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Need advice - Having issues with my 25 year old son

Hi there,

I am having problems with my 25 year old son and feeling really upset.  

Background:

My son was living with his girlfriend whom he had a child with.  They broke up last summer and he moved back home.  Allthough he said he was taking it OK, It has made him into an angry person.  A lot of times, him and his ex girlfriend exchange nasty texts over silly things regarding thier daughter, who is 2 1/2 years old.  He is also very irresponsible with his money management and his credit score is bad.  A few weeks ago his car was repo'd for being a couple of payments behind.  Because his credit is bad, he wasn't able to get a car loan on his own.  My husband, who is not his biological father graciously offered to lease a car in his name, and have my son make the payments... the agreement was that my son would have his pay check go directly into our account, and also pay off my son's bills so he can restore his credit and get back on track. For a week my son had to go with out a car... during that week he got fired from his job for being late too much in a 6 month period.  My son never told me.  He kept it from is and let my husband and I think he was still working. During that week my son was staying at his dad's house so I didn't see him.  We found out after getting unemployment documents for him in the mail.  When I called him to ask him about that, he finally admitted he was fired.  And the reason he didn't tell us was becuase he had a job opportunity that he felt pretty sure was going to get, and he didn't want to make me mad.  Really, he just wanted my husband to still get the car for him.  He did admit that he needed that car for is job interviews.  Needless to say, my husband and I were very mad.  My son had the car with him at his dad's when I found out.  I asked him ti bring the car home and to stay with his dad for a little while, which he did.  

Luckliy, my son did get a new job and starts tomorrow.  My husband and I talked about it over and over and decided we will give him another chance as long as he sticks to the original agreement.  We actually did this more because of my son's daughter, who also stays with us a few nights a week,  I also babysit her on Mondays.    So on Saturday, my son came back home.  He gave my husband money for the 1st car and insurance payment, so we let him have the car.  He apologized to me the last week saying he realized he was wrong, he hasn't apologized to my husband yet, although he hasn't really seen him.  We were gone all day on saturday, and then my son at his friend's house on Saturday night.  

When I finally had a chance to talk to my son yesterday, I asked him why he did that.  He realized it was wrong but felt sure he was going to get the job and still needed the car.  I told him how much I worried about him and how sick that made me.  He didn't seem empathetic.  He also said he is so sick of seeing me depressed and that I worry too much about him and even suggested I take depression medicine.  I thought he was being disrespectful and doesn't seem to care.  He ended up going over a friend's house last night and didn't come home.  His excuse was that he didn' want to drive all the way back to our house and then have to drive across town to pick up his daughter today.  I think he is also avoiding my husband.  Today he was supposed to come back home with his daughter.  When he texted me earlier, he got mad at me becuase I asked him if he was late picking up the baby.  And he never came home.  

I was hoping everything he went through was going to change him for the better.  But it doesn't seem that way.  I must be doing something wrong.  He doesn't like being aroung me.  

If anyone has any advice or can point out things that I am doing wrong I'd really appreaciate it. 

Thanks.  

Re: Need advice - Having issues with my 25 year old son

  • Definitely taking advantage of you, that's for sure.  I'd start by taking the car keys away and telling him the car is for interviews only until he gets a job.  And if showing you proof that he got a job is what it takes, then enforce it.  If he's going to act like a child then he may as well be treated like one.
  • Stop, stop the blaming yourself!  It sounds like he is still immature and just not quite fully cooked yet.  On the good side, he did get a new job and he did make his first car/insurance payment.  But, it is certainly really concerning.  I mean, if he had these conversations with you all to begin with...he wouldn't have had the first car repo'ed!!!  Does he perhaps suffer from depression also? 

    Keep in mind, people often use anger and avoidance when they are feeling guilty and bad about themselves.  It is easier to be mad at you or mad at your husband, than be mad at himself.  I'm sure a lot of it is also just laziness and procrastination.  The path of least resistance is just always singing her siren's call.

    Talk to him about putting together a budget.  This seems like a perfect opportunity.  He is starting a new job, he has a new car payment.  But tread carefully, you want him to see this as an opportunity, rather than blaming him.  It's a fine line but, at the same time, you don't want to see him run into the same troubles he did before.

  • Avoidance doesn't get anyone very far in life! At some point every needs to take responsibility and recognize the effects of actions. Has he ever seen a therapist to help with his coping skills?
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