Trouble in Paradise
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I'm so lost

I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 13 years. We have 4 kids. Everything has seemed fine lately. However a few times in the past I've caught him online cheating. Dating profiles ect. The last time was 4 yrs ago. I laid down the law. He did counseling, started in antianxiety mess (he has OCD) ect. I have finally come to mostly trust him but there is always that naggy voice in the back of my head. I sporadically check his email. This morning I checked just because. I found emails he sent to a woman. Using a false name, stating he is single, 30 (he's 35), has his own home, car ect. He is actually a SAHD finishing up his accounting degree. I work 2 jobs night shift. I work my butt off. And he has been seeking out the attention of other women. I'm furious. I feel broken. He is my best friend. Was my best friend. I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to confront him. I don't think I can stay with him. How can I ever trust him?!? I don't know if he's had physical relations. It would be awfully hard since we have 4 kids. My oldest is 13 and she definetly would notice if daddy was sneaking out at night. I'm so lost.

Re: I'm so lost

  • edited October 2015
    I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 13 years. We have 4 kids. Everything has seemed fine lately. However a few times in the past I've caught him online cheating. Dating profiles ect. The last time was 4 yrs ago. I laid down the law. He did counseling, started in antianxiety mess (he has OCD) ect. I have finally come to mostly trust him but there is always that naggy voice in the back of my head. I sporadically check his email. This morning I checked just because. I found emails he sent to a woman. Using a false name, stating he is single, 30 (he's 35), has his own home, car ect. He is actually a SAHD finishing up his accounting degree. I work 2 jobs night shift. I work my butt off. And he has been seeking out the attention of other women. I'm furious. I feel broken. He is my best friend. Was my best friend. I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to confront him. I don't think I can stay with him. How can I ever trust him?!? I don't know if he's had physical relations. It would be awfully hard since we have 4 kids. My oldest is 13 and she definetly would notice if daddy was sneaking out at night. I'm so lost.
    Your problem is 2fold and neither problem is a joy:

    1-You cannot trust him --- he was caught once before and blammo went your trust for him -- as you can see trust is hard to re-attain
    2-He is cheating yet again.

    A spouse need not sneak out at night for his only time to cheat. :( Anybody can cheat, pretty much at any time and anyplace. You do not necessarily have to have apartner that goes missing at odd hours, though certainly that is one of the suspicious signs that may point to an affair in progress.

    You will have to decide where to go from here.
    You will make it clear that your H is to work on this marriage with you and to give up the chippies altogether...or you decide what what way you want to go on this. You will proceed in the marriage with him or choose to go on without him.  The choice is going to have to be yours.

    I would print out all the evidence and then show it to him, in a public place so he cannot make a scene -- and ask him what the story is.  He's got absolutely no business doing what he is doing. .

    This is also a lying issue and a lack of character issue. How terrible for you and the kids.

    He is giving these ladies fake information? They probably all think they're going to meet this wonderful single guy. Disgusting.

    I am guessing that if he is a student, he is not working at all, either full time or part time  you are supporting this guy --- if you choose to file, make sure there is a way to get child support; why should your youngsters go without???

    Student or not, he can still get some kind of part time job -- or maybe work as some sort of CPA assistant or work as somebody who can process tax returns for cheap, for perhaps the elderly or somebody on a fixed income. 
    short+sassy
  • Correct. He is not working. I'm not sure I want to work on this anymore with him. :(
  • Well I hate to say it, buy deep down you really don't know if he has physically been with someone. Call your Dr and get tested for stds. Whatever you decide to do with your marriage, you must get tested. Make the call today. Don't put it off and don't gamble with your health or your future.
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    While I absolutely do believe people can change, I don't feel all people are capable of change.  You've been together since high school. He's 35.  I doubt he's going to change.
    Disneygeek77j3ffsgirl
  • Right vor, especially since this is the second time.
    j3ffsgirl
  • Correct. He is not working. I'm not sure I want to work on this anymore with him. :(
    You have a lot to think about.

    Give it a couple of weeks, for yourself. IF you are spiritual and you worship, see your clergyperson. Go talk to a marriage counselor on your own.

    None of this is looking good. This is awful especially since there are kiddoes involved.

    Counseling for yourself no 2 ways about it; trust is broken and you have to nip this in the bud for yourself so you can trust the next guy who comes along (if you choose to go your separate way).
  • He is a serial cheater. You have given him chances to change and he has gone back to cheating each time. Is there anything he could do after all this to actually regain your trust again? I'm thinking that's a no. If you need help figuring out where you stand on that, see if you can get in to a counselor asap. 

    If you've already reached that point of knowing it's over, then you need to think about the unfortunately complicated details of separation and divorce with children. If you have family or close friends around you, now is the time to reach out to them for support and help with the children.

