So I went to the wedding. ( The red mermaid dress wedding ). Everything seemed fine, I was severely jet lagged, but I powered through. I was totally on form up until the day of the wedding, had everyone howling at the rehearsal dinner, etc. it was great.
Then came the day of the wedding.
Okay. So the dress fit, thank god, but it was so bloody tight that I couldn't sit down unless I hiked the entire dress over my hips like I was getting ready to squat in the woods. Not wanting to look like a classless idiot in the church, I refrained from hiking up the dress and attempted to sit down in the pew with the other bridesmaids during a portion of the ceremony - but I couldn't. I ended up slowly leaning back into the pew unable to move my back, waist or hips from the rigidly straight position they were in and kind of sat there propped up against another bridesmaid as though rigor mortis had set in. Then I needed help getting up.
I didn't fall down in the aisle. I didn't rip the dress. I didn't really embarass myself horribly in any way... until my speech.
Oh no, oh no, oh no. Everytime I think about it I cringe and turn pink and my eyes dart around frantically searching for a desk, table or lorry to dive under to escape my inner torturous embarrassment.
The slide show with my friend doing the splitz on the Eiffel Tower and on the moon landing went over really, really well, which was great. But it went a bit downhill from there.
See, the dress was really, really tight. So I couldn't eat anything all day because no food would fit in there. I didn't drink much water or anything for fear that I would then have to pee and have an army of strangers have to help me out of and back into my torture dress. However, I was a bit nervous about my speech before hand through dinner and, since I couldn't eat anything despite how hungry I was, I drank nearly half a bottle of red wine ( this was due to both nerves and that I needed something to do with my hands during dinner )
So by the time I got up there to the microphone, I was a bit drunk, really.
Actually, I was quite drunk.
Everything was going great up until the slideshow finished, people were laughing and thought it was great.. and then my eyesight blurred from the wine and I lost my place. Then I dropped my cue cards and, not being able to bend in the dress to pick them up... I started winging it.
A drunk, starving bridesmaid winging a speech at her best friend's wedding is never, ever a good thing.
Oh god. I ended up telling a story about her buying underwear in China but the store clerk pushing her out of the store because she was "too fat" - which I thought was funny because she's a size 0. Yeah, I was the only one that found that funny. It was like you could hear crickets in the background - well, that and the loud "pity laughter" of my friends in the audience. ( God bless my friend Nicole )
So in my mind, as nobody was laughing any more, I was thinking " Oh no! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!" So I hastily powered through a bit of the last part of my speech, toasted the bride and got the hell away from the podium.
Oh my god, it was bad. I then went straight to the bar and got into the Jagermeister with one of the groomsmen and some of my frienemies from high school and proceeded to get right p*ssed. I ended up having a great time and people kept coming up to compliment me on my speech, but I'm so humiliated.
I haven't spoken to the bride since. I don't know if I can.