Trouble in Paradise
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Am I wrong about this?

I just want to say up front that I know I am probably the one with the problem in this. I guess I just need to hear it to re-affirm it. I also just need to vent. Sorry this is so long.

I am almost 30 & DH is 26. We're both professionals and make decent money, but I do make more than him, which is not usually a problem with H. A bunch of my friends and their husbands/wives who are also turning 30 (our bdays are within 2 weeks of eachother) are all going to Cancun to celebrate our bdays. I REALLY want to go. it's  6 days all inclusive & is $1500 (incl. flight) per person, so $3K for me & H. I could easily come up with $2K and could just put the rest on the credit card & have it pd off in about 2 months. I talked to H about this and first he tried to change the subject thinking I would forget about it. Then, he got upset & said he couldn't afford $1500 right now, so I explained my plan I pay $2k & put rest on cc -- he said if we can't pay for it in cash up front we're being irresponsible. I am all about being financially responsible but in this ONE case - I want to do something for my 30th bday with my friends!!! Before this came up I decided I was going to go to Vegas (my sis lives there) and hang out with her - H decided he "couldn't" go but was alright w/ me going by myself b/c it was w/ my sis. He is absolutely against me going to Cancun without him. This sucks!! I really want a big bash for my 30th.

Re: Am I wrong about this?

  • Maybe you could show him how much money you would be putting on the credit card to pay off the extra $1000 and how that would fit into your budget. I think wanting to celebrate your 30th birthday is a big way is a fantastic idea and if you can afford it, that's awesome. Just show YH that you are, in fact, being responsible by having a plan.?

    Good luck!?

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  • Hmmmmm...there is something strange in his behavior. ?Is he planning something else for your birthday? ?A surprise party? ?A big ticket present? ? Perhaps that is why he is edgy about this trip.

    Has he always been edgy about higher priced items? ?Are you guys saving up for something else and he thinks this is unnecessary? ?Is he generally against spending money on vacations? ?Is he worried about your financial future? ?Does he not like some of the people you would be traveling with? ?

    I think you need to separate your thoughts from the whole emotionally charged ?"I want to go on this trip because I am going to be 30 and I want to have a good time" and seriously discuss both of your concerns. ?I don't think you are being unreasonable or selfish, but you guys are going to have to come to an agreement about this. ?

    GL!?

  • The last couple trips we have taken (honeymoon included) he has been like this. For some reason, he has all the money in the world to go on hunting trips, buy hunting gear, and buy hunting guns, but no money to do what I want - a trip once a year. I even proposed a smaller trip, ie: less expensive, before this Cancun trip came up and he gave me the same excuse. Every time I try to talk to him about it, he shuts down. There's nothing else planned - the thought wouldn't even cross his mind.
  • This wording got my attention:  Then, he got upset & said he couldn't afford $1500 right now..

    HE can't afford it?  Is there a lot of MINE vs YOURS when it comes to finances?  He has money for camping trips because that's something he wants to do.  If you're playing the mine mine mine game about money, and he doesn't want to go to Cancun, then why would he fork over HIS money to do so?  Are you going to hold it over his head if YOU pay for it?

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  • It sounds like you keep your money separate rather than manage money jointly.  I recommend the book Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach.  The first several chapters deal with values and your emotional relationship with money.  There are quizes to take - separately and then you sit down and discuss your answers.  It will help you understand each other's money style and why different choices are important to them - it is all part of "getting on the same page" financially.

    In general I agree with your Dh - if you do not have the cash - you don't finance your trip with a credit card.

      If you are both professionals and have good paying jobs- why do you not have more in savings?  The book will also help you set up a money plan that works for the both of you .

     

     

  • I actually don't think you are in the wrong here.  This is not an occasion that comes up every year; it's a one-time deal.  I'm not known to be irresponsible with my finances either, and I would probably do it even if part had to go on a credit card for a few months.  Couple of questions though:

    Would you be putting the $1000 on a credit card because you don't want to dip into a savings account, or are you living paycheck to paycheck and the first $2000 would drain your finances?  This would make a big difference to me...if the $2000 pretty much drained our account, I wouldn't do it. 

    Also, your husband's first response was that he didn't have $1500 right now.  Do you guys keep separate accounts? 

    Finally, is he comfortable around your friends?  Maybe there is an underlying issue in addition to the finances.  It seems weird to me that he wouldn't be willing to discuss this further, especially since it's something that means so much to you.

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  • he has all the money in the world to go on hunting trips, buy hunting gear, and buy hunting guns, but no money to do what I want - a trip once a year.

    yep, youve got yourself a problem.

    im assuming her goes on these hunting trips alone? so is your whole marriage this one sided? does he always get his way?

    he sounds like a 2 year old. he can do what he wants when he wants but you cant. and wont ALLOW it.

