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FIL is spreading lies about me!

I went out with my BIL's fiance the other day and she was sharing similar stories to mine about how frustrating my FIL is.  He is very opinionated and tends to lay it on you if don't agree with.  I've had a hard time with this as I can't stand people telling me what I should believe in etc.  Anyways she said that the other night BIL told her not to believe a word that his dad says because its not true.  And I (really at this point I had no idea what she was talking about) asked what she meant and she basically said that he said that I was not to be trusted and that she shouldn't ask me to help plan anything because I'll spend all her money.  He also said mean things about my family that are completely not true!  I was so upset that I told my DH and now I don't know what to do.  He wants to confront his dad about everything but I don't want to get BIL fiance to get in trouble for saying anything.  Especially since FIL said the age old, "Now this doesn't leave this room..." kinda deal.  I hate that he is saying these things and I am not sure what to do.  Has anyone on here dealt with this before?  I could sure use some advice.  Thanks!
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 I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. Kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day AND I believe in miracles. -Audrey Hepburn

Re: FIL is spreading lies about me!

  • I'd let DH confront him on it.  If your FIL didn't want his opinions to get out, then he shouldn't have been slandering you in the first place. 
  • This is so tough, because you confronting him may harm your BIL's relationship with him as well.  How do they feel about you confronting him and him finding out they told you what he said?

     No matter what, I think your dh needs to confront him.  It can come from both of you, but your dh has to lead the way and stand up for you.  You both need to stand up to FIL and tell him that gossip/spreading lies/talking behind your back is unacceptable.  Tell him that your other relatives are going to tell you what he says, just like you would tell them if he was speaking badly of them to you.  Make sure he understands how hurtful it is to both of you, that you will not tolerate it, and that you won't hold a grudge, you just want to get over this, move forward and trust that he won't do it again.

     If he contintues, you will have to decide with your dh if you want to maintain a relationship with him despite his vindictive behavior.

     One more thought, does he have a history of this type of behavior?  Maybe he does this to everyone and people know he is full of bologna and they just tolerate him?

  • 20 bucks says FIL believes the things he is saying to be true.  And will not understand what was wrong with what he did... or what was wrong with it.  People that say/do that kind of thing don't think they are lying or making up stories.  Your DH confronting him is going to create WWIII, be prepared for that.  I'm not saying your DH should not confront his father, but he should assume that nothing good will come from it.  Your FIL is likely to completely deny saying those things.  Come on, do you really think he will fess up to it??  And it is hearsay anyway... you don't know FOR SURE that he said any of it. (not that he didn't, but you weren't there, you know?)

    Man- why do adults act like they are 6th grade girls??  I'm sorry your FIL talks crap behind your back.  Its horrible and very, very sad.  There is just no reason for people to act like that.  Even if you were some horrible skank- your FIL has NO BUSINESS talking about you to the rest of your DH's family.  I'm sorry you're dealing with that.  (my MIL does similar things.)

  • I'm sorry you're going through this.  I too have dealt with in-laws who gossip about me to other family members.  Let me first point out the positive thing in your situation, and that is you have DH's loyalty/support on this issue.  When my in-laws gossiped about me, my DH never took my side and that made everything so much worse.  (I have gained my husband's loyalty since then.)  So give DH a hug because spouse loyalty is a wonderful thing! 

    I suggest you tell your BIL's fiance that in the future when FIL starts to badmouth you, you want her to say, "I'm not willing to listen to you gossip about Erin.  If you have a problem with her, talk to her directly from now on.  I'm not going to be caught in the middle."  Also, you might want to tell her you want to confront FIL about this (or have DH confront him), but you don't want to betray her ... ask what she feels comfortable with you doing.

     At least if you or hubby decide not to confront FIL, you can hopefully get others to stop listening to your FIL gossip about you...you can't necessarily stop the source but maybe you can stop the endpoints.  Does that make sense?

    If you or hubby do decide to confront FIL, it's probably better if DH does it in this situation.  However, in other situations it may be better for you to stand up for yourself so that you earn the respect of others rather than waiting for DH to rescue you every time -- a lot of wives, including me, have depended too often on hubby.

     Also you mentioned that FIL is very opinionated and it drives you nuts.  The next time that situation comes up, you might want to say things like, "You're entitled to your opinion" (that implies his opinion is just an opinion, not fact.  Or you could say "Agree to disagree" or "I'm not willing to discuss this with you anymore.  Is there something you'd like to talk about instead?" Or "I'm sorry you don't approve, but this isn't your decision."

     Be assertive and behave as an adult on an equal level to him.  His opinions don't outrank yours, and you don't need his approval.  

    Hope that helps.  Good luck!
  • Let your DH be a man and stand up for you. 

    Do you know how many women come on here complaining that their husband's don't stand up for them to their families?  You are L-U-C-K-Y!

