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Can't have sex with my husband :[ I need advice

hi. so.. I'm 22 and my husband is 25, we got married last year. We waited till we were married to have sex. I was not a virgin though.. almost but well long story but i had sex a while before that twice with the same person. And although my husband and i try.. we can't seem to get it.. in. The other guy was smaller in that area.. and he was more.. forceful. My husband is bigger.. and he is very patient and sensitive... and i am very small... and right when i think "i can do this this time, no big deal" we try and its like he's trying to create a hole that isn't there... uhg.. after getting married we were sure we'd have a handle on this in a month at the most.. its been a year (in july) and I'm going crazy! I went to the gyno and she told me i was fine.. but something is wrong with me obviously.. I guess I'm just trying to find some advice... or someone in the same situation so i know I'm not a freak. I feel horrible.. although my husband patience is endless. idk what to do... : /

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'almost' means a lot of girls have had LOTs of sex before marriage and i waited until i was 21 and got married at 22... almost? get it? lol

and i dunno what "MUD" means but I haven't been on this site since i was planning my wedding a looong time ago, in october of 2007. my mother ruined that dream and we ended up eloping a while after.. july 2008.


as for the questions from people who aren't jerks:
he has no problem getting hard..

we do A LOT of foreplay.

He gets me to climax manually before trying to enter so i am really wet but it doesn't seem to help

we've used lube but it gave me a yeast infection : / (2 different kinds, uhg)

we read books... i went to the gyno... we tried different positions...

I think people might be right about the vaginismus thing. I've been reading about it and it makes sense.. i was molested as a child and i have a lot anxieties about sex. but even without that, i think i am just very small.. I'm petite and short and i guess that applies to every part of my body.

thanks so much for all the advice.. i appreciate it  :]

 

Re: Can't have sex with my husband :[ I need advice

  • does your husband get hard?
  • Okay. Are you having foreplay, if so you need more? And you need more lube.  Also, you being stressed can make it worse, have a class of fine, fool around and try that.
    image
  • your vag is able to accomodate different sizes of men...make sure  goes down on you or you use lots of lube. you can do it! (pun intended)

  • Your nerves and anxiety may be making you invouluntarily tighten your vag muscles.  Relax and remember this is supposed to be fun and dont think about it too much.  Have a glass of wine with your DH if it helps you to relax.  Also you may want to go out and get a small vib and either play around with it on your own or with your DH.  And yes get some lube! gl!
  • image tawns79:
    Your nerves and anxiety may be making you invouluntarily tighten your vag muscles.  Relax and remember this is supposed to be fun and dont think about it too much.

    This.... and also use lube! 

  • You could have a condition called vaginismus. They have a website and sell graduated dilators to help you get through this. Check the website.

     

  • Maybe you're just small.  Although you can stretch to accommodate many sizes, it's like doing splits - though your muscles are capable of stretching that far, you have to slowly get flexible enough for it before it'll happen.  Try the dilators.  Even if you don't have vaginismus, they're like flexibility training for the vag.
    image
  • If we as women can push 8 pound babies out of that hole, i'm sure you can get a penis into it :) I second trying the lube and to make sure hes not going in at an angle.My husband has done that before and it woulden't go all the way in until we repositioned ourselves.Try not to think of it,start missionary and make out for a long time and try having it slide in (with lube)without much thought going into it.GL.
  • People always bring up the 8 pound baby thing, as if the majority of women's vaginas don't tear when this happens.
    image
  • I completely understand what you're going through. I won't lie, my husband is the biggest I've ever had. Before we got married, it was sometimes painful but manageable. Most of the time I'd just overstretch myself and be sore the next day when we would try, which is understandable. Now, we haven't had sex since our honeymoon. Is it painful or just doesn't go in? Because I've had times where it didn't hurt at all it was just too much friction and wouldn't go in, then you can use lube. I've found that I don't like the texture of many lubes and we found an inexpensive, organic like method...olive oil. But now it DOES hurt like as soon as he gets it in and I can't handle it. I don't know what is technically wrong but the term for it is dyspareunia. I think it's my anxiety over well now we're married I have to have sex. I've had my gyno check me out as well, she says I'm structurally sound. I know you feel guilty and so do I but my husband is just as patient and supportive as can be. I also think it's just the thought in my mind that it will hurt since it has in the past even though I try to relax. SO I think our game plan will be just foreplay for a while and see if that helps.
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    People always bring up the 8 pound baby thing, as if the majority of women's vaginas don't tear when this happens.

    your right!!! ?I had a second degree tear when I birthed my 8 lb DS. ?However, I doubt her H is THAT big. haha?

  • I have kind of the same problem, only my DH isn't really big at all. I'd never tell him that, but every time we have sex, I tear, PAINFULLY! There was one guy I had slept with before him that was so big that neither one of us enjoyed it because he could hardly get into me, so I was relieved when I found out DH's size. Only it still hurts! I haven't talked to my obgyn yet, because I've never heard of someone being "too small"! So I can't really give advice, because I have no idea what to do either, except that I find that it is easier and I tear less when I'm on top. I do enjoy the sex though, even I'm up half the night in pain, its still worth it.
  • "Almost"?

