Trouble in Paradise
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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I'm sure something similar has been posted here a dozen times, but I want to put my whole situation out there and get some thoughts from all of you.

I have been married to my husband for about 6 years, together for 8. Honestly, even on our wedding day (I was only 24), I had doubts about whether I was making the right decision. Two years later, we had a daughter, and three years after that, we had a son. They are now 3.5 years and 6 months old. They are pretty easygoing kids, and my husband is a pretty good dad. He can be very lazy, sometimes even when it comes to parenting, but overall, he's OK in that department.

He can be a decent husband too, but we are simply lacking that spark, in my opinion, and I'm not sure we ever had it, or at least I don't think I ever really felt it from my end.

Until earlier this month (when things finally boiled up and I told him I had one foot out the door), our marriage has had a lot of problems in addition to the lack of a spark. We are almost never sexually intimate. He often talks to me and looks at me as though I am stupid and/or disgusting for silly things like, for example, crossing my legs toward him (in his opinion it is gross that my foot is too close to him!?).

We don't have a lot in common. I am fairly active; he is happy sitting on the couch doing nothing for hours on end. We don't like the same music or TV shows. I like to read; he doesn't. He likes Donald Trump; I can't imagine living in a country where he is president. I am very ambitious about my career; he is not. He is a pessimist (no one is ever good enough for him), and I think most people are great or at least are trying to be good people. I think he is borderline racist, and I'm not. He farts and burps all the time, and I am so grossed out by it. Etc.

I also think until very recently that I was being abused when it came to our finances - not ever physically but emotionally. All of our money is in joint accounts. I make more than he does, but I have never felt in control of any of it. He has a pretty strict budget that we must adhere to (in his defense, I AM a bit of an absentminded spender), and he didn't give me easy access to our bank information. But then when I boiled over in frustration earlier this month, he was totally ok passing over the budgeting and primary control of the funds to me, which I didn't expect.

When I told him as part of my boiling over conversation that I felt like we've been living as roommates, he said he doesn't feel like that at all - that he loves me unconditionally, can't imagine life without me, will do whatever it takes to make things better, etc. I had thought my mind was pretty set on leaving, but all of the things he said (and his actions the past few weeks) make me question that.

We have been to counseling, separate and together, and while it has made the marriage better for short times, it doesn't stick.

My husband has been following through the past few weeks on trying to make things better - the financial stuff, trying to do things better sexually, not talking to me or looking at me like I'm dumb or disgusting. I have to give him credit for trying, but I'm still not sure if I should stay or go. How important is that spark? How important is it to have more common interests and goals besides raising our kids?

Obviously our kids are a huge part of this decision. But even if we didn't have them, I think I'd still be ambivalent about staying or going. Some days I think,"This is good. I can do this." Other times I'll read a quote that says, "Life is too short to settle" or something to that effect, and I'll lean the other direction. Yes, I've read "Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay," but I'm still stuck.

Thanks for reading this novel! I appreciate your thoughts.

Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

  • You obviously are not in love with him. Why would you stay with someone you don't love?

    Being a good guy is not a reason to stay. Being a good dad is not a reason to stay. He will still be both those things if you leave.

    what happens if you stay and 2 years down the line he goes back to his ways? then you are back to  this same place

    My advice....give it 6 months and reevaluate. Do not stop going to therapy after a few weeks and things get it for the full 6 months!

    You ALL deserve to be happy,

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    It's great that he's really working with you to try and fix things.  I agree w/ mags - give it 6 months.  Keep going to therapy.  See if things progress.

    BUT if after that, you're still feeling ambivalent, then maybe it is time to leave.  He's trying and that's great, but if in the end, you're heart just isn't into it - it's not fair to YOU to stay in a marriage where you're just not happy. 

    Marriages end for simpler reasons than abuse or horrid behavior.  My parents divorced when I was 6 pretty much basically because they simply fell out of love.  They felt they were more friends than partners.  Now, it was a mutual decision.  I would expect your DH will be upset if/when you do decide to leave.

    But that's still not a reason to stay.  BUT my point is that my parents divorced for pretty simple reasons.  It does happen.
  • It is up to you to decide, but on your place, under those circumstances, I would leave...
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