Sex & Romance
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Is it right/normal/okay?

Hi all

I just wanted some honest feedback/input. I have been married for 7 and a half months. 
I am worried about sex. We had sex last night for the 1st time in about a month. Shouldn't we be at it all the time as newlyweds?

I am gonna sound like a selfish arse here but I feel that sex between us is always been focused on my wife's enjoyment, whereas in the past I have felt more desired by my lovers and felt that they genuinely want to please me/give me whatever I want. In the past, my ex-girlfriends used to pleasure me orally or manually on a very regular basis (daily) but nowadays my orgasm is a once weekly occurrence at best. 

I'll briefly run through the "usual" routine so you can give me feedback:
  • Start kissing/caressing on the sofa
  • Move to the bedroom
  • I go down on her for a while until she comes at least twice
  • Both get naked
  • We do missionary for about 10mins until she comes 2/3 times.
  • We switch position and she goes on top and grinds out 3 or 4 more orgasms.
  • She dismounts me and then gives me a handjob until I come. 

It feels a tiny bit like my pleasure is an afterthought (if that makes sense?).

Am I bad to feel like this? Am I bad husband? Should I speak to her about it and if so, how do I approach it without sounding like a moany old bastard?

Thanks!

J


Re: Is it right/normal/okay?

  • You definitely need to talk about this out of the bedroom in a non-confrontational manner.  There has to be a reason why she is doing what she does.  Maybe she thinks you prefer it...?  Maybe she's afraid of getting pg...?

    I think communication is the bigger issue here, not the sexy time.
  • She comes twice from oral and then 4-6 times from PIV? I'm sorry but she's faking it. And that's why your O is an afterthought.
    dancinxqueen324doeydoj3ffsgirl
  • Trust me - she's not faking. She's a very orgasmic person. Plus she leaves evidence on my face and other body parts
  • Well, it's not okay for you to expect a daily BJ/HJ if that's not something she's into.

    And IMO it's weird for you to need manual stimulation to get off after 10+ minutes of penetration. Especially if you're already getting off so infrequently. Most men go pretty quick if it's been a while since their last orgasm. And frankly, that much thrusting would have most women chafed and over it. At that point, I'd say you're lucky she gets you off by hand rather than letting you finish yourself.

    Also, just generally, yes your orgasm has to come last. Because most men are not multi-orgasmic and frankly if it takes so much work for you to have one I wouldn't expect you to try for more. Ergo, that needs to not happen until the end. I do still think it's taking you longer than is strictly healthy and that it's odd you apparently don't ever climax inside her.
    doeydo
  • Thanks for responding. I have always taken a long time to orgasm - it could well be to do with the anti-depressant medication I have been on for 15yrs +

    The not climaxing inside her is my issue I think. I am very scared of pregnancy and although she is on the patch I still find it hard to "let it go" inside.

    Is it bad to feel that I would like to be more desired/the focus of the sex more often?
  • edited January 2015
    jbien said:
    Hi all

    I just wanted some honest feedback/input. I have been married for 7 and a half months.

    I am worried about sex. We had sex last night for the 1st time in about a month. Shouldn't we be at it all the time as newlyweds?

    Forget what you hear --- it is all  bunk.:)

    Passion waxes and wanes; it also somewhat "matters" how long you have been together sexually up until now.

    I am gonna sound like a selfish arse here but I feel that sex between us is always been focused on my wife's enjoyment, whereas in the past I have felt more desired by my lovers and felt that they genuinely want to please me/give me whatever I want. In the past, my ex-girlfriends used to pleasure me orally or manually on a very regular basis (daily) but nowadays my orgasm is a once weekly occurrence at best.

    What you need to do:

    Talk to your wife!

    Communication is key! Without it, you have nothing at all -- that's communication for everything in your marriage.:)

    Expecting sex daily IS a bit too much.  When you are together and living together, you're going tro have a full plate: you will be busy with work all day and so will she, plus there will be things to do when you get home: cook dinner, maybe pick up the house a little bit, shop for food. maybe partake in a hobby you've got, answer emails or cell phone calls from your boss/work (nobody is ever "out of the office anymore") and by the time the day is done, you are going to be kind of exhausted.

