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I need to get some things off my mind

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Re: I need to get some things off my mind

  • Occasionally on these boards, I see people chastizing the bride, "SURELY you must have known about this before the wedding!"

    I always think, well even if she did, it doesn't mean she's doomed to stay in a sucky situation as "punishment" for thinking he'd change. Thinking a guy will change after marriage = dumb. Staying with him in a bad situation just because you were naive enough to think he'd change = ridiculous.

  • Dreamlover, to avoid the flame for my post , I will bet you that your ILS are of the same culture as my husband. I would bet my life on it. so I will say this to you and I strongly suggest that you listen. Smile and say yes to everything and while Husband ( notice I didnt use the DH) is at work. GO HOME!.. I am fortunate, MIL is dead and FIL is in UAE and my DH is an only child so I do not have that problem BUTTTTT two dear friends did. Once married, the true man came out and WOW. The longer you stay, the worse it will become. I wonder if you have changed your clothing yet, that will be next and your religion will be soon and trustme...they are sitting around even as you read this deciding when YOU will get pregnant. Your husband is not going to change and he will NOT defend you so you should slyly move out and go home now. It will not improve I can promise you that. That is unless you ENJOY the drama, pain and subjection you are required to make. I didnt think so. Take the clothes on your back and call your family to send you a train ticket and GO HOME!!Whisper
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  • image ashleym909:

    Whoooaaahhhh!!!!!!!! ok------first you ARE his wife, NOT his mother. its obvious he wants you to be him mommy and its your responsiblity for everything....omg, i'd *** a brick if i were you. His parents are weridos if you ask me..his mom wanting you to call her "mom" is weird to me. his dad demanding a phone call.....wtf! ive been wtih H for 10 1/2 yrs (married for a month now) and ive NEVER called his mom "mom" i call her by her first name!

    your H nodding his head agreeing with them is out of the question! you and him are one now, he's not a little boy anymore even though he's clearly acting like one...how long have you been together? you didn't live together before you were married?? omg......im sorry you're experiencing this!

     

    I totally agree with this 100%. Get in some counseling see if he'll go too and try to take it from there. Your H needs to grow  a set.

  • Oh man, just to ditto all the others, he's a selfish, manipulative, controlling man and his family is the same way.

    I'd run like hell and get an annullment.  He's grown up in this environment so he thinks this behavior is normal.  He won't see a need for counseling, and he won't change.

    I don't think you want to live the rest of your life this way.

    image
  • I think you need to sit them all down together and tell them how to meet YOUR standards, and tell them you'll give them a month's trial and then let them know how they're doing.  Then see what they do.

    After that, I'd probably leave if I were you.

    image
  • image MrsEvans2Be:

    Wow...this situation is actually a little scary. I would get out or at least tell him you cannot live like this at all.  The fam sounds crAzy....the fact that he goes along with it is not a good sign at all.

    I am so sorry. Keep us posted.  

    I was thinking about this story last night and it kept really bothering me. Which says something to me b/c usually I don't think about a message board 5 minutes past logging off from it.

    Dreamlover - ditto above. Frankly - your new situation sounds a little cultish to me - with the talk of 'controlling' you and 'they're your family since yours is so far away' and you have to call them mom & dad and you have to call on a set schedule - which you'll be graded and evaluated on. It sounds like the precursors to brainwashing to me. And the fact that you've been moved 400 miles away from anything familiar just puts you in a more vulnerable position so they can get you to 'go along with the flow' and actually exert control over you.  If you aren't working and your H cuts off your cash flow and your communication capability (cell phone, keys to car), what are you going to do? Pull an escape fund you can stash where he can't access it (even if you decide to stay) and start to make some friends there outside of this 'culture' ASAP so you've got a lifeline beyond his family.

    This 'bait & switch' crap has been made into several 'made for TV' movies.

