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F/U: I need to get this out

Here is my original post:  http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/10349176.aspx

So I decided to stick with marriage counseling for a while. We've been going every week. We haven't been fighting as much but I think that is mostly we have counselors to be accountable to. I think we have a lot to fight about but we are both trying not to fight. DH's individual counselor won't see him anymore, he kept missing sessions or calling her 30 min before to reschedule. So he hasn't been to counseling on his own in 2 months and we owe a bunch on money to her for missed sessions. I've been going to individual counseling every week.

He has been making a on again off again effort to help around the house, take some responsibility for himself, and he has been trying to be nicer and more aware of his actions and words.

Despite his efforts I just don't feel like anything has changed much. One of the few fights we've had was him feeling that I haven't noticed that he has changed. But I can't say "oh, yes you've changed so much" for just some on and off efforts for a month and a half.

I feel like I have to keep trying to make this work, but the truth is that I am unhappy. Which just makes me feel bad that I can't just be grateful that he is making an effort for me.

 I keep having this reoccurring dream that DH is gone from my life and that I get back into school, I find a great roommate, and I buy a cat to keep me warm at night. I am doing all of these activities that I have always wanted to do. I am so happy that I am doing things that I want to do and need to do for myself. That my life is just the way it needs to be, in this dream though I am very aware that DH isn't there and that I don't want him there. I wake up realizing that it is a dream and I just feel so irritated with DH who is just snoring away next to me.

I feel like I am just being this selfish person who wants everything their way. I just really want to accomplish goals but I for some reason can't picture myself doing any of these things with him in my life.

I have set a timeline I plan to continue to make an effort to work on problems between us until June. If I don't see any real changes and don't feel like things are reasonably getting better then I am going to ask DH to move out. I have realized as well that I am afraid of feeling like I failed and feeling alone which I think has been holding me back a bit. I don't know where I could find the courage to ask DH to leave.

I'm honestly not very optimistic that we will figure things out and DH actually told me that he isn't either. (He did however try asking me when we were going to try to have a baby again in the same conversation. I told him not until we figure out our issues.) But as I said before I feel like I have to try, if nothing else I can say I did that. The truth is that I don't really like my DH as a person in general anymore. The more I see who he really is the more angry I am with him and with myself for putting myself in this situation. I really just want to be alone. But although I don't necessarily like him I do care about him and don't want to hurt him.

So really have a few questions. If you don't like someone, is it even possible to like them again? If not, should I keep trying until June or should I just find the courage to ask him to go now? I really am confused. Any other advice is appreciated.

So I decided to stick with marriage counseling for a while. We've been going every week. We haven't been fighting as much but I think that is mostly we have counselors to be accountable to. I think we have a lot to fight about but we are both trying not to fight. DH's individual counselor won't see him anymore, he kept missing sessions or calling her 30 min before to reschedule. So he hasn't been to counseling on his own in 2 months and we owe a bunch on money to her for missed sessions. I've been going to individual counseling every week.

He has been making a on again off again effort to help around the house, take some responsibility for himself, and he has been trying to be nicer and more aware of his actions and words.

Despite his efforts I just don't feel like anything has changed much. One of the few fights we've had was him feeling that I haven't noticed that he has changed. But I can't say "oh, yes you've changed so much" for just some on and off efforts for a month and a half.

I feel like I have to keep trying to make this work, but the truth is that I am unhappy. Which just makes me feel bad that I can't just be grateful that he is making an effort for me.

 I keep having this reoccurring dream that DH is gone from my life and that I get back into school, I find a great roommate, and I buy a cat to keep me warm at night. I am doing all of these activities that I have always wanted to do. I am so happy that I am doing things that I want to do and need to do for myself. That my life is just the way it needs to be, in this dream though I am very aware that DH isn't there and that I don't want him there. I wake up realizing that it is a dream and I just feel so irritated with DH who is just snoring away next to me.

I feel like I am just being this selfish person who wants everything their way. I just really want to accomplish goals but I for some reason can't picture myself doing any of these things with him in my life.

I have set a timeline I plan to continue to make an effort to work on problems between us until June. If I don't see any real changes and don't feel like things are reasonably getting better then I am going to ask DH to move out. I have realized as well that I am afraid of feeling like I failed and feeling alone which I think has been holding me back a bit. I don't know where I could find the courage to ask DH to leave.

I'm honestly not very optimistic that we will figure things out and DH actually told me that he isn't either. (He did however try asking me when we were going to try to have a baby again in the same conversation. I told him not until we figure out our issues.) But as I said before I feel like I have to try, if nothing else I can say I did that. The truth is that I don't really like my DH as a person in general anymore. The more I see who he really is the more angry I am with him and with myself for putting myself in this situation. I really just want to be alone. But although I don't necessarily like him I do care about him and don't want to hurt him.

So really have a few questions. If you don't like someone, is it even possible to like them again? If not, should I keep trying until June or should I just find the courage to ask him to go now? How do I find the courage to ask him to leave? I really am confused. Any other advice is appreciated.

