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Man cave?

Ladies, I need some advice. My husband and I are about to move into our new home with our two young daughters. We've bought a 4 bedroom home that has a large bonus room and bathroom upstairs. I'm a SAHM at the present time, and my husband works in the corporate world...he has an office that he goes to every day, but he wants to start working more from home since that's an option for him. He believes he's entitled to the large, upstairs room. He wants it to serve as our guest bedroom/his office/man cave. He wants the extra bedroom downstairs to serve as the playroom for our daughters. I'd like the downstairs bedroom to serve as the guest room/his office, and I'd like the large, bonus room to be a playroom for our girls...a place where they can keep their toys...and eventually a place where they can have sleepovers with their friends. My husband says he needs a place that is very quiet if he is going to work from home, but I feel like he's being selfish. He doesn't have to work from home (he has an office), and I feel like he mainly wants this room to serve as his man cave so he can just get away from us and watch football/play computer games/have some peace and quiet away from the chaos of having two little ones. He will likely work from home once or twice a week, and some weeks he won't work from home at all. We rarely have house guests, but we do want a space to have them when we do. So, who is right in this scenario? Should my husband get the large bonus room or should our children? Thanks so much! I really want any and all advice, even if you don't agree with me! :)

Re: Man cave?

  • Unless your kids are paying the mortgage, your husband gets my vote.
  • Girlmom23 said:
    Ladies, I need some advice. My husband and I are about to move into our new home with our two young daughters. We've bought a 4 bedroom home that has a large bonus room and bathroom upstairs. I'm a SAHM at the present time, and my husband works in the corporate world...he has an office that he goes to every day, but he wants to start working more from home since that's an option for him. He believes he's entitled to the large, upstairs room. He wants it to serve as our guest bedroom/his office/man cave. He wants the extra bedroom downstairs to serve as the playroom for our daughters. I'd like the downstairs bedroom to serve as the guest room/his office, and I'd like the large, bonus room to be a playroom for our girls...a place where they can keep their toys...and eventually a place where they can have sleepovers with their friends. My husband says he needs a place that is very quiet if he is going to work from home, but I feel like he's being selfish. He doesn't have to work from home (he has an office), and I feel like he mainly wants this room to serve as his man cave so he can just get away from us and watch football/play computer games/have some peace and quiet away from the chaos of having two little ones. He will likely work from home once or twice a week, and some weeks he won't work from home at all. We rarely have house guests, but we do want a space to have them when we do. So, who is right in this scenario? Should my husband get the large bonus room or should our children? Thanks so much! I really want any and all advice, even if you don't agree with me! :)

    Working from home is going to be "the office of the future" --- lots of people are doing it. Most employees will be telecommuting -- working from a location other than the company's locale.

    He can have a man cave and you can have a hobby room/wife retreat! Why not?

    I am willing to bet you nee time away, too, more or less. Don't you have a hobby or a way to blow off steam? If not, get one. 

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Um, no, he doesn't get this large room for HIS use and his use ONLY.  There are 4 people in your house. 

    And where is YOUR space to go retreat to and "get away" from him and the kids?

    Really- I've NEVER understood this concept.  He already works out of the house, already spends a lot of time away.  Yes, granted, working. BUT he isn't home.  And then when he IS home, he wants a dedicated space that is his and he can run away to???

    Hell no. 

    I get "man caves" when they are more of a room that the DH gets to decorate/ put up sports memorabilia (perhaps) that just doesn't jive w/ the overall look of the house.  BUT the room is still open to anyone who wants to use it.

    I do not understand man caves when they really are literally for the man to be used to "escape" from his family. 

    Don't get me wrong- I think we ALL need "me time".  Absolutely.  I need time away from my son occasionally! 

    BUT the concept of a room in your own house that is ONLY for you and you just go off to it to be alone (that isn't your bedroom) just feels weird to me.  Especially when it's usually about the MAN needing this extra room. 
  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2015
    VOR said:
    Um, no, he doesn't get this large room for HIS use and his use ONLY.  There are 4 people in your house. 

    And where is YOUR space to go retreat to and "get away" from him and the kids?

    Really- I've NEVER understood this concept.  He already works out of the house, already spends a lot of time away.  Yes, granted, working. BUT he isn't home.  And then when he IS home, he wants a dedicated space that is his and he can run away to???

    Hell no. 

    I get "man caves" when they are more of a room that the DH gets to decorate/ put up sports memorabilia (perhaps) that just doesn't jive w/ the overall look of the house.  BUT the room is still open to anyone who wants to use it.

    I do not understand man caves when they really are literally for the man to be used to "escape" from his family. 

    Don't get me wrong- I think we ALL need "me time".  Absolutely.  I need time away from my son occasionally! 

