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Do either of you keep in touch with ex-es?

I was talking to someone the other day about whether or not it's possible to be friends with an ex after you've broken up.

Do you still keep in touch with any of your ex-bfs (those you ended on OK terms with, that is - not cheaters or scumbags)? Does your FI/DH keep in touch with any of his?

If so, how often do you see them? How do you/your FI/DH feel about it?

Re: Do either of you keep in touch with ex-es?

  • This depends on so much - whether there was friendship beforehand, intentions of the ex, behavior of the ex and you, trust, comfort level, and openness between you and DH, etc.

    DH and I will each get an annual "check-in" from one of our exes, but that's about it.  We offer to send each other the email if they want, but since we trust each other we don't bother.  We do not see these people either.
  • I keep in touch with one X regularly because we were better friends than anything and we were never lovers.  H and X have met and would get together again, X is madly in love with someone and H has access to all of our communication if he wishes.  I dont share intimate information or confidences about H with X.   It's all on the up and up.
  • No -- we're high school sweethearts, so all our exes were pretty much left behind after high school.
  • I never had any exes.  DH on the other hand sometimes gets random and drunk calls from his ex wife.  Thankfully we haven't gotten one of those in a long time. 
  • No.  I kept in touch with one of mine for a while (first serious relationship), but I could see that it made FI uncomfortable even if he'd never admit it, so I let that friendship trail off.
  • Yes...I keep in touch with most. 

    DH thought it was a bit odd at first, but has met them and is fine with them.  He thinks they are nice guys.  One visits whenever he is in town and we go out to dinner/drinks with him or have him over.  Another we visit when we travel out-of-state to CO (he is more my friend, DH doesn't have much in common with him), or I may go out on the town with him if he is in the area. 

    DH, however, really doesn't keep in contact with anyone he has dated (with the exception one that he occasionally emails along with the rest of his old high school friends). 

    Being friends with an old BF/GF has never been an issue with either of us; we trust each other.  For me, it just seems natural to remain friends, but perhaps that is because most of my friends growing up were guys.  I may have a different perspective on the topic based on my experiences.
  • I have one that I keep in touch with. We broke up in 1996 and have always kept in contact. Just a check in once a year or so to catch up. My DH knows we have contact and I always tell him when I receive an email from my ex just in the interest of full disclosure.  He has one ex he has stayed friends with. It has really never been an issue for either of us.
  • I am probably a unique example of staying in contact with my exes.  I have posted some of my situation before, but for those who haven't heard it...

    (most extreme example)  I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of my former fiance.  Yup, horrible lavender bm gown and all.  We had broken up years before and had stayed good friends (after an adjustment period).  When I needed a short-term loan for law school tuition ($5K just for 3 weeks until my loans showed up), he mailed me a check, because, as he put it, "I know you're good for it".  Years later, as he went through 4 years of a fight with a brain tumor, we talked every two weeks or so.  Because I knew that the things were getting bad, I flew cross-country this past October to spend time with him.  Right before he died, his wife called and asked if I wanted to come out and see him before he passed.  I opted not to, but flew out instead for the memorial service.  I enlarged some pictures I had of him for the service, as well as gave his wife all of the pictures I had of him (without me, obviously) from our years together.  She was putting together an album for their son and I wanted to offer some pictures she might not have.

    My DFi knows all about my various exes and has met a few of them.  They all live thousands of miles away and we keep in contact via email and the occassional dinner when I am out in CA or they are here in NY.  I hide nothing.  My DFi always jokes that these were all the idiots who let me get away.

    Ultimately, the reason I stay close to my exes is that I liked them enough to be with them in the first place...why would that stop just because we are not romantically involved?  Plus, some of these men have known me for nearly 20 years...they know all of my history and can frequently make insightful comments about various problems.  I have no desire to reunite with them, but they are good friends, so why would I give them up?
  • Nope, neither of us do. It makes us both uncomfortable.
  • I've never known this to be successful.

     

    I tried to keep in touch with XBF (4 year relationship). Disaster.

     

    DH tried to be friends with XW, but she couldn't handle not being the only woman in his life. Went psychotic after he started dating me.

     

    My sister's tried it a few times. Never worked.

     

    Nice in theory. Don't think it works long term.

  • IDK...I think it depends on all the people involved (friend, spouses, etc.).  If there continues to be an attraction on one side or continued hurt feelings, mistrust, etc., then no, it probably won't work.