  • image oakvik07:

    20 bucks says FIL believes the things he is saying to be true.  And will not understand what was wrong with what he did... or what was wrong with it.  People that say/do that kind of thing don't think they are lying or making up stories.  Your DH confronting him is going to create WWIII, be prepared for that.  I'm not saying your DH should not confront his father, but he should assume that nothing good will come from it.  Your FIL is likely to completely deny saying those things.  Come on, do you really think he will fess up to it??  And it is hearsay anyway... you don't know FOR SURE that he said any of it. (not that he didn't, but you weren't there, you know?)

    ITA.  First of all, you future SIL shouldn't have shared this with you.  What's the point?  BIL knows his dad is full of sh!t, your husband knows his dad is full of sh!t, and probably everyone else in his life knows he's full of sh!t.  What do you hope to accomplish by confronting him?  Do you think FIL will be contrite, beg forgiveness, or even stop his nonsense?  Don't count on it.  You can't expect a rational response from an irrational person... and furthermore, you are simply setting your future SIL to be the future whipping post for FIL. 

    I honestly think you should just let this go.  This is gossip.  If anyone was actually believing what he had to say, my advice might be different, but everyone knows the man is a kook.  Why bother?

    What you and your future SIL can agree on is what the pp suggested-- if FIL ever starts in on this nonsense in the future, you can nip it right in the bud.  Say, "I really don't want to talk about XXX when she's not here.  I"m not comfortable with this conversation"... which is really what SIL should have done in the first place, but that is water under the bridge now.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • It comes down to this:  you will never, ever, ever have any control over what people are going to say or think about you.  You can only control your own behavior and words. 

    In that regard, while it's sad that both your FIL, and apparently your BIL's fiance, can't keep their mouth shut in voicing/reairing negative opinions about you, you need to evaluate the source and decide if it's something you want to let affect your self-esteem and self-perception. 

    With all of the fuel a confrontation would add to the fire, I'd let it go.  And maybe let BIL's fiance know that you really don't need to hear this third-party crap/gossip anymore and you'd appreciate it if she'd shut it in the future.  The way you related your conversation, it sure sounded like she was going for the drama of being the "informer."  Blech.

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • Thanks ladies!  I really do appreciate the support and you all made really excellent points.  I don't really think this situation is going to be fixed either way, ya know?  I guess I would be creating more drama by trying to be confrontational and while I absolutely LOVE that my DH would do this for me I don't think this is the right way to procede.  If he could just say these things to my face I would be prepared but behind my back is a totally different matter.  Anyways thanks again!
    image 

     I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. Kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day AND I believe in miracles. -Audrey Hepburn
  • i know this is a hard situation for both of you. however, it's best if both of you stand for the trust you have for each other. never mind all the other things that people say about you and even your relationship. all you can do is to continue to be yourself. that will prove them wrong.

    image 

  • image oakvik07:

    20 bucks says FIL believes the things he is saying to be true.  And will not understand what was wrong with what he did... or what was wrong with it.  People that say/do that kind of thing don't think they are lying or making up stories.  Your DH confronting him is going to create WWIII, be prepared for that.  I'm not saying your DH should not confront his father, but he should assume that nothing good will come from it.  Your FIL is likely to completely deny saying those things.  Come on, do you really think he will fess up to it??  And it is hearsay anyway... you don't know FOR SURE that he said any of it. (not that he didn't, but you weren't there, you know?)

    Man- why do adults act like they are 6th grade girls??  I'm sorry your FIL talks crap behind your back.  Its horrible and very, very sad.  There is just no reason for people to act like that.  Even if you were some horrible skank- your FIL has NO BUSINESS talking about you to the rest of your DH's family.  I'm sorry you're dealing with that.  (my MIL does similar things.)

    i agree with this too. i had a similar situation and these types of people will start a war before ever admitting that they are wrong or apologizing. i think the bigger question is what type of relationship do you want with this man. talk to your dh about it, make sure you are on the same page and go from there. and if you do decide to confront him, let your dh handle it.

    and i don't think the fiance had any bad intention in telling you so i wouldn't hold that against her either. i also had a fam member tell me things that were being said about me and i took it as though they were looking out for me. and they gave me some great advice as they went through something similar. but i'm the type that i'd much rather know what is going on than being clueless about something like that though too, lol.

    good luck to you! and in situations like this i always say remember the saying "be more concerned about your character than your repution. Your character is what you really are, but your reputation is merely what others think you are...."

    just to put it into perspective that this man's opinion is worthless. ;)

  • He'd be dead to me and I wouldn't give him the courtesy of telling him.  I'd let him figure it ...eventually.  If he wasn't too stupid to realize.

    Really, I'd right him off. And it probaly wouldn't impact my life (or his) at ALL.

    DH would know why and I'd be right. Done.

     

     

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • So you were gossiping with a family member and learned that the family member was gossiping about you, too?  Just kidding (kind of).  I don't think you should say anything.

  • I think both you and your future sister-in-law need to watch what you say.  This is a terrible situation in which to give in to the urge to gossip.

    Neither of you should be talking about your future father-in-law to the other.  Next you'll be on here posting about how your BIL's fiance bad-mouthed you to your FIL so that she could ingratiate herself with him.

    Be discreet.  If you have an issue with your FIL, take it up with your DH and decide how you'll both handle it.

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