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Wish I could crawl under a rock ( wedding in Canada )

Oh noes.

So I went to the wedding. ( The red mermaid dress wedding ). Everything seemed fine, I was severely jet lagged, but I powered through. I was totally on form up until the day of the wedding, had everyone howling at the rehearsal dinner, etc. it was great.

Then came the day of the wedding.

Okay. So the dress fit, thank god, but it was so bloody tight that I couldn't sit down unless I hiked the entire dress over my hips like I was getting ready to squat in the woods. Not wanting to look like a classless idiot in the church, I refrained from hiking up the dress and attempted to sit down in the pew with the other bridesmaids during a portion of the ceremony - but I couldn't. I ended up slowly leaning back into the pew unable to move my back, waist or hips from the rigidly straight position they were in and kind of sat there propped up against another bridesmaid as though rigor mortis had set in. Then I needed help getting up.

I didn't fall down in the aisle. I didn't rip the dress. I didn't really embarass myself horribly in any way... until my speech.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. Everytime I think about it I cringe and turn pink and my eyes dart around frantically searching for a desk, table or lorry to dive under to escape my inner torturous embarrassment.

The slide show with my friend doing the splitz on the Eiffel Tower and on the moon landing went over really, really well, which was great.  But it went a bit downhill from there.

See, the dress was really, really tight. So I couldn't eat anything all day because no food would fit in there. I didn't drink much water or anything for fear that I would then have to pee and  have an army of strangers have to help me out of and back into my torture dress. However, I was a bit nervous about my speech before hand through dinner and, since I couldn't eat anything despite how hungry I was, I drank nearly half a bottle of red wine ( this was due to both nerves and that I needed something to do with my hands during dinner )

So by the time I got up there to the microphone, I was a bit drunk, really.

Actually, I was quite drunk.

Everything was going great up until the slideshow finished, people were laughing and thought it was great.. and then my eyesight blurred from the wine and I lost my place. Then I dropped my cue cards and, not being able to bend in the dress to pick them up... I started winging it.

A drunk, starving bridesmaid winging a speech at her best friend's wedding is never, ever a good thing.

Oh god. I ended up telling a story about her buying underwear in China but the store clerk pushing her out of the store because she was "too fat" - which I thought was funny because she's a size 0. Yeah, I was the only one that found that funny. It was like you could hear crickets in the background - well, that and the loud "pity laughter" of my friends in the audience. ( God bless my friend Nicole )

So in my mind, as nobody was laughing any more, I was thinking " Oh no! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!" So I hastily powered through a bit of the last part of my speech, toasted the bride and got the hell away from the podium.

Oh my god, it was bad. I then went straight to the bar and got into the Jagermeister with one of the groomsmen and some of my frienemies from high school and proceeded to get right p*ssed. I ended up having a great time and people kept coming up to compliment me on my speech, but I'm so humiliated.

I haven't spoken to the bride since. I don't know if I can.



Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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Re: Wish I could crawl under a rock ( wedding in Canada )

  • Maybe it wasn't that bad and if it was you were probably just the emodiment of karma, exacting revenge for her lack of consideration to others.

    I have a few cringeworthy moments from years ago that still make me want to run and hide. In truth you are probably the only one thinking about it.

  • I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you're thinking!! I ahte public speaking and always think the worst after it, but it's usually never nearly that bad.

    But kudos for you for going and wearing the awful too-tight dress!!

    Mum to W (4) and M (nearly 2)
  • If people complimented you on the speech then they did not find it bad.  I'm thinking it was way worse in your mind than it really was.

    Pretty pretty pretty pleaaaaaaaase can we get a shot of the sausage casing dress (prefrably with you in it)?

  • I also want picture of dress from hell!

    Oh, my MOH at my first wedding was also drunk and during her speech she started to tell the story of me getting my first period. In glorious detail. And using wine and a square piece of cake as a visual aid.

    Please feel better knowing you weren't the worst speech giver ever. And just tell the bride the dress cut off all oxygen to your brain and you can't be blamed.....

  • Ditto everyone!  I bet the speech went over better than you think.  We're always our own worst critics!

    But LOL about the dress!  You must share a photo!

    I completely know what you mean about not being able to move in a dress.  My first qipao was floor-length and fitted so tight that I couldn't bend at the waist at all.  And if I hiked it up at all, the thigh-high splits would become obscene!  I wore it to an "Old Shanghai" theme night at a jazz club in Beijing, and I had to lounge on the sofas the whole time.  I started to wonder if that's how that kind of low, deep cushioned seating became so popular in China!

