I apologize, this is long, but I had to get it all out. Please forgive all the typos and grammar errors as well
Ok here goes...
I met my wife on June 21st 2014. It was really love at first site with her. I wasn't expecting the person I met that day, and the irony was that after 6 years on a job and praying everyday to meet someone while I was working, I meet her. It was a whirlwind after that, we moved fast, our first date lasted 4 or 5 hours, we talked, drank talked, just had a great time. The thing I remember most of all about that first date was just looking at her and thinking that she was gorgeous and so perfect for me. She had a smile, and she had one dimple, and she had a well put together mouth that made every damn word she said even more perfect. If my first day meeting her didn't change my life, that first date did.
It was Monday, June 23rd, I woke up and I wasn't committed to anyone but my kids, and my heart felt like it hadn't felt in a very long time. I have talked to her, seen her, or been with her every damn day since I met her. It felt like everything was going to be perfect.
We were great. We were having so much fun, we spent all the time we could together. Late nights, early mornings, FaceTime, texting, it was great. July of 2014 was such a great month, all of the newness of having someone around that you want to be there, just made the anticipation of the next day that much better.
Then... August happened. Her birthday, which I missed because I had a family reunion to attend. I got back home early Monday morning on the 3rd or 4th, worked most of the day, and of course went to see her. It was the norm by now. On the afternoon of the 4th, she rode with me to my work storage unit, and my supervisor/good friend called me and alerted me that he and his supervisor needed to see me the next day, he told me to pray about it, but I already knew what it was. So on the ride back home, I was going through a lot in my mind, so much that sat that moment I knew what was going to be, but I knew what I wanted to remain, and that was her. So I took the most risky chance I could possibly take, I told her that things were probably going to get terrible for me, and that she could leave and we didn't have to be together, because I don't know what state I may end up in. Well, she told me sometime later after thinking about it, that she wanted to stay with me. I have to admit, I was surprised, and touched. I had never given an ultimatum to a woman that I had been with for less than 2 months, but I had never fell in love with a woman in a week either. So all of these decisions and thoughts that were just floating in my head regarding her were new. I had a lot of relationships, well, there were a lot of women, but something that I had never felt before just stayed at the surface with her.
So now I'm jobless. I'm a father of 2, divorced, with an apartment, student loans, child support, and carless. I'm carless because I am too damn helpful. My younger brother needed help, he was struggling, so I had a personal vehicle and a work vehicle. Because I never anticipated losing my job, and the fact that I was going to get a new work vehicle, I gave my brother my truck, so he could have a second vehicle. Well once I lost my job, I had nothing, which made everything instantly difficult. However, this wonderful woman put her efforts forward and showed she was really in this relationship for me because she would pick me up, take me places, let me drive places, she did way more than I could have anticipated. What made it all seem odd was the fact that I had never had someone be this accommodating and good to me when I was in need. All of this was new, I had never been severely depressed and downtrodden, never unemployed. I went from a $90K plus job of 6 years to nothing quick. There were some pay checks for a little while, but once they dried up, I was lost.
Now, in most cases, not having a job would push natural inclinations, look for a new job and work on getting unemployment. Well, both happened in my case, with one still happening. My unemployment was denied, and when I reapplied my appeal was denied. Weirdly, my relationship with her flourished during this time. I mean from the time I was fired and what seems like every moment afterwards, was spent with her. When I say EVERY moment, I mean every second, and I fucking loved it. People say, you can move to fast in relationships right, well that's because every relationship has to deal with personal time, work time, and general life issues. I remember after I was terminated, and my friend/supervisor asked me what I was feeling and I told him that I was relieved. Almost a month early, there was an attempt to fire me via some whack ass bullshit with competitor shopping. Because I had been doing the same process for 5 plus years, I was vindicated, but I was hurt by the entire process. That ordeal had robbed me of the joy of doing the job that I was in love with, and at the time I was working temporarily in South Carolina about 3 hours from home. So.... Going through that at work created a sour taste in my mouth, and made work a chore. So, the primary motivation and point of love and enjoyment became HER. I mean she overtook everything and everyone, and it felt so good.
One day in August, maybe a week or 2 after I lost my job, we were just laying on the couch talking. She may have thought that I was playing, but I was very serious, and I asked her would she marry me. Now, I didn't have a ring, so that's probably why she didn't think I was for real, but and I still feel like this, what I was feeling for her and had been feeling was heaven sent, and meant to be. As a man I had spent years asking God for a woman, a companion, that would eliminate my desire for other women and fulfill my desire for a great wife. She was the epitome of breathtaking, she was smart, she was enthralling, she was sexy, she was intriguing, she had a pleasing soul, I was fucking hooked. Not that I was sexually whipped or anything, but I was caught up in everything about her.
