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New Years Vent!

Luckily DH and I have very similar views on the holidays.  Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are strictly for families and New Years is kind of a time for us to get together with friends. 

For a little background, FIL is divorced and retired at 49.  He has lost contact with or pissed off his old friends so the most contact he has with people is with DH and I and Dh's bro and his fiancee. DH's bro and fiancee do not have many friends because they both work a lot.  So again they mostly hang out with DH and I.

Anyways....I guess a week or so ago FIL casually mentioned to DH that BIL wants us all to do something for New Years.  DH said we were so busy with Christmas that he didn't even want to make plans for New Years yet.  So he forgot about it and never said anything to me.  And since then hadn't heard anything more about it.  So the other day while at FILs for a post Xmas party I got a call from a friend asking if we wanted to come down for a small party that she wants to have if her fiancee is not working.  I told her I would run it by DH but that I thought it would be ok. 

I mentioned to DH that evening that we had an invite for New Years that sounded good.  (Admittedly I said this purposefully in front of FIL so he heard that we were taken already on New Years) and he immediately said "Well talk to BIL on Tuesday so we can finalize our plans for New Years"  This has had both DH and me looking at him like, "Whaaaat??"  DH didn't want to start something so he just said we'll see. FIL brought this up again as we were leaving and Dh said we'll have to just see what is going on.  I know that their plans include coming over to our place  and ordering pizza and watching tv until midnight...I have no intention of hosting people on New Years.  I hosted a Christmas Party and Christmas Day breakfast...I feel I have reached my host quota...

I really don't want to spend New Years with them.  We just spent 3 full days with them!  I think the best thing is for DH to explain that we made plans with a friend already and to leave it at that....  We are just concerned that this will cause a rift in the family but I think we should be allowed to make plans with people other than family for some holidays...  DH never made definite plans with them but I don't think that is how they see it.  *sigh*  I guess we will just have to brace ourselves.  Is just saying we already have plans the best response we can give them?  I know this might not seem like a huge issue but it is really irritating to me so I hope I don't come off sounding too childish or whatever.  Anyways...I just needed to vent so thanks for reading!

image 

 I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. Kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day AND I believe in miracles. -Audrey Hepburn

Re: New Years Vent!

  • It was pretty rude of you to mention a party in front of someone that a) you know is looking for something to do that day and b) is apparently not welcome.  You should have mentioned the party to your husband when you were alone, and if you decided to go to it, you could then say to your FIL, "sorry, we have plans."  the FIL may be a pill, but you aren't making yourself look good here. 

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • Your DH just needs to say "Dad- I think there was a misunderstanding.  When you asked about NY, I had told you I wasn't making plans yet, but it seems like you've moved forward as if we committed to you all.  We didn't, though.  Quite honestly, as we spend the other holidays w/ family, Erin and I leave NYE open for our friends.  And plans did come up, which we're doing.  I'm really sorry for the misunderstanding, but we aren't going to be able to have you all over.".

    ETA: I do agree it was rude to mention the party in front of him.  Even though you didn't know about his initial inquiry, you obviously knew this might be an issue.  You and DH should have gotten your plans sorted out, gotten on the same page, THEN said "sorry, we have plans" when asked.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • If you have agreed in the past that NYE is to be reserved for hanging out with friends, for the life of me I can't figure out why the first time FIL mentioned the family party your DH didn't say "Sorry, we have plans with our friends that night" - even if you didn't have set plans at that time, it seems pretty clear that you expected to.

    I also agree it was rude to bring up the party in front of your FIL.

    Overall, this entire mess could have been entirely avoided if it had been handled correctly from the beginning.

  • Why can't FIL just go over to his other son's place, order a pizza and watch TV there until midnight?  Why do you have to be involved?

    And no, you really need to make it clear that FIL can't invite himself to your home to be hosted by you. And he can get as pissed as he wants about it, but it's true.

    And I have had experience with the "lets make plans" dad.  My dad loves to call-up 6 months in advance and lock me in becuase 'I don't have plans yet'. I finally put my foot down and said "Dad, I know you want to see us for 4th of July, Memorial Day, etc.  But it is 6 months away.  And while we don't have plans, I would like to keep some time free because I'd like to see other people, too".

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • The problem isn't with the ILs, it's that you and DH keep skirting the issue. You've had two opportunities to say no, and yet you haven't.

    Rather than being all stealth hoping FIL would get the hint about the other party, you should have just told him you had plans.

    Of course you're not obligated to spend NYE with his family, but you are obligated to at least give an answer. Clearly ignoring the question isn't working.

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  • imagesusiederkins:

    The problem isn't with the ILs, it's that you and DH keep skirting the issue. You've had two opportunities to say no, and yet you haven't.

    Rather than being all stealth hoping FIL would get the hint about the other party, you should have just told him you had plans.

    Of course you're not obligated to spend NYE with his family, but you are obligated to at least give an answer. Clearly ignoring the question isn't working.

    This exactly. For God's sake, stop saying "we'll see" and just tell them you already have plans! It's going to be way awkward now because you've strung them along for so long.

  • I think this is a case where an ounce of prevention (clarity, in this case) is worth a pound of cure.  If you and your DH typically see NYE as a friends thing, then when your FIL mentioned it, your H should have said, "No thanks, Dad- we usually spend NYE out partying with friends of ours."  It sounds like both of you knew that you didn't want to spend NYE with family and both of you knew that he would want to spend it with you- and that being the case, your H should have been clear from the get-go that the answer was no thanks.  Saying "We're not ready to make plans yet" and "We'll see" and "Hey, we just got a great invite from Sally to her NYE party, we should go, DH!" really makes it sound like you all kind of considered him a back up plan- the string of events makes it look like you were putting him on hold in case something more fun didn't come along.  

    I think you should expect your FIL to be annoyed with you all for leading him on about spending NYE together, and for talking about someone else's invitation in front of him as your way to say you weren't spending NYE with him.  That's fair for him to be annoyed about.  I also think the issues you brought up are ones you can bring up more directly in the future- if FIL is inviting himself over to your place and eating pizza and watching TV and you don't feel like hosting, SAY "Well, we just hosted the Christmas Party and breakfast, so I'm not up to hosting again.  Let's think of another plan." If FIL wants to get together and you both know you're not interested, say "No thank you." You aren't gaining anything by avoiding the conversation and putting him off with hints and "we'll see"s.  

  • Yes, it could have been handled better.  No, I shouldn't have said what I did. and Yes, I realized this after the fact.  I think thats almost why I'm most irritated is that we had the opportunity to head this off and we didn't.  Since I hadn't heard anything I really thought they hadn't thought about New Years at all...  So everything you mentioned is correct...it was a situation handled poorly but it can't be taken back now.
    image 

     I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. Kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day AND I believe in miracles. -Audrey Hepburn
  • I wouldn't worry about there being any rift in the family if you just say 'I think there's been a misunderstanding. We're not available on NYE.' You do not have to explain any further than that. Not to sound mean, but if FIL, BIL & his Fi both only have you and DH to hang out with - THEY can't afford to shove a rift into the family unless they want to sit home alone. They may be irritated in the short term, but you'll have made your point and the rift will not be longstanding.
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