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postponing???? Help!

This is long....Before getting in engaged to my FI (Dec 2007), we had a lot of plans/things that we were focused on (buying another home, investing in real estate, getting his business going) Once we got engaged all of those plans were pushed to the back burner. My father turned ill, so he is no longer working. My FI and I are helping with the cost of the wedding (Limo, invites, lighting, decor, linens etc). Lately I am feeling like our "celebration" doesn't take priority over the plans and things that are super important to us. We currently live in the 2BD townhome I bought when I was 21. Its way too small now for the 3 of us. On top that it needs work! I want to really focus on getting us in another home, that we love and can find peace in. We have been trying to do both but reality is ITS NOT POSSIBLE,we are to marry in MAR 2009. I love this man to death but I want to have security and some type of foundation and I feel we are all over the place. My 1st question is has anyone gone through this and what did you do? 2nd, how do you break the news to my bridal party and guest? My pride is getting in the way because now I am fearful what people might say. I am just so unhappy that what was important to us a 9 months ago is going to be pushed back for us to put money towards our wedding. We have to live after this day you know. I am feeling so much pressure that it is affecting my relationship with my FI, because I am moody. SORRY SO LONG, I am just lost! I feel postponing is the answer for us, I dont know!

Re: postponing???? Help!

  • I would definitely say your living arrangements take precedence over your party.

    If it's important to you to have a wedding with all your family and friends, you should put that on hold. You should take care of the more important things first such as your cramped living situation and get all your financial ducks in a row.

    We're putting our wedding off until June 2010 so that we can have enough saved to host the wedding we'd like to have minus the help of parents. It's what made us comfortable, was important to us. Even though we'd like to wed quicker, it's important to us to have specific things, so we had to prioritize.

     

  • To me, the  marriage is WAY more important than the wedding. So I would have no problem cutting down on a "wish list" (everything you listed - limos, invites, lighting, decor, linens etc - are optional and not necessary for a wedding. Well maybe the invites, but you can do those for cheap on your hoem computer) in order to start my life with my husband right away.
  • The solution is pretty easy here.  Don't have the party. 

    For thousands of years people married and still do actually without the hoopla.  Their marriages (remember - the purpose of the party) were fruitful and lasted decades.  

    My question for you is...which do you want more.  A party or a marriage.

    Once you figure that one out, the rest is pretty self-evident.

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • Planning a wedding should not call all this stress and the total derailment of your goals and dreams. Why don't you scale down the wedding, or just go to a justice of the peace?

  • The picture has changed: you're both now part of a growing family (you said there's three of you so I'm guessing there's a youngster in the picture).

     Indeed postpone -- and plan a wedding celebration that the 2 of you can easily afford.

    Nobody's going to pass judgement on you that you're postponing. No explanation is necessary. (I don't think you need to call any of the potential invitees since no invitations to the event have gone out  -- but if there are people who need to make travel arrangements and they pretty much knew they were an in for your wedding, tell them you've cancelled the wedding. No other words after that are needed).

  • If you cannot afford the big wedding and having a roof over your heads is more important I would say scale down.

    Have a smaller wedding. You do not need the stress and life will go on after the big celebration only you guys will be left with the bills to pay and believe me no one will help you.

  • Couldnt you just have a low cost wedding and just forget about it? Does a wedding always have to be super fancy???
  • 2nd, how do you break the news to my bridal party and guest? My pride is getting in the way because now I am fearful what people might say.

    It struck my as strange that you were paying for "... Limo, invites, lighting, decor, linens ..."  I didn't pay for lighting or linens ... and I cut out limos, too.  You don't need a limo to get married and have a great reception.  I paid for invites, but I know they were affordable- not the crazy 5-layer kind.

    I think you know that your priorities are out of whack.  You can't have an expensive wedding to please the bridal party!  And your guests will love anything you offer.  And frankly, I've had more fun at simple receptions than over-the-top ones.  I just want to eat and talk with the bride & groom and enjoy my time. 

    Pick a venue that you can afford.  Maybe get out of the whole "party" mode and host a brunch.  Go for something elegant and tasteful ... something that honors your marriage commitment and guests.  Not some big show to impress people ... who really don't care to be impressed anyway.

    You'll end up looking quite smart, grounded ... and even a little envied.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • i agree with the pp's that you should scale down your wedding so you can still accomplish your other goals.  plenty of people have beautiful budget weddings.

    i just really don't think it's fair to your bridal party and/or family, if they have already spent money, to postpone because you can't afford the fancy party.

  • I agree with the pp - scale down the wedding.

