September 2009 Weddings
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Potentially convtroversial

Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? 

If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

If Yes, how do you resolve those feelings so they don't conflict with your feelings for your H?

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Re: Potentially convtroversial

  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? 

    I have feelings of friendship, but nothing more than that. One of my ex's is actually one of my very best friends. That bugged H when we 1st started dating, but now he's also friends with him.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

    Under certain circumstances, yes.

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  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? 

    Most of the guys I dated before H were scum bags...so, no.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

    Absolutely. For some reason - when I read this question I thought of someone that may have a child with an ex - If I was in that situation, I think I'd always love the ex because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have my child.

     

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  • I don't have feelings in the sense I'd want to be back with anyone of them.  But there is one I've seen and thought"he still looks good."

    I don't think you can really have "feelings" for two people, unless they are just attraction or more sentimental (we had some good times).  I think it is natural to have some feeligns of jealousy (such as seeing them in a new relationship).

    I don't think it healthy to "obsess" over an ex.  I have a friend who was in a committed relationship.  But she was still obssessed with her ex.  He was engaged, and she would stalk his facebook, his wedding website and registry, everything.  If there was an event he was going to be at, she would have to look good. I think that is a sign her current relationship is not happy.

    As for how to resolve those issues, I think the first is not to deny the feelings.  At least not to yourself.  Also, if there relationship never had closure, I think it's time to get that.  Even if it's in the form of a written letter you never send.

    If you have thought on acting on those feelings, I think it is time to re-examine the current relationship.

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  • this is tough so im going to explain and not directly answer your questions. i remained friends with an ex for several years after we broke up. i still had feelings for him yes and no i wasnt able to be happy with another person. but, we broke up because he cheated on me and had a baby with his ex while we were together so it wasnt like i could turn those feelings off. we remained friends for so long purely because i felt ridiculous amounts of guilt due to the fact that every time i tried to cut ties, he'd try to kill himself.

    we remained friends, talking daily, several months into DH and i dating (four years after our initial breakup). i didnt have feelings for ex at that time other than caring about his well-being. i was totally upfront with DH about the fact that this person was an ex and we were friends. but ex is also unstable so even though DH asked, i'd never let them meet. ex knew i was seeing someone but we never discussed it. finally DH and i had this big blow out fight and i confessed that i was only friends because of the guilt that i felt. with DH's help and professional help i was able to realize that the only person at fault for ex's actions was ex. so i completely excommunicated with him.

    i still thought about him from time to time and a piece of me still worries about him. but when he found out i was getting married he told me that he was going to kill DH so that we could be together. that pretty much rid me of any concern i had for him. which is also why we've taken extreme measures with changing our numbers, unlisting our address, installing the security system, etc.

    i still hear from him occasionally through email...he asks me to leave DH, have an affair with him, he told me that on v-day he made dinner plans and if i wanted to "choose him" i should show up. of course i ignore all of this.

    i dont want him in my life and i dont care for him, but i definitely lead a more fearful life without him in it than when i was at least in contact with him.

     

     

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  • Nope..he was an alcoholic and I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did. However, I do still think about the relationship..mostly in the context of "wow, I can't believe how much better my life is now."

     I think it's possible to still look back on that person/relationship fondly but be in love and happy with your husband. It isn't the case in my life, but I think that it's possible.

    Resolving these feelings for me, if I did still have positive feelings about my ex would be as easy as recognizing that the life I chose is pretty amazing. 

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  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? 

    Nope, but I never had another serious relationship.  I do however wonder what it would have been like to date some of the people I chose not to.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

    I think you can have some type of feelings for someone, but I'm thinking more along the lines of "we had good times, he was a good guy, I hope the best for him, it's still nice to see/talk to him".  However, I don't think you can have the loving feelings (like the ones we have for our husbands) for more than one person.

    If Yes, how do you resolve those feelings so they don't conflict with your feelings for your H?

    If I did answer yes, I would acknowledge some sort of feelings but realize they're not the same as what I feel for my H.

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  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? 

    No, because I was never very emotionally tied to any of them to begin with.

     

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

    Yes.  It's possible to still feel romantic feelings for someone but realize you could never actually have a healthy relationship with them. 

    If Yes, how do you resolve those feelings so they don't conflict with your feelings for your H?

