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I just wanted to get some insight on a little situation I'm in.  

Preface: A year ago i would drop everything and go to my friend's aid, but have been in therapy for a year and the therapist has emphasized that I shouldn't enable people or let others take advantage of my "helpful, others first" personality. 

I'm in grad school. A couple of friend are on an intramural team and they had a game tonight.  Before leaving class another friend let the classmates know that there would be check points tonight so they shouldn't drink.  I feel VERY strongly about drinking and driving, as I've had childhood friends killed and seriously injured by drunk drivers.  I pipped up and said "you shouldn't be drinking and driving any way!!" like i ALWAYS say to them.  Our city just got Uber, so there really isn't any excuse.  

So, just now, as I'm getting ready to go to sleep b/c we have class in the morning, I get a text that they are "shit faced and there are check points" . 

... how terrible am I for ignoring it? Should I go pick them up? Why can't they get an uber? I've only known these ppl for a couple months, but I don't want them thinking that I will go out of why way to save them from their bad decisions (this is grad school... we are talking 25-30 year olds, not teenagers!)... I also don't want them to get hurt or to hurt someone else.  

Where is the line between being a good friend, and enabling someones childish/poor choices? 


Re: Friends/Classmates

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    You can't be their savior.  You go and get them?  They will call you EVERY.SINGLE.TIME they need a ride.  I'd tell them "Please call Uber.  Get home safely." and leave it at that.

  • That's a hard call. I think it would depend on how often they did this to me. If they contacted me for a ride because they drank to much may 1-2 times a year, I would do it. Heck, I would probably even allow for 3-4 times a year since it involves drinking and driving. I think it's one thing to pick up a drunk friend once every few months compare to say, they call you whenever they need a ride for any situation, like going to the mall or grocery store & they expect you to drop everything to give them rides for stuff like that. Do they need to grow up, yes, but I know for myself, I would go & do it to make sure they and everyone else on the roads they would travel would be safe. Again, a huge thing for me would be, how often the call on you.

    Now one thing you could do is if you have an Apple Phone (not sure if droids have this since I don't have one) is you can set your phone to "do not disturb" (it's under settings) and set the time frame you don't want to be bothered. If any calls or texts come in during this time, the calls will go straight to voicemail and texts will stay silent. This is great for avoiding late night calls when you are trying to sleep. The best part is, anyone who is on your favorite list will still come through. So for me and my husband, we of course have each other listed as a favorite and our immediate family members. This way if there is a family emergency during the night, they can still reach us. But from 10:00PM - & 7:00 AM, no text message or email alerts or phone calls will come through from anyone that is not on the favorite list. Then you just notify your friends that hey, I have my phone programmed that from this time to this time no calls, texts or emails will come through. So if you need anything during this time, you won't be able to reach me.  Then they can become dependent on you for rides.

    I agree with your therapist that you do need to make yourself a priority & not always drop things for other people. But I also think you have to look at each situation as who is asking me for the favor, how often do they ask me and what is the favor and what impact will helping them have on me, like will you have to cancel plans or risk missing a deadline on a paper to help them.

  • It's great to be a supportive friend but keep in mind you can't make their decisions for them. Almost like parenting, you have to let people make their own mistakes. And you come first.
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