Trouble in Paradise
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Husband is basically so disgusted with me he doesn't want sex.

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Re: Husband is basically so disgusted with me he doesn't want sex.

  • image TristaGoode:

    image ReturnOfKuus:
    Stepsons?  As in, he was married before?  Why did that relationship end?

     

    Yes I have 2 stepsons. His exwife cheated on him. 

     

    I wonder if he wouldn't have sex with her, and told her she was unattractive.  That'd make someone vulnerable to someone who felt otherwise.

    Not that I condone cheating, at all.  But... I wonder.

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  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    It sounds like your judgment was clouded when you picked him.  I mean, you'd only been on one date with the guy, and that didn't even go well, and yet during a time of crisis you decided that he was the love of your life simply because he gave you a ride?

     

    It's not like I said hey this guy is going to be my husband. I just never met a guy that would do that for a girl he hardly knew. 

  • Why did his first marriage end? Do you know?

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  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    image TristaGoode:

    image ReturnOfKuus:
    Stepsons?  As in, he was married before?  Why did that relationship end?

     

    Yes I have 2 stepsons. His exwife cheated on him. 

     

    I wonder if he wouldn't have sex with her, and told her she was unattractive.  That'd make someone vulnerable to someone who felt otherwise.

    Not that I condone cheating, at all.  But... I wonder.

     

    I have brought that point up to him a few times, and asked if he treated her the same way. He said no. I do believe him only because I met her and she is very manipulative.  

  • image TristaGoode:
    image NuggetBrain:
    image ridesbuttons:

    I agree with SueBear completely.

    I don't get the hand-holding with the OP. 

    God yes. I know TIP seems to automatically head towards "he's a douche" but seriously.  She goes hiking and then complains about how it makes her legs hurt?  Would you really want to go hiking with someone like that?  She sounds like kind of a PITA.  Also, this whole "not doing anything on the outside because it doesn't matter" thing is confusing to me.  I would be put off it I was him too.

    Also, I'm assuming you guys started dating and married your husbands because you found them physically attractive.  Sooooo I don't know why it's suddenly such a horrible thing for him to be thrown for a loop when his wife makes a total 180 on damn near everything and then uses the "It's for Jesus" reasoning for it.

     

    I have no clue what OP or PITA mean.

    I do "complain" but it's not enjoyable for me to do things to get healthy and need to stop and take quick breaks just to be mocked for it. It also makes me not want to do it at all, which kind of defeats his purpose.

     The first time I went on a date with my husband he was drunk and not very attractive to me. He sobered up a little and started talking to me more. The next day he called to apologize for drinking so much but he was nervous because it was his first date since his marriage ended. Unfortunately, right before he called my mom called me and told me her husband had just suddenly died. When my husband called  me I was hysterical he offered to drive me to the hospital where my stepfather was then insisted when I said no. He drove me almost 2 hours away dropped me off and left. That was when I realized that he was the love of my life, and it was never about looks, it was about heart.

    Since I'm fairly sure you had no idea what his heart was when you first saw him, yes.  It was about looks.  There is absolutely nothing wrong about not finding your spouse physically attractive anymore.  What you choose to do with that information is up to you.  But this idea that you always have to find your mate hot even if they put on lots of weight and completely change the way they dress or present themselves is crap.

    ETA - I'm not saying that him saying "I don't find you attractive anymore" isn't hurtful.  But the fact that, if what you say is true, that he was honest with you and didn't say it in the context of "I don't find you attractive anymore and I want a divorce/have been cheating on you/and add this to all the other craptastic stuff I do" actually makes me have a bit of respect for him.  He's trying to bring this problem up to you with hints, and when that didn't work he just straight out said it. 

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    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • We COULD give this guy the ginormous benefit of the doubt and say "Perhaps he sucks at presenting how he feels and his comment went over like a fart in a crowded elevator."

    At any rate, he could have expressed himself more positively: "Honey, I'm worried about you and your weight. You're gaining quite a lot and I am worried about your health" -- the very last thing he should have said was "I am not sexually attracted to you anymore."

    A weight problem? Perhaps. A self esteem problem? Definitely.

    An H problem?

    100%.

