June 2008 Weddings
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Let's Talk about Sex Drives

Spin off of confessions below.

I hate my sex drive mostly because it totally revolves around my stress level and sleep schedule.  Yes I enjoy sex, but sometimes when I'm working 80 hours a week, I enjoy sleep so much more.

That being said, I'm also on SSRI's for a history of eating disorder and I wouldn't be surprised if some depression as well.  I've tried weaning myself off by tapering the dose and all, but I become an irritable b!tch who eats compulsively and is not pleasant to be around.  Yeah, um, I don't want that.  I have been on SSRI's for most of my relationship with DH, so I really don't know how big of a difference being off would have, but I really would like to know.  Perhaps after match day when we know where we'll be for the next three years I'll be less stressed and I can try tapering off again.

I'm also on birth control and have also been on that for as long as DH and I have been dating, so I wonder about that too.  I've talked to my GYN about it and she suggested a pill with a little more testosterone, so I was on Junel for a while, didn't feel any different, now I'm on the ring since its more convenient for me.

On with the novel, I do notice when I work out and feel better about my body I feel better in the bedroom, so I like to keep that up to help my sex drive.

So, others with lower sex drives, or really any thoughts, ramble away.

ETA: SSRI's are serotonin selective reuptake inhibitior's...aka prozac, zoloft, etc.

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Re: Let's Talk about Sex Drives

  • DH and I have reversed sex drives.  Mine is through the roof and his just gets out of the basement (I am the man and he is the woman with our level of desire).  I am the one always making the sexual jokes/comments/suggestions.  We laugh it off, but to some degree it bothers both of us.  He is always turning me down and then I get frustrated or wonder if it's me and am I not doing it for him.  He always worries that he doesn't satisfy me and that I alway want it because I am not staying satisfied.  We both know I just have a stronger drive than he does, but it's still very frustrating. 

    I am hoping that we can both loose some weight and start feeling better about ourselves.  DH is very overweight, so I always think if he wasn't so overweight he might feel better about himself and just feel better physically... I am trying to get us both to commit to running in November.  I think if we can agree to do it one month and we see the benefits, we'll stick with it.  We'll see how it goes on Sunday.  

    Meanwhile, we'll continue to try and meet in the middle with our very different sex drives.  

    ETA: Can I just say I am so happy I still remember what SSRI stands for and how it works....I do remember something from graduate school and my pscyho-pharmacology class! 

    Brooke & Codey 06.07.08


    Our first little boy due May 14

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  • I had one for a loooong time (when we weren't having sex) and with the fire and everything after the wedding, I ended up on anti-depressants and a new birth control.  THus, I have not had one since.  It's terrible.  I feel like the worst wife because we had this impression before we got married that I would be a little wilder in bed, and I definitely thought I would be A TON hornier.

    My doctor wants to phase me off of the anti-depressants after the holidays which should help (PLEASE GOD LET IT HELP).

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  • I had more of one when we first got together, but for the past 3 years I've had kidney stones at least once every 2 months. Between those and my period (and the feeling like crap a week before my period), my drive had gone down.

    I'm also not on BC, and I don't want to get PG. So that's always in the back of my mind.

    I think once we're TTC I will be into it more.

  • I remember when we first started having sex that we couldn't get enough of each other.  I miss those kids.  Lately I've had school during the day and work in the evenings.  When I get home, not only am I exhausted, but DH is already in bed.  At this point I don't care if we have sex, I just want to spend some quality time with my husband!
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  • Loveofjoe - this says it best...

     I hate my sex drive mostly because it totally revolves around my stress level and sleep schedule.  Yes I enjoy sex, but sometimes when I'm working 80 hours a week, I enjoy sleep so much more 

     

    That's exactly my DH and since you're both Doctors, makes sense.  

    I have a stronger drive generally and got sick of getting turned town (feel ya bbetson...) so I just don't really offer anymore.  Most of our sex is planned, which sounds boring, but it helps me to know when I'll get it and it helps him plan and rally if he's tired.  Works for us. 

  • Ditto mah... I can't believe the difference over the years. I work full time teaching HS, go to school for my masters, and am doing an internship, between all that and cooking/ cleaning/ etc... I just want to sleep at night! Besides that, until a few weeks ago, I was always asleep by the time DH got home from work. It's getting better since he has been home more, but we are still no where near what we were before.
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  • Totally agree with you girls.  I guess when you are dating there is the spontaneous element and not knowing when you are gonna see each other again.  Life happens when you get married and there are more responsibilities which lowers the sex drive a bit.  DH has a lot of late night meetings in different communities that he is the planner for so by the time he gets home I'm pretty much ready to get to bed.  I know this sounds bad but we mostly do it on the weekends.  LoveofJoe- I think you make a good point about working out.  I've been lazy lately, but today I'm going to the gym.  I feel the same way when I work out I feel better about my body and feel like doing it more. Let's see what happens tonight :)
  • TTC messes with the drives on both our parts.  I think we both feel the pressure that if we don't do it that day we are missing something but it takes away the fun.  Plus with school getting busier for me sometimes I am not getting home til 6 or 7 and I need some time to just be alone and then we go to bed and sleep.  Working out does help both of us but I haven't made the time.
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  • Mine sucks.  Plain and simple.  I thought it was because of BC, but I have been off of BC for about 3 years and it still sucks.  I totally enjoy it when we do do it..it's just a matter of getting to that point.

