Family Matters
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Cut ties with Mom

XmiaXXmiaX member
First Comment
edited February 2015 in Family Matters
So, I've never posted on a forum before but Im up and can't sleep because I really don't know what to do. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. My whole life my mom has given me mixed signals/advice. Either I'm too fat or too thin because of this I developed an eating disorder at the ago of 9. Then I'm either too stupid or too smart. My biggest dream when I was younger was to become a lawyer, however I was told that I wasn't smart enough for that so I should put that idea to rest. So I decided that I wanted to become a hairdresser however then I was told that a hairdresser was a typical "woman profession" and that i would be looked down upon if I chose to go ahead with needless to say I was so confused as a teenager that I ended up dropping out of college because I didn't know what to do with my life. However the nagging continued..what would I do with my life, am I not going to uni etc, so at 25 I decided to study psychology in another country. This was a big opportunity and for once my mom was supportive. I was hoping my mom would come and visit me, after all I had moved away from all my friends and family but she always had an excuse not to come. At the end of my third year and close to finishing my degree my life took a horrible turn, I realised I was pregnant however me and my BF was living in accommodation provided by the pub I worked for and obviously babies was not allowed. I was scared and didn't know what to do as at that time we had no money to move out or provide for a baby. Unfortunately we never found out what would have happened as I miscarriages at 10 weeks and had to go to hospital to remove the baby. I was devastated but my mom didn't seem to care. Two weeks later I got really ill and had to go back to hospital it turned out they hadn't been able to remove everything and I needed another surgery, by this time I was in absolute bits... And it got worse a week later I was told by my boss that me and my bf had to move out of our accommodation. We had two weeks. Luckily we were able to move into my BF's parents after being homeless for two days.I tried to talk to my mom for comfort but all she could say that it was good I miscarried as there was obviously something wrong with the baby.. Needless to say I was unable to finish my degree due to all the stress, and I had to start working full time to support myself. Fast forward a couple of years we're still living with my now fiancées parents however we both have ok jobs so things are easier, I just got a new job when I found out I was pregnant. We were over the moon and the first thing I do after confirming with doctor is calling bot my parents. My dad is so happy that he started crying on the phone ( my parents divorced when I was 3) however when I tell my mom her immediate responds is how far are you. I say 6 weeks and she says oh well that's still early days, anything can happen. Again I was distraught by my mothers words. All through my pregnancy she never calls, never asks how I'm doing and she is blaming it on distance that she doesn't connect with my pregnancy. When my son is born she shows some kind of interest but not for long. She came over to see me but barely wanted to hold him, and this has been the same pattern every time we have met since. So... Today's event.. It has really bothered me that I was never able to finish my degree, I was only one essay away from finishing and I've tried to find ways to complete the corse ( which my mom has been nagging me to do since I had to quit my studies) finishing this degree also has a huge financial impact as my 40k student loan will be cut in half when I complete the degree. I was told today that if I can pay the tuition fee with a few weeks Im allowed back to complete the course, however this is the last year the course is running so I would have to complete it by June this year. We're getting married in a few months so all of our savings have been tied up and gone to pay this wedding, so I asked my mom ( who last time I saw her bragged about how much money she has in the bank and that she doesn't know what to spend her money on) if I could borrow the money and I'll pay her back monthly and as fast as I can. Straight away I got a no...I've just had it with her now. She is the most selfish person I know. She knows my situation, we live in a room with our 10month old son at my fiancées parents because we can't afford to move out at the moment, I have a 40k student loan whis basically is for nothing if I don't complete the course and I know she has the money yet she won't help. I'm at the point where I don't want her in my wedding and actually I never want to see her again, however how do I say this to her and will I regret it? And how will my son feel about growing up and not seeing one of his grandparents? Im sorry for the essay, I just don't know what to do.

Re: Cut ties with Mom

  • I'm sorry for all that you have been through. I would probably start trying to cut ties with your mom a bit. I'm not saying to completely cut her out of your life, but get to the point where her actions don't bother you as much and you feel less dependent on her. Have you spoken with a counselor? They can be so helpful in situations like this.

    As for the money, I would not ask her to borrow again. You are an adult, and despite the tense relationship she was within her rights to say no. My parents probably would have, too. If you only have one course left, can you take out a small loan to cover it? Or perhaps a signature loan from a bank or credit union? Could you wait until next semester and save up the money, or apply for enough small private scholarships (many of which nobody applies for!) to cobble together the difference?
  • I'm sorry you're going through this. I suggest reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. There's a lot of good advice in there about how to set boundaries and take care of yourself.

    As for your son growing up without one of his grandparents, well, I worry about the same thing with my dad and my husband's mom but I think when your son gets a little older you can explain to him that you don't have a relationship with your mom and you decided to keep him away for his own safety.
  • I understand your hurt feelings over your mother's behavior over the years, but if you're going to be mad over something, don't let it be over money.  She has the right to decide what she does with her money, including whether or not she provides you with a loan. 

