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What do you think about this?

So, this is just "in talks" at the moment..not anytime soon, maybe in about 2 years or so....the in-laws are talking about moving to santa barbara which is about 2 to 3 hours away from where we live now. Fi and i are living with them for the time being until we get our house. Fi dad has mentioned several times that he wants to move to SB so bad and wants to give the house to Fi and i...awesome right? house was paid cash, brand new, awesome neigborhood, friendly neighbors etc.....we'd just basically pay the utilities...well Fi dad says they'd just want to come back to stay a few weeks during the winter/holidays etc.....soooo....im thinking, ok, does this mean we'd all be living together again, is this REALLY going to be mine and FI's house, how would i feel if they come back to their "old" house...will it be in our name so its really our house?

there's so many thoughts running through my head as far as if this would really be our house. im SO completely grateful and REALLY lucky that the In-laws would do this for us... what would you do/think?

Re: What do you think about this?

  • It will never really be your house, no matter whose name is on the deed.  And it'll be compounded by them never thinking of you as adults since you keep living as children, with them and then taking their handouts rather than being self-sufficient.

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  • Wow!  That could be really awesome.

    Honestly, though, I would continue to plan on purchasing your own place.  Who knows if, when, or how your IL's idea will work out.

  • image snowday!:

    Wow!  That could be really awesome.

    Honestly, though, I would continue to plan on purchasing your own place.  Who knows if, when, or how your IL's idea will work out.

    yes, its so awesome, but Fi and i already said to one another that we're not going to wait for that...so we'll see i guess. i wanted to see what others opinions were..thanks for not flaming this =)

  • While it might not be their house anymore, I doubt they would ever really treat it as your house.  They might accept that they no longer live there, and might not expect free reign about when/how long they can visit, and might not be overly imposing while they are there.... but they will always be visiting their old house and that leaves the door open for all of those things.

    Personally I wouldn't risk it, especially since it is only 2-3 hours away. 

  • Do you really want to be indebted to your ILs for the rest of your life?  How about do you really want them stay with you for a few weeks/months out of the winter?  This situation might be ideal now but how would you feel a few years from now when you have kids and want to have your own privacy? 

    I agree that this home will never actually be yours.  No matter who the house belongs to.  There are memories in that house that belong to your ILs and this may turn into a bigger headache than it's worth.

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  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    It will never really be your house, no matter whose name is on the deed.  And it'll be compounded by them never thinking of you as adults since you keep living as children, with them and then taking their handouts rather than being self-sufficient.

    well, we're not children for one. just making ends meet while we're there. we'll get our place soon. but it is nice to have IL's to have us there while we're getting stuff taken care of. but you are right, i may never feel like its my own house...but its also not a hand out, just extremely thoughtful people.

  • image ashleym909:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    It will never really be your house, no matter whose name is on the deed.  And it'll be compounded by them never thinking of you as adults since you keep living as children, with them and then taking their handouts rather than being self-sufficient.

    well, we're not children for one. just making ends meet while we're there. we'll get our place soon. but it is nice to have IL's to have us there while we're getting stuff taken care of. but you are right, i may never feel like its my own house...but its also not a hand out, just extremely thoughtful people.


    She said "living as children", not "under 18". You can be legally an adult and still live as a child. And taking handouts (yes, it is a handout to get the house, plain and simple) and depending on parents to support you, is yes, childish behavior. A true adult is self-sufficient-- you and your H are not self-sufficient, and as long as you depend on his parents, the biggest dynamic to your relationship with them WILL be the parent-child one.. which also tends to create the most problems when it comes to boundaries, etc because they will feel they have a right (or even a duty) to interfere in your lives because of what they have provided for you.

    If you do take the house as a "freebie" (i.e. don't buy it and get it in your name), don't ever expect to have privacy. Not in your "home", and not in your relationship. If you don't actually buy a home, it's not ever really yours. So if you don't mind interference from your inlaws and a lack of privacy in your relationship and home life, go right on ahead.

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    Are you serious???
  • This is a conversation that you need to have w/ your FI first, and then w/ them.  I dont' know them - I don't knjow if they would really "let go" of the house or not.  There is nothing I would do or say about this NOW because this is a conversation you need to stop having w/ yourself in your head!
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  • I wouldn't want to be SO completely grateful and REALLY lucky to the in-laws about my housing.  It's just too exhausting. And where I live is too personal.

    In all honesty, if they give you the gift of a house, then they have every right to come and go as they please.  They do.  Not so if you buy a house and live your life as an independent adult.

    Don't kid yourself.

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  • WendyGRWendyGR member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I think it's a really bad idea. I have two really good friends in similar situations, and I'll give you their stories.

    Friend A: Her mom and dad built a brand new home, then her dad took a job 3 hours away. They wanted to keep it in the family, so my friend and her husband decided to buy it. Well, since her other sister and family (with the grandchildren) still live in the area her parents ended up staying the weekend (or a couple of weeks at a time) whenever they felt like it. Even though my friend tried hard to set boundaries, her mom just didn't get it. Every time there was a family gathering, her sister and mom would just assume it was going to be at my friend's house. It definitely drove her nuts until finally a couple of years later her and her husband sold it at a loss even though her parents didn't want her to. They preferred to l live in a crappy apartment (her words, not mine) than live in a beautiful house that didn't feel like theirs. They saved up and did eventually buy a new house but I'll tell you what - she said she wishes she had never bought her parent's house in the first place.

