I don't post on here much anymore, but I lurk often. My H and I will be married ten years this summer. We have two children. We got married young and my H has been an excessive drinker from the beginning. Like we so often hear, I thought he'd grow out of his partying ways. He has come a long way and I guess that's why I'm really struggling. I've come close to leaving him many times, but he always shapes up. He hasn't ever completely quit drinking and I know that's where I've made my mistake. I should have insisted on that.
H has always been a big kid. His parents never held him accountable for anything. He had a DUI and car accident at 18 and they literally and figuratively bailed him out time and time again. We met in college and he was kind and funny and aside from liking to party, everything was pretty good. I was struggling with severe anxiety and put up with a lot more than I should have. We got married right after college. We had DS soon after. Getting emotional and physical support from H was always a struggle, but he would make improvements in baby steps. When I had DD, I had severe post partum depression. H would leave me for weekends at a time with two young children and a raging anxiety/depression problem. It was the most awful time of my life. He didn't want to hear it and let me struggle. My mother got me through that tough time and with the help of medication, I recovered. H finally "woke up" a year ago and started helping more around the house, drinking a bit less, and being supportive. The one thing he can't seem to move past is the drinking. While he drinks much MUCH less, he still has anywhere from 2-8 drinks a night (most nights) and will drive, on occasion, intoxicated.
I'm tired of holding this family together. Even with his strides to better himself, I feel like I've shut down. Ever since the PPD issue, I haven't been able to fully forgive him and every time he drinks too much or drives after drinking, I sink a little lower.I feel like I'm finally strong enough mentally and confident in myself to see that I don't deserve someone that spent most of our marriage half-assing things. It hasn't all been bad. He's a good guy and he's loved by many people because of this. However, they don't have to be married to him. I hate the idea of splitting our family up because he's worked so hard and come so far, but part of me is afraid that I still won't forgive him even if he does completely stop his drinking.
I think I know the answer to me "what should I do?" question, but does anybody have any advice or thoughts? I can get over the guilt and the fear of breaking up our family, but as my children grow, I know that the alternative (him crashing his car or worse) isn't great either. Thanks for reading and listening. It's obviously hard to put the WHOLE story down so if I've missed anything I'm happy to answer any questions. Thanks.