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Not sure what to think or do

To make a long story short, my ex-BF and I split approx 3 years ago after I had found out that he was seeing his now fiance while we were still together.  Three years go by with no problem except for the few months after we have broken up.  I met a great guy that I am now engaged to and have a beautiful DD.

Now to the point...While at work last week the ex's fiance walks into my office at work to meet with my officemate.  I think we were both shocked to see each other.  He was my "first" and we ahd talked about getting married and she hates me obviously because I am the ex.  All in all it was a very awkward situation.

Ever since that run in last week I keep thinking of dates we ahd had in the past and the sweet things he used to do.  I find myself missing that instead of remembering how crappy he made me feel by cheating.  I'm confused because my fiance and I have a good relationship, so why am I thinking about the ex? I'm pissed that after 3 years that thoughts of him would even come back.

 How would you move forward.  I need to realize that what happened is in the past, the ex did cheat, and stop thinking about the old days.  Any advice is welcome even a swift kick to knock some sense into me.

Re: Not sure what to think or do

  • As time passes, we have a tendency to forget the bad times and romanticize the good times. Anyone who's ever broken up with someone, got back together, and had the moment when you go "A-ha! Now I remember why we broke up in the first place" understands this.

    What you're experiencing is pretty normal. When those thoughts creep into your mind, focus on all the good things you have right now, and remember, you broke up with him for a reason.

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  • Ditto susie.  I do this w/ friends too! It's easy to forget the bad and rememeber the good.  To a degree, I think it's a great defense mechanism and it also allows us to remember our past in a better light.

    But right now, you just need to remind yourself of the crap he did too!

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Thank you ladies, I just felt so guilty for thinking about the good times I had with him while I have a great FI who wants to be with me and hasn't cheated.  I just wish I could shut off these feelings. 
  • You probably can't shut them off, but that doesn't mean you have to act on any of these feelings.  I think fondly of many of my ex's, and I know that my husband does too.  That doesn't mean that we want to be with our ex's, but we both understand that these people played a significant role in our lives and that we gained a lot from being in a relationship with those people.  

    You were just forced into a situation where you had to deal with the past, and it is still new.  These thoughts will fade.  If you want to help the process you can write down a list of all the reasons why you and the ex are no longer together and review that every time you start thinking about it.  You can also focus on the good things you have right now in your life every time your mind begins to wander.  If you remember the time that you and ex went to dinner at that nice restaurant, try to think about the time you and current FI went for a picnic at the park.

  • I think its normal for something to triger the feels and thoughts back from an old ex...Its ok as long as its only thoughts and you don't attempt to contact him (I am sure you won't) but I am sure as time goes by those thoughts will end and you will forget about it. If I were you I wouldn't mention this to your FI..
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  • Ditto all PPs. 

    I think everyone has those moments where they look back on the soft, fuzzy memories of the past.   What I do is consciously focus on all of the crap that the ex did that hurt me.  Your ex cheated on you, no?  Use that to make you remember why you guys didn't work out.

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  • "she hates me, obviously" ... ???.. why does she obviously hate you after 3 years?

    You had a serious boyfriend in your early twenties and it ended badly.  This girl helped the demise of your relationship by being the one with whom your BF cheated.  Then they went on to have a stable relationship of their own.  Why she has to hate you .. or if she did, why she has to continue hating you is not clear to me. Not at all.

    I point that out because you start by being VERY dramatic about these people and the whole situation .. and just spiral down from there.  You got a little shock .. and a jolt of remebering.  You can remember all of the good times, the sweet times ... and remember all of it with ithe innocence and hope youth.

    Just don't do anything about it.  Let it pass.  And it will pass.  Don't act on it with frenzied calls to the ex, deperate to see him and "sort out" these feelings.  Don't put this baggage on your now-FI's door.  Just think about it and then let it go. You may evenhave th mourn the demise of the relationship all over again.  But do yourself a favor and MOURN it.  Becuase it is sooooo over.

    Anyway, it doesn't have to be so emotional and dramatic.  You can certainly stop "hating" the girl and expecting she "hates" you.  You still sound very raw.  Maybe its time ot heal a bit.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • To livinitup, I guess I did appear kind of dramatic.  I don't hate her at all now. Right after this all happened I did,then realized that he was the one who chose to cheat, yes she went along with it knowing we were dating but I feel like it's more his fault if that makes any sense.  I assume she hates me based off of her reaction with a few run in's we have had.  She has just been cold and quite snarky. 

    I have not said anything to FI and don;t plan on it.  I took a PP's advice and made a list of why we broke up and what didn't work in the relationship.  I was just confused as to why I would have these feelings after so many years.  Ex and I were very serious until the end and I think this may be why it seemed so fresh.  He was my first true love and I never expected it to end.  We had talked about marriage etc... so I was floored when this all happened and seeing her again made it fresh again.

     I was just seeking advice on how to get past these feelings.  I am too embarrased to talk to any IRL friends about this and nesties have offered great afvice in the past.

  • I feel this way about some of my ex-boyfriends at times. I do think about WHY we broke up and why it didn't work out. But honestly, I don't try to block out all the good memories.  It's over, and I remind myself I'm happy with where I am now. But that doesn't mean I can't remember them fondly.

    I do not, however, share these reminisces with my husband or with them. I would only worry if I found myself obsessing. It's OK to remember the good times.

  • If she's been snarky in the past it's probably because her FI (your ex) said negative things about you to her in the early days of their relationship.  At a very minimum, I'm sure he portrayed how happy he was to ditch you and be with her.

    He probably felt he had to exaggerate what a rotten person you are so that his cheating on you would be justified.  He would not have wanted to risk his new girlfriend just thinking he was the cheating type.  But he probably felt it was okay to cheat on someone who was not a great girlfriend.

    You are probably projecting a lot of your disappointment and hostility about him and the breakup onto her.  Let it go.

  • You have a daughter with a great guy who wants to marry you. It's that simple.

    Don't let memories cloud your vision for your future with your family. The ex sounds like a jerk and he might get a rise if knew you were thinking about him. People like that love stirring the pot. Don't let it stir you!

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  • The Beatles have a great song for this feeling: In my life.  Listen to it and cry that you have found someone you love more.
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  • When I see any of my ex's.. I make a point of smiling & asking how they are. Listening to them quickly reminds me of exactly why we are not together & I don't have to bother with any of the 'fond' memories.
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