I have known that my husband suffered from anxiety and depression since very early on in our relationship. He had told me that he had never considered suicide though. We have been through a lot together. We married about 2 and a half years ago. Since then, he had a seizure, we had a major car accident that was the other person's fault, we moved across the country away from our family,and we have purchased a house. All major decisions, we deeply discuss more than once, just to be sure it's what we both truly want. I am a teacher and he works for the DES. About a month ago, I was serving bus duty when a bus driver told me that he spotted an ambulance and a police car at my house earlier that day. I rushed home and was calling the hospital only to find that my husband had tried to kill himself by taking nearly 100 pills. Fortunately, he called 911 on himself. I found out that because it was suicide, they were not allowed to call and tell me unless he specifically said that, and he was so gone on the pills that he never said it.
Since then, he went through therapy at a mental health facility, but we haven't gotten in to a local psychologist because no one here takes real insurance (we live in a poor community made up of mostly native Americans, who receive free healthcare). Our closest city is an hour away, so it isn't something we have had opportunity for. While in the mental health facility, they found that he has low potassium sometimes (the same thing that caused his seizure) and that his depression medication was no longer working because he had developed a resistance to it. He also doesn't get good nights of sleep because of sleep apnea, which he's been trying to get a machine for it for 3+ months.
Although I know that many of the issues that caused his attempted suicide aren't really an issue as much now, I can't help but freak out any time that he is by himself or is having a bad day. I get a nagging worry that I just can't shake and basically secretly panic all day long. I feel like I smother him because I ask if things are okay and how he is feeling on most days. I know that it often annoys him, but I feel that it is only fair because I almost lost my best friend. I love him. I worry about him, but I don't know how to satisfy my worries without making him feel smothered and like I am overbearing.
Additionally, since his attempted suicide, he has told me that he isn't sure that he wants children (which I don't disagree, is probably for the best). But I have always wanted to be a mom. I can't miss what I never had, so I feel like I can kind of cope with that, but I am afraid that I might resent him someday for it. Even though he has changed his mind, I don't feel like that is grounds for divorce because I married him because I love him. I just don't want to regret things later.
I know that this isn't the place to seek mental health advice or whatever, but I just feel so alone in all this and didn't know if anyone else had gone through similar and how they are dealing with it. Sorry this was so long, but there is a lot of detail.