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hubby with a crush

So, there doesn't seem to be much trouble on Trouble in Paradise, so I thought I would come here.

 I suspect - in fact, I'm pretty sure that my DH has a crush on someone he works with. He has a pretty crappy work environment and is usually stressed out and would have quit by now if he could. So, I think it's kind of an alliance at work that just... developed for him. 

I'm not really worried that he'll do anything.... I guess I'm just a little insecure about it. I've been having a hard time in life in general right now making me a little high-maintenance too, so I think it also has to do with this other chick appearing less complicated from a distance.

 He denies it, of course. 

 Any advice? 

 I've been trying to make home life more about him and to take care of him a little more - take the reigns to try and make sure he is more taken care of than I have been. It's been all about me, and I think he feels alone. 

 So... 
Advice would be awesome.

Re: hubby with a crush

  • when you say crush, what does that mean? and how do you know about it?

    i ask because i've had "crushes" since i've been w/ dh.  from a perspective of "i think bob is attractive and he's a really nice guy.  i enjoy our friendship and if i wasn't w/ dh, i would be interested in bob.",

    being married doesn't mean you're never going to find other people attractive.

    however, is there more to the story?

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  • No, I don't think there's more to the story. I just think it's like you said. And he seems like maybe he's a little flirtatious. But he has said before that he LOVES being married because you can be friends with women and be oblivious because he's married and obviously nothing is going anywhere. So... I don't know if he's being flirtatious or just being free because he's not thinking.

     He just talks about her a lot, sounds like he likes her, and when we were hanging out with some of his co-workers he seemed really excited to see her, etc. 

     I don't remember if I mentioned it in my first post, but I am NOT worried about him doing anything in this arena. I'm just a little insecure about it, which might be why he denied it. 

  • Didn't you post this on TIP about a week ago? If I remember you were given some good advice. Guess you didn't like it so you went some were else.
  • but I am NOT worried about him doing anything in this arena. I'm just a little insecure about it, which might be why he denied it.

    OK unconfuse me please...please tell me the difference between worrying about it and being insecure about it?



  • image magsugar13:

    but I am NOT worried about him doing anything in this arena. I'm just a little insecure about it, which might be why he denied it.

    OK unconfuse me please...please tell me the difference between worrying about it and being insecure about it?

    ok, whew, I'm glad I'm not the only one who was trying to figure out the difference lol! Methinks if the OP wasn't worried, this wouldn't have been posted...again.

  • You should probably pick up a copy of "Not Just Friends".  It will be a good resource for both you and your H and details that affairs can be emotional, too.
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  • I agree with ECB.   Crushes are normal, AS LONG AS they are maintained within boundaries.    What does that mean?   That means there is no one on one hanging out, no out of office regular communication (e.g. text messaging each other, chatting on the phone several times a week, etc).  

     I call these mini-crushes.   It's more of a realization that you like the other person as a person, maybe you find them attractive, and if you were single you'd be interested.    But, you have to recognize the potential for temptation.   Which is why I think it's best to avoid mini-crushes like the plague.   You resist temptation by not having contact with them outside work.  They are very easy to turn into emotional affairs.   

    I think you should just be 100% honest with him.  Don't be confrontational or passive aggressive (for example, here's an approach I think wouldn't work, "so, do you find Jane attractive?   Do you think she's prettier than me?  If you were single, would you want to date her?   etc.)   I would just say, "Look, you talk about Jane an awful lot.   I trust you.   I trust that you would never start an inappropriate relationship with her, but I want to make sure we're on the same page with regards to what would be appropriate or not."  

    But, I don't think taking "better care of him" does anything.   A man is going to cheat, or he's not.    If your DH is going to cheat, you could wipe his bum every night with golden toilet paper and he's still going to cheat.    So, if you think he's turning to this other woman because you've been acting a certain way, I think you should address this in counseling or something.   At the very least, you should get counseling for yourself because it sounds like you have issues that need worked on. 

     

  • I did. I didn't get a lot of advice about it other than talk to him, which I did, when he denied it. So I thought I would try for more.

     It's a quantity not quality thing. 

     As for the difference between being worried about him taking action to being insecure....

     I guess I mean, I'm not worried he's actually going to do anything, but I'm insecure about what it reflects onto what he feels about me? Does that make more sense?

  • FYI: 

    Here is the OP from TIP

     

  • I agree with donny.  I also don't think that it's only actions that matter - when you have feelings for someone else, your SO can feel the loss of your attention and excitement, even if you never act on anything.

    I don't know what to tell you.  If you were the person with the crush, I'd have advice, but as it stands, there's not much you can do other than what has already been suggested.

  • image jennintrouble:
    I guess I mean, I'm not worried he's actually going to do anything, but I'm insecure about what it reflects onto what he feels about me? Does that make more sense?

    That makes sense, but it's also insecurity.

    I would address it how Donny suggested and then go from there. 

  • LOL. The butt-wiping has more to do with the fact that I KNOW I have been the center of attention around the house for a while now. It's just been... I guess brought to my attention because of this? I know I don't treat him with as much attention as I used to any more than he does to me.