    It's probably a matter of both love and rationality.  First, most likely (and hopefully), you love your H more than the other person and are much more bonded to him than your ex.  Second, if you and your ex weren't compatible together (even if you were in love), then the rational side of you should realize that things are much better and healthier with your H.  If they aren't, then marriage counseling may be in your future and you probably weren't ready to get married.


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  • image melpfaff:

    I don't have feelings in the sense I'd want to be back with anyone of them.  But there is one I've seen and thought"he still looks good."

    I don't think you can really have "feelings" for two people, unless they are just attraction or more sentimental (we had some good times).  I think it is natural to have some feeligns of jealousy (such as seeing them in a new relationship).

    I don't think it healthy to "obsess" over an ex.  I have a friend who was in a committed relationship.  But she was still obssessed with her ex.  He was engaged, and she would stalk his facebook, his wedding website and registry, everything.  If there was an event he was going to be at, she would have to look good. I think that is a sign her current relationship is not happy.

    As for how to resolve those issues, I think the first is not to deny the feelings.  At least not to yourself.  Also, if there relationship never had closure, I think it's time to get that.  Even if it's in the form of a written letter you never send.

    If you have thought on acting on those feelings, I think it is time to re-examine the current relationship.

    I pretty much agree with what Mel has said here.

    Personally, I do not have feelings for any one of my ex's. I don't even keep in touch with any of them.

    I think you can certainly be attracted to other people (other than your spouse), but I think if it goes further than that (like having romantic feelings), there might be a problem.

    Like Mel said, I think the best way to resolve feelings for someone else besides your spouse is to first be honest with yourself and explore why you have those feelings. Is your spouse lacking something that this other person has or is it a matter of "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome?

  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? 

    Absolutely not.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

    Not really.  I think to be happy and healthy you have to be totally invested, and if part of you isn't healed from a former breakup or has feelings for an ex, you can't give the new person the attention and dedication they deserve.

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  • image maryandkirk0909:

    Not really.  I think to be happy and healthy you have to be totally invested, and if part of you isn't healed from a former breakup or has feelings for an ex, you can't give the new person the attention and dedication they deserve.

    i agree completely. being in a relationship with DH i wanted to be fully invested and maintaining contact with my ex was keeping me from doing that. until i met DH though, i didnt feel like i could take on the burden of guilt on my own or met anyone who was worth going through it for.

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  •  Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? 

    Nope - and by no feelings, i mean no feelings not even anger or hatred.  i read somewhere that "the opposite of love isn't hate. it's apathy.  not giving a damn."

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

    I don't think you can ever move on into a successful health relationship if you're harboring feelings for an ex.  It isn't fair to the person you're in a relationship with if you're not there 100 percent.  It just sounds dishonest to me.

    However - Jill is right.  If you have kids with someone, you always have to have some feeling of love b/c of your child.  but i don't think they can be romantic feelings. 

    If Yes, how do you resolve those feelings so they don't conflict with your feelings for your H?
    N/A... getting over someone can be hard, but if you hadn't done it by the time you've gotten into a relationship with someone new - let alone a marriage - it can't be healthy. 

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  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? Not for any of my ex's at all. But for new people, yes.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?I dont believe that people are really only attracted to one person for the rest of their life. We are all human and attraction will happen throughout life. It is choosing whether or not to act on those feelings that makes a difference.

     If Yes, how do you resolve those feelings so they don't conflict with your feelings for your H? Well, in the case of new feelings I dont act on them. I wouldn't cheat.

  • No feelings for any ex's.  They are all pretty much married and I'm happy for them.

    I think in the example Jill cited with the child that there will always be a little something there but I think that harboring feelings isn't good and doens't allow you to move on. (I agree with Tela)  I don't keep up with my ex's (I know about the ones who have gotten married through 3rd parties) but I do wish them nothing but the best.   

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  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? NOPE. They were all losers and were terrible to me. Seriously, every guy I ever dated before CB did something awful.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship? Yes and no. Thinking someone is attractive and enjoying being around them is one thing. You walk a fine line though.

    If Yes, how do you resolve those feelings so they don't conflict with your feelings for your H? I don't like anyone but CB. Seriously.


