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I love my future mother-in-law, but... [rant]

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Re: I love my future mother-in-law, but... [rant]

  • You are a student?  Will you finish your degree?

    I was a Psych major and did a study abroad in Europe and absolutely LOVED it.  That is your very best option right now.  It is so fun and exciting, great resume builder, everyone is around your age, you'll have a boyfriend (FI in fact) just around the corner and you'll be this super cool person.

    I can't imagine why you wouldn't absolutely jump to get into some student program. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image MrsOjoButtons:

    Her posts on RE and S&R confirm that he is her first serious boyfriend. She's also never held a job, supported herself, or lived away from home, save the college dorm.

    But, Ojo, she's taking Psychology classes!  That's all you need to make a relationship work.  Real life experience just can't compare to sitting in a classroom and being told how things are!

    Also,

    Becuase she is going to love, love, love you right up to the moment you change anything in her little man-child's world. Then she's not.  And you are going to be shocked and appaulled and blamed for it all.

    This was the other thought I had too, originally.  We've seen this a million times on these boards- the MIL is the best, they get along so well, then the poster married the son, and then BAM "waht happened? She hates me!".

    I absolutely see this happening in this situation.  No question.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • image vanillacourage:
    You have larger problems than how to decorate the entryway.  You're really considering marrying a man whose mother still dresses him, and "doesn't like the suggestion" that he do his own laundry now that he's 30? 


    image JKeyes2011:

    The only issue is he doesn't want me to change anythnig because his mom will get upset.



    Red flag, red flag.  And a creepy flag at that.  I'd put wedding plans on hold until you sort this out, otherwise it is going to be a huge issue in your marriage.

    DITTO. RUN LIKE HELL.

    Your whole marriage is going to revolve around trying to get him to wrap his head around the idea that he's a grown-up now and what mommy says isn't the rule for the new regime. Do you want to sign on for a lifetime of this? And that's just what happens between the two of you! What about all the friction that comes with momma showing up at your apt, giving you a frowny face b/c you aren't doing his laundry or dressing him (since, of course, you were supposed to take over those jobs), and you might actually expect him to help around the house - and then starts doing it herself so her son doesn't have to while the big meanie wife looks on?

    RUN LIKE HELL. FIND A GROWN UP BOY TO DATE.

  • As they say in high school football. There is laundry on the field.

    Red flags everywhere. Please reconsider everything.

    Firstly, you are marrying a child- however old and however successful he is, he doesn't take care of himself and doesn't seem to mind.

    Secondly, your mother- however beloved she is by ex-boyfriends' families- is not exactly a disinterested party in this debate. She is looking out for your welfare I'm sure. But she's also looking out for her own as well. Unless you are 100% certain she is happy you are moving to Europe with a momma's boy, take what she says with the appropriate serving of salt.

    Thirdly, he cares more about his mother's comfort than yours inspite of the fact that you are giving up pretty much everything you hold dear and familiar.

    You deserve better than this.

  • I get that you love him.  I really do.  But you need to really learn to love yourself first.  And by that- I mean become independent.  Experience things on your own.  Get some life experiences under your belt.  And THEN consider marrying and moving in with Mr. Man.  I have a feeling your outlook on this situation will change once you've spent some time in the world.
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  • You are marrying a major mama's boy.  He's 30 and he still cares what his mom thinks about changing things in his life?  I would really recommend living in California, it will be a little (?) easier to get him to do things for himself.  Still, that's a HUGE undertaking.  Good luck.
  • I'm not a psych major, but I play one on the Nest. 

    It doesn't take a degree in psychology to tell you that she's not upset about the laundry or the curtains or whatnot.  She's upset about the idea of losing control of her son.  She is the #1 Woman in His Life right now, and she isn't about to give that up without a major fight.  Unless he's willing to jump in with both feet and tell her to back off, it's a fight that You. Will. Lose.

    And moving overseas and making yourself completely dependent on him for EVERYTHING puts you in a dreadful position.  Not only do you have an imbalance in your relationship because of your relative ages and life experiences, you also lack the basic ability to support yourself and function in that society.  The EU has very strict laws about foreigners and work permits and residency requirements, and the odds of you being able to find employment are next to none, especially as an unskilled worker (which, since you don't actually HAVE your degree yet, you are).  How do you expect him ever to see you as an equal in a marriage?

    Look up "dependent personality" in your DSM-IV-TR.