  • I daresay you both sound like two year old. It sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart.


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  • he is right, you know. ?credit cards are for emergencies. ?what happens if you put the $2K on the card, with the intention of paying it, but now you're facing 15% interest (that's finance charges of about $40/mo or more). ?then something happens...and you need the money you would pay towards the card to pay for medical bills? ?or car repair?

    ?your H, in all of his 26 wise years, is right on this one.??

  • We do keep our finances separate except for our mortgage. I have money in savings, he does not - which is one of his reasons for not wanting to go (very legit, i know). I have explained that I would pay for it - I don't care who pays & I wouldn't hold it over his head if I paid for all of it. However, when I say I'll pay, he says "you can't pay for me and I can't afford it." I know I am acting like a 2 year old, BUT I didn't bust my butt in school for 7 years to not do the fun things I want to do.

    DH does get along with everyone going, except for 1 guy, but I don't think that 1 guy would be enough for DH to say "no." I truly think it's the money thing - doing the responsible thing or not wanting a woman to pay -- I'm not sure which it is.

  • your H, in all of his 26 wise years, is right on this one.  

    so, spending money on hunting trips and guns, and that stuff is ok?

     

    lizzi you dint answer if he goes on these hunting trips without you? how long are they? how many? how much $ do you think they cost?

     

  • Sorry but your DH is right.  If you cannot afford this trip without a 'payment plan' . . .you can't go.  I play Suzie Orman.  Seriously, why go into debt for your 30th birthday.  I understand you'd like to go but if you can't save the money up beforehand, you shouldn't be going.  This ONE case . . .when will the next ONE Case be?  his 30th? your 35th? you found a bag you want?  Sorry but he's right here.
    Now, if he's saying "HE can't afford it" . .that's different. 

     You can still have a big bash . . .how about a weekend get away that is only $1000 combined?

  • image FunnyD:

    Sorry but your DH is right.  If you cannot afford this trip without a 'payment plan' . . .you can't go.  I play Suzie Orman.  Seriously, why go into debt for your 30th birthday.  I understand you'd like to go but if you can't save the money up beforehand, you shouldn't be going.  This ONE case . . .when will the next ONE Case be?  his 30th? your 35th? you found a bag you want?  Sorry but he's right here.
    Now, if he's saying "HE can't afford it" . .that's different. 

     You can still have a big bash . . .how about a weekend get away that is only $1000 combined?

     

    Didn't she say in her original post that he DID say "HE can't afford it?"  I'm confused.

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  • He is right. ?If?you want to go, then save the money and go. ?Who says the trip has to be right on?your birthday. ?

    And who knows he might be trying to plan something for?you!?

  • It sounds like you've got the money to go yourself. . . if his hunting trips are solo (sans spouse) events/activities, why can't you go to Mexico with your friends (spending "your" money)? 

    Personally though, it does sound like you two need to sit down, talk and try to find more common ground.

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  • If you keep your finances separate except for your mortgage, you can't complain about the ways he chooses to spend his money.  That's the whole point of keeping separate finances, isn't it?  I understand why people keep separate accounts, but if your finances are completely separate, and you don't jointly budget for anything except the mortgage, you can't expect him to agree to spending money the way you want.

     It sounds like your real problem is that you two don't agree on financial values, such as when it's okay to splurge, how much to save, the use of credit cards, etc.  That's a much bigger problem than just whether to take one trip.  How are you going to retire together if you don't have some agreement about savings?

  • Did you ask him why he cant afford this but can afford other things. Maybe you could compromise and offer to help him with some of the costs for his hunting later down the line.
  • Don't forget that in addition to the $1k that you will be charging, there is also the $1500 or so that you will spend on drinks, excursions, souvenirs and more.  I personally wouldn't do it.  CCs are for emergencies, not for trips you can't afford.
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  • RockysLove-

    I think she said above that it is an all-inclusive trip, so all drinks/food would be included in that original $1500/person.  The last time I went to Cancun on an all-inclusive trip, we spent about $300-$400 on excursions and souvenirs. 

    By the way, your doggie is ADORABLE!!!  What kind is he?

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  • I'm confused.  They are married.  She can afford her half of the trip and he can't afford his.  Sounds silly to me.  Together they cannot afford for the both of them to go.  Sounds selfish if she just goes because they can only afford for 1 of them to go.

    And, if you want to know my DH and I keep our 'finances' separate just to make banking easier but the money is "OURS".  We make spending decisions on what WE can afford.   I guess if they are keeping separate finances and splitting bills, etc . . .then as room-mates that are 'legally' married, then she should go since she can afford her part of the trip.

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