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What would you do?

Hi all!  This is my first time posting on the nest.  Have a dilemma which seems to have gotten blown way out of proportion.  Here's the story:

We currently live about 12 hours from my inlaws (4 sibs in law and their spouses/children and parents in law) and in the same town as my parents.  We see my parents about once a month because of crazy work schedules and inlaws about once every 3-4 months.  It's worked OK but not ideal.  Well, fast forward a couple of months-we're relocating to a new city about halfway between both families.  I'm starting a new job and will have 1-2 weekends per month off and work just about every weekday(and that's unfortunately not negotiable).  DH has subsequently invited one brother, spouse and 2 kids for the first month (a long weekend) , his best friend to come up for a long weekend the second month, followed a week later by a trip to his hometown for a family wedding, followed by a visit from his parents several weeks later.  My issues with this are several.  First, and most importantly, no time for us together in this new place, if we're spending every weekend I have free being tour guides.  Second, no time with my family.  Today we talked, and what I was trying to say was I absolutely want his fam to visit, but we're going to be there for at least 3 years-we don't have to cram all visits into the first few months.  He became extremely upset and said if that was how I felt he was going to tell his family never to visit, ever.  Obviously this upset me-I do love his family but would like to spend some of my little free time with him exploring and coming to love our new city.  I tried to make him see that it would bother him if I had people up all the time, and the kicker, he saw nothing wrong with this.  I don't know if he just doesn't understand the value of couple time or if he truly is putting his family above me.  So, my question, do I keep going with the issue and the next time it comes up put my foot down?  Or do I grin and bear it and hope that the constant houseguests go away after the first few months and the novelty of our new town wears off?  What would you do?  I should probably add that we've lived here for 12 years and his family has only come down about 3 times during that time, so there is some chance this will go away on its own.  But then again, our new location is much, much more of a tourist attraction.

Thanks!

Re: What would you do?

  • IMO, you have plenty of time to explore your new city. ?Don't fight this battle. ?Let him have his way. ?You've seen your fam way more than his in the last 12 years. ?I think you should snuggle up to DH and tell him you're sorry and you were wrong. ?
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  • I don't think I was very clear on the time factor-I work about 80-100 hours a week, so many times the one weekend to two weekends I have off a month are the only time I have to spend with my husband.  I hate for that to get taken up by his family-I would just like it if for example his friend came on a weekend I was working anyway and that way our one weekend of "us" time would be free.

  • I think you should propose the idea of his friends coming on the weekends that you work(he can have more guy time, blah blah blah). ?Then his family can visit when you both have a free weekend. ?I think that is a great compromise. ?

    I also think that having a weekend to yourselves also needs to be taken into account...and is important to your sanity as well as to your marriage.?

  • image kmlluvnmh:

    I think you should propose the idea of his friends coming on the weekends that you work(he can have more guy time, blah blah blah).  Then his family can visit when you both have a free weekend.  I think that is a great compromise.  

    I agree with this. Although in my case I'd prefer spending time with the friends on the weekends I have off!

  • I would put your foot down and say you work too hard to spend the weekends playing "tour guide" - at least for now.  Tell him you're glad he wants his family to visit, but he should schedule the visits on the weekends you are working.  Presumably, you will be able to meet up with them for dinner or breakfast before/after having dinner.

    If your dh says "fine! then I won't have my family over - EVER!" tell him "That is YOUR choice.  I told you that your family is free to visit, but not on my weekends off, unless I we discuss it several weeks beforehand to make sure I have a light week the week before.  If you don't want to invite them, remember that is your choice, not mine." 

    Your dh knows its a lot of work to host, which is why he doesn't want to do it all by himself.  I have a feeling that once HE is "in charge" of making sure your home is nice, there's food and plans to go out, you'll see a lot fewer scheduled weekends.

  • Having moved to a new city where we lived for 3 years, I'm going to go w/ the first poster.  this is all new and exciting (I assume) for your DH.  A new town, a new place to live - he's excited. AND he's also closer to his family now.  So his response is to try and share this w/ his friends and family.

    My prediction? It will wear off.  Especially when the true reality of never seeing you or spending time w/ you sinks in too. 

    The first year DH and I lived in Atlanta, we had a TON of visitors.  A TON.  Not every weekend, granted.  But at least once a month, someone was coming to visit us.  But after that first year, the visitors dropped of significantly. 