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  • Oh honey, this seems like a bad idea all around. I would suggest that you take a step back and think about things. Here are som questions I would ask myself if I was you. 

     Why would a 30 something man want his mom to do everything for him?

    What do a student and a 30 something man have in common? (this is a huge red flag about him) 

    What will happen if I move to another country away from everything I know?

    What if I move and this ends badly?

    What are my life goals?

    The list can go on but these are the big ones to me. I would go see someone at your school to talk about this. I know my school had a great support system that helped a lot of people with stuff like this. 

  • I read your other posts this summer, and while I'm glad you did postpone the wedding, my gut instinct was and is that this relationship is just not a good idea.

    Marriage will not change him.  You're signing on for "putting mommy's feelings first" for the rest of your life.  And by marrying him, you lose all right to complain about it after your wedding day, because you fully knew he was like this.

     

     

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  • You keep saying 30 something.  How old is he exactly?  I'm going to guess 38.

     

  • Personally I like solid color curtains rather then print curtains, but that's just me.

    I have absolutely nothing else to say that hasn't already been said.  But hey, I'm not a psych major, so what do I know about relationships obviously headed for ruin. 

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • image rh64226:
    I would go see someone at your school to talk about this. I know my school had a great support system that helped a lot of people with stuff like this. 

    I have a sneaking suspicion that she attends a small, christian college.  My guess is that their support/counseling programs are probably not telling her what she needs to hear.

    OP, I know it's probably impossible for you to see why this is in all likelyhood a terrible idea, so I won't bother explaining why.  PPs have summed it up well.

  • "Christian psychology"? Sounds like an oxymoron to me.

    I will also bet the OP is getting a lot of "cleave to your H and be submissive" crap, too, somewhere along the line. And you're on the right track, Engineer Aaron -- she's not getting support that tells her what she has to hear.

     And I am wondering if the OP met her spineless FI over the Internet. My guess is probably yes.

  • I think it's pretty obvious that the Belgian "30-something" boyfriend has some development delays and dependency issues going on.  And OP is making it quite obvious that she's extremely sheltered and naive, even for a 21 year old.

    She will move to Belgium as planned, and she and overgrownmanchild will live a super dysfunctional life for a few months before OP comes running back to the US and her own mommy.  But by then, she'll have already dropped out of school and will probably be knocked-up.  

    Mark my words and save this thread - I bet I've just predicted the next 6 months of OP's life pretty accurately. 

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  • Behold:  an 800 pound gorilla post.

    Now, who was asking about being judged or stereotyped?  If you're still lurking, this post is a perfect example.  A post from a woman who is marrying into a NIGHTMARE scenario, who thinks the fact that her FMIL dresses her FI is "cute", but who wants to "puke" at the curtains in the apartment.Indifferent

    I want The Nest to provide a gorilla smiley!!!

     

  • Um his mom can get mad if she wants.  You two should not be making decision based on whether or not his mom will get upset.  You should be making decision based on what the two of you want to do.  My MIL has never or would never tell me how to decorate my house.  That is totally inappropriate, of your FI, to cater to your FMIL like that.  You have a FI problem. 
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  • image Maybride2:

    I think it's pretty obvious that the Belgian "30-something" boyfriend has some development delays and dependency issues going on.  And OP is making it quite obvious that she's extremely sheltered and naive, even for a 21 year old.

    She will move to Belgium as planned, and she and overgrownmanchild will live a super dysfunctional life for a few months before OP comes running back to the US and her own mommy.  But by then, she'll have already dropped out of school and will probably be knocked-up.  

    Mark my words and save this thread - I bet I've just predicted the next 6 months of OP's life pretty accurately. 

    Yup.  Pretty much. 

    OP, I wish you were around when gaijin_princess was posting.  She essentially did the same thing you're doing, with less of an age difference, I believe, and at the tender age of 19 was running back home and ready for a divorce. 

    None of us are trying to burst your balloon.  What we are trying to do is get you to see this for what it is.  If a bunch of internet strangers have no problem picking out the red flags, I can only imagine how obvious it must be in real life. 

    Please for the love of all that is sacred, don't do this!  You're getting in way over your head and it's going to be incredibly hard to get out of it. 

    Having a degree is psychology (which you don't, you're still a student) does not mean you're emotionally ready for a marriage, for living abroad, and for dealing with your FMIL.  Wait a few more years, get yourself sorted out in the meantime, and if he's really it, he'll come to you.  If not, then you'll have avoided disaster. 

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