    Where'd you get that one?

     Lots  of lube and foreplay will do the trick. So will vaginal dilators; see another gyno that's a bit more sensitive to your situation.

  • have you tried lube?
  • A year in July, you say? How come your profile says you got married on October 1, 2007, hmmm? I lurve me some MUD!
  • image DamaGodiva:
    I . I've found that I don't like the texture of many lubes and we found an inexpensive, organic like method...olive oil.  .

    Olive oil?  really??  I would be afraid I would smell like a salad.

  • image CrysW08:
    A year in July, you say? How come your profile says you got married on October 1, 2007, hmmm? I lurve me some MUD!
    i was going to say the same thing....MUD! MUD AND MUD!!!!

    YOU'RE probably a diirty butt slut anyways.  whore!!

  • image married2thebest:

    You could have a condition called vaginismus. They have a website and sell graduated dilators to help you get through this. Check the website.

     

    I have vaginismus but have never had to use a dilator.  The doc prescribed a cream for down there called Estrace and it works! I use it at night before bed then shower in the morning. It makes the vaginal opening more "wet" I guess. Anxiety meds might help too....it could really be mental. My doc wanted me on the anxiety meds and I turned it down.

    Good luck! Use lots of lube and lots foreplay. Also, he should not be afraid to stick it in and go to town! Being a sensitive partner is awesome, but he needs to for the gusto! It may hurt a couple times, but it will get better. 

     

  • Is he hard? And if he is lube and lots of foreplay for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Try having a glass of wine prior to having sex - it may relax you a bit.  It seems like anxiety is part of your problem.
  • Giving up is not the option. You say you've tried lube-only 2 kinds? there are thousands of kinds.... basic water based lubes are most tolerated by sensitive vagina's. Once you accomplish the initial insertion it should become easier, the more costly way would be to invest in toys of different sizes and try to 'stretch' of sorts, you out. Sexual intimacy should be important to each marriage and it can take a lot of effort but trying is the way. It may be awkward to use toys but if it works it works. My guys and mine favorite site for accessories is adameve.com and there are lubes Targeted for people who are sensitive. Silicone based lubes can cause problems so try a sampler. But remember, women can stretch to accommodate a range of sizes and try not to hurt his feelings, anxiety can make it seem like it's more difficult than it is but try to stay relaxed.

    Good luck. 

  • K here's my take.  I sort of had the same issues with my ex.

    First off I would say try not reaching climax before him.  I found that when I had already reached climax nothing was getting into me after that.

    Also, I also found that if I was thinking about anything else, my body just wouldn't react. 

    The best I can say is take it slow and do it often.  It took my ex three tries before we were able to even get close.

    I totally understand what you are going through but I promise it gets better, although I will warn you that if time passes, it's like starting all over again.

     

  • Girl, I am in the same situation. I'm 22, H is 25, been married a year now exactly. I have vaginismus, go to www.vaginismus.com. The gyno told me to use either dilators or a vibrator to help. I bought a small vibrator, about 1 in wide , and it doesnt matter how long it is, b/c you can try to put whatever amount in that you are comfortable with. Also , do kegels three times every day. I'd read everything you can on vaginismus to get educated. Knowledge is power right? The more you understand your body, the less scary and foreign it is. Try the vibrator by yourself for a few weeks, then let your H help you during foreplay. We had sex about 5 months after we got married, and it was an accident. The more times we "tried" to have sex,the  more frustrated we both got, b/c it didnt go in. The night we finally did it, I was sick, it was late, and I had to get up the next morning. We were just fooling around and he actually went in me and it didnt hurt. I know this sounds crazy, but the more we "try" to have sex, the more nervous I get, and the more my PC muscles tense up, making sex hurt.

    Sex still hurts for me most of the time, and the gyno visits almost kill me. Let me ask you this: can u use tampons? does your gyno visits hurt you? If so, then you probably have vaginismus. The gyno thinks I have endometrosis now, so hopefully after I have surgery next week, I will not have so much pain during and after sex! Good luck to you

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  • Use lots of lube and it should be fine.  It will most likely be uncomfortable the first few times you have sex, but it should be fine after that.
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  • hi, thanks for all the advice.. i think you're right about the vaginismus and definitely about how the more you try the less effective it is.. I have only gone the the gyno once because i was afraid and when i finally did it was traumatizing and painful! couldn't use a tampon until i was 19, but i finally am able to use those tampax pearl lites, most of the time. those are the only ones tho, every other kind is a lost cause. what is endometrosi?? Its not something I've looked into.. I'm so weird when it comes to this stuff. sometimes just reading about vagina diseases and whatknot makes me feel really dizzy and fainty. Especially anything having to do with pain in that area.. so vagina surgery is like the most terrifying thing i could imagine... anyways if u could let me know how it goes and if it helped eliminate pain that'd be really awesome
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