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My husband hates my mother. I need help

I need help, as I feel I am living on edge.

I have been married for 3 years and I feel I made a mistake but don't want to give up as I am afraid. About a year ago my husband and I spent the holidays with our families, which we only get to see 3 times a year. Very sad I know. My husband family invited my family over for lunch, which my mum turned down due to her having other family get together. This is where my nightmare starts, because my mum cancelled with my inlaws, my husband wanted to end our 3 year relationship or I must forget about my family forever. How childish is this. So I decided not to go back home with him and only went a week later. When I got back home I was not allowed to speak to my mother and never allowed to visit my family ever again. I am constantly remained how nasty my mother is and how much he hates my mother. My husband calls my mum really bad names, it makes me so sick that sometimes I think how beautiful my life would be without you. I am also told nasty things about my working place, what a terrible place it is, also how stupid I am. I am so tired but also so afraid to leave, as what will he do to me.

what should I do? My husband would be happy if I forget about my family. I have no friends, as anyone who comes close to me he pushes them away.

Re: My husband hates my mother. I need help

  • Wait....he's mad because your mother cancelled out on a get together???
    This...is pretty damned inflexible of him.


    I need help, as I feel I am living on edge.

    I have been married for 3 years and I feel I made a mistake but don't want to give up as I am afraid. About a year ago my husband and I spent the holidays with our families, which we only get to see 3 times a year. Very sad I know. My husband family invited my family over for lunch, which my mum turned down due to her having other family get together. This is where my nightmare starts, because my mum cancelled with my inlaws, my husband wanted to end our 3 year relationship or I must forget about my family forever.

    Childish and it does not make any sense.

    None whatsoever!

    People will cancel! you've seen it happen with your own friends, a date you've planned on going on when you were still single and in the mix with guys, clients cancel, interviewers cancel -- what's up with him??? 


    How childish is this. So I decided not to go back home with him and only went a week later.

    I would have stayed in a hotel or something to let this guy cool down overnight but I wouldn't have gone a week without going home.

    This in itself is kind of childish too. 


     When I got back home I was not allowed to speak to my mother and never allowed to visit my family ever again.

    I think that's where you should have said goodbye to him for good.

    Something is very weird here.

    I strongly suspect he's always disliked your mother -- for a reason only he can name -- and he used her cancellataion of an event as an excuse to openly come out and hate her "in public."

    This is truly terrible. What are you supposed to do, follow the king's orders or you'll be banned from the kingdom???

    This is also controlling and domineering. I'd have a bigger problem with that, if I were you. 

    I am constantly remained how nasty my mother is and how much he hates my mother. My husband calls my mum really bad names, it makes me so sick that sometimes I think how beautiful my life would be without you. I am also told nasty things about my working place, what a terrible place it is, also how stupid I am. I am so tired but also so afraid to leave, as what will he do to me.

    what should I do? My husband would be happy if I forget about my family. I have no friends, as anyone who comes close to me he pushes them away.

    I think you need to tell this jerk goodbye.

    Why?

    The problem will only get worse and this is a control issue -- and to me, that is bordering on spouse abuse.

    You do not deserve to hear trash from him or to be ordered about like you're a tween who broke curfew. This is no life for anybody to live.

    Think about packing it in. You need him like a hole in the head.
  • You are in an abusive marriage and must leave as soon as you can.

    One day while he is at work, you pack your stuff and go to your mom's house.

    If he leaves any threatening messages, you go to the police and tell them what is going on.


    Indeed ---  safeguard your assets and make sure he cannot access them. Take your bank books, your valubles, etc and lock them up in a safety deposit box --- your bank can rent one to you. Takes 15 minutes to sign up for one.

    Get out and do it now. Something is eating this guy and you do not wish to be around to "find out" what it is. Wishing you the best.  


    short+sassy
  • Her mom also didn't cancel with this parents, she already had plans with family on that day.

    Please please get out now and I promise you will not have a happy and healthy future with this man.  Go home to your mom.

  • Do you have children?

    Go home to your mom, NOW. 