    Decide what you want to do about HIM. Tha'ts the bottom line.

  • Fvck it, I'll say it... I'm overweight and ADORABLE!

    Fat doesn't mean ugly.  Get that thought out of your head right now.  If your H thinks fat = ugly, that's on him.

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  • image imoan:

    Fvck it, I'll say it... I'm overweight and ADORABLE!

    Fat doesn't mean ugly.  Get that thought out of your head right now.  If your H thinks fat = ugly, that's on him.



    I knew a very very large woman who was gorgeous -- every hair in place; always was looking sharp --- it's all a matter of self confidence and self-worth.

    Same went for a guy I knew; he was very large also -- he never had a lack of dates. Again, it was self confidence. And he was a hell of a nice guy, too.

    Give thought to a makeover and a new haircut -- it should lift your spirits.

    Soe does writing a brag sheet.

    A guy I know who is a job counselor advocates a brag sheet -- write down every accomplishment you've ever had, from the time you were a kid up until now. You'll have a novel or novella by the time you're done --- you'll be amazed at what you have done in your life.

    include EVERYTHING, even how many cookies you sold as a Scout, your first dance recital, an A you got in such and such a project, etc.

    It'll also do wonders for you for your self esteem, too. 
  • I have to reply to you even though I know you've gotten a ton of good advice already. 

    Your past DOES NOT make you a horrible person. You're human. Humans sometimes do things that aren't the healthiest, they test boundaries, and they learn. My therapist defines it as the difference between "guilt" and "shame." She defines guilt as acknowledging that you made a mistake, sometimes mourning what you did because it was wrong, and then forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to move on.  Shame is when you can't let go and continually punish yourself for what you did. 

    And the stupid thing about punishing yourself, is that it pretty much just prompts you to repeat your mistakes over and over again because you've talked yourself into believing that "you're bad" and "that's what you deserve." 

    It's so hard, and believe me, I work on it every day, but have compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself. You are who you are, so you may as well enjoy spending time with you.

    And really, pretty much all of my most favorite people in the whole wide world are drunk sluts (self included) :-p

  • image ElleWrites:

    I have to reply to you even though I know you've gotten a ton of good advice already. 

    Your past DOES NOT make you a horrible person. You're human. Humans sometimes do things that aren't the healthiest, they test boundaries, and they learn. My therapist defines it as the difference between "guilt" and "shame." She defines guilt as acknowledging that you made a mistake, sometimes mourning what you did because it was wrong, and then forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to move on.  Shame is when you can't let go and continually punish yourself for what you did. 

    And the stupid thing about punishing yourself, is that it pretty much just prompts you to repeat your mistakes over and over again because you've talked yourself into believing that "you're bad" and "that's what you deserve." 

    It's so hard, and believe me, I work on it every day, but have compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself. You are who you are, so you may as well enjoy spending time with you.

    And really, pretty much all of my most favorite people in the whole wide world are drunk sluts (self included) :-p

    That just added a whole new light to the subject, thank you. 

  • image TristaGoode:
    image ReturnOfKuus:
    image TristaGoode:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    "If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him?"

     

    That is the real issue here, isn't it?  No matter how you look, you know now that you're married to a shallow guy whose desire for you is all about you looking a certain way.  You may not divorce now, but yeah, it's probably over.  Whether you lose the weight or not, you'll probably never look at him the same way again.

     

    That is how I feel, but he has so much love to give me. This is the only issue we have. Other than this he treats me like a princess. He'd give me the world if he could. That makes it even more confusing.

     

     

    He treats you like a princess, other than telling you that you're fat and ugly and unworthy of sex.

     

    when I told him I thought I wanted a divorce. He said he didn't blame me and even if we did end he's keep me on his insurance because he knows I have a lot of issues with my health right now. He isn't a horrible man he just said a horrible thing that was on his mind.

    i call bs on this. if my h said something off hand and i said i wanted a divorce over it, he'd be falling over himself to fix things.

    i think your h said this as an easy out, he was already one step ahead of you contimplating separation

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  • image +LuckyVal+:
    image TristaGoode:
    image ReturnOfKuus:
    image TristaGoode:
    image ReturnOfKuus:

    "If I lose the weight he is going to want me, but will I want him?"

