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not looking foward to any of it....

So.....my grandfather who I was EXTREMELY close to died on Friday from COPD and pneumonia...he could not breathe.  Saturday was the visitation, Sunday was the memorial service, and Monday we buried his ashes 4 hours away next to his parents.  My husband has been great through all of it.....

I'm devastated and in denial and very angry and sad all at the same time.

 My DH and I had made plans awhile ago to go to Nags Head to be with his dad and step mom and 26..yes 26 other people for thanksgiving.  Am I completely insane for being totally NOT up for it.  I want to curl up in a ball for the next 4 days, not be with in laws and their spawns...eating bad food and drinking too much.  My DH and I have talked about it and he's hell bent on convincing me to go....that my grandfather would want me to carry on and that it would be a nice vacation for me.  The whole thing makes me reach for the xanax.

 any support, advice, anything.....

 this just sucks!

BabyFruit Ticker
-LMCW- 'We accept the love we think we deserve"

Re: not looking foward to any of it....

  • You have an acceptable excuse to not attend Thanksgiving.  Your DH needs to get over it.  He may go himself, but you get to stay home and have a seriously mopey couple of days.
  • Do you get the sense that DH genuinely believes that this gathering will be good to keep your spirits up?

    Or does it feel like maybe he really wants to go and so is trying to convince you to go so he doesn't feel bad leaving you, or so that he doesn't have to worry about you going into a decline whilst he's gone?

    Because I don't think there's anything wrong with you bowing out on this one and depending on how you answer my question will dictate how I suggest you approach DH over it.

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • Your DH is being unreasonable. You have every right to beg out of Thanksgiving this year. If he wants to go, he can go himself.
  • I think he genuinely believes that it will make me feel better...but I do think he really wants us both to go to have a good time and relax at a fabulous beach house.  I could be going to the Bahamas tomorrow and I do not care.  I'm so sad right now.  I just want to go home to be with my family.  I will not care if he goes to the beach, I want him to go...he would love it and I want him to continue to reconnect with his dad's side of the family (super long story).  I am just SOOOO drained. 

    I feel like it's expected that we do all this family and holiday and grieveing mess together and we dont have to...I never saw a rule book.  I am perfectly fine with being apart from him and staying at the house I grew up in and being with my family....or curled up in a ball in my childhood bed. 

    I just dont have the energy to battle it...so I guess that's why I agreed that I would go with him tomorrow morning, but the reality is starting to set in.

    BabyFruit Ticker
    -LMCW- 'We accept the love we think we deserve"
  • image lamcox:

    I feel like it's expected that we do all this family and holiday and grieveing mess together and we dont have to...I never saw a rule book.  I am perfectly fine with being apart from him and staying at the house I grew up in and being with my family....or curled up in a ball in my childhood bed. 

    Grieving is such a personal process and no one (including your DH) has the right to try to get you to do something you don't want to during this time. You will only end up resenting him if you go just to appease him.

  • so true.

    Do I drop the bomb that I'm not going now or tomorrow morning?

    BabyFruit Ticker
    -LMCW- 'We accept the love we think we deserve"
  • image lamcox:

    I think he genuinely believes that it will make me feel better...but I do think he really wants us both to go to have a good time and relax at a fabulous beach house.  I could be going to the Bahamas tomorrow and I do not care.  I'm so sad right now.  I just want to go home to be with my family.  I will not care if he goes to the beach, I want him to go...he would love it and I want him to continue to reconnect with his dad's side of the family (super long story).  I am just SOOOO drained. 

    I feel like it's expected that we do all this family and holiday and grieveing mess together and we dont have to...I never saw a rule book.  I am perfectly fine with being apart from him and staying at the house I grew up in and being with my family....or curled up in a ball in my childhood bed. 

    I just dont have the energy to battle it...so I guess that's why I agreed that I would go with him tomorrow morning, but the reality is starting to set in.