     However, I'm having a really hard time seeing how a 2BR townhouse is way too small for your family.  I am assuming you and your fi sleep in one bedroom, and your child sleeps in another.  Not saying that you can't prefer a larger home, but I wouldn't say that a larger home is a dire necessity right now.

  • Quick tip-Ask where you are renting your tuxes from if they do invites.  Ours did and we got 40% off of them because we were renting all of our tuxes from them.  We still went with the least expensive kind though.

  • Cancel the wedding for now. Get whatever you need to do in your home done.

    Plan to get married  just the 2 of you. Go to the courthouse, go  away, go where ever just the 2 of you and get married if the 2 of you want to be married. but starting a marriage with all tis other stress right now is not a smart idea.

  • imagecasmgn:

    I agree with the pp - scale down the wedding.

     However, I'm having a really hard time seeing how a 2BR townhouse is way too small for your family.  I am assuming you and your fi sleep in one bedroom, and your child sleeps in another.  Not saying that you can't prefer a larger home, but I wouldn't say that a larger home is a dire necessity right now.

    I agree.  And being a townhome Im assuming its two story (or at least around here most of them are)

    Unless its like 700 sq feet and you have most of your stuff in storage because you dont have any space, I dont think a new home is right.

    And also, since your just getting married, do you want to buy another home (and go through ALL that hassle right now) because what if where you currently live isnt where you want to keep living?  I think when you first get married its good to either stay where you are (as in one of you owns a home) or just rent an apartment.  Just in case you decide in a year or two that you want to move somewhere else.  Whether its just a few towns over or a new state.

  • Well... It sounds like you have two options. You can either postpone the wedding and move into a new home, or you can go ahead and get married in march and stay in the same townhome.

    I agree with pp that maybe it would be wisest to stay in your townhome even if it's not essentially what you want right now. Since you and your fi are starting up his business here shortly, you never know where it's going to take you. I would hate for you to sign the papers on a new house and end up having to move less than a year later!

    I think you and your fi need to sit down and figure out what is more important to you- a huge party or a new house, and in terms of your living arrangements how much being legally married is really going to change anything.

    My dh and I went through that during our engagement. We're both still in school and had to really think about how long we really wanted our engagement to be. We could get married sooner rather than later, have a small wedding, and live in an apartment until we graduate... or, we could wait a few years, have a bigger wedding, buy a house, and start popping out babies.

    We chose to get married sooner, because we had already been together for 4 years, and living together prior to the wedding wasn't an option for us. There were many other factors that played into it as well that I won't get into on here, but it was the most comfortable and natural choice for us.

    Sorry for the novel, but I guess I said all of that to say that you really need to think about what the most natural next step is for you guys, emotions aside.

  • I would scale way back on the wedding and move forward with it. Have a nice elegant brunch for 50 or fewer people for less than $1,500. It will be a beautiful, stress-free day and you can keep all your other plans on track. To me, being married would outweigh upgrading the home or having a huge wedding.
  • I absolutely agree about cutting back on the wedding. Its the marriage that matters.

    I think its very responsible to want to prioritize financial stability, your living situation, etc but that doesn't mean you have to put off being married IF that's what you really want.

    Its easy to get caught up in what weddings are 'supposed' to be thanks to the wedding industry. Its really a waste of money. Sure, I had fun at my wedding but in hindsight I wish I'd kept it simpler.

    image
  • Scale down the wedding.  It can just be a cake reception at 2pm (thus not needing tables, chairs, and a full meal).  Have it at a local park, if you still want everyone in attendance.  As for breaking the news to everyone, your friends will understand, otherwise they aren't truly your friends.

    Being a new homeowner, I can tell you that once you upgrade your digs, it will be harder to save money for the wedding, not easier.  HTH!

    TTC Since 3/2010
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    Clomid 100mg 1/2012 = BFN, with Cyst
    IVF #1 Lupron/Menopur/Gonal-f/HCG Trigger
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    ET 4/22/12 = 2 transfered (day 3), remaining 3 weren't good enough to freeze
    Beta 5/3 = BFP, 87 Beta #2 5/7 560.9 Beta #3 5/9 1376.5 First u/s One Baby, 125bpm!

    Second u/s, 176bmp! Kicked over to the OB by the RE at 8w. Anatomy Scan at 19w looks great!
    Team Green!!

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  • I think both of these priorities- the house and the wedding- have several different options. ?If your townhouse needs work and you want to buy a bigger home, I think you're probably going to have to do the work on the townhouse anyway to make it easier to sell and to get more money for it. And after you do the work (I don't know what all it entails) you may find that you wouldn't mind staying there a little longer after all!