    Now- I dont' want to scare you. I don't think this is going to go on for a year!  At the point we moved, many of our friends loved the idea of 10 hour roadtrips and would love to come down for a weekend to see us.  It was a combination of age, few responsibilities, and just who our friends are. 

    But I do believe that he's booking up all these visitors right after you move but that it WILL stop.  I say just roll w/ it for the first 2 or 3 months.  And dont' bend over backwards.  If visitors are coming to town and he's making a ton of plans, but your'e exhausted and want to sleep in and not go out- then DO IT.  He complains?  W/o making it an "I told you so" kind of thing, gently "remind" him that you have a busy schedule and you can't commit all your free time to visitors.   I think the gentler and more subtle you are about it (about your lack of time, your lack of seeing him), the more of an impact it will actually make. 

    If it does come to a head - he's upset you aren't doing more w/ him/them, or what have you, then you VERY gently say "This was my concern at the start.  You know what my schedule is like and how busy I am.  I was afraid that visitors every free weekend would be too much for me, and it is.  I am thrilled to see people and to have them come and visit, but when it's every free weekend - the result of that is that I'm going to be too exhausted to always be "on" for them.  If we were to spread out the visits, I will have more energy.".  Basically - lay out the consequences of his choices.  Again - not in an angry, "I told you so" way - but in a matter of fact, "here is the reality" way.

    I just think he needs to live the reality of it to really understand where you're comign from.

    Oh, and I do have to ditto the other poster- a good compromise could be for him to have his friends visit when you are working.

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    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • First, did he just plan all of these things or did he talk to you about it before hand?

    If he just planned these events without talking to you I would be pretty upset.  I would tell him that "I appreciate that you are excited about the new house and want all your friends and family to come and visit, but you really need to talk to me before you invite anyone to stay over at our home."   In the end I wouldn't tell him that they couldn't come, but I would make it absolutely clear that it is not acceptable for him to do this without consulting me again.  And if it does happen again definitely put your foot down. 

    You also don't have to act as a tour guide.  That is your husband's responsibility because they are his guests.  If you want to tag along that is great, but I wouldn't lift a finger to plan any events during these weekends.  If he asks why, remind him that he invited these people without consulting you and you assumed that he would be handling all of the arrangements. 

    As far as the time with your family.... let it go.  You have spent significantly more time with your family in the past, and it is time for that to even out a bit. 

    And your husband is a bit of a drama king... he really said that he was never going to invite his family any more?  Wow.  Did you tell him he was acting like a teenage girl?  I would have... even though I know it would have caused a fight.  I just can't believe a grown man would say something like that...

  • From the sound of yoru post you seem really willing to compromise, so I say make your DH jump on that bandwagon. If you have 2 free weekends each month, then ONE of those 2 can be set aside for people to come visit with you guys. If they want to come in on the weekends you work then fine, they just need to understand you can't play houseguest, and if that's something they can't deal with then they'll just have to wait until you have a free weekend. As far as that 2nd free weekend each month, you and your DH need to spend it together. If he's really ok with not ever seeing you (even if it's "just for those first few months in the new home") then you have bigger problems going on. He should want to spend at least one weekend a month with you, that shouldn't be too much to ask of your spouse.
  • You said you were moving half way between both sets of parents...Well if you live 12 hours from his parents now then that would be 6 hours to either family now....That is a long distance still, IMO....You will need time with each other...I think thats kind of silly that you are making plans so far in advance....These are new jobs and really don't know how they are going to go what happens if they ask to work or change weekends.....

    I think that you need to get settled and then once you have a routine going in your new home and enviroment then work out your free time....

    Since you have seen your family more often than his I can see his point of view to make some extra time for them at first...not saying you should not see your family...

    Good luck with your move...

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  • Your husband sounds like a petulant child.
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  • Honestly, your H sounds kind of reactionary and unreasonable. It's not as if you said 'No' to his family and friends visiting. You just wanted to have a discussion about it and maybe have the visits more spread out and manageable...what's wrong with that? It's your home, too, so I really don't understand why it couldn't be more of a discussion between you guys, instead of him being dramatic about it.

  • I can see both sides. 

    It really does sound like your DH is excited and wants to show off your new place and your new city, in addition to wanting to see his family/friends. 