    This website is a great resource as you try and figure out your next steps:
    http://www.womansdivorce.com

    Definitely get tested for STDs, print out all evidence, and check into your bank options for freezing accounts. Then call a lawyer and get the ball moving.
    TarponMonoxidej3ffsgirl
  • Thank you all. I was on the fence a bit but I hacked into his email and texting app this evening and found a lot more. He was planning on meeting a woman at a hotel on Sunday. Sunday is my daughters birthday. I don't know if he would have followed through but I do think even if he doesn't this time he would probably get braver about it in the future. I will get tested absolutely. My annual exam is due soon anyway. Today I'm going to set up my own checking and change around my direct deposits. I was thinking of confronting him Monday however I work night shift and I work M,T,W this week. I don't really want to leave him with the kids after dropping a bombshell on him. Also if he does take off I would be left without childcare. :( I'm so nervous. I appreciate all the objective feedback. It helps. I needed to write this out.
    j3ffsgirl
  • I'm so very sorry this happened to you. Getting tested is a wise decision and I pray the results all come back negative. Good luck.
  • edited October 2015
    Thank you all. I was on the fence a bit but I hacked into his email and texting app this evening and found a lot more. He was planning on meeting a woman at a hotel on Sunday. Sunday is my daughters birthday. I don't know if he would have followed through but I do think even if he doesn't this time he would probably get braver about it in the future. I will get tested absolutely. My annual exam is due soon anyway. Today I'm going to set up my own checking and change around my direct deposits. I was thinking of confronting him Monday however I work night shift and I work M,T,W this week. I don't really want to leave him with the kids after dropping a bombshell on him. Also if he does take off I would be left without childcare. :( I'm so nervous. I appreciate all the objective feedback. It helps. I needed to write this out.
    Is there somebody who can watch the kids while you tell him where it is at? You probably have a neighborhood mother or a parent of your kids' friends who can do it.

    Any way your boss can let you work day shift? this is an emergency. Talk to him.

    How terrible....how absolutely ghastly.... I don't think there is any 2 ways about what you should do.

    Go set up another bank account and tell your boss that your direct deposit goes there --- protect your assets. Make sure that he cannot get any of them -- your money, your bank accounts, valuables that you have, whatever it is --- get a safe deposit box and lock up the smaller things that you can put into that drawer that they give you --- maybe get all new numbers fort the accounts and one where his name isn't on them (lots of banks still do that)

    He has emotionally checked out of the marriage. That doesn't bode well -- if a guy has a wandering eye he's check out.:(

    Make sure you and your kids are safe.  By gentlemen's agreement, he should hit the road and you and the kids stay where you are --- I do not know if the. name is on the deed of your house (no matter who actually owns the home; I am guessing the home is yours) but you'll have to see an attorney about having him removed from the deed, if you do get divorced. You may have to partition out the home. Or maybe not; a real estate attorney will know for sure.
  • I told him today. He is thinking he can still change my mind. He is wrong. I did tell him I need space and he needs to leave. Luckily we rent and don't own our home. I opened up a bank account yesterday and in process of switching my finances. Not sure how I'm going to tell the kids. My head is spinning.
    simplyeliseshort+sassyj3ffsgirl
  • I told him today. He is thinking he can still change my mind. He is wrong. I did tell him I need space and he needs to leave. Luckily we rent and don't own our home. I opened up a bank account yesterday and in process of switching my finances. Not sure how I'm going to tell the kids. My head is spinning.
    So what did he actually say to all of this, not that it matters??? The writing was on the wall and you found it; he was caught red handed again.

    Did he leave?

    You do not need space.

    You need to divorce him and get rid of him -- he has zero character, he's got a roving eye and if you keep him around whatever is left of your self esteem will head right into the toilet.
  •   I don't know if he would have followed through but I do think even if he doesn't this time he would probably get braver about it in the future. 
    I know you're getting tested, which is good.  But the above makes it sound like you think this has all just been online.  That he's never physically cheated.  I hate to be blunt but I find it VERY hard to believe that he's never strayed.  I don't care what he says. in ALL these years - I simply don't believe it.
    Disneygeek77simplyelise
  • I just wanted to send out my sympathies.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It sounds so devastating.  I know it seems impossible to believe right now, but you will get through this and you will survive and thrive without him.  I realize you have been with him for your entire adult life, but you are still your own person and you can shape a life without him.
    Disneygeek77lc07
  • stay strong
    do not let him manipulate you


  • Just be aware, since you're the bread winner, and supporting him, you will have to to pay him alimony. At least, that's how it is in California since we're a "no fault state." Check into that before you make your decision.  I'm sorry you're going through this, and wish you the best of luck.
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