  • image steeser03:
    image maryandkirk0909:

    Not really.  I think to be happy and healthy you have to be totally invested, and if part of you isn't healed from a former breakup or has feelings for an ex, you can't give the new person the attention and dedication they deserve.

    i agree completely. being in a relationship with DH i wanted to be fully invested and maintaining contact with my ex was keeping me from doing that. until i met DH though, i didnt feel like i could take on the burden of guilt on my own or met anyone who was worth going through it for.

    I am very much in agreement with this point.

    I don't keep in contact with any of my ex's, nor do I have any feelings left for them. There is a reason they are ex's.

    Also, I can understand Jill's point about always having love for the father of your child, etc. However, I don't think that's always the case. For example - my sister's ex husband treats their two boys like a huge burden and frequently uses them as a means to hurt my sister or to get her to do what he wants. Most recently, he dropped the boys from his health and dental insurance (something he is court ordered to provide for them) and told my sister that unless she gave him her half of the house they still own together (it has been on the market since the divorce (3 years) and they are supposed to split any profit that is made from the sale) that he will not provide these things for the kids. Fortunately, my sister is smart and rather than giving in, she simply call her lawyer to have him deal with it, and added the kids to her insurance until it's resolved. I guess what I'm getting at is when you have an ex that's manipulative and uses your children as a ploy to hurt you, having any sort of sentimental love for them goes out the window.
  • image tarmar81:
    It's probably a matter of both love and rationality.  First, most likely (and hopefully), you love your H more than the other person and are much more bonded to him than your ex.  Second, if you and your ex weren't compatible together (even if you were in love), then the rational side of you should realize that things are much better and healthier with your H.  If they aren't, then marriage counseling may be in your future and you probably weren't ready to get married.

    This. I read this response and thought "what a smart cookie!"

  • image arbolita:

    Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's?  Sure, like "I'd feel bad if they got hit by busses" feelings. Not of the romantical "what if" variety.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship? Depends on the level of those feelings. If you're pining away over a past love or contstantly comparing to your H, then no.

  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's?  I only had 1 bf before H. The only feelings I have toward him are utter disgust & hatred.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

    I think it's possible under certain circumstances (like if a baby is involved)

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  • Before I read everyone's posts, I defined "feelings" as the same feelings you had for the ex when you were together- love, lust, infatuation, not as meaning friendship or anything else that makes you keep in touch with an ex. But after I read everyone's response, I think you all mean "feelings" more broadly. If I had a child with an ex, I wouldn't have "feelings" for him, but I would consider him a friend or possibly like a family member.

    I don't have feelings for any of my exes. The closest thing I have is curiosity about the one that essentially fell off the face of the earth, I just wonder how he is. I'm FB friends with the other two, but I really can't stand one of them, so I'd never want it to be more than that.

    For my definition of feelings, I think it's a bad idea to have feelings for more than one person, it'd too easy to hurt someone. However, being friends and caring about an ex is completely different, and a good thing.

    I can see that being friends with or having an ex that's essentially family could be difficult, but if I were in that situation, I think my husband would be fine, because the ex would be just like another sibling or something. However, neither of us has any sort of relationship (beyond occasional FB wall posts) with our exes, so I haven't had to deal with this issue at all.

  • I have no contact with any of my exes. I used to be facebook friends with one up until a few months ago but he got to be so douchey I couldnt handle seeing his updates or photos so I just deleted him. He was incredibly immature. And, to be honest, he cheated on his wife (who he got together with after we split) so I couldnt stand him even more. He was one of those once a cheater, always a cheater kinda guys.

     I agree with whomever said you can have different feelings over the course of your lifetime for other men/women. The line is acting on them. And I would never ever cheat. The idea makes me sick to my stomach.

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  • Do you still have feelings for any of your ex's? 

    Yes but more along the lines of still feeling attracted but zero interest in going back with him or even talking with him ever again.

    If not, do you think it's possible for someone to have feelings for more than one person, and still be in a happy and healthy relationship?

    Yes as long as the feelings aren't acted upon.

    If Yes, how do you resolve those feelings so they don't conflict with your feelings for your H?

    I know the relationship was in the past and I have no emotional attachment anymore. The only person I love is H so I have no interest in thinking 'what could have been'

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