     

    That is the real issue here, isn't it?  No matter how you look, you know now that you're married to a shallow guy whose desire for you is all about you looking a certain way.  You may not divorce now, but yeah, it's probably over.  Whether you lose the weight or not, you'll probably never look at him the same way again.

     

    That is how I feel, but he has so much love to give me. This is the only issue we have. Other than this he treats me like a princess. He'd give me the world if he could. That makes it even more confusing.

     

     

    He treats you like a princess, other than telling you that you're fat and ugly and unworthy of sex.

     

    when I told him I thought I wanted a divorce. He said he didn't blame me and even if we did end he's keep me on his insurance because he knows I have a lot of issues with my health right now. He isn't a horrible man he just said a horrible thing that was on his mind.

    i call bs on this. if my h said something off hand and i said i wanted a divorce over it, he'd be falling over himself to fix things.

    i think your h said this as an easy out, he was already one step ahead of you contimplating separation

     

    You know that is what I thought too. How could he not change something he knows bothers me so much? Maybe for the same reason I feel like I can't fix the problem that bothers him so much?

    I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he said no. I told him that it would probably be a very long time until I would be able to be intimate with him. He told me that he knew, and he would be there when I was ready. I really didn't understand this yesterday but after we talked last night I really had the answers I needed. 

  • I have a feeling your self esteem has been in the crapper your entire life.  But you used drugs/alcohol/inappropriate sex/etc. to medicate yourself before.  Now you "hide" behind your weight.

    I have a feeling your husband, since you admit that outside of this issue is a great and supportive partner, probably had to say something shocking to get your attention.

    I think it is a million years past time for you to start taking yourself seriously, and decide that you are actually a person worth knowing and loving.  That will involve getting yourself to a therapist IMMEDIATELY.  That also means getting your physical health under control, treating your ulcers, getting the Depo taken out if need be, and YES.  Getting on a fitness and weightloss regimen. 

    Stop blaming how you feel on everything around you, and then using that excuse to let your appearance take a big nosedive.  You need to take some ownership over what is going wrong in your universe and take the steps to right the ship.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • Trista, It sounds to me that your husband probably is usually a good guy, but made a HUGE mistaking in

    1. feeling this shallow.

    2. actually verbalizing his shallowness. 

     My guess is that he's around a lot of guys who think that this kind of behavior is tolerable. He needs to learn that it's not. I'm not sure he can learn that from you, (because he seems like the type of guy who isn't really taking stock in what you think, which is the core of the problem,) so if he talks to a professional, that would be great. (FYI, when I went to therapy for depression I hit up a psychiatrist who was of my religion and it helped a lot.) 

    And, like others have said, it's not a bad idea for you to go to a therapist as well. It sounds like you've been through a lot.

  • image smock.smock:
    Look, regardless of what's going on in your marriage, you have major self-esteem issues. You need to make time for some therapy.

     

    I have to agree.  You don't sound like you were a "horrible person" at all to me.  You sound like you were probably a young adult who took the partying a little too far.  "Horrible people" do a lot more than things that hurt themselves.  Yes, what you were doing was bad.. but it was bad to you.. and it sounds like you've come out on the other end of that now.  The important thing is you take care of that and make sure you stay "on the other side."  If anything is going to drive a person into that kind of life it is a low self-esteem.. if you think you are worthless, what will be your motivation to keep yourself clean?? IMO, you are going to want to deal with that very quickly.  

    From one person who gained a ton of weight due to a medication to another.. it SUCKS!  There are days when I am disgusted with myself!  But, I have to realize, its not my fault.  I can't help that the weight was put on.  But, what I have to keep doing is working to get and keep myself healthy and try to get the weight off!  You gained 60 in 3 years.. I gained 40 in 6 months on Celexa!  It was horrible!  I was dieting, exercising, I had changed nothing about my life and the pounds just kept piling on.  I got off the med about 3 months ago and the gain stopped, but I have to tell you, its been killer getting the weight off.  But, you have to keep valuing yourself or you are just going to fall into a depression and then you're right, the weight gain may not stop! 