Just imagine a couple together having a great time together, just enjoying being around each other. Smiles when you look at at each other, excitement when you hear the garage open, wanting to go to work with them, just wanting to be in their presence. Man, we were inseparable, like the perfect pair and that felt amazing. For years I just wanted to have a companion that I could trust, love and lust and I had that in the woman from GO. She made my nights go by so fast when I slept just so I could wake up and have more time with her. We would talk, and it seemed like we would talk about nothing but we would just talk and it would be so much fun. You think I wasn't going to marry this woman? You honestly believe that I wasn't going to do everything I could to be everything and more for this woman? You better believe I was all about everything.
So we got married September 18th. The love just continued, even small arguments didn't matter because it felt good, because we would makeup. It was great. If I could bottle up that time, even the bad times because we never let them destroy us, I would love to drink that bottle now. She still is, but then she was like water for me, I didn't care about anything but her. There was a video that we made in a bar in Little Rock at this hotel we were staying at for a wedding. It was a interview with her, just impromptu and fun, she participated and I could tell she was so in love with me in that interview. She laughed, she answered playfully, she just seemed like she enjoyed being around me, it was again Perfect. I watch that video during my slow down periods and get damn near irate, we not far from those people we were then, yet it seems like those individuals are fucking foreign.
So as you can tell, I'm writing in retrospect, and its not what it was. I don't know what happened exactly, but I'm not wanting to put the blame on her. You would think as newly weds we could roll with the punches and make it work, and be playful about things. Well... Something went amiss. We were doing a lot of "practicing" before marriage, but certainly after marriage. We weren't taking precautions not to get pregnant after marriage because we were willing to accept what came, that was part of that bond we had. We just clicked in a sense on that side, I thought.
So we had a Halloween part and we went pretty hard, I was drunk mid party and forgot most of it, I'm sure she had a good night as well. There was a moment during the party where some friends of hers, a couple, were in the kitchen talking to someone else. I was making a drink near the fridge and another one of her friends came up and was talking. They were talking about pregnancy, and he friend said "let's get pregnant at the same time". I thought it was funny, so I said something, and we started a mini conversation, which from afar could have looked like it was a good conversation. This other couple who was close by, didn't realize I could hear everything they were saying. I heard the female as "I wonder what this conversation is about over here", speaking about the conversation I was in with My wife and her friend. Then the boyfriend says, "I don't know what the fuck they are talking about, I been trying to listen in." You know, for me that said a lot about 2 people I was already on the fence about, because of their opinions to my wife on her getting married. I heard it, kept it, and it has pretty much sealed who they are to me, they love my wife, and don't give a fuck about me. It's cool, but remember this, because I don't think my relationship with them has done anything good for my marriage.
Well, that fun conversation about getting pregnant, became reality on the Monday following the party. WE ARE PREGNANT! To make it even realer, the woman having the conversation with us found out a week later she was pregnant too. So all that alcohol and good time we were having was on top of us already being pregnant.
So... Here we go, we are excited, she shows it outwardly, me inwardly because I KNOW my chances of having a girl with her are HIGH. Everything Seems to have to be a social network production for her so, she wanted to make a picture announcement. Ok it's cool. So the letting people know, getting reactions, blah, blah, blah had to happen. November was cool, December was cool. January came...
We died. In late January, what we were began, because it changed. The second trimester, is why I am writing this now. Affection died. Playfulness died. I was already on edge because I want to work, I want to provide, I want to be the man doe my family, and I have been unemployed now almost 6 months. I'm living off part of my retirement and personal savings, mixed with Wal-Mart emergency savings, that I had for almost 10 years. Child support is killing me, every argument I have with her reminds me that Child support is the only thing that is important. The arguments.... O h my god, they get brutal. Cursing, quitting, threatening to leave, unhappiness it's all there. We eventually apologize but the next argument worse than the previous one. Does she hate me because I can't do anything to help out at home? Why does she keep telling me I am not excited about her being pregnant? Why am I cursing at her so much? Why and I being told to go be with my other family? These arguments kill the goodness inside of you, all the butterflies I talked about earlier, that she gave me from just being around her are replaced with doubt, skepticism, hatred, and fear.