  • Some things can not be worked out. This is probably one of them. They waited until they got you into the family ? now you have to abide by their beliefs of the way ?things? (as in your life, marriage, household, etc) are to be run. They are collectively mentally abusing you. Your DH and his whole family. They will continue on with this until they?ve got you in submission and you do as they want you to. It?s not going to get better ? it?s going to get worse. Leave your husband now. Get a divorce ? get some counseling and move on with YOUR life. Your life the way you want to live it? not the way your inlaws want you to live it. Your husband is trying to guilt you into their way of life by saying he?s going to do everything his parents want because he doesn?t have much time left with them? That guilt is a one way train ticket to a life of hell for you. Don?t buy it. Go home to your family. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

  • I would get out of that marriage if I were you -- fast! Your H and your ILs are being over the top controlling. I can't imagine the control that they would try to exert over you and your children when you have them. That is no way to live.

    If/when you leave, I would not warn him first. He will probably say horrible things that will make you feel like you can't go. Before you go, make sure you get copies of things like mortgage documents, bank statements, 401K/investment statements etc. Any type of financial documents that you are likely to need for a divorce. You will need to know which institutions your money/debt are in, the amounts, and the account numbers.

    Also take a decent amount of cash. You may not have access to it for a while because he will probably empty your bank account when he realizes that you left. You will want a record of what was in it so you can recover your half later.

    Lastly, make sure you have somewhere safe to go and consider getting a prepaid cell phone or something to use in the meantime. You may need to turn your phone off for a while if he turns to harassment/stalkerish behavior but you will still want to maintain contact with family and friends.

    Good luck with whichever decision you make!

  • image amanjay:

    Occasionally on these boards, I see people chastizing the bride, "SURELY you must have known about this before the wedding!"

    I always think, well even if she did, it doesn't mean she's doomed to stay in a sucky situation as "punishment" for thinking he'd change. Thinking a guy will change after marriage = dumb. Staying with him in a bad situation just because you were naive enough to think he'd change = ridiculous.

    well said!
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  • image britandchris:

    I would get out of that marriage if I were you -- fast! Your H and your ILs are being over the top controlling. I can't imagine the control that they would try to exert over you and your children when you have them. That is no way to live.

    If/when you leave, I would not warn him first. He will probably say horrible things that will make you feel like you can't go. Before you go, make sure you get copies of things like mortgage documents, bank statements, 401K/investment statements etc. Any type of financial documents that you are likely to need for a divorce. You will need to know which institutions your money/debt are in, the amounts, and the account numbers.

    Also take a decent amount of cash. You may not have access to it for a while because he will probably empty your bank account when he realizes that you left. You will want a record of what was in it so you can recover your half later.

    Lastly, make sure you have somewhere safe to go and consider getting a prepaid cell phone or something to use in the meantime. You may need to turn your phone off for a while if he turns to harassment/stalkerish behavior but you will still want to maintain contact with family and friends.

    Good luck with whichever decision you make!

    I agree about not telling him. I would leave while he is oot or at work. I recently did this for a friend. I cannot say this clear enough...if he finds put he will likely cut you off from family, money, and may get physical. Please stay safe and keep us posted!
    Born at 31w3d due to severe IUGR & Placental Insufficiency--2lbs 3ounces
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  • sacmarsacmar member

    When I read this, I knew this was a cultural issue. My understanding of some cultures is that the moment a woman marries, she is no longer part of her birth family, but part of her husband's family.

    I'm not going to suggest you leave right away. My suggestion, is to sit them all down and explain to them your expectations and set some boundaries.  You may also want to talk to H about counseling. Someone who specializes in cultural differences would be good. If your H and his family refuse to respect you and he refuses couseling, then I would say leave.

    Good luck.

  • Is anyone else wondering what culture this could possible be? I have a pretty diverse background but haven't seen anything like this so I am curious....(I believe it though)....

    I was going to tell you to have a plan in place but I thought I would be being dramatic. 