Re: F/U: I need to get this out

  • Look.  You don't need anyone's approval to be done with this.  No one is going to mark this down on your permanent record.  Just be honest with yourself:  you want out.  So make a plan and get out.  Your H will get over it since he clearly isn't enthused to be in your relationship anyway.  Your family will still love you.  Your friends will figure it out.  Go to school. Get a roommate. Get a cat.  So...get off your ass and get a lawyer and just start your new plan.  If you start now, you could be in school by Aug for the fall semester.
  • I answered this in your first post.


  • Enough with the navel gazing. Get out or don't.

    You've set it up so you are safe from doing anything to improve the situation. "I don't want to hurt him" "Can people really change" "We'vnge been in counselling and it's not really any better but it's not bad enough to leave". Waaaaaah.  Leave or don't leave. Right now, I think  you're getting a lot of mileage out of the poor meeeee thing you've got going; and you have manufactured the situation so that you don't have to leave but you get some sort of credit for 'working' on things, whatever the hell that means.

    If you're looking for permission to leave, sorry. You have to give it to yourself. You haven't yet. When you do, you'll leave.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • I can see how it comes across as poor me this was not my intention, but I can see how it comes accross that way or that I may have even unitentionally been asking for that. Honestly, I'm just afraid of what life is like alone. I have been with DH since I was 16.  I really don't know life as any different. I am terrified of being alone. I am afraid of making a mistake, I have an irrational fear that if I leave him, that I may realize that he is "the one" (whatever that is) or that I will pick a another bad match for me and be stupid enough to make the same mistakes again. I know that these are things I need to work on and are childish, I just feel vunerable right now. My family will suport me no matter what as will my friends, but they are trying their best to stay out of it and my friends keep telling me to just keep trying to work things out.

    I realize that this is all stupid of me and that coming to a message board full of strangers for support for the choice I think I have made is a bit ridiculus. I guess I was just hoping for some encouraging words to help get my courage up to tell him that he needs to move out.  I am sorry if I have offended or irritated anyone it was not my intention.

  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    image nbb618:

    Honestly, I'm just afraid of what life is like alone. I have been with DH since I was 16.  I really don't know life as any different. I am terrified of being alone. I am afraid of making a mistake, I have an irrational fear that if I leave him, that I may realize that he is "the one" (whatever that is) or that I will pick a another bad match for me and be stupid enough to make the same mistakes again. 

    To quote Dear Abby: It's better to be alone than to wish you were!

    IMO, your dh really isn't that committed to changing.  He missed or rescheduled HOW many appointments?  And missed appts that you had to pay for ANYWAY?  How is that committment to change and improvement?  It's not. 

    I would suggest reading "are you the one for me?" by Barbara DeAngelis.  It might be out of print, but look for it at the library or ebay.  One point she makes - you're not doing your H any favors by staying married to him and resenting him!  Let him find someone he is more compatible with.  

    And if you're that scared to be alone - you still need individual work in counseling.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • While you are at it, read:

    Feel the fear and do it anyway, by Susan Jeffers

    and

    Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner

    And then stop pussying around and act.  All this "what if this, what if that" is crap.  You KNOW he isn't The One--I mean, come ON!  You know you won't pick another bad match because you are going to seek extensive counseling before you ever date another man. And you know that being alone is better than being with someone and feeling lonely.  Just pull on your big girl panties and do it.  You'll feel better once the paralysis is over.

  • image nbb618:
    I keep having this reoccurring dream that DH is gone from my life and that I get back into school, I find a great roommate, and I buy a cat to keep me warm at night. I am doing all of these activities that I have always wanted to do. I am so happy that I am doing things that I want to do and need to do for myself. That my life is just the way it needs to be, in this dream though I am very aware that DH isn't there and that I don't want him there.

    This alone speaks volumes. Nothing anyone can say is going to lit the fire under you. You want this. You deserve this. Go get it. ?

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  • Paralysis is fatal. Get moving.
    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • You are not 16 anymore. You do not want the same things you wanted at 16.  You've grown up.  You want different things now.  You want a different relationship now.  You are not happy.  Let him go, like any breakup it will hurt, but once that subsides, you'll feel better.

    You are an adult now and won't make the same mistakes that you made when you were younger.  You know what you want now so go get it. Take this as a tough lesson, but learned. Be the person you want to be.

  • I think you should cut your losses now.   I think the relationship is too far gone to salvage.   Do I think it's possible to recapture the magic?   Yes.   But the key ingredient is that both parties WANT to recapture it.   You want to want it, but in reality, you just don't.   You fantasize about being single.   In fact, the only reason you haven't left already is because you're afraid to hurt him.    That's compassionate and admirable and all that, but it's unfair.   It's unfair because you're just delaying the inevitable.   

    I'd sit down with him and tell him the truth.   You want different things than you did when you got married.   You think the two of you got married too young, and you now realize that you're unhappy.    If suggesting divorce is too big a move, suggest separating.    Then pursue all the things you're dreaming about.   For what it's worth, at least with a separation the door is still open for reconciliation, if you find after 2 months that you've made a terrible mistake and want to get back together.  

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