    IMO, you shouldn't even be focussing on what your DH said to you right now.  You have to take care of yourself first.  Get yourself to a place where you can love yourself.  I think once you do it will be much easier to figure out if what he said was out of love ("wake - up call if nothing else had worked") or something that was just cruel and you can't live with..

  • image TarponMonoxide:

    We COULD give this guy the ginormous benefit of the doubt and say "Perhaps he sucks at presenting how he feels and his comment went over like a fart in a crowded elevator."

    At any rate, he could have expressed himself more positively: "Honey, I'm worried about you and your weight. You're gaining quite a lot and I am worried about your health" -- the very last thing he should have said was "I am not sexually attracted to you anymore."

     But, do we know he didn't say this?  I'm wondering, OP, has he been saying these things to you?  I could see where if he kept saying these things over and over and didn't feel like he was getting anywhere he may feel the need to say "I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore."  Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can come up for air.  I'm not saying he was right.. I'm just saying I need more details to know if he was meaning that from a place of caring or from a hurtful place..

    And I stand by what I said before.. you need to take care of yourself.  You seem so full of self-loathing.. and no one deserves to feel that way.  No matter how "horrible" you think you were.  You need to love yourself.  

  • I think this is one of the most insightful posts I?ve ever read on TheNest. Girl, even the hardest comments (I saw SueBear made you kinda upset) have gold in their words. Each word is written from a side of our experience, trying to get you out of the mess you feel.

    I think, as the minority of the women, that your husband can be a nice person but said an absolutely horrible thing to you. And it?s his fault he put it that way, but it?s not a fact he spelled out of nowhere.

    I also agree with someone who wrote that you should not make a decision on your marriage just yet. The bottom problem is that you don?t love yourself, in consequence, you also don?t feel loved by that special someone.

    Getting personal counselling is URGENT, as Urgent as going to the ER if you fainted and banged your head. Stop posponing it, please. Don?t wait for more answers here, just go to counselling and come back only to tell us that you feel better, you?re getting healthier and that things are working out for you personally, and because of that, all general things are better.

    I really hope you get healthy and you find a way to feel better with yourself. Look how much you?ve left behind, you shouldn?t feel haunted by your past, but proud of what you?ve overcome.

     

  • Speaking as someone who's done some pretty *** things myself, I can safely say that every single person on here speaks the truth.You cannot and will not be able to love someone else until you love yourself, and that's just the flat truth of the matter.

    Some pretty awful stuff happened to me before I met my FI. I won't go into details here, but just know that I didn't feel I was worthy of love either for a very long time. I will tell you that stable, good men who want healthy relationships will absolutely not go for a woman who doesn't have any self-esteem to speak of. I went through some pretty dark days before I met FI. Trust me, I don't feel anything but proud and blessed that I'm still even here.

    From a religious standpoint, I can tell you this: God loves you. No matter what you've done. If you've prayed about it and asked forgiveness for it, you have a clean slate. Your past is your past, and the best thing you can do is leave it there. Nobody, but nobody, has the right to judge you on what you've done unless you've committed a crime.

    Find a therapist, please. Studies have shown that our physical and emotional states are very closely linked. You absolutely cannot wait on therapy. It will start to affect you badly if you do, even worse than it already has. Don't make a life decision about anything until you've been going to therapy. Make sure that you're comfortable with your therapist and that you trust them. If it hadn't been for my therapist I could never have taken a chance on FI.

    Best of luck to you- my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  • image TristaGoode:
    image SueBear:

    Honestly, it sounds like it's more about just the weight to me. 

    You used to be fun and enjoy hiking, etc.  Now you go but complain for the next couple of hours /days b/c you are in so much pain.  And you gained 60 pounds from birth control?  I don't know one doctor who would tell a patient that it is ok to gain 60 lbs from their choice of birth control.  50 lbs overweight = obese and brings with it chronic health problems.  You can't tell me that your doc gave the ok for you to gain 60 lbs because Depo was the best available birth control.

    Also you felt you were disgusting on the inside so you didn't take care of your looks, clothes, hair.  I'm sure you have been a JOY to be around during this time!  You don't get extra bonus points for showering regularly.  That's a given.  Plenty of people love God and are good people, and still manage to dress nicely. 

