ss because you don't want to live with his sister?

    You are allowed to have your own feelings on the matter ... and living with another adult is a big deal. It may have made sense a few years ago but it doesn't mean it has to make sense for your next move.

    And frankly, its a lot of pressure to live beyond your means.  You can simply say, I don't want to create a finacial situation where we need a roommate to afford our home.  It also locks your FSIL into living with you.  What happens when she gets a better offer than living with her brother and splitting rent ... what happens when she wants to move but feels pressure to stay because you guys need her income? 

    You guys can have a nice place without offering it to his sister to live in.  If you are feeling some kind of guilt to take care of her because she gave you a place to stay a few years back, then you should think about repaying her finacially - not living with her again. 

    And you should work on talking to your FI honestly about things without fear of it being twisted into somehting it is not ... especially things that affect you ever single day .. and a roommate affects you every single day.

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  • First of all, if you live your life without disagreeing with people because you don't want to sound mean, then people will walk all over you.And if this is the man you want to spend forever with, then you should definitely be able to tell him how you feel.

    Maybe you could put the plans for moving on the back burner for now. Take the extra time to save some money for a house or an apartment you can afford without having to have roomies.


  • Well, using a cruel tone of voice and saying "I dont like your sister and there is no way I'm going to live w/ her again" - you'll sound like an a$$hole.

    But if you're nice about it and express that you don't want to live w/ ANYONE, and that you feel you all need to be able to afford your home on your own, then you'll come across as someone who is simply expressing their views on the matter.

    And if your FI actually thinks your being an a$$hole by doing that, then "ditto" many others in spades- that doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship!

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  • Ditto everyone else.
  • Nope. Do NOT take in a relative.

    I wouldn't marry this guy until he learns the meaning of "standing together with your wife". It's essential that he understand that concept.

    If you both cannot afford the rent in a new place, stay where you are.

     

     

  • Tell him that you prefer living with just him.  You are going to be married - it's just wierd that he wants his sister to live with you.

    I strongly suggest pre-marital counseling.  You seem to have communication problems with your fi - afraid of sounding "mean" by telling your fi how you prefer to live your life!  I also think your fi sounds unhealthy - why does he want to either live beyond his means, or live with a third party (even his sister) in his marriage.  Maybe he has intimacy issues, or needs to grow up. 

    DH's brother had a "third party" (best friend) in his first marriage.  Notice I say first - because it wasn't his last. 

    Go to the money board to figure out how much you can afford (they have weblinks, etc.) and find a house that you can afford on your and fi's income, not a renter's.

  • I think sounding mean is entirely in your voice, tone, attitude.  Surely you can bring up a financial concern to your future husband without being mean about it.  You don't even have to mention his sister, because, it's not about her.  It's about the money. 

    "Darling, let's talk about the house thing.  I feel a little bit uncomfortable about buying a house that we need a room mate to afford.  What if we can't find anyone?  Could we maybe buy a condo or rent a bigger place for awhile to see if we can afford it?"

    "What? Of course this isn't because of your sister!  I love your sister and if I were going to have any room mate I would pick her, BUT I don't want a roommate.  How else can we make cookies nekkid in our kitchen to celebrate our 4 month anniversary?"

  • Agreed. I would just explain that while you appreciate what his sister did for you, you are starting your lives together and you want to enjoy your newlywed days ALONE. There is nothing wrong with that and I would even venture to say that you should be able to say this without him getting upset. Unless she is homeless or going broke, I wouldn't do it. If it is only for discounted rent then get a smaller place the two of you can afford alone.
  • I think that you can tell him in a nice way--it's all in how you frame it.  Focus on wanting to build your relationship rather than his sister.  Tell him you want more privacy (to explore your sexual relationship, etc.--that should pique his interest;-)  Tell him that it's important to you to have the time alone that you need as a couple to bond and build a life together. 

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  • Ditto everyone else.

    I also want to add that you have to be honest, whether it's about his sister in particular or not.  If you aren't honest and try to make up some reason that seems like he can't disagree with, what if that problem is resolved?  Then you are back at square one, and your motives are now in question.

    Also, if you go along with this, in an attempt not to be mean, I guarantee you WILL be mean.  You will be living in a situation that you don't agree with and you have no control over.  Your FI won't know why and will only see your behavior as irrational. 

  • Just be honest with him.  "I think it's important for us as (soon to be) young married couple to live on our own and establish our marriage.  I love your sister, but I would prefer not to live with her."
  • that sounds reasonable
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