    The only thing you're gonna wanna see is your bed...and the insides of your eyelids.:)

    I think twice or 3 times a week would be great!

    Does your wife go down on you?

    If not, I suggest that she start ---- talk it over with her; look into videos and sex manuals especially for couples and there is also a book called "The Ultimate Kiss."

    I am pretty sure the book is still in print.:)

    There is also masturbation for yourself, too, you know.:)


    I'll briefly run through the "usual" routine so you can give me feedback:
    • Start kissing/caressing on the sofa
    • Move to the bedroom
    • I go down on her for a while until she comes at least twice
    • Both get naked
    • We do missionary for about 10mins until she comes 2/3 times.
    • We switch position and she goes on top and grinds out 3 or 4 more orgasms.
    • She dismounts me and then gives me a handjob until I come. 

    It feels a tiny bit like my pleasure is an afterthought (if that makes sense?).

    It also looks a teeny bit too routine!:)

    Mix it up a bit - start with you putting on a show for her-- masturbate in front of her.

    (Leave some clothes on.:) Maybe leave your shirt on.)_

    Then go down on her. Find another position -- try doggie style --- and then have sex that way. Then have her reverse cowgirl you; from there, go to 69.

    Then put her into another position and have intercourse.

    Think of other things to do --- how about you set up a nice hot bath with bubbles, music  and some wine and cheese or other munchies --- and invite her in with you?:)

    Make this a Saturday thing, maybe --- you both have lots of time to relax.:)

    Try other things, like jumping into the shower with her when she is in it or you invite her to come in with you. 

    Hide around a corner and ambush her from behind; kiss her on the neck and tell her "this is a sexual stickup; come with me, lady...and don't gimme any funny business..."::) and then let nature take its course!:)

    Use your imagination!:) This is 99% of the fun of having sex!

    The same goes for her! Don't be shy about having some fun and making it silly at times.


    Am I bad to feel like this? Am I bad husband? Should I speak to her about it and if so, how do I approach it without sounding like a moany old bastard?

    Thanks!

    J


    As I said, communication is key.:)

    You need to talk - keep the communication open!

    Sit down with her on a Saturday when there are no interruptions -- don't answer your phones; just talk --- start out with "honey, I love you and sex with you is hot and fantastic; how do you think we can be hotter even still?"

    See what she says. Then you give your input. Tell her how hot it would be if she went down on you mroe often and perhaps in an unexpected way;

    Or ask for what you want during sex! Tell her to give you a handjob! "baby, go down on me" is another good way to express adequately what you want.:) 

    Let us know how you do --- like i said::

    Communication is key!
    Use your imagination!
    Don't be afraid to have fun!
    Mix up your routine!

    Wishing you luck.


  • jbien said:
    Thanks for responding. I have always taken a long time to orgasm - it could well be to do with the anti-depressant medication I have been on for 15yrs +

    The not climaxing inside her is my issue I think. I am very scared of pregnancy and although she is on the patch I still find it hard to "let it go" inside.

    Is it bad to feel that I would like to be more desired/the focus of the sex more often?
    Regarding the handjob every time --- maybe she is afraid of getting pregnant or this is some other psycholgical thing. Has this always happened? Have you ever ejaculated inside her?

    Talk to her.

    If she sstill is hesitant about you ejaculating inside her, see a sex therapist together.

    You can use your prolonged time to ejaculate to your advantage --- make sex last longer for both of you. Would something like talking dirty to you speed things up for you a bit? Would touching certain erogenous zones on yoru body speed up an ejaculation for you? 
  • If you haven't yet, you should discuss (outside the bedroom) your feelings and what you would like to do more of when you have sex.

    And possibly have a conversation with your doctor as well to see if s/he can adjust your medication or prescribe a different one to try and address your ejaculation issues.