    BUT the concept of a room in your own house that is ONLY for you and you just go off to it to be alone (that isn't your bedroom) just feels weird to me.  Especially when it's usually about the MAN needing this extra room. 
    All of this.  My husband works from home most of the week.  He has the smallest room in the house as his office because it's a room that only he uses.  The rest of the house is space that we both use, so why would he get the largest room to himself and himself alone?

    @englishtrish1  When you are married, all money is shared.  The idea that if the man works and the woman does not makes his vote count more, is old fashioned and sexist.  She works too and contributes to the family as much as he does.  ALL decisions are to be made as a family.
    dutchgirl76
  • I agree with the money is shared. What I don't agree with is children automatically getting the best real estate in the house and the fact he doesn't agree makes him selfish.
    groovylocks
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I agree with the money is shared. What I don't agree with is children automatically getting the best real estate in the house and the fact he doesn't agree makes him selfish.
    I don't read it as the kids getting the best real estate. I read it as what works best for the FAMILY overall.  He's one person who needs a work space, basically.  The biggest room goes to that?  That doesn't make sense to me.  All for a room so that he can get away from his family.  ???

    For the fact she used the word "entitled" - that just bugs me.  Now- I can't fault his reasoning for wanting quiet.  BUT if the girls have the large upstairs room as their playroom, then the downstairs bedroom may actually be the quiet space that he wants. 

    Plus, when I envision my ONE child using one of our extra bedrooms as a playroom vs our relatively large actual playroom - I laugh. And she has 2!   Kids can use space.  her DH doesn't need SPACE to work or even to be alone.  He can play PC games in a smaller bedroom/ Office.  He doesn't need a large bonus room for this.
  • Thanks to all of you for your input so far...I know in a marriage you have to pick your battles, so I'm just trying to figure out if this is one I should pick or not...he has said this issue is non-negotiable...that he will get the large room to call his own...obviously I can choose to fight him on this or not...

    I somewhat get what the poster meant when she said that he pays the mortgage and the children don't. But that's been another point of contention between us as well. That's actually been one of his arguments: "I pay the bills. The work I do (potentially from home) is what puts a roof over our heads. I get to choose what room I want."

    His biggest argument for "needing" the large room is he needs it to be very quiet when he works from home. He works in sales and is on the phone a lot...however I just feel like he wants a space away from the chaos to be alone...and that of course hurts my feelings...

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Well, sorry, but your DH sounds like a bit of an ass.  I really loathe holding "I pay the bills" over anyone's head.  He doesn't really sound like a team player.  Especially if he really is looking to use this room as a "get away".  You're home with your kids ALL THE TIME.  Why is HE the one who gets to run off?? 

    All I can say is "good luck".  I'd have a really, really, really hard time staying quiet to this, what is really a, sexist attitude. 
    GilliCdutchgirl76
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    O.k.-  I need to not be an ass myself.

    My advice- IF you decide to "let" him use the bonus room as his office, it needs to be his OFFICE during work hours.  It's not a room that he gets to run off to at night or on the weekends because he feels he deserves "time away" from his family.

    He needs to respect YOUR job.  You may not be bringing money in but you are raising your children AND taking care of your home.  That counts for something.  That counts for a lot.  And he needs to realize this. 

    If his argument that he needs quiet is genuine, well then, he needs quiet.  BUT this doesn't get to become his "man cave" where you and your kids aren't ever allowed to go into and/or (again) he gets to just go off to when he doesn't feel like dealing w/ his kids.
  • You guys made a choice when you had kids, he doesn't get to hold this over you now. But I get his needing quiet, I work full time and I'm in school full time at home, I need quiet and my DH didn't get the absolute quiet I need.

  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2015
    Girlmom23 said:

    Thanks to all of you for your input so far...I know in a marriage you have to pick your battles, so I'm just trying to figure out if this is one I should pick or not...he has said this issue is non-negotiable...that he will get the large room to call his own...obviously I can choose to fight him on this or not...

    I somewhat get what the poster meant when she said that he pays the mortgage and the children don't. But that's been another point of contention between us as well. That's actually been one of his arguments: "I pay the bills. The work I do (potentially from home) is what puts a roof over our heads. I get to choose what room I want."

    His biggest argument for "needing" the large room is he needs it to be very quiet when he works from home. He works in sales and is on the phone a lot...however I just feel like he wants a space away from the chaos to be alone...and that of course hurts my feelings...

    Ass or not, I'm with @VOR on this one. I was kind of on his side until you posted this. He said this issue is non-negotiable? WTF? You're married! You share a life! Everything should be negotiable! ...Okay maybe not everything. "I need to get my prostrate checked" is non-negotiable. "I want to put my home office in this room" is of course negotiable. The fact that he says it's not makes me seriously worry about his attitude.