    Friend B: She and her DH bought her ILs house. It wasn't *that* great of a deal but it was somewhat of a good deal. The parents don't drop in like the parents of Friend A but she told me that she always has to deal with criticisms, as in "you guys should keep up the flower garden," "why would you want to paint the living room THAT color" "you should put on a new deck," etc. etc. etc. They've lived there for 3 years now and still don't feel like it's their house.

  • As much as I'd love a mortgage-free house, I'd never accept the gift of a house from family.  There are other costs besides money to consider.

     

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  • thank you all very much for your opinions! this really helped me out and to figure out what's right....thank you! =)

  • rori11rori11 member

    Why don't you purchase the house from your in laws?  My sister and I purchased the house that we grew up in from my parents - she lives there now.  One of the reasons we did this is in CA you have prop. 13 where you can transfer the property taxes from parent to child.  That saves us thousands of dollars a year.  My sister has completely re-done the house (put about $25,000 worth of work into it) and it looks nothing like the house we grew up in.

    We also paid market for it - we just subtracted and split realtor fees, inspections fees, etc.  It was a good deal for the both of us.

  • imoanimoan member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary
    Oh my God... no, it will never be fully your house. I suggest you and your H get your act together and start acting like grown ups and pay your own way in life.
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  • I don't know your IL's, but I would personally never do this. It would never be your own house, and has the risk of being brought up as leverage in arguments.

    I could be totally off-base as far as your particular situation goes, but if I agreed to something like this, I know that this would be the outcome, and I would never want to live like that. It's never actually 'free' when it has that kind of cost to you and your marriage...know what I mean?

  • No doubt they mean well, but you're better off going out on your own with no strings attached.  You'll end up resenting them for coming to stay when they feel like it, and they'll end up resenting you when they realize you want to pull the welcome mat from the door.

    Also they will respect you so much more if get your own place without their help.

  • You are not even married to their son why would they put a house in your name?
  • No way would I do this.  (No way would I live with my in-laws or my parents under any circumstances short of our home burning to the ground and DH and I both losing our jobs simultaneously...and even then I'd probably consider very seriously living in our cars before I moved back into a parent's house.)

    It's a cliche but it's true that people do things for their reasons, not for yours.  I highly doubt your future in-laws are considering giving you a house outright because they're just that generous and don't have any expectations or perameters for this gift.  Sounds like they want to keep the house AND have a new place in Santa Barbara both, and by "giving" it to you, they're getting the best of both worlds.

    At this point it may sound okay to have guests for a few weeks (!) at a time plus hosting holidays, but that's going to get really old really fast.  Do you honestly want to be beholden to them in that way?  Always be at their beck and call for the holidays?  Have them hosting events in their "old" home?  If and when you have children, do you think you'll want to have your in-laws living with you for weeks on end and disrupting your family's schedule and lives?

    If you and your fiance want to write a check to your future in-laws and buy the place after you're married (it's usually not a good idea to buy property together as an unmarried couple because things can get very sticky legally), do that.  Otherwise, this is a "thanks but no thanks" situation.

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  • This really depends on what is important to you.  I can see why people are quick to judge for living with your parents/ILs - but it sounds like a temporary situation, and I think it's great that you have such a good relationship with them.  Some families are extremely close, and people are in and out all the time anyway.  Some families REALLY don't need that "privacy" - not that ILs, etc. popping in and out doesn't get annoying occasionally, but it's not really a problem for them.  Some people (obviously a lot of people on this board) really feel the need to have their own private space where their family can't "invade" them.  There's nothing wrong with that but not everyone feels that way, I just think you and your FI need to really think about how you feel about that, and think through how permanent each option is.  Purchasing a house and having it in your name is good option financially, but it makes it much more permanent if it gets to be too much with the ILs. Just make sure you think through each option.  And if a great opportunity comes along for you and FI to buy a house before the ILs are ready to move out - don't pass it up!

    Last thing - looks like from your ticker there's only a month left till your wedding, so I'm guessing you will be married before you buy anything, but my DH and I bought a house together before we were married (by about 2 months).  If you personally are ready to make the commitment of getting married, you should be ready to make the commitment of buying a house together.  We've been married over a year, love our house, love our marriage, no regrets.

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  • There is a possibility that this could work out wonderfully and everyone will get along and your ILs will be respectful of your privacy.

    But I think that things NOT working out is much more likely.  Do you really want to be tied to your ILs every winter through the holidays?  Even when you guys have kids?  And if your ILs want to come for another few weeks/months during the rest of the year, how would you ever be able to say no to them?  They paid for the house, so I don't think I would ever feel right telling them, "No, now's not a good time to visit."


  • thank you again for everyones advice...84 lauren...thank you for feeling kind of the same way i do...my IL's are wonderful people, would literally give us the house and move away..but (always a but) im also not sure how it'd be when they'd want to come back..id be like, "um, sorry, no....we have plans"..then id feel bad for saying no to them to not come to their (old) house. i wouldnt want them to stay for a long time. id rather buy my own place and doit ourselves actually. even though having a mortgage free house would be nice, but id rather buy our own place. yes we're getting married in a month and we'll be there for the time being..not that im happy about that..but things do happen in life that you cant control sometimes...we will of course have a place of our own very soon. its not like we enjoy living there and cant wait to come home..i cant wait to come home to my own house soon...IL's know and are very aware that we need our place so bad.

    we pull our own weight and pay the bills...ya that sounds pretty much like they're "taking care of us" but for right now its a big help while were getting out stuff in order right now for our place. i think any parent would do that for their kids if they need to. eventually it wont be like that for long, and im glad we'll be alone....but im almost positive that we wouldnt take them up on their offer.

  • Nothing is ever free.
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