    And double up your pregnancy prevention by wearing a condom. I understand putting a drop of lube in the condom can help with the sensation.
  • jbien said:

    Is it bad to feel that I would like to be more desired/the focus of the sex more often?
    I don't think your desire to have attention is bad at all. Everyone desires to receive affection/attention at one point or another. I think the media and stereotypes from society portray men as self-centered in the bedroom, which is not always the case! In an ideal world, couples share the focus with each other, reveling in the chance to shower the other with love and affection. You're not alone in feeling this way.
  • She comes twice from oral and then 4-6 times from PIV? I'm sorry but she's faking it. And that's why your O is an afterthought.
    This.
    Married 2011.
    Baby Boy 2015.
  • Trust me - she's not faking. I have been with enough women to know.
    She's just a very orgasmic person. Plus she leaves evidence on my face and other body parts (sorry if tmi!)
  • Vaginal fluids are not evidence of orgasm, just arousal. For the record. There is no actual physical evidence of female orgasm, which is in large part why it has not always been recognized throughout history.
  • Factually true, however in my experience there is a noticeable difference in texture and taste between the fluids of vaginal "lubrication", normal "come", and the "come" that is squirted as a result of a squirting orgasm.
  • I don't think that you should expect a hand or blow job daily, but it may be fair for you to say that your pleasure is more of an afterthought. 

    In general, I think that you could be approaching sex differently. You're focusing A LOT on orgasms (hers or yours) and not as much on the full experience. On that subject, a woman does not regularly have 7-10 actual orgasms in a single lovemaking session (unless she's very young, and even then it's rare). The fluid is different because it's a different type of pleasure, but, like a PP said, there is no physical evidence of female orgasm. The difference in the quality of the fluid is not evidence that she's had an actual orgasm.

    Here's what I think you should do:
    - Change up the routine, it kills any sense of spontaneity
    - Don't focus on achieving orgasm or her orgasms
    - Ask her if she could perform oral sex sometimes 
    - Do some research on the effectiveness of the patch so that you're more comfortable with ejaculating inside of her. Switching from penetration to a hand job simply to have an orgasm again brings all the focus on the orgasm (not very romantic!) and you're not fully relaxed (which makes it less satisfying)

    Also, consider talking to your doctor about the effect of your antidepressant. Like PPs said, thrusting for 15+ minutes can be not pleasurable for women and can also begin to hurt. Lube helps with the latter, but not the former. She could give you oral sex to bring you closer to that point, and then switch to penetration. 

  • Thank you for taking the time to respond. I guess I have mostly seen sex as something that I do to give pleasure/orgasms. 

    I have had several partners who I have been able to give a number of orgasms per session and a few who have said I am the only person ever to give them squirting orgasms. My wife is quite young and she tells me she has always been able to have a large number of simultaneous orgasms. 

    I am very fearful of an unwanted pregnancy which is why I have trouble relaxing enough to ejaculate inside her (although I sometimes will when using a condom as extra protection). I will give your suggestions a try.

    Thanks again.
  • You're welcome! I think that the beginning of your response is really telling - you write that "I guess I have mostly seen sex as something that I do to give pleasure/orgasms". Of course, orgasms are the "peak" of pleasure, but there's a lot of pleasure leading up to it. I used a to focus a lot on ensuring that my partner achieved orgasm and with time realized that it was keeping me from having a full experience and putting pressure on my partner to get to that point. 

    Of course, it's possible that your wife is achieving that many orgasms, just very rare! Good for you!

    I reread my response and think I may have come across harsher than I intended. You should probably talk to your wife about wanting her to give you more attention. That's really fair. 



  • talk with your wife
    about your desires
  • jbienjbien member
    First Comment
    Hi Gaby

    Thanks so much for your reply and all your suggestions. I will definitely be trying some of them out :)

    JJ
  • If my husband takes to long to get off I do that as well. It gets tiring. But I also know that he can't help it.
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