    Unfortunately, no advice I can give you is going to help if he won't negotiate. Compromise is the lifeblood of marriage, and it sounds like he wants no part. But in case he was just having his time of the month or something, I'll throw out what I would have said originally...

    I can understand him needing a quiet space for work. I work in a shared office when I'm at work, and I need a quiet room once in a while to take a phone call or focus on a task. I would approach this from the angle that his home office does not need to be his man-cave. In fact, wouldn't it be easier for him to focus if he didn't have the distractions of a TV or video game system in his office?! I would suggest that you make the biggest room the playroom for the kids and for him. Put his video game system and TV in the playroom, and use the downstairs space just for his office.
    image
    short+sassy
  • Girlmom23 said:

    Thanks to all of you for your input so far...I know in a marriage you have to pick your battles, so I'm just trying to figure out if this is one I should pick or not...he has said this issue is non-negotiable...that he will get the large room to call his own...obviously I can choose to fight him on this or not...

    I somewhat get what the poster meant when she said that he pays the mortgage and the children don't. But that's been another point of contention between us as well. That's actually been one of his arguments: "I pay the bills. The work I do (potentially from home) is what puts a roof over our heads. I get to choose what room I want."

    His biggest argument for "needing" the large room is he needs it to be very quiet when he works from home. He works in sales and is on the phone a lot...however I just feel like he wants a space away from the chaos to be alone...and that of course hurts my feelings...

    Does he realize that if he took the smaller room and the kids had the larger room as their playroom then he would still get the quiet he so desperately needs.  There are also things called doors and locks and telling your kids "hey Dad is working so we need to be quiet when we are downstairs."

    I also agree with PP that his work office should be separate from his "man cave."  Unless he is super stringent having a large tv and video games and whatever else in his office could just be a distraction or his way of saying "I need to work" and then he just goes into this large room and flips on the tv.

    I find nothing wrong with people wanting their own space to get away and relax, but those spaces should be agreed upon and figured out together.  Not one person throwing the "well I pay the bills" line in your face.
    image

    VOR
  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2015
    I sympathize with you, but I am also a SAHM.  A playroom for the kids makes more sense as it's easier to clean one room as opposed to two or three.  This way they can keep all of their toys in one room leaving both of the their bedrooms and the living area free of kid stuff.  Plus, ya know, it would be nice for you to send them to the playroom so you can have your own peace and quiet in the rest of the house since you are home with them most of the time.  This sounds like one of those rooms that will get used every day by the children as opposed to once or twice a week by him.  


    Is the main floor room even big enough for all of their toys ?  Would there still be room for them to run around in it ?  I mean he is only going to be sitting at a desk right ?  So why does he need that much space if he is only going ot be sitting around when the kids will be moving around and playing. 

    I don't know about you but this is one fight I would be willing to have with him as we are talking about a room that would benefit three people as opposed to one and it's not like he doesn't have a sufficient space downstairs.  

    VOR
  • My husband has the smallest room in the house as his office and the "Man Cave" is our family room and we all share it.

    I work from home sometimes as well and I know that no one needs a huge amount of space to work from home, as long as he has room for a desk and chair he should be good.

    short+sassy
  • janined22 said:

    My husband has the smallest room in the house as his office and the "Man Cave" is our family room and we all share it.

    I work from home sometimes as well and I know that no one needs a huge amount of space to work from home, as long as he has room for a desk and chair he should be good.

    That is what I am not understanding about this whole thing.  I think of a "Man Cave" as basically being a family room...but with perhaps some more "masculine" touches.  Big TV, big comfy couches/recliners, maybe a pool table, maybe a bar area, maybe sports knick knacks.  I'd love a "man cave" myself, if I had the room in my house.  But I've never thought of it as being somewhere only the man of the house gets to hang out.  That's just hell no.

    Perhaps you can rephrase it that way to him?  Like he can have his quiet office downstairs and then the big bonus room gets turned into his "man cave" with the tv and video games...but kids and rest of the family will be hanging out in there also sometimes.

  • I have to agree with PP, especially VOR, it's 2015 you don't get to throw the "I pay the bills" in someone's face. By you staying home I assume you're saving him from daycare bills? Oy! I would vote the large room become a family room. During the day the kids can play, at night can you add a couch and a nice tv? Watch movies and have sleepovers, fun things for everyone?

    To me a home office should be the smallest space in the house. If it's so loud and inconvenient go back to the office and work.

    How old are your children? Are any of them school age which means he'll have part of the day quiet while they're not home?
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper


    How old are your children? Are any of them school age which means he'll have part of the day quiet while they're not home?
    This is an excellent point too.  It's really a short period in time where you're kids will be home every day all day.  
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