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What should my husband and I do?

Where to start...

My MIL has had her issues.  She has been divorced twice and has had failed relationships.  She has tried to clean out both of those husband's bank accounts, as well as getting credit cards in my BIL's name and racking up 17k in debt (while he was a High School senior).  She just seems "shady" to me.

She lost her job earlier this year and moved back in with her father out of state and now only works part time at a retail store.  She left everything; her apartment, her car, her furniture and other personal belongings (which are now being housed in my spare bedroom).  He is just trying to help her get back on her feet but I'm not sure if that's what she has in mind.

   My husband feels that she is not really wanting get back on her feet, but just live off her dad and (in his words) "waiting for him to die" so she can live in his house and drive his car for the rest of her life.  While we were visiting for the holidays we did notice something.  She had her hair and nails done (which is not cheap to maintain) and also she was using Grandpa's debit card and she knew the PIN number.

 Should my husband and I be alarmed?  I feel that if she has taken money from her former husbands and son that she wouldn't think twice about doing it to her own ailing father.  We have discussed possibly intervening and becomming Power of Attorney for his grandfather.  Has anyone had a similar situation?  Please help

Re: What should my husband and I do?

  • Intervene and do it now. Her history proves that she cannot be trusted. Good luck! 
  • I would definitely intervene if your H's grandfather will allow it. She is bad news.
  • I work at a law firm and I would suggest calling a local firm and setting up a consultation with an attorney.

    You are right - she sounds shady and I agree that she is not one to be trusted.

    Good luck!

  • image AF_EOD_wife:
    Intervene and do it now. Her history proves that she cannot be trusted. Good luck! 
    Yes
  • How old is grandpa? 

    If he's old enough to be taken advantage of by his daughter, then I would lean more strongly toward intervening.

    If he's not that old, then I would call him and see what he thinks before just moving in on him and trying to take control.

  • Is the grandfather able to think/act for himself?  My H and I had to step in when my in laws were taking advantage of H's grandmother and we ended up having to get a POA and guardianship of her.

    If you do this be prepared for it to get ugly - because you never see the real side of a person until you stop their gravy train. 

    Good luck 

     

  • I believe he is 85.  The thing also my MIL is an only child, her mother is deceased and he is also an only child, so really the only family he has is my husband and BIL.
  • Okay -- an 85 year old person may be vulnerable to a relative who tries to take advantage of him.  However, you want to tread lightly.  Talk to him first, if you haven't already done so.  If he doesn't feel like there's a problem, you might have to do some convincing in order to help him see the need to protect himself.  He may feel that it's wrong not to help his daughter and even wrong to protect himself.

  • Shady??

    What she did was CRIMINAL! Getting a credit card in somebody else's name and using is is fraud. And ILLEGAL.

    Ditto for using your grandfather's card.

    I'd make it a must to get a police investigation open on this -- and I don't know what kind of mental state your g-pa is but if he's at that age where he's forgetful or has a great deal more memory problems than just old age memory loss, I'd see an attorney about this. Somebody needs to have power of attorney and it sure as hell should NOT be her.

    I guarantee you she has an addiction of some type -- gambling, drugs or alcohol or something. And that's probably where all the money's gone.

  • I know; when my husband told me that story I asked him how she was not in jail and how he wasn't given CPS??? 

    IMO I think G-pa is pretty sharp, his health is failing but his mind is still there.  I think he is just lonely and wants someone to take care of him since his wife passed away.

    As for an addiction issue.  She's addicted to herself and shopping. 

  • image sarsa85e:

    I know; when my husband told me that story I asked him how she was not in jail and how he wasn't given CPS??? 

    IMO I think G-pa is pretty sharp, his health is failing but his mind is still there.  I think he is just lonely and wants someone to take care of him since his wife passed away.

    As for an addiction issue.  She's addicted to herself and shopping. 

    She wasn't in jail and no CPS probably because nobody reported her -- looks like the family enabled her all along.

    She has to have some kind of bona fide addiction: a normal person doesn't spend away a pretty good chunk of cash, nor does a normal person ruin a son's credit -- she flat out could have ruined her son's future (and possibly credit; I don't know how that works if the person is not of majority).

    This is also elder abuse. I'd see about going to an attorney if I were you; she's not to be trusted. GL.

  • I'd have a chat with your local APS (Adult Protective Services). At 85 he is at risk of financial abuse at best. They can give you tips on what you can do to intervene even if you do not wish to get law/state agency involved at this point. Unfortunately she has proven to have predator behavior. Dad is an easier mark than her boyfriends/ex's.

    Please move fast to limit what she can do to his retirement funds!

    YES, be very alarmed!! 

  • Of course you should be alarmed.  If she is wiping out his savings its called elder abuse.  Call elder abuse services in his county of residence and make a report. 

    On the other hand, you may have better outcomes for your grandFIL, MIL and yourselves if you just have an honest and open conversation about expenses, finances and expectations.

    At 85, it may benefit GFIL to have a live-in daughter.  He may need medications monitored, socialization and/or simple things like meals.  Very quickly, it may not be a free ride. Is your MIL prepared to take that on?  What support would she need to make it work?  Does your GFIL have enough in savings to continue supporting himself?  How long?  That can be part of your conversation.

    Finances may dictate that MIL contribute.  How much?  Is MIL spending his savings?  Who can check?  Should someone?  Then who?

    What about her "personal items" at your place?  Why not ask to sort that out?  Why the shyness?  Is she paying her bills/loans on the aprtment and car? Is she ignoring these? Why not sell them and recoup the cash? 

    You're involved.  Your stuff is parked in your place.  Your DH's grandfather is elderly and may need an advocate.  Feel free to close your eyes and hope it blows over ... but don't be surprised if it doesn't.  You saw this coming.  Start asking questions. Kindly, respectfully and repeatedly.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image livinitup:

    Of course you should be alarmed.  If she is wiping out his savings its called elder abuse.  Call elder abuse services in his county of residence and make a report. 

    On the other hand, you may have better outcomes for your grandFIL, MIL and yourselves if you just have an honest and open conversation about expenses, finances and expectations.

    At 85, it may benefit GFIL to have a live-in daughter.  He may need medications monitored, socialization and/or simple things like meals.  Very quickly, it may not be a free ride. Is your MIL prepared to take that on?  What support would she need to make it work?  Does your GFIL have enough in savings to continue supporting himself?  How long?  That can be part of your conversation.

    Finances may dictate that MIL contribute.  How much?  Is MIL spending his savings?  Who can check?  Should someone?  Then who?

    What about her "personal items" at your place?  Why not ask to sort that out?  Why the shyness?  Is she paying her bills/loans on the aprtment and car? Is she ignoring these? Why not sell them and recoup the cash? 

    You're involved.  Your stuff is parked in your place.  Your DH's grandfather is elderly and may need an advocate.  Feel free to close your eyes and hope it blows over ... but don't be surprised if it doesn't.  You saw this coming.  Start asking questions. Kindly, respectfully and repeatedly.

    This exactly -- how do you know she's not robbing him blind?

    Have this checked out immediately. Like I said, retain an attorney and see what's what -- if you know who g-pa's attorney is all the better: speak to that person immediately.

    Mother of pearl only knows what kind of criminal activity she may be up to. GL.

  • intervene ASAP!
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