    On the other hand, I also work a lot, so I am very possessive of my free time, and I can't stand packing the weekends full of activity.   

    So, I think you need to compromise.   Sit  him down and say that you understand that he's excited for visitors, but that you also want to not overextend yourself at your new job.   So, see if he can schedule some of the visits on the weekends you work.   You can still hang out, but it would be for dinner or at night (or whenever you'd be available).   

  • Since one visit is from a friend (that could be re-scheduled on a weekend you work) and one is a wedding out-of-town, you really are just having two visits from his family.  It sounds like you are overreacting a bit to just two visits.

    I understand that working your enormously large hours will limit your time with your husband, but isn't that your choice?  Is this your only work option?  Is your work schedule temporary?  My DH would complain greatly if I gave 80 - 100 hours a week to my job and so little to him and our personal life.  Unless you've been working this schedule all along, my guess is that your DH will next complain about that! 

  • First, if these invitations have been issued before you discussed and agreed as a couple .. then your first order of business is to establish that you discuss and agree together ... and THEN accept or offer invites. I hope at least THAT has been made clear.

    Second, he made these invites for your weekends off?  That's pretty ballsy.  Is this how you want ot spend your time off?  He just assumed you wanted to play hostess. And when you complain he pouts shouting "Fine! I am going to tell my family to never visit, ever!".  Hey buddy, stop being such a bully. 

    Look, he made these plans, he can host.  If he doesn't want couple time, then it doesn't mean you have to run yourself around with all of these adults and children.  Is he going to do al lof the shopping and prep work to get the house ready?  Is he cleaning up after everyone? Or are magic fairies going to do it for y'alls? 

    It's work to host.  So feel free to tell him that it's HIS work to handle.  And then take a step back and watch him do it.

    And feel free to check out your new, fabulous town on your own. Or grab one of your visitors.  Give a wave and a smile and say "Hey, its my first day off in ages ... I've been looking forward to this forever.  Bye!"

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  • image wildcat99:

    Today we talked, and what I was trying to say was I absolutely want his fam to visit, but we're going to be there for at least 3 years-we don't have to cram all visits into the first few months.? He became extremely upset and said if that was how I felt he was going to tell his family never to visit, ever. ?

    IMHO, that's the real problem here. ?That's a major overreaction, and it's inappropriate for a grown person to pull that kind of attitude in an adult conversation. ?My advice- don't let it distract you from the issue at hand. ?I generally respond to statements like that by (gently, but honestly) pointing it out- "Hey, that's a big overreaction. ?Let's get back to this conversation later when we're both ready to discuss it." ?And then stop conversing about it until he's calmed down and stopped pouting- don't get sucked into a "I'm ready to discuss this now! You obviously hate my family... (etc.etc.)" ?Don't engage. ?Nothing good will come out of a discussion where one party is upset and pulling a my-way-or-no-way. ?

    Second- a few questions: did he make those plans without consulting you? Was he planning on doing the lion's share of shopping/ cleaning/ prepping/ hosting before and during the visits? Is this work schedule new to you guys- as in, are you both used to working 40 hours a week each, and he's not anticipating how exhausted you'll be or how little together time you'll have after putting in more hours at the new job? Has the issue "I need downtime" vs. "Having friends/ family over IS downtime" come up before? Have a good discussion about precisely what the issue is, and come out of it with a plan- do you guys need to always discuss houseguests before inviting them? Only have a max of one "hosting" weekend a month? Does the person who made the invitation need to be the one who does the bulk of the hosting work? What works for both of you??

  • image mob2006:

    Since one visit is from a friend (that could be re-scheduled on a weekend you work) and one is a wedding out-of-town, you really are just having two visits from his family.  It sounds like you are overreacting a bit to just two visits.

    I understand that working your enormously large hours will limit your time with your husband, but isn't that your choice?  Is this your only work option?  Is your work schedule temporary?  My DH would complain greatly if I gave 80 - 100 hours a week to my job and so little to him and our personal life.  Unless you've been working this schedule all along, my guess is that your DH will next complain about that! 

    Wow-pretty harsh towards working women.  I am a physician finishing up my training, so yes it is a choice but it's also a choice I've spent 15 years working towards.  Men in banking, medicine, etc do the same and their wives are expected to put up with it, so don't give me "you shouldn't be working that much."

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