    I feel like an awful wife because I certainly don't give it up enough for Dh to be satisfied.  He deals though.  I think at my next OB/GYN appointment I am going to say something.

  • DH's sex drive depends on sleep.  He used to work long hours, and really would just want to go to bed once he got home.

    Mine depends on stress level and mood.  I can be a pretty moody person, so if I'm in 'a mood', its hard for me to snap out of it and get sexy.  Also, when I'm stressed about anything (generally money), I find it hard to get separation and get busy. 

    During normal times, we still only have it once a week.  Its kind of weird, because I wish that he wanted to more - but generally, I'm tired myself.  I guess I just want to feel 'wanted' more often. 

  • Going off of your SSRI's should definitely help. When I was on them it made me more tired and they can decrease your drive as a side effect so hopefully that will help. I've switched around BC and now I'm on a lower dose to help w/ nausea and I've noticed my drive has been pretty bad since then so it sounds like I just need to play around w/ different types until I find something that works b/c I'm not comfortable coming off of them at all.

    My DH has a *very* high drive (I swear it is the exact same as when we were 16), but I can tell that the second I realize DH isn't ready to pounce that I'm much more turned on b/c I actually have to work for it, ya know? I mean it's nice that he's ready for sex anytime or any hour 24/7 but it kind of takes the fun out of it in a way. I think the fun part of the beginning of relationships and being single is the thrill of 'seducing' someone or trying to get them to want you. I know that sounds silly but I do tell DH to dial it back a little bit b/c sometimes the eagerness just has the exact opposite effect. That might sound a little harsh, but any type of advice that might involve more sex is worth it to him hah.

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  • image MrsJaay:

    My DH has a *very* high drive (I swear it is the exact same as when we were 16), but I can tell that the second I realize DH isn't ready to pounce that I'm much more turned on b/c I actually have to work for it, ya know? I mean it's nice that he's ready for sex anytime or any hour 24/7 but it kind of takes the fun out of it in a way. I think the fun part of the beginning of relationships and being single is the thrill of 'seducing' someone or trying to get them to want you. I know that sounds silly but I do tell DH to dial it back a little bit b/c sometimes the eagerness just has the exact opposite effect. That might sound a little harsh, but any type of advice that might involve more sex is worth it to him hah.

    I actually completely understand this, but I am like your husband.  DH always says I never give him the opportunity to come on to me, because I am always coming on to him.  He gets frustrated by it at times. I have to make an effort to occasionally hold back, which can be hard because....I want to have sex. There are times when I feel like if I wait for him to make a move, it won't happen at all.  But the times when I do hold back and he makes the move, I LOVE feeling wanted, so it is worth it, but it's still hard. 

    Brooke & Codey 06.07.08


    Our first little boy due May 14

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  • image bbetson:
    image MrsJaay:

    My DH has a *very* high drive (I swear it is the exact same as when we were 16), but I can tell that the second I realize DH isn't ready to pounce that I'm much more turned on b/c I actually have to work for it, ya know? I mean it's nice that he's ready for sex anytime or any hour 24/7 but it kind of takes the fun out of it in a way. I think the fun part of the beginning of relationships and being single is the thrill of 'seducing' someone or trying to get them to want you. I know that sounds silly but I do tell DH to dial it back a little bit b/c sometimes the eagerness just has the exact opposite effect. That might sound a little harsh, but any type of advice that might involve more sex is worth it to him hah.

    I actually completely understand this, but I am like your husband.  DH always says I never give him the opportunity to come on to me, because I am always coming on to him.  He gets frustrated by it at times. I have to make an effort to occasionally hold back, which can be hard because....I want to have sex. There are times when I feel like if I wait for him to make a move, it won't happen at all.  But the times when I do hold back and he makes the move, I LOVE feeling wanted, so it is worth it, but it's still hard. 

    I'm sure it is frustrating for the one with higher sex drives and I really really wish I did have a higher one! He'll say that sometimes he's afraid that if he waits around that I'll never initiate which I can understand too. I don't want him to always hold back b/c sometimes I just need 'reminding' that I actually enjoy sex once we get going. Stupid BCPs.

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