    You are making your H to be a bad guy / the bully, when you sound like you are really f*cked up.  I'm sure your outside is just a reflection on how messed up you are on the inside.  No, your dh is not required to still be attracted to you after 60 lbs, complainting about any physical activity, no care for your slovenly appearance, and "feeling bad on the inside so the outside" attitude years later. 

    You might be more attractive if you stop using any possible excuse to take responsibility for your own actions.  I'm not sure why H has to pay for your sudden need to atone for your pre-marital sins.  Are you sure you haven't been purposefully trying to "drive him away" with your new life choices? 

    And I'm in no way saying fat = unloveable.  DH and I have both gained weight ourselves, but your post reads as if there is A LOT more going on to turn your H off. 

     

    Let me start by saying I enjoyed hiking but never felt good doing it. Even when I was thin. My husband, stepsons and I went on a bike ride the whole way home was uphill, I said my legs hurt when we got home. They all said how bad they hurt then they laid on the couch for an hour (husband included) while I finished unpacking and cleaned. I never enjoyed running but thought I would give couch to 5k a try, he did it with me because he encourages me to do stuff like that. The while time he was mocking me by running backwards and making jokes about how I am so out of shape, does that sound like an enjoyable experience to you?

    I never said it was all from my birth control, but it is known to happen because it is known to trick your body into thinking it is pregnant. I have had periods so bad that one time I passed out in Subway hit my head on a bench and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. I would say that depo is a bit safer than that.

    I may not be taking care of my appearance but I also work a full work week followed by my photography business on the weekends, as well as taking care of my husband and stepsons. I make them a nice dinner every night pack lunches and clean up after them. I may not wake up at 5 am with my husband but I make sure he knows that he is very loved and appreciated. I never even think I said anything about God being why I don't take care of my appearance. I did however say that I feel ugly on the inside and when you are ugly on the inside there is no amount of makeup that can fix that.

     I never made my husband out to be a bully. I have over and over said that he treats me very well other than this issue. I have also said that I can't be mad at him for telling me his feelings. It's not like he is making up something and making me feel bad. I do believe that this is something that should have came out before we got married in September when I was the same weight as I am now.

     I know I have issues and I have never denied it and I have never made excuses for them, but your entire post was based off of bits and pieces you have read. 

     

    And all these sounds like excuses, even if you say they aren't.  

  • I may have missed this in previous quotes, but serious weight gain and major period problems brings PCOS to mind.  Have you been checked for PCOS before?  I second... and third and fourth...what everyone else has been saying about seeing a counselor for the underlying causes of your pain and suffering, but ultimately, the decision has to be up to you.  Do you want something better for yourself? Everyone deserves to feel worthwhile; no one but you can define your worth and a counselor is trained to help you explore what you hold valuable in your life.  The other thing you need to do is worry about your physical health because your physical and mental health are quite obviously interlocked.  Start working on one and I think the other will follow.  Just as one started bringing the other down, you can bring them both back up by starting on one.  It is difficult, but it is not impossible.
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  • I think there are a few things that you need to work on for yourself before you have any answers. First is seek help like a counselor to deal with your past that is obviously still bothering you in the present. Deal with that and you may see some confidence come back. Understand that marriage is about communication your husband telling you the truth is a good thing. Maybe he could have approached it in a "kinder way" but the important part is he is telling you how he feels. How can he be attracted to you inside and out if your not to yourself. Don't just give up take one day at a time and tell yourself that today I am going to work on... God and prayer is a step in the right direction!
  • well, this is a problem that many women encounter after they get married and from what i see you must feel really bad on the inside, but don't worry, if you go to couple counselling, I think you will find some solutions. Online suggestions I don't know just how efficient will be in your case!
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  • Men say stupid things sometimes.
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  • God thinks you're beautiful.  I suggest reading Proverbs 31.  Measure yourself by God's standards.   Whatever you do, don't become bitter; smiling in adversity is far more attractive. 

    I also agree with those suggesting therapy.  I'm no relationship expert, but you want to nip these type of relationship issues in the bud before they develop into something worse.