    Have you said all this to him. That you want him to have a great time. That you want space to move through the grief, not be around people and that you're truly and genuinely ok with being apart. 

    I know my DH sometimes gets into a, "this will be good for you" campaign and stops listening to what I'm telling him about what I want/need.

    Sometimes our perception of the "right" thing to do in a situation or our ideas about what would work for us, can cloud our judgement on how best to help someone. So maybe DH just needs reminding of how best to help you.

    Maybe write it down, or show him this link.

    I'm really sorry for your loss and I hope you're able to create the space so that you can grieve in the best way for you. 

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • I would tell him now -  be gentle but firm.
  • If you think that it'll keep you up late wrangling over it, tell him in the morning that you slept on it and you just are not up for going, but you hope he has a great time.
    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • image scherza:
    If you think that it'll keep you up late wrangling over it, tell him in the morning that you slept on it and you just are not up for going, but you hope he has a great time.

    Although this is a great point. However I would really hope that your DH wouldn't keep you up all night fighting about this.

  • just told him. he's sulking in bed watching family guy. i feel so much better. my only fear is that i lose the strength and end up going to just b/c i feel like i should...to be the good wife and daughter - in - law and sh*t like that. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
    -LMCW- 'We accept the love we think we deserve"
  • It's okay to not do what others expect you to do sometimes. You have to take care of yourself. I know what it's like to grieve the loss of someone very close to you, and you really do need to prioritize your own feelings right now or else it's going to make the grieving process that much harder. And really, your DH should want you to do what you are most comfortable with right now - he really needs to get over himself.
  • And if your DH tries to guilt you into going tomorrow, you simply need to say "DH, I am going to ask nicely that you respect my decision. I am going through a very tough time right now and the last thing I need to deal with on top of everything else is getting a guilt trip from you. I know you want what is best for me, and right now what is best for me is to stay home. Please go have a good time and let everyone know I say hi."
  • I just have to say I don't think your husband grasps the concept of what a 'nice vacation' is.
  • Your DH will miss you - and that's why he's probably upset and emo right now, I hate going to family events without my spouse - but I bet your ILs will understand why you're not there.  And even if your DH doesn't like it, he should understand too.  Besides, it's not like he's going to be miserable IN THE BAHAMAS.

    The only way I might be able to understand if he was mad is over money issues - have any non-refundable tickets been put in your name?

  • I'm torn on this.  If I was a grandmother and I passed away, I sure as heck wouldn't want my granddaughter to miss out on a trip to the Bahamas!  Are you sure you really want to be sitting around your parents house?  I know it sounds good for maybe another day or so, but after that you will probably start to get bored and want to escape the sorrow and the grief.  You do need to grieve, but you can't allow it to consume you and distraction will help.

    I'm concern about the trip, because I do think it will be overwhelming to be staying with almost 30 other people and never have any alone time when you need it.  I really think you should go.  However, I do think you and your DH should cut back on some of the family time and make sure that you have time for the two of you to go to the beach or go to dinner by yourselves.  Is there any way you could get a hotel room for just the two of you?

    I think going to the bahamas will help remove you from reality and help you deal with the grief while also giving you a distraction to help you move on.

    I say this because I lost a family member a couple years ago.  I had the option to go do some fun things with DH (at the time BF), but I choose to stay with my family and grieve.  After a while, I was about to explode.  You can only take so much remembrance and sadness.  It really brings you down.  Why not go on with life and celebrate the life that they did give you.

    My Grandparents on their wedding day.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    bio
    Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
  • I'm on your DH's side for this one.  It's terrible that your grandfather died, and I'm sure you're going through a lot of pain...but it doesn't mean that you should cut yourself off from doing things that have been planned with your husband and his family. Being around people might be good for you, just getting back into things might be good for you. Surely staying home and moping is not going to make you feel any better about your loss.
  • image Sabrina121:
    I'm on your DH's side for this one.  It's terrible that your grandfather died, and I'm sure you're going through a lot of pain...but it doesn't mean that you should cut yourself off from doing things that have been planned with your husband and his family. Being around people might be good for you, just getting back into things might be good for you. Surely staying home and moping is not going to make you feel any better about your loss.