  • 1. your IL's are living in the dark ages and honestly, they sound a little creepy.

    2. Your husband needs to grow a pair and to grow up.

  • image MrsEvans2Be:

    Is anyone else wondering what culture this could possible be? I have a pretty diverse background but haven't seen anything like this so I am curious....(I believe it though)....

    I was going to tell you to have a plan in place but I thought I would be being dramatic. 

    I'm gonna say middle eastern, muslim (but very very conservative).  That is my guess at least.  

    Born at 31w3d due to severe IUGR & Placental Insufficiency--2lbs 3ounces
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  • sacmarsacmar member
    I would say very conservative Indian or Middle Eastern.
  • Sorry for your situation. It sounds like you're very unhappy, and if you've already talked to your husband and things still aren't getting better then it sounds like you need to get an annulment/legal seperation. Is your family aware of this situation? If you're close with your family you may want to talk to them about the problems you're having with your H and his family since you'll probably need their emotional support if you do decide to leave. Best of luck to you; I hope everything works out for the best.
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  • The D&R girls are thinking of you and we agree with all the FM girls.  You def. need to take some action!

    http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/20038141.aspx

    Born at 31w3d due to severe IUGR & Placental Insufficiency--2lbs 3ounces
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  • I was with someone for 6 years before we got married.  After we got married he became a different person.  Circumstances were different from yours but he was very controlling, controlling family, etc.  I wondered WTH happened to the person I knew for 6 years.  It was over in 11 months.  I was very depressed during that marriage and felt like a weight was lifted from me when I left.  I remarried someone who treats me with respect.  My ex also married and I always wonder what kind of woman would want him.

    Anyway, the point here is that you don't have to live this way.  I'd suggest counseling, but I seriously doubt its going to help.  With my ex, he had his family justifying everything he did so "he didn't need counseling".  I went alone to cope with the situation and my counselor felt like the situation was emotionally abusive.  I'd suggest you consider getting out before it becomes even more abusive.

  • I didnt read the PPs so sorry if I repeat anything or if I've missed further details provided later.

    Honestly....the whole thing really creeps me out. I repeated your story to DH and he agrees. If I were you, I'd call home and make sure the family is still alive cause these people sound like they may have offed them. Because you moved away from home, THEY are your family now? As if your own family no longer exists? And to give you a progress report in 30 days? I'm sorry, but I'd pack a bag and never look back. These people sound creepy, scary, and controlling to the n'th degree. Good luck and Godspeed.

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  • image katie4253:
    image MrsEvans2Be:

    Is anyone else wondering what culture this could possible be? I have a pretty diverse background but haven't seen anything like this so I am curious....(I believe it though)....

    I was going to tell you to have a plan in place but I thought I would be being dramatic. 

    I'm gonna say middle eastern, muslim (but very very conservative).  That is my guess at least.  

    My guess was that they moved near a compound in Utah or the hills of Montana.

  • I'm also wondering with the calling your MIL 'mom' thing if your MIL considered how insulted your mother might be by that. I'd talk to MY mom first if we were close and ask her how she felt about that (with the acknowledgement that it made me uncomfortable). How would your MIL feel if her son called someone else 'mom'?

    Moving 400 miles away doesn't mean you aren't still a daughter in addition to being a wife.

    My compromise might be to call MIL exactly that - 'mother in law' but I wouldn't call her mom at all. In fact, I call my MIL by her first name b/c that's what she asked me to call her and it's what I'm comfortable with. The rest of the family calls her by a nickname (which she's told me she doesn't like).

  • I would run fast!!  I can only imagine how involved his parents would be once you two have kids!!  One thing that hubby and I pride ourselves on is a united front.  Regardless of who is demanding something of us... we stick together (if we disagree we talk about it later alone... not infront of anyone else).  You should feel like your hubby is your partner... the one person in life that is on your side... not against you.  You deserve to be happy in life.
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