  • I work as a therapist and I will say to you, it sounds like you, like many people, have a lot of things you need to work out, but it also sounds like there is a lot going on for you, and in the contemplation of dealing with all these things, you've come to a place of paralysis. I also "hear" you saying that you "don't have time" to focus on this because of your medical problems.   I would guess that taking some time to work on some of these issues with a therapist would have benefits for you from an emotional AND physical standpoint.  All of these problems exist in one vessel, your body, and dysfunction in one area inevitably will affect other areas.

    The main thing to me that sticks out if your vilification of yourself -- is someone that sleeps around and does drugs truly a "horrible person", or maybe someone who was engaging in unhealthy behaviors as a way of trying to make themselves feel better?

    Okay, I won't start counseling you myself, but I will tell you, as a clinician, I see lots of good starting points for you - the potential is there for you to improve the way you look at yourself and your world, but only YOU can make the decision to take that first step.  Good luck to you. 

  • image TristaGoode:
    image pedantic_wench:

    What do you mean that you were a horrible person before marriage? And what about marriage made you change for the better?

    What kind of weight gain are we talking about here?

    You need individual therapy to address your self-esteem issues. You ooze self-hate and that's dangerous.

    I also need to know how he approached the "I'm not attracted to you physically" talk.

    Well what I meant what horrible before we met. I slept around, I drank and partied a lot, I was mean to people, I talked about everyone behind their back, I did drugs, I was just not type of girl a mom wants her son to marry.

    When I met my husband that all changed. I still drank a lot to the point I would even black out. I have never cheated on him, done drugs or anything like that.

    I have gained about 60 lbs. In the 3 years we have been together.

    Trust me I have thought about a personal therapist but with all the medical issues I am dealing with I have no time to deal with it.

    He didn't approach it in a mean or nasty way. Simply that he wasn't physically attracted to  me anymore because I let myself go. It is the constant jabs that he makes at me. Like he wants to be able to go hiking and biking and blah blah blah. I still do all these things with him. It's just not good enough because when I do them I complain afterward (my legs were sore from the bike ride we took, I got dizzy and nauseous after trying to run for the first time.) He also gets upset because I quit diet programs. I quit because I am STARVING all day long. When I am hungry I get headaches and really crabby. I'm not really sure what to do I guess.

     

    Your emotional issues ARE a medical issue, and if all of your other medical issues have a place on your priority list, then your mental health ought to be at the top.  You sound like you are (emotionally) in a very low place right now, and if you can't make time in your life for caring for yourself, then there's nothing else worth spending time on. Your mental health is affecting your physical health, your marriage, and probably other areas of your life, too.  I know it feels like a major committment to see a therapist, but from what I've read, it sounds like a committment you need to make in order to live your life.  Even if it's only an hour a week, you will probably find it helpful. And I think someone else said this, but a little bit of excersise will probably help you, too.

     Your marriage does need work, and I agree with some comments that he may not be deserving of you if he really is saying that he's not attracted to you because you're "fat and ugly."  However, people in depressed states often distort reality or read incorrectly into what others say or do (this is where therapy comes in.. you may need to identify how you react to situations, and whether or not your perceptions reflect what others intend).  If he were to say, 'Honey, I'm concerned about all the weight you are gaining (et cetera) and noticed that we aren't as close anymore.  I'm worried that we aren't attracted to each other anymore," I can see how that can be hurtful, but it's not the same as, "I just can't be with you because of how fat you got." 

     Sorry for echoing others, but it sounds like you really need to speak to a professional about all of this.

  • Whatever happened with this?
  • Serious weight gain can be many things:

    Something thyroid or hormonal or maybe it is an emotional issue.

    No idea what happened to this poster. Looks like she vanished; who knows if she read all the advice?
  • I don't know how to feel about this. 

    On the one hand, he was honest about how he's feeling. Which he can't help. 

    On the other hand, his feelings kind of illustrate that he's a jackass. 

    All i guess i can say is that this guy BETTER have the same physique he had at 18. And all his hair to boot. Because there are WAY too many fat, aging, ugly men out there thinking they deserve a wife who bends over backwards to look like a supermodel. 
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