  • Another vote for leaving. A classic sign of abuse is to isolate the victim from family and friends, making them feel alone. Get out asap. Do it when he's not home because there's no telling what he might do if you try to leave when he's home. 
    short+sassy
  • As soon as you said you have no friends and now you're never allowed to see your mother, get the bleep out! I know it's not easy but you're in for a long, hard, abusive marriage if you stay. This guy needs counseling as I suspect there's more going on that you're not telling us.

    No one can ever keep you from your family period.


    R.Wilsonny
  • my husband and my parents have gotten into very heated arguments before for one reason or another and once my father and he even came close to fist fighting.  This was years ago and hasn't happened since.  But my husband never said that I couldn't see my family again, he would say he wasn't going to speak to them ever again and I told him that if he wanted a relationship with me he needed to have a relationship with my family and learn to respect them and if he saw an argument was getting out of hand he needed to politely get up and bid everyone good night and start fresh the next day.  We have been doing this for many years now and everything has been great.  No one should every come in between you and your family because in the end it is your family that will always be there when your relationship ends.

    Get out now while you have the chance.

  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    Agree with the others.  I've been working with victims of domestic violence since 1989 and this is textbook stuff.  He's cutting you off from family and friends so he can abuse you and you have nowhere to go.  Run as fast and as far as you can from this person.  Be safe.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    image
    short+sassy
  • Thank you all for the help. I need to get some funds before I can move out on my own. My mum stays 6 hours from me. I wish she was near, I would not be living with my husband.  

    I don't have any kids and have been married for about 3 years in December. We share all expense in the house 50/50, even though the house is on his name.

    He has a very bad temper, I just learnt not to be defensive in order not to cause a proble. Everytime there is a fight or issue, he never admits how wrong is or the fact that he is sorry. I am always to be blamed.

    He does have some good sides to him, its just that for me his bad ways out weighs his good side.

    He is always fighting with his friends and family. He doesn't have a lot of friends. if someone does not believe in the same way he does or doesn't have the same thinking as him, he will call them all sorts of names, like they are dumb, a b^%&.

    My husbands family does not talk to me, because I am a different religion. Even when I do tell them, this is my issues please could you speak to your son, as I can not speak to him about these issues. They turn me down, by saying its not there problem.

    Today I got home late, like at 7pm from work and yes I was working, as this is our financial year end. I was told such terrible things, that I am embarrassed to mention here. I had to say nothing, just absorb it in and pretend he is telling me sweet words. My mum called to find out how I am doing, I didn't answer my cell. So she called the house, I was told why the f is my f mother calling. What does she want. I hate this, she is not allowed to call me. What does she want from me. I did not want to drink a juice, I am told that why am I acting like my mother and don't want to drink the juice. This is how bad it is, if I say nothing and try and be on my best behaviour, by living by his rules and ways, then I am not told nasty things.  

    I must be really sick to stay with some like him. I always want to try and understand why he is like the way he is.

    Is it because his parents allowed him to be a bully and never stopped him and told him it is ok. Is it he is a type of person that always wants it his way and if he doesn't get his way, he starts throwing his toys out.


  • You need to do whatever you can to get the money to get out of there as quickly as possible. Do you have any friends that you can stay with for a short period of time to make it possible to move out sooner.  Things aren't going to get better. You say he would be happy if you would stop talking to your mom. But you said he doesn't like your job, so what then? Get a new job? You said he says your stupid? So are you suppose to go get a certain type of degree to prove him wrong? But then he'll complain about how much time school takes up. He's getting you into the position he wants you in. No family, no friends, no one to talk to, a prisoner in your home and afraid to leave him. I hope you are able to figure out a way to leave quickly, good luck!!!

     

  • He is abusing you. Isolation and intimidation are forms of spousal abuse.
    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    HolyGlow
  • Do whatever you can to get out now.  Call your mom, tell her the truth about how bad it is and ask that she come and get you as soon as she possibly can.

    Keep any and all threatening messages he sends.
    HolyGlow
  • Yea, to be honest, I wouldn't even wait until I had money - I would just pack whatever shit I could and leave (when he's not there). He sounds like he could get violent at any minute (if he hasn't done so already). Get yourself out of there. You have no kids with this guy, so you can pick up and leave. Call your mother - I would say call her from your mobile phone as you are on your way to her place that way you can get far far away as quickly as possible. And keep any and all threatening messages from your H. He's being abusive. There is nothing good to see in him. Leave now before it gets any worse because trust me, it WILL get worse. 
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    Don't wait.  Find a shelter if you have to.  Drive the 6 hours to your mother.  Whatever it takes, get the hell out.  And until you do, whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant.