    Also, what is the definition of "long-term?"  I have been friends with the 2 exBF's for 8-9 years, and have been with my DH for over 7 years.  I can't predict what the next 20-30 years will bring, but I don't forsee any issues arising.  At least, there we haven't experienced any thus far.  I think a certain level of respect and maturity from all individuals is necesary to maintain friendships/relationships when there was previous romantic involvement.  Without this, then the friendships cannot survive.  I would not want to be in a relationship with either DH or male friends if this was lacking. on either front.  JMO.
  • There is one ex I keep in decent contact with.  We went to school together, have the same friends, etc.  And we never had sex (very important to DH, although he used to think I was lying about it).  Mostly right now it's friendly sport bantor on myspace/facebook, but now DH has gotten involved since he loves our school so much, and my ex his.  I don't think I'd ever go out to specifically hang out with him, but I would meet up with a group including him at a bar.  He's a funny guy, I can't help it.

    The only ex DH stays in contact with is his ex wife since they have a child.  They don't like each other and have nothing in common, so if there was no child they would never speak again.
  • One of my ex-bfs is in our wedding party... he's how i met my FI. then again that's normal in FI's group of friends they've known each other since grade school and have all dated each other at some point.
    BFP #1 8.16.10 m/c at 5w BFP #2 10.21.10 m/c at 5w4d
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  • i often still talk to a few of my exs including my ex fiance.. my boyfriend doesn't seem to completely mind that i talk to them on the phone because they are both in different states then me and it's most likely i won't see them till after my boyfriend and i tie the knot... he doesn't keep in touch with his because we have had "issues" with that in the past where she has tried to break us up he was so mad he never spoke to her again which makes me happy lol
  • I was a long haul kinda dater. I was with my first bf for four years. After a year of everything being awkward after the breakup, and him growing up a lot, we became friends again. The guy I dated next didn't turn out so well.We were together 10 months then I dumped him. He's always had an "attitude" towards my husband, but we are civil the few times I've seen him since the wedding. (He's a marine). My first bf has asked me to be the photographer for his upcoming wedding, and he was my photographer for my wedding. I'm pretty proud of the fact that after such a long relationship we can still be friends and I ADORE his fiance.
  • anneganneg member
    Ancient Membership
    i've never seen the point.  i also never dated anyone i was friends with (except my husband!), so there was never any sort of friendship i was trying to hold on to or to fall back on.  if i'd wanted to be their friend, i wouldn't have dated them.  i have one ex who sends me an email every six to twelve months to check and asks me to write and i just find it weird, esp as he was the one acting like i was an albatross around his neck.  i wish him well and all, but my interest in his life is zero.  i'm find the whole thing puzzling. 
    great blasket island, co. kerry, ireland june 2011
  • I have one that I don't stay in cotnact with and one that I do.  In fact he was in our wedding in 06 :)  He was the reason that I met my DH and he is one of DH great friends. 
  • We only keep in touch with the ex's we have kids with & only b/c we have to. Imo, it's generally not a good idea to stay in contact with ex's.
  • I don't stay in touch with my x,, but my man keeps in touch with one of his.  He said they dated when they were like 15 and decided they were better friends. 
  • MGPMGP member
    Eighth Anniversary
    Neither of us do.  I think it's a matter of respect.
  • It all depends. My EX cheated on me, and got married 2 weeks after we broke up. I did not talk to him for 2years, he joined the army and is now in Iraq, he Texts me all the time, and I avoid talking to him because it is not worth it. It was worthless and why he is calling me and not his wife I dont know. But the FI asked me not to speak to him, and I dont.

    Now my other ex's I still talk to them, we were good friends before we dated, and things didnt work out, plus we were so young, First love type of stuff, and the FI is ok with me still being friends, he is actually invited to our wedding.

    As for my FI, his last gf was a nut, and I told him to never speak to her. She has contacted him, and he hasnt spoken to her. He knows how I feel and respects that!

    Talk it over.... compromise.

    Goodluck

  • The questions to ask are, "Why do you feel such a strong need to stay connected to someone you had such an intimate relationship with?", "How does your H feel about this?", "Why did you break up in the first place?", and "What is the need that this relationship is fulfilling?".  It's like Harry said, "The *** thing always gets in the way".

  • I'll be honest... doesn't seem like a good idea.

    I definitely do not even though all of my past relationships ended peacefully.  When the x's would call when I first started to date my fiance 4 yrs. ago it really bothered him.

    In our relationship, exes are exes... something left in the past (even the ones that might have been really close with at one time).
  • None of my exes were worth keeping in touch with.
  • ooh! I do talk to his ex though. She's fabulous.

  • Nope. and No he doesn't.
    They are the exes; in the past and are not meant to be involved with your present. I mean I like to check up on them every once in a while but I am a curious curious person and I do it without them knowing or with very little contact. I mean I broke up with them for a reason. And my guy hasn't been with a whole lot of them and doesn't form a lot of friendships with girls.
  • Keeping in touch with any of your ex's can be a difficult thing. For me, it was a mutual decision, we ended up becoming friends more than lovers but we can still talk without bringing up old feelings.
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