I am questioning why we are together, and why are we married. If I reach out to touch her, it's unwelcomed. There is no "practicing", and if it is it's just to keep me at bay, not for mutual enjoyment. Shit, we hate each other is how it seems most of the time. It's better for me to be upstairs in our bedroom and she be downstairs. There moments where she cuts through, we argue and her sweet demeanor tells me she misses us hanging out downstairs and just being around each other. Those arguments I remember vividly because they let me know, we are still the two lovers who wanted to be with each other. The moment that let me know, no matter what obstacle we got, we can be good, was during our counseling session, after we had both had separate sessions, we came together. We were both hurt, I know I was really hurt because I missed this woman. I was still in love with her , but I was expecting her to say she was done, but she told our counselor she still loved me, and I knew I still loved her. I gave me a boost, it really did. So I committed right there to cut that perpetuating of arguments and just being an asshole and make the rest of the pregnancy and our lives better. I mean, we still had points but maybe weekly, not daily.
So, the last trimester of the pregnancy. We are better, but I have questions. The affection, and intimacy is gone, it's minimal. I wonder if once it's over and the hormones are gone, will a switch just flip. She is making an effort to force it back, and I appreciate. At this point though, every bad thought that can enter my mind has, it's May, I have had 5 good months to just think. When we talk, it's not like it was in the early days or after marriage. We also, don't feel like we used to, it's not a bonded as it was, more separate with moments, although the moments are great. I'm second guessing myself too much now, I want to say things but I feel stupid thinking them. I want to be romantic, but thinking about the lack of affection and closeness shuts that emotion down for me. I don't like being around her when she talks to other people now at all. Her interactions are what we used to have, each time I speak, I feel like a pest and a bad mistake she made. That last point is starting to plague me, how do I get back to where we were?? I know where we are is closest to hell.
Nothing intimate or personal is communicated between us. I reminisce to much now. I'm ashamed to be close to her. I'm terrified, I'm a fucking bitch. I am 33 years old, have never been afraid to approach the woman I wanted, have loads of confidence and I am in fear of being myself or anyone else for that matter with my wife. What the fuck has happened?
Well, I did get a job in February, in insurance, so that brought us closer together, and helped , my confidence, but it's fully commission. I have been rejected to janitorial jobs, and fry cook at McDonalds, and I have a fucking MBA, and in pursuit of a PhD. This is the main source of my discontent. I cannot provide for my wife, my 2 sons, and my daughter to be. I bear this weight daily, because there is no one to talk to personally about what's gringo with me because I don't trust people anymore because of past struggles. At home, I'm negative, lackluster, and drab, and I don't want that on my daughter, so I'm not talking to my wife. I am down like I have never been in my life. I'm not a person to be around, there are days that I never want to have again. There is one day, I wake up and I'm at home alone, in bed. I have gone 2 weeks and haven't sold a thing. My wife and I are where we are, and that bad for me. I'm broke. My kids mother will not let me see them, probably because I don't have money for child support, but who knows. Not being able to provide and watching my wife having to continue to work through her pregnancy has got to me, I'm fucking failing. So I get up, I go over to the other side of the bed and I get the gun. I go down stairs, and I sit it on the kitchen table, and I just sit there. For almost 2 hours I just sit there, and look at the gun and wonder why I am still here. Like what is my purpose daily, when I can't even do the basics for those closest to me. A text message saves my life, well actually a notification of a message saves my life. I see "my wife" just come up on the screen, and I'm back. She tells me, she doesn't want to be mad and fight all day, and she misses me. I was about to fucking kill myself, just be selfish as fuck because I can't do what I think makes me a man, and here someone who hates apologies and being remorseful does just that. It's love, it's care, it's real. Reality came back, I broke down that day, I really did. I just broke down, because I had gave up.
So our child is born. Greatest moment ever was as soon as she was born, I broke down again, because I know what this woman means to me, now to have a child with her, that is everything. I don't want a temporary family, I want to be happy. We have to get back on track because this is more than just a simple relationship. There is a purpose to us, we don't fully know it yet, but there is a purpose to us, still being worked out. I am confident that the bottom where I am now financially, professionally, and personally isn't my forever spot. I am confident they the lack of intimacy and closeness that we had, isn't feelings of the past. I don't want to continue having dreams my wife is cheating or planning to leave me because she and I cannot talk to each other in reality. I don't want to feel like each time I open my mouth, she install becomes annoyed and dreads being with me. I don't want to be perceived as being negative, unable to be happy and miserable. I don't want to be a cheater, or forsake my wife. I don't want this love to end. The June 21st 2014 Man is still in here, and he has never left and he is still in love with this woman.
I need help with being able to let go of the past and just moving forward. Just wiping the slate clean and hitting reset. I realize after writing this to, I need some spiritual guidance as well. Just doing this has helped. I hope it helps someone else as well.