    Can you post where you are, even if it's just country/county?  We can help you look up resources for assistance.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    image
    Disneygeek77
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    And if you're near NJ/NY, I'll come pick you up and drive you to your mother's myself if you need.  Not kidding.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    image
    MommyLiberty5013HolyGlow
  • Thank you all for the help. I need to get some funds before I can move out on my own. My mum stays 6 hours from me. I wish she was near, I would not be living with my husband.  

    SELL something: your wedding ring, your e ring, some piece of jewelry --- use the cash that's allowed for your credit card!

    Go to a women's shelter or a Salvation Army -- I am sure they have one where you are-- guessing you are in Either the UK or Oz --- UK or Oz has to have a Salvation Army or the equivalent of it.

    Go anywhere -- do not stay with him. He's in a dangerous state.

        

    I don't have any kids and have been married for about 3 years in December. We share all expense in the house 50/50, even though the house is on his name.

    Great; one less thing to be grappled with in court when you file. He can keep his house.


    He has a very bad temper, I just learnt not to be defensive in order not to cause a proble. Everytime there is a fight or issue, he never admits how wrong is or the fact that he is sorry. I am always to be blamed.

    Ugh....this is somebody to leave flat in a hurry.

    He does have some good sides to him, its just that for me his bad ways out weighs his good side.

    His good side is from another planet. Get out now. There is nothing good about him.

     He is always fighting with his friends and family. He doesn't have a lot of friends. if someone does not believe in the same way he does or doesn't have the same thinking as him, he will call them all sorts of names, like they are dumb, a b^%&.

    My husbands family does not talk to me, because I am a different religion. Even when I do tell them, this is my issues please could you speak to your son, as I can not speak to him about these issues. They turn me down, by saying its not there problem.


    This is the year 2015. These people are bigoted and wrong. There is only one God...or haven't they heard...and he loves everyone.

    Today I got home late, like at 7pm from work and yes I was working, as this is our financial year end. I was told such terrible things, that I am embarrassed to mention here. I had to say nothing, just absorb it in and pretend he is telling me sweet words. My mum called to find out how I am doing, I didn't answer my cell. So she called the house, I was told why the f is my f mother calling. What does she want. I hate this, she is not allowed to call me. What does she want from me. I did not want to drink a juice, I am told that why am I acting like my mother and don't want to drink the juice. This is how bad it is, if I say nothing and try and be on my best behaviour, by living by his rules and ways, then I am not told nasty things.  

    I must be really sick to stay with some like him. I always want to try and understand why he is like the way he is.

    Counseling will help you. You need to find out why you attracted a shithead like him. And you will learn to NOT attract any more rotters --- if you do not get help to break the pattern, I guarantee you all of your boyfriends will be just like this louse. Get counseling ASAP. 

    Is it because his parents allowed him to be a bully and never stopped him and told him it is ok. Is it he is a type of person that always wants it his way and if he doesn't get his way, he starts throwing his toys out.

    No --- this is a mental ill ness. This is why he is acting like this



    R.Wilsonny
  • HolyGlowHolyGlow member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2015
    I was in a physical and mentally abusive relationship for 5 years. This sounds all to familiar. If its just words now, believe me, the hits will start coming and from the sounds of it, it could be soon. Isolating you from your family is NOT OK and is only the beginning. PLEASE go to your moms, borrow money for a bus ticket, go to a shelter, anything. The sooner the better so you can be safe and begin to move on and heal. GL.


     National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 

    Edit: words
  • The title of your post should be "My H abuses me and I'm running like hell."

    He hates your mother? Very minor part of the picture -- I told you that this is some sort of a "reason" for him to treat you like dirt.

    Get this marriage annulled --- you still can, on the basis he is abusing you -- and get away from him as soon as  possible.

    Sell your e-ring, sell your wedding band -- sell them for the gold or go to a pawn shop and consign them  -- sell something and run like hell --- surely there is a bus or train to your mother's house!  
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