    I disagree completely.  I think that when you've been dealt a blow, as the OP has, you need to take the time to heal and grieve and work through it on your own terms.  His family should understand that and shouldn't lord a past obligation over her head.

    The fact ther her DH is sulking to me says that he's more concerned about not getting his way than he is about her emotional well-being. 

    And, really "staying home and moping"?  That's really insensitive.  When you lose someone that you love and are close to, you need to grieve that loss.  You can't just decide to not be upset. 

  • image kimnelson09:

    image Sabrina121:
    I'm on your DH's side for this one.  It's terrible that your grandfather died, and I'm sure you're going through a lot of pain...but it doesn't mean that you should cut yourself off from doing things that have been planned with your husband and his family. Being around people might be good for you, just getting back into things might be good for you. Surely staying home and moping is not going to make you feel any better about your loss.

    I disagree completely.  I think that when you've been dealt a blow, as the OP has, you need to take the time to heal and grieve and work through it on your own terms.  His family should understand that and shouldn't lord a past obligation over her head.

    The fact ther her DH is sulking to me says that he's more concerned about not getting his way than he is about her emotional well-being. 

    And, really "staying home and moping"?  That's really insensitive.  When you lose someone that you love and are close to, you need to grieve that loss.  You can't just decide to not be upset. 

    You're right I shouldn't have said "staying home and moping" I didn't really mean it to come out so harshly, I see how aweful that sounds, sorry about that.

    I do think that everyone grieves differently and I think the husband has the best intentions, I see things more from that side because I guess that's teh type of griever I am.  When someone close to me has passed away I'm heart broken but the only way I can get over my grieving is to get out their with other people, join in festivities, just be around people, even if I'm sad it's usually the best thing for me...being bymyself brings more attention to how miserable I am with the situation and sometimes when you're so focused on the terrible thing that's happened you forget about all the people around you that love you. It's maybe not for everyone, but it's the way I see things, maybe the husbands intentions are for the best..

  • image Sabrina121:
    image kimnelson09:

    image Sabrina121:
    I'm on your DH's side for this one.  It's terrible that your grandfather died, and I'm sure you're going through a lot of pain...but it doesn't mean that you should cut yourself off from doing things that have been planned with your husband and his family. Being around people might be good for you, just getting back into things might be good for you. Surely staying home and moping is not going to make you feel any better about your loss.

    I disagree completely.  I think that when you've been dealt a blow, as the OP has, you need to take the time to heal and grieve and work through it on your own terms.  His family should understand that and shouldn't lord a past obligation over her head.

    The fact ther her DH is sulking to me says that he's more concerned about not getting his way than he is about her emotional well-being. 

    And, really "staying home and moping"?  That's really insensitive.  When you lose someone that you love and are close to, you need to grieve that loss.  You can't just decide to not be upset. 

    You're right I shouldn't have said "staying home and moping" I didn't really mean it to come out so harshly, I see how aweful that sounds, sorry about that.

    I do think that everyone grieves differently and I think the husband has the best intentions, I see things more from that side because I guess that's teh type of griever I am.  When someone close to me has passed away I'm heart broken but the only way I can get over my grieving is to get out their with other people, join in festivities, just be around people, even if I'm sad it's usually the best thing for me...being bymyself brings more attention to how miserable I am with the situation and sometimes when you're so focused on the terrible thing that's happened you forget about all the people around you that love you. It's maybe not for everyone, but it's the way I see things, maybe the husbands intentions are for the best..

     

    The thing is she JUST lost her grandfather.  This wasn't last year or six months ago, this was less then a week ago.  I think expecting her to join a happy celebration so close to the loss is unrealistic. 

     

  • The thing is she JUST lost her grandfather.  This wasn't last year or six months ago, this was less then a week ago.  I think expecting her to join a happy celebration so close to the loss is unrealistic. 

