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Why do I feel bad about asking him to stop?

Recently I discovered that DH is into porn, meanning he watches it, jerks off then turns it off.  Being that I'm 7 1/2 months preggo, I obviously do not likes this because it makes me feel a bit inadequate. So after talking to him about this and him asking me what do I need him to do  to feel confident in how he feels about me (he says he does not watch in to replace me, just as stimulation when I'm not around) I asked him to just leave the fvck alone, stop watching it period - there shouldn't be a need for it.  He agreed and said he will stop.

But why is it that I feel bad about it? Like I'm restricting him from something that he likes and we obviously have different feelings about it?

Re: Why do I feel bad about asking him to stop?

  • Becuase you really want him to not want to watch porn .. not just not do it for your sake.
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Did you guys ever discuss porn before you were married? If you told him you were okay with it before and have suddenly changed your mind, then I could see why you'd feel a bit guilty given the flip-flop.

    It sounds like it's not a big deal to him though, since he readily agreed he wouldn't do it. You may just feel bad because you don't feel like you're giving him what he needs and somehow depriving him. While it's understandable you'd feel that way, it's not really rational at this point. I could see it being justified if you forbid him from masturbating, but that's not what happened.

    I can't really tell you how to move past your guilt, besides just telling yourself whenever you start to feel bad that you made a reasonable request and he obviously cares more about you and respecting you, than pornography. 

    image
    Are you serious???
  • Because you're brainwashed to think you should be "the cool wife" and accept these things?  I don't know.  I do think that if you're sacrificing your body and body image for something you both want, then the least he can do is lay off the damn porn.
  • image panama389:

    But why is it that I feel bad about it? Like I'm restricting him from something that he likes and we obviously have different feelings about it?

    Well, you ARE restricting him from something he likes. However, it sounds like he agreed to it without any argument or sulking so that's good. If he's okay with stopping, which he said he was, I don't think you should worry about it or feel badly.

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • Well, he can still masturbate, and instead of looking at porn he'll just have to use his imagination. ?I'd almost prefer nameless faces and bodies over encouraging him to let his imagination run wild, but that is your call. ?
  • I pretty much agree with Olivia. I'd rather a stranger. And men function like this more visually then mentally. While women generally are more mental about these things, men tend to go with actual visuals. Just a stat.

     But if he didn't balk or sulk about giving it up.... see how he does with it. 

  • Here we go again... Guys like visual stimulation.

    It has nothing at all to do with you.

     However, if porn interferes with your marriage, your sex life or your H needs to watch it to get turned on and also to perform, you've got a problem. Ditto if he's spending lots of money on pay per view porn sites or if he's watching porn pretty much all of his free time. 

     

  • You may not feel comfortable with this - but have you considered making some risque photos of your own? Especially now, while you're pg, if you and you H tried this together, it could boost your self esteem and leave you feeling confident that, when he does want to polish one off, he's doing it to your image
  • It doesn't always feel good to tell someone to stop something that they enjoy.

     

  • You say that a lot, Tarpon, but did you know that recent studies indicate that of the two sexes, women are the more easily aroused by visual stimulation alone?
  • Men are more easily stimulated overall - visually and physically. Whereas for women it's mentally and emotionally driven

    looking at porn while you masturbate, well that's covers their two favorite forms of sexual stimulation. ?

    ?

  • People say that, and report that when asked, but when physiological signs of arousal are monitored rather than relying on the person to say that/when they're aroused, it turns out not to be true.
  • I guess I'd gauge it by what a person says they're stimulated by in addition to their habits. In OP H's case - he seems to be stimulated by racy pictures and masturbation?

  • image LongLiveKuus:
    People say that, and report that when asked, but when physiological signs of arousal are monitored rather than relying on the person to say that/when they're aroused, it turns out not to be true.

    From what I've read on studies about arousal, men do get aroused quicker and are more visually stimulated than women. 

    If you've read studies that are contrary to this, I'd really be interested in seeing it. So any links or whatever would be appreciated.

    image
    Are you serious???
  • But why is it that I feel bad about it? Like I'm restricting him from something that he likes and we obviously have different feelings about it?

    You did and that is why  you feel bad.



  • image sapphireblue:
    image panama389:

    But why is it that I feel bad about it? Like I'm restricting him from something that he likes and we obviously have different feelings about it?

    Well, you ARE restricting him from something he likes. However, it sounds like he agreed to it without any argument or sulking so that's good. If he's okay with stopping, which he said he was, I don't think you should worry about it or feel badly.

    Yeah, ditto this. I think it's a bit lame to feel threatened by pornography, personally, but you do and he is willing to give it up so you can feel better about yourself. That is the kind of thing a good husband does.  So just accept that you ARE making him give up something he likes, be happy you have a good relationship, and move on.
  • Honestly, I'd be pretty irritated if I were your DH.    Porn is not a replacement for you.   Sure, he could use his imagination instead, but it may be easier/more enjoyable/quicker to just watch the porn and get it over with (when you're not around). 

    I guess my DH and I are the opposite.   I actually like porn.  Sometimes I use it to take care of business when DH is out of town, or if he's asleep or whatever.   It's not a substitute for him, but if I'm feeling it and he's not around, why shouldn't I?    I certainly don't compare my DH to the guys in the movies.   He's way better looking and has a better body.   In fact, most guys in the films look kind of creepy.   I'd be pretty upset if my DH told me what I could and could not do.   

    Plus, it sounds like this has nothing to do with your fundamental views on pornography, merely that it's just an insecurity thing.    So, it boils down to jealousy, which is never an attractive quality (more so than being hugely pregnant, actually). 

  • image LovelyMissNikki:

    image LongLiveKuus:
    People say that, and report that when asked, but when physiological signs of arousal are monitored rather than relying on the person to say that/when they're aroused, it turns out not to be true.

    From what I've read on studies about arousal, men do get aroused quicker and are more visually stimulated than women. 

    If you've read studies that are contrary to this, I'd really be interested in seeing it. So any links or whatever would be appreciated.

    This NYT article confirms what Kuus posted.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html

    However, when I posted the article on TIP, I thought Kuus said it was a bunch of crap? 

  • None if it is real science, true.  But at least they tried.
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