Family Matters
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Must VENT about commandeered holidays!

Well, another Fourth of July and another fiasco.  I just cannot take it any more, honestly.  Every family gathering is completely ruined by my 20 year old niece who for years has treated our small family gatherings as the launching pad for whatever random people she currently calls her "friends."  And I used that term loosely, since every year it seems like it is an entirely new set of strangers she's just thrown my door or my mom's door open to for the event.  I am so sick of strangers intruding on our family gatherings ... it changes the entire dynamic.  I don't know these people, I don't want to know these people.  I get together with my family (or would like to) to simple catch up with THEM, not their entourage.

Anyone else feel this way?  I'm thinking of moving far away, or just planning my vacations around every major holiday so I can stop even trying to pretend we have a family.

Re: Must VENT about commandeered holidays!

  • Easy solution, don't invite her when you host. Are these people obnoxious, drunk, thieves or just not family?
    I'm torn on this because we are the house every feels comfortable bringing waifs and strays too, but I also get that you want family time.
    TarponMonoxide
  • My opinion varies based on whether the "friends" are exhibiting bad behavior. I think it's very valid to let her know you're not able to host anyone extra, but if everyone's behaving themselves I do think it's kind to let a girl that age bring one friend or BF. I remember feeling pretty awkward at family gatherings in HS and early college when I was between "kid" and "adult."
  • You are perfectly within your rights to have control over who enters your home.   If you do not wish for her to bring anyone, be straight up.  Tell her that the event is "family only" and you appreciate if she not extend invitations to others.  If she can't obey your wishes, then you need to stop inviting her.
    TarponMonoxide
  • She hauls these people in there on us and since she changes friends like most people change underwear it's never the same people, just whoever the new BFF of the month is ... they don't speak to any of us, just have their own party all by themselves somewhere in the house while the people who are SUPPOSED to be there feel like they are the ones who are out of place and have nowhere to "be."  I was very clear with her in all of my communications with her that this was strictly family this time, but I guess just not clear enough. 

    Our family is small, so it's not like you could exclude her from a family event. 

    They're not thieves.  They're annoying.  They ignore the people who own the house on their way through the kitchen, to the bathroom, to the basement.  It is like we are not even standing there.  I'm just gonna start drinking to get through these dumb things. LOL!

  • KyraNerys said:

    She hauls these people in there on us and since she changes friends like most people change underwear it's never the same people, just whoever the new BFF of the month is ... they don't speak to any of us, just have their own party all by themselves somewhere in the house while the people who are SUPPOSED to be there feel like they are the ones who are out of place and have nowhere to "be."  I was very clear with her in all of my communications with her that this was strictly family this time, but I guess just not clear enough. 

    Our family is small, so it's not like you could exclude her from a family event. 

    They're not thieves.  They're annoying.  They ignore the people who own the house on their way through the kitchen, to the bathroom, to the basement.  It is like we are not even standing there.  I'm just gonna start drinking to get through these dumb things. LOL!

    I had a friend who was like this. Notice I said "had."

    She collected an eclectic bunch of people, to put it mildly. And she'd be furious if I was having a party and I did not include any of her bunch.

    Why should you have to entertain people you don't even know? This isn't what a party is all about; you are not there to provide freebee entertainment to her and half the county that she brings along.   
    KyraNerys
  • When you are hosting go right ahead and exclude her and if she or any other family member asks why, be honest. Does everyone in your family feel the same way?
  • Yes, we are all fed up, but no one seems to be able to deal with her.  It's like we can't believe she is this dumb.  I feel sorry for my son, especially.  The people she's bringing are the same people he and his friends avoid like the plague in the halls at school.  So it's like your worst high school nightmare for him every gathering. 


  • But you know she is going to do this and yet your family keep including her.
  • Can you say something to her parents ?  Tell them that you don't appreciate being disrespected and the fact that your family can't feel comfortable in your own home especially on holidays is enough for you to stop inviting her to events.   Maybe they can talk to her too.

    If she just outright blows you and her parents off, then I would lock my front door and if she shows up with her friends, I would smile kindly and say "" Oh I'm sorry hun, but this is a family only gathering.  Maybe come back later when you are by yourself."

    Yes, I know this would be very awkward and uncomfortable but this girl has obviously learned that your word means nothing and she can treat you and your home however she sees fit.  She will keep pulling this nonsense until someone says " Boo" to her and that means she will probably have to be embarassed in front of her friends.  Besides, someone in this situation is going to be upset and it should be your niece, not you or your son.  
    englishtrish1KyraNerys
  • Oh and FWIW, I went through something somewhat similar with my sister.  My parents and her ILs both live in the same small town so once she got married, many of our holidays were combined.  Now, it wasn't bad but...I don't know, not how I wanted to spend my holidays either.  Then her husband's sister started to become toxic and argumentative by constantly talking about politics and religion.  Not in a healthy discussion way, more of a " Oh, you don't hold the same beliefs ?  Well you are an idiot and let me tell you all the reasons why" kind of way.  For us, that was the final straw and my husband and I decided that isn't how we wanted to spend our Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve or Memorial Day or Labor day, so we spend those holidays at our home now.  I have to say we are happy with that decision.  So, if you and your own little family just aren't enjoying yourselves anymore, just do your own thing.

    KyraNerys
  • But you know she is going to do this and yet your family keep including her.

    We all live within about 5 miles of each other.  It's not like she waits for an engraved invite, more or less just blows in with her friends in tow!  I'd love to lock the door ... that would be hilarious!  It's just a hot mess.  I UNLOADED on my brother over the phone when he called yammering on about bringing extra food for these people she was bringing.  I just asked him in what universe is it o.k. to bring an entourage with you to something you've been invited to specifically?  Should we all just start traveling to family parties with our personal posse in tow, since none of us actually want to speak to or spend time with each other?  Of course, he may not be talking to me now, but at least he knows why we no longer host New Year's Eve!  Ugh.

    Thanks everybody for the support!  I feel a lot better.

    catmiss9
  • My brother invited 6 couples to our house the last time he came to visit from out of State. And I mean people just started showing up. I told him that we weren't (and we really weren't) prepared to feed that many people. We said he could order in food or go eat with them elsewhere. Crazy. He went out to eat with them. So we had an extra steak and potato. Families...
    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    KyraNerys
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