Family Matters
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IL's Visiting

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Re: IL's Visiting

  • I have an odd question, is this an arranged marriage. I cannot believe you would pick a douchenozzle like this on your own. If it was my DH my answers would be, ok let em come, Im off with the girls, be sure and stop by the grocery store on the way home.
  • My fiance and I had a huge discussion that I have to allow them to come w/ or WITHOUT any kind of notice because he wants to be able to see his family whenever he wants. I'm not trying to keep him from seeing his family, but as another member living in the same household, I think I deserve some kind of notice/preparation for when the Future IL's arrive.

    This is the real issue.  You are right and your fiance is wrong.  Go back and discuss this again and negotiate with him until you reach a spot that is more of a middle ground.  One extreme is you never allow them to come.  The other extreme is they are allowed to descend on you any time they want without notice.  What you've reached is not a fair compromise -- it's your FI's position.

    Take it from an older veteran of married life (that's me) that this kind of struggle is a hallmark of early married life.  This will be far from the last conversation you guys have about this type of thing.  Stay cool and communicate.  You and your FI need to accept that other families have customs and ways of doing things that are different from yours, and that different doesn't = bad. 

    For example, don't interpret them not eating breakfast as an insult to you.  That's just how they do things in their family.  However, you need to come to compromises and decide how things will be done in your new, little nuclear family.  In doing this you will draw from the traditions of both sides.  You will each give up some things that you've always done.  You will also invent new things and new ways of doing things.

  • he never gave his family rules about coming to visit and that they can visit whenever. That's how it's always been before I came into the picture.

    Life changes, circumstances change.  He used to wear a diaper.  Does he still wear one? 

    You aren't saying they can't come visit - you are saying you need notice.  BIG difference here.  Explain that to your FI.

    But seriously- he soundsl ike an a$$ who is always going to put his family before you.  And Jill (I think) brought up a good point- what happens if and when you have kids?   You will still be #2 to his family.

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  • His "this is how it was before you came along, so this is how it will stay" argument is rigoddamndiculous.  I'm sure he'd just love it if you said "I used to have sex with other men before you came along, so this is what I'm going to keep doing, end of story."

    I agree with the others - get rid of the guy.

    image
  • Do I need to just suck it up and let them come whenever? Absolutely not.  Do I need to just suck it up and say "It's ok that you don't eat breakfast, even though that's totally weird and completely unhealthy"? Yes, do not engage on the breakfast issue.  Do I need to just make sure my house is prepared for overnight guests 24/7, including having a well-stocked fridge?? No, if they arrive unannounced you simply say "Oh dear, I wish I had known you were coming.  I'm afraid I'm not set up for guests just now, here's a list of hotels nearby!"

    Honestly, you and your FI need to get on the same page here.  I wonder if he's not willing to compromise with you on this b/c you harp on every. single. thing. his family does.  In reality, the main issue here is the showing up unannounced and that's what you need to focus on.  Maybe it's fine for him, but it's not for you and he needs to respect that.  I also wonder if he ever does any of the work to clean and prepare meals and grocery shop at the drop of a hat.  Maybe next time they show up you should pack up an overnight bag and say, "Oh, great to see you all but I have to get this homework done and I didn't know you were coming!  FI, please get the guest room ready for the fam and go grocery shopping for them.  I'll be at bff's house doing homework, hate to miss out on the fun!" and leave.  Perhaps if he has to do the work he'll understand where you're coming from more.

    I would suggest talking to him and letting him know that although you and his family do things a little differently, you're willing to relax a bit when they visit, provided you are given ample warning.

    My inlaws are very similar in the not-being-able-to-plan-ahead/make-a-decision areas.  Now when we go visit them I bring snacks and a book, becuase I know that if we start talking about dinner at 6, it will be 9 pm before they make a decision, and then 10 pm before we actually leave the house.

  • The fact that your FI thinks you should just deal with them not giving you any notice is complete BS.  They need to give more notice if they're going to come to visit for a weekend and stay at your house.  That is completely rude of them.  You need to explain this to your FI and then have him explain it to your IL's.

    As for breakfast, let it go, but dinner...if you eat at a regular time of night (like 6:00 or whatever) let them know.  Say something like. "I'm going to make dinner at 6:00...do you have any idea of what you would like?"  If they can't decide then you decide and just make it.  If they don't want what you made, they can make something themselves or go out to eat.

    I promise you, this will only get worse as time goes on, not better, if you don't deal with it now.

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  • I just wanted to say that it's possible to train one's inlaws.  My ILs don't plan much in advance.  My family does (both are in town with us.)  So after MIL lost us on several holidays due to lack of planning, she started making an effort to plan the holidays that are important to her in advance.

    But I agree with the other posters that your FI is a jerk and you need to seriously think if you're willing to put up with this the rest of your life. 

  • Ok try this:

    ?Sit.... Stay.... good doggie..... ?I don't mean to be rude and insult you here, but that is exactly what you guy and his family are doing to you.?It's YOUR house too so for him to tell you that you need to just allow his family to come whenever they/he wants b/c he wants to see them whenever her wants to is ridiculous. If he wants to see them then he needs to take a little drive in his little car.?

    ?

    And you REALLY shouldn't stress out about the grocery shopping or the cooking. It's not yur job to make sure that his family gets fed 3 square meals a day every other weekend. That's gotta kill your grocery bill.... ?they are adults and can be responsible for their meals. And as far as making sure guest beds are made up, again, not really fair to expect you to have it ready at the drop of a hat. Same with cleaning your house. Houses are LIVED in. They are not museums. It would be different if it was 3 or 4 times a year they came to visit, but NOT as often as they do, thats just not fair.

    ?

    Judging by your post, these people (including your FI, Husband, b/f ) not sure what he is..... ?do NOT respect you or to be blunt, give a crap about what you think, feel, or just plain YOU in general... You haveta think about if you want this for the rest of your life. Because it sounds like your guys makes all the decisions and you are expected to have no opinions or feelings on the matter. Do you want to live a life like that?

  • image gishstar:

    It's a matter of breaking an age-old habit of them just dropping in.... and he wants it to be fair for the both of us. So because I can see my family whenever becuase they live in town he should be able to see his whenever and allow them to just drop in. (Which takes us back to the whole, 'It's my house too')

    Try this with him...?

    You can see your family whenever you want, but I'm guessing they don't stay with you. ?So, to be fair, his family shouldn't be either if they want to drop in at the last minute. ?Plan in advance = stay at your place, Drop in last minute = stay elsewhere.?

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