    You also have the option of scaling back the wedding rather than postponing, as pps have mentioned. ?I think that's your best bet, simply because selling one house and buying a new one will probably throw out tons of curveballs that might make it much much harder and more complicated to thrown a big party. ?I would scale back the wedding and then work on the house thing, or work on doing some repairs/ cosmetic updates while getting ready for the scaled-back wedding. ?Your friends and family will understand if it changes from limos and linens to a park, the point is that you and your FI will be getting married.?

  • Personally I would still get married in March 09 but would keep it SUPER simple and low cost.  (only 1 attendant each) Maybe just get married at the JP and have a low key reception - no limo, fancy linens, band, - you get the idea. 

    IMO the relationship comes first - (Marriage) - not the party.

    Get married, buy a house - enjoy.

  • Thanks for everyone response let me comment on a few things

    First my townhome is maybe right at 900 sq feet. So that is small for the 3 of us, all of our stuff including studio equiment. My home could be rented in a heartbeat ( we live in new orleans, and their are many visitors still living here working looking for places to rent) I need a home that I feel is my escape from work etc. And currently its not like that.

    Second, my FI is a on air radio personality for our local hip hop and R&B station. Our guest list is 450 so scaling down is not too much of an option for us. The things that we planned on doing for the wedding is not for show, its because thats how we do things. Its about having fun, and partying.

    We are considering doing something small for right now, and fixing up our home/ adding to it, until we find something that is perfect for us. While doing all of that continuing to save.

    What is important to the both of us is being married and working as the team we are to better our lives together. Thats a big reward and I get to do that with my best friend/ love of my life!

    Again thanks you guys have made me feel confident about my decision.

     

  • I agree that having a scaled down wedding and staying in your current house for now is the best way to go.  However, KristiKess, I don't know anywhere where you can have brunch for 50 people for less that $1,500.  Especially when you factor in tax, gratuity, service charges, room rental, etc.
  • Second, my FI is a on air radio personality for our local hip hop and R&B station. Our guest list is 450 so scaling down is not too much of an option for us. The things that we planned on doing for the wedding is not for show, its because thats how we do things. Its about having fun, and partying.

     I can 100% guarantee you that neither you nor FI have 450 CLOSEST FAMILY & FRIENDS.  That's fine- I had a large wedding too.  But be honest- please don't get on here asking for advice then saying you just can't scale down a 450 person list.  That's crap.  Of course you can easily scale this down, but you don't want to.

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  • We have postponed our wedding for right now b/c we were having some issues with our parents. A LOT of our friends haven't supported it and think that we are being selfish in putting it off for right now. In hard times like these, you will really find out who your true friends are.
  • imagemrsslab:

    Thanks for everyone response let me comment on a few things

    First my townhome is maybe right at 900 sq feet. So that is small for the 3 of us, all of our stuff including studio equiment. My home could be rented in a heartbeat ( we live in new orleans, and their are many visitors still living here working looking for places to rent) I need a home that I feel is my escape from work etc. And currently its not like that.

    Second, my FI is a on air radio personality for our local hip hop and R&B station. Our guest list is 450 so scaling down is not too much of an option for us. The things that we planned on doing for the wedding is not for show, its because thats how we do things. Its about having fun, and partying.

    We are considering doing something small for right now, and fixing up our home/ adding to it, until we find something that is perfect for us. While doing all of that continuing to save.

    What is important to the both of us is being married and working as the team we are to better our lives together. Thats a big reward and I get to do that with my best friend/ love of my life!

    Again thanks you guys have made me feel confident about my decision.

     

     

    Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little until you can afford what you want. I understand that you want a sanctuary from work, but if  you can't afford to buy a bigger place, then you can't afford it right now. Focus on saving for improving your home and purchasing another one. Maybe even try to find somethings to do outside of the house like going to the park and spending time with family. That is a good way to de-stress.

     Just tell people that due to unforseen circumstances, you will have to postpone the wedding. If the only way you will have your wedding is to have all of the details that are hiking up the bill, then you should wait until you can definitely afford it; however the things you are mentioning don't sound like this wedding will happen until after 2010. Those that truly care about you will not care that the wedding has been postponed. They will support you no matter what.

    IMO about the guest list...450 people is way too many, but that is just MO,. Most people spend the most money on the catering and i don't know that many people I am willing to pay for to eat....sorry. radio personality or not, this event shouldn't be about what you 'do' to party and have a good time. If you really want to get married, you can do it tomorrow. Maybe you guys should do that at the JP and then see if the wedding party still is something that is such a big priority. Take care of your family, save your money, don't worry about the trivial thing. Worst thing would be to go into debt for something that will be over in a few hours when the most important event is supposed to last a lifetime.

     

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