    Yes I realize this, and my reasoning stays the same.  I know grieving is natural and you need to give yourself time, but if it was me I wouldn't want to be home by myself in a time when I feel miserable,I just don't see anything positive coming from staying home.  You'll feel sad, you'll feel alone, you'll miss your grandfather....wouldn't it be more positive to be around people?

  • image Sabrina121:

    The thing is she JUST lost her grandfather.  This wasn't last year or six months ago, this was less then a week ago.  I think expecting her to join a happy celebration so close to the loss is unrealistic. 

    Yes I realize this, and my reasoning stays the same.  I know grieving is natural and you need to give yourself time, but if it was me I wouldn't want to be home by myself in a time when I feel miserable,I just don't see anything positive coming from staying home.  You'll feel sad, you'll feel alone, you'll miss your grandfather....wouldn't it be more positive to be around people?

    That's not grieving.  That's avoiding. 

  • image kimnelson09:
    image Sabrina121:

    The thing is she JUST lost her grandfather.  This wasn't last year or six months ago, this was less then a week ago.  I think expecting her to join a happy celebration so close to the loss is unrealistic. 

    Yes I realize this, and my reasoning stays the same.  I know grieving is natural and you need to give yourself time, but if it was me I wouldn't want to be home by myself in a time when I feel miserable,I just don't see anything positive coming from staying home.  You'll feel sad, you'll feel alone, you'll miss your grandfather....wouldn't it be more positive to be around people?

    That's not grieving.  That's avoiding. 

    I think it's a personal thing...I don't see how it's avoiding anything though, crying is definitely good..... I personally would want to be around people as soon as I was done so that I can feel a lot of love around me.. 

  • image Sabrina121:

    The thing is she JUST lost her grandfather.  This wasn't last year or six months ago, this was less then a week ago.  I think expecting her to join a happy celebration so close to the loss is unrealistic. 

    Yes I realize this, and my reasoning stays the same.  I know grieving is natural and you need to give yourself time, but if it was me I wouldn't want to be home by myself in a time when I feel miserable,I just don't see anything positive coming from staying home.  You'll feel sad, you'll feel alone, you'll miss your grandfather....wouldn't it be more positive to be around people?

    That's how YOU choose to handle your grief. That does not mean it's the best or right way to handle grief. Everyone has the right to grieve in their own way without being made to feel bad about it.

  • image Sabrina121:
    image kimnelson09:
    image Sabrina121:

    The thing is she JUST lost her grandfather.  This wasn't last year or six months ago, this was less then a week ago.  I think expecting her to join a happy celebration so close to the loss is unrealistic. 

    Yes I realize this, and my reasoning stays the same.  I know grieving is natural and you need to give yourself time, but if it was me I wouldn't want to be home by myself in a time when I feel miserable,I just don't see anything positive coming from staying home.  You'll feel sad, you'll feel alone, you'll miss your grandfather....wouldn't it be more positive to be around people?

    That's not grieving.  That's avoiding. 

    I think it's a personal thing...I don't see how it's avoiding anything though, crying is definitely good..... I personally would want to be around people as soon as I was done so that I can feel a lot of love around me.. 

    This was my point about people pushing their advice based on what is right for them.

    OP if your DH is pushing you to go because he doesn't want to go by himself and wants you with him, then he's being a brat.

    If he's pushing you to go because he really thinks being with people is the best way to work through grief, then he's just misguided.

    Stand your ground on what is right for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and right now you need to look after yourself. 

    [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/213pzit.jpg[/IMG]
    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the support and advice through all of this.  This was my first time posting my own issue and the response was incredible.  My DH is amazing and truly wanted the best for me.  His family was extremely understanding, they have had their fair share of losses too.  I hope all of you had an amazing thanksgiving...and feel so blessed by all you have.

    BabyFruit Ticker
    -LMCW- 'We accept the love we think we deserve"
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