     They haven't done any one on one outside of work. I would have already jumped on that, I can promise you! I told him, "I'm a little jealous, cuz I think you have a crush on someone at work." He said he didn't and asked me if I was worried about it like something was going on. Seemed a little offended. I assured him that, no, I wasn't, I just wanted to know, but I knew he wouldn't cheat on me. 

     As far as I know the only contact they really have is at work and at these Friday night b!tch-fests that he and all his co-workers take (I'm usually invited and go too).

     So, I'm probably just being over-concerned and overly-sensitive, but I just wanted someone to relate with me on it. 

  • No, like I said, you're not being overly concerned. I'd say it sounds like you have a reasonable amount of concern for the situation.
  • image donnycornelius:

    But, I don't think taking "better care of him" does anything.   A man is going to cheat, or he's not.    If your DH is going to cheat, you could wipe his bum every night with golden toilet paper and he's still going to cheat.    So, if you think he's turning to this other woman because you've been acting a certain way, I think you should address this in counseling or something.   At the very least, you should get counseling for yourself because it sounds like you have issues that need worked on. 

     

    Donny, I don't know...  Isn't lack of emotional fulfillment one of the biggest reasons people cheat?  She's the center of attention at home, which correlates to his needs may be getting over-looked. 

    Just a thought.

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  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    Well, I do think that if you have been overlooking your dh's needs, it's as good a wake-up call as any.  I think taking care of him is a good idea, but also making some couple time - going for walks together, coffee, etc.....or making plans to rent a movie and watch it on tv. (obviously date night is the classic example, but you don't need to spend a lot of money and pull out all the stops).  

    I would also ask him about work, not to find out what is happening with his crush, but because he should feel that he can talk to you about his stress at work, not avoid discussing work issues with you "because you don't understand" or "because it will only upset you." 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I think you are just over reacting. Why oh why would your H be attacted to anyone but you? He knows he has a good thing at home after all everything at home revolves around his needs. He would just be silly to think it could get any better. I wouldn't worry that woman is probably an ugly old maid anyway.
  • So you're feeling insecure because you don't feel like you've 'got it going on' and maybe she does. 

    I don't know what to tell you other than to trust your H, assuming he's trust-worthy.

  • That's more or less what this has been. A wake up call. That "Oh my god, I've been taking him for total granted!" 

    He told me the other day that he holds back a little from telling me everything about work because he doesn't want to stress me out more than I already am (I'm about to get laid off, probably in June). I told him that I'm adjusting to the idea of getting laid off and just doing my best to find another job and that I'm handling it better (all true) and that I want him to come home and if he has anything he needs to talk about to just lay it on me.

     Besides, once I leave work I really don't want to even THINK about it. So I don't really have much to tell him about my day so he has time to share his with me. 

     I apologized last night for all the time that has been devoted to my problems and that I'm sure it made him feel very alone, but that I am going to try and do better about that. He said he didn't feel that way, but I'm sure it was just to not make me feel guilty. 

    The good news is he got a call from another place last night that he might be able to go work for. This is fabulous!!! And not just because of the crush, I'm sure someone here is thinking that. He seriously HATES where he works. He's been going back and forth between careers trying to find something he can be happy doing and I think if he got into a better environment he could really enjoy this. He thinks so too. So... this may be a small light at the end of the tunnel. 

    Everyone cross your fingers. 

  • image Geek_Girl:
    image donnycornelius:

    But, I don't think taking "better care of him" does anything.   A man is going to cheat, or he's not.    If your DH is going to cheat, you could wipe his bum every night with golden toilet paper and he's still going to cheat.    So, if you think he's turning to this other woman because you've been acting a certain way, I think you should address this in counseling or something.   At the very least, you should get counseling for yourself because it sounds like you have issues that need worked on. 

     

    Donny, I don't know...  Isn't lack of emotional fulfillment one of the biggest reasons people cheat?  She's the center of attention at home, which correlates to his needs may be getting over-looked. 

    Just a thought.

    No, I don't think so.    I mean, I do think lack of emotional fulfillment is a big reason people cheat, but I think a "non-cheater" will still not cheat, no matter what the circumstances.  

    I consider myself a non-cheater.  Under no circumstances would I cheat on my DH.   He could beat me to a bloody pulp every night, but I still wouldn't cheat.   (I'd divorce him and do whatever I could to get him thrown in jail, but I wouldn't cheat).    I think it's wrong, and no set of conditions could justify me doing something I consider to be fundamentally wrong.   So, in a nutshell, non-cheaters are so opposed to infidelity they will leave the relationship before they do something they consider to be morally unforgiveable.    

     

  • image Lhalsey315:
    Didn't you post this on TIP about a week ago? If I remember you were given some good advice. Guess you didn't like it so you went some were else.
    I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT.....POST ON ALL THE BOARDS...AUGH?!?!?!?
  • Wow, I got like 4 responses on TIP so I tried a different board. I didn't post everywhere. Chill.
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