It's kind of awkward but also sometimes therapeutic to reach out to strangers. So, here it goes. I would like to apologize in advance for the lengthy message that follows.
husband and I tied the knot in April. We have not been married very
long and we did not date very long before getting engaged (6 months) we
were married 3 months later. He is a military man and I am currently in
school and working full time. He loves me and he wanted to take care of
me (via military benefits) and ease some of my financial burdens. Things
were great, we had had many discussion regarding marriage and what it
meant to us. We truly seemed to be on the same page when it came to a
lot of things. I am a communicator and it has always been important to
me to gauge my partners level of communication. I was impressed. We were
able to communicate and things seemed to be going well.
came time to plan the wedding there was a lot of tension. I should
probably mention that he and I had a long distance relationship from the
beginning and we still do. However, when it came time to plan the
wedding tension began to build. We both had opinions about a lot of
thing, which is not a bad thing at all but I started to notice that my
opinions became me "always getting my way" which was confusing to me
because I was totally up to discuss what ever situation came up and
figure it out or come to a happy medium or compromise in some way. He
would say that he wanted to avoid drama. His way of doing that was
avoiding a compromise and a possible difference in opinion. At one point
we argued so much that he began to question if we had rushed into
things and while I was thinking the same thing I couldn't help but think
about the people who were now involved (we had a small wedding, so
luckily not too many people were involved).
Fast forward to
April, we got married and it was a lovely ceremony. I should also
mention that our sex life was pretty meek even before we got married.
Our situation is a little unconventional in the sense that I am the
sexual one and my husband in the one who isn't. I have had a few
conversations with him about my concerns, my feelings, and his feelings
as well. Anyway, we get married and on our wedding night I had to
convince my husband to have sex with me and sadly it wasn't very
successful. We attempted but...we were not successful. I try to be understanding and loving but it makes me feel terrible. I have spent many nights crying after failed attempts. Enough about that (for now).
After we were married we waited 2 months to go on our honeymoon. It was there in sunny Florida that I realized the person I really married. He was easily getting frustrated with me about some of the littlest things. He would never talk to me about how he felt, I NEVER knew when he was getting frustrated until he would EXPLODE on me and all of a sudden I would find out all these things that I've done that got on his nerves. One night in particular I saw an anger in him that was scary, not because I was afraid that he would hurt me physically but he definitely hurt me emotionally! He became completely unreasonable, he was saying rude and hurtful things, he even said that we should and WILL get a DIVORCE!! I had to be the calm one and tell him that I think we should try counseling before divorcing and he pretty much told me no! He had me cancel the rest of our honeymoon and was horrible the rest of the night. I kind of lost it and was extremely sad the next day. I cried all day long and he felt so bad that he suggested we finish our honeymoon and that he would work on his anger. He kept saying that he doesn't know why he gets so angry. The rest of our honeymoon was like a roller coaster. We would argue about the stupidest things and he was constantly blaming me for ruining his day.
A little bit about me, I am a strong woman who has always been self sufficient, and very strong willed. I have an opinion and I'm not afraid to share it. I am however, able to be cognizant of others opinions and the fact that they matter too; being aware doesn't make me any less willing to speak my mind. I think it is important to know where a person is coming from and that it is also important to talk about feelings. This seems to work against me in this relationship. I can totally go with the flow but that doesn't mean that I won't ask a question or put my two sense in at times. To give an example of one thing he got frustrated about we were going to the movies and he went to park. I saw a parking space available a little closer to the theater and said "hey, there is a space up there". I later found out that he got irritated at me for that. I don't think that it was that situation alone that got him so frustrated but I don't know where things go wrong! He doesn't like to talk about anything that is less than happy, puppies, kittens, and lollipops!
In my opinion (see, there I go with the opinions), Life and marriage are about love, compromise, understanding, and some times situations where you won't always get along! The moment we have a disagreement and I mean the slightest of disagreements he always goes to a very negative place; he says he doesn't understand why I'm so combative (really, combative????, I'm pretty sure that asking if we could go to a 7:30pm movie instead of a 4:00pm movie so that I can finish my laundry is NOT combative).
The fact that he gets so upset about such little things makes me worry about when we have to make big life decisions! I also worry about our ability to have children due to the issues we have in the bedroom.
It makes me feel terrible to say it but I think that I've already started to check out because I am already so exhausted from trying to hard and I don't feel like I see ANY improvement. It's a 1 step forward 10 steps back situation and I feel like I am losing myself! I am a young woman in the prime of my life and I shouldn't feel guilty for having sexual desires and opinions!!
I'm concerned for my future...any advice (if you've been patient enough to make it this far, in this book I have written)