  • imagexnickerx:

    Oh, my MOH at my first wedding was also drunk and during her speech she started to tell the story of me getting my first period. In glorious detail. And using wine and a square piece of cake as a visual aid.


    Tofu you can rest better tonight hearing that.  Hoooly crap.

  • Ditto everyone else! I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you think, it sounds like you were a great friend to do all that for her! And I also want to see a pic :-)

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  • It cannot be worse than the speeches at my wedding. My 19 year old BIL was pissed and talked about Graeme being fat when he was little and coming in last during all the training stuff at school... and some story Graeme's other groomsmen told him about Graeme getting pissed on some red wine, vomiting everywhere and falling asleep under a table and some other story about "monkeys do it all the time" that doesn't really need much more explanation than that.

    My sister was fairly drunk as well and told a story about how I slept with a bag of doritos in my bed once. And then prattled on about how Graeme and I were babies getting married so young but finally redeemed it by saying that everyone else in our family were super young when they got married and they've made it work (which is not quite true. both my sisters' first marriages ended in divorce!). Ugh....

    Seriously, I bet your friend doesn't care at all! I certainly don't focus on the speeches from our wedding - the rest of the day was so wonderful. I doubt she does either.

    Meanwhile, the red mermaid dress sounds like my idea of hell. She should be thankful to you just for putting that thing on!

  • All I can say is, after having to deal with a dress that was much too tight, not being able to eat anything, bride gets whatever she gets, honestly.

    I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you thought it was though.

  • I'm sure it wasn't that bad! And ditto pp, we need to see a picture of that dress!
  • imageAmoroAgain:
    after having to deal with a dress that was much too tight, not being able to eat anything, bride gets whatever she gets, honestly.


    It doesn't sound that bad, really!  I agree that if people are complimenting you, it must have gone ok.  Unless by "compliment" you mean, "that was certainly? a speech? that you? um? delivered."

    And yes, why don't we have a pic yet? ;) 

  • Hahaha, oh Tofu, I am so sorry!  And I ditto everyone, I wanna see a pic o this awful dress.

    If it makes you feel any better, my dh's best man was soooo nervous when giving his speech that he ended up just winging it, and went on and on and on for like 20 minutes but he kept mumbling and no one at all could understand him.  To this day we still have no idea what he was trying to say lol

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  • I must see a picture of this dress.
  • well firstly well done on surviving that awful dress

    secondly, I'm sure the bride will remember the great slideshow the most - I wouldn't worry too much:) At least you made it through & had a fun night in the end!!

  • Sometimes we have different recollections of things then the people in which we are speaking to, call the bride in a few weeks or send an email.

    I find that in the end you still were a trooper, expensive dress loads of extras that you were not informed about AND the dress being uncomfortably tight.

  • At least you didn't get into an (almost) punch up with another bridesmaid or tell the bride how awful she was because she didn't spend the entire wedding reception hanging out with you (which is what one of my BMs did).  I'm sure it's fine!
  • Oh, wow. You guys have made me feel so, so much better about this! What I did was NOTHING compared to your horrid examples!!!! Cripes!

    Talking about her period? Demonstrating with red wine, napkins and cake? LOL!!!!! Fighting with the Bride????? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Alright. If she's mad, I'm going to show her this thread!

    And you're right. I'll open with - the dress was really tight and I hadn't had a lot of oxygen circulation to my brain... 


    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • OMG.  If it makes you feel better, I read this post out loud to DH and neither of us could get through it without laughing so hard we cried.  That dress sounds. truly. HIDEOUS.  And I'm sorry about your speech, lol.
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  • Lol, oh my goodness... One of my bridesmaids referenced us getting charged with harassment in college. We had a crazy roommate who tried to charge 5 of her friends with harassment when she went over the edge. Nothing ever came of it because she was clearly troubled and in the police station accusing us of "looking at her all the time," "putting bad things in her food" etc., but a lot of people at that wedding didn't know that story. Lots of confused swiveling to look at me. Thanks! 

    Then there was my brother, who gave a sweet, funny speech. Everyone loved his speech but he was SO embarrassed. Somehow in his head he had completely bombed, even though it was great. So it probably wasn't anywhere near as bad as you thought it was! 

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  • I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it was. That dress sounds absolutely horrible! You are a good friend to suffer through that!
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