    IF you want to finish your degree (don't let your mother pressure you into finishing it if you aren't interested), try to get a school loan or scholarships as mentioned above. The best option would be to avoid adding any more debt, and use what little money you have to pay for your last course.  If you're using up your savings to pay for your wedding, then you really can't afford to have one.  Scrap the big wedding, and go for a simple civil ceremony.  You can throw yourself a big anniversary party once you can afford it. 
  • Thanks for the advice on this. The problem isn't really with the money itself, I can get a load to cover it and that's what I'll have to do, the problem is that she can help and won't. She was a student when me and my sister was growing up and we had nothing growing up. My dad was quite wealthy and had to pay quite a lot of child support for us each month. Apart from having a roof over our head we did not benefit for this at all as my mom used this money to study for 10 years (without having to get a student loan), instead of getting a job to provide for her children. I guess this is what makes me so angry. I've had time to calm down and I think I will write her an email telling her how I feel, and if she can't handle hearing it then so be it I guess.
  • XmiaX said:

    I've had time to calm down and I think I will write her an email telling her how I feel, and if she can't handle hearing it then so be it I guess.

    Good luck! Keep us posted. I think at the very least you'll feel better for saying what you need to say.
  • puppylove2014puppylove2014 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    I am sorry for the difficult times you have been through, however, I think it's time to stop blaming your mother and start taking responsibility for your decisions.

    According to your time line you have to be in your 30's or close to it. Your situation is due to choices you've made. My parents would not be paying for anything at this point in my life. Especially if I were spending all my money on a wedding while 40k in debt and living with my FI's family. Nope.

    As far as the emotional issues you have with your mother, I think counselling would help. It's important to work through your feelings so you can move past them and have a happy, healthy, life.

  • So thanks for the advices. I have been going to counselling for years while I was studying and it has actually brought more issues up. For now I have decided to leave things as they are but I will be telling her how I feel once the dust has settled. I think there has been some misunderstanding on the money issue though. The problem was that the fee needed to be paid in a few weeks. Thats the reason I asked to borrow the money. I would be able to pay it back in less then a year and this is why it was quite upsetting that she wouldn't help when she is sitting on the money. I never asked her to give it to me.
    to be honest it's a bit harsh to say that my situation is due to the choices I have made. Yea I've made some bad choices in life but having a miscarriage and being made homeless wasn't one of them and the stress of that was what caused me not to being able to finish my degree. As for paying for the wedding... I only found out this week that I was able to return to uni. We've been planning the wedding since last year and it's been paid for before I found out about returning. And again, living with my in laws , I'm not sure where in the world you live but where we live it is practically impossible for new parents to get their own house as the cost of childcare is close to a monthly wage and it's impossible to rent on one income... But again money was never the issue in this post, it was that it was the final straw in a series of disappointments from my mom where she could have helped but wouldn't. I would never have asked her if I had more time to come up with the money.
  • Your mother is not obligated to help you financially. Giving a loan is still financial help. If you are grown enough to get married and have children, you should be able to take care of yourself and not expect your mother to bail you out. Why do you think you are entitled to that? 

    It seems like you need to reevaluate your priorities. I would think that finding your own place to live is much more important than a wedding. My husband and I live in a very expensive city and we still managed to rent a small one bedroom when he lost his job. 

    I can see why you would be upset by your mother's comments when you had the miscarriage. However, I'm not sure why you would expect loving support from your mother if she has never been that kind of person. It could be that your mother is disappointed in you for becoming pregnant twice, not finishing your education and living with your fiance's parents. I don't think any parent would be happy to see their adult child in that situation, especially if that adult had the nerve to ask for money. 

    Sometimes parents choose not to help adult children in order to foster some independence and personal responsibility. 
  • XmiaXXmiaX member
    First Comment
    edited February 2015
    Again, I did not think I was entitled to it, have I said that? But I think every person on this planet is entitled to motherly love and a safe and caring upbringing and to feel supported by the person who should be closest to you. I was disappointed that she would not help me when in fact she had mentioned in past that she would. It is not hard for me to get a loan to pay the tuition fee, but I asked her so that I wouldn't have to get a loan with interest, anyway the course has been paid for now.
    As for my wedding, it's funny that it's instantly assumed that this is an expensive wedding when it's not, it is very much a budget wedding, and again it's been planned for a year and is irrelevant in the equation as it has already been paid for before I found out about being able to return to uni.

    And as well living with the inlaws have not been an issue here, we are happy here for now and are planning to move out this summer when I return to work, so again irrelevant. I asked merely because of the deadline I had to come up with the money and not having the full amount for the balance in the bank at the moment. My mom has done the same thing in the past with her parents when her and my dad divorced.
    And let's not forget the fact that she was living of my dad for almost 20 years after they got divorced instead of actually getting a job and paying her own way. So I don't think aking for a 2k loan to pay my final tuition is THAT horrendous in comparison. If anyone were to teach me about independence and responsibility she'll definitely be the last person to be able to say anything about that. Also, I have never asked her for any financial help before, not once. I've only asked her to be emotionally available as a mother.

    What do you mean about becoming pregnant twice? I had one miscarriage and then I got pregnant again, this time a planned pregnancy. Should I not be allowed to keep my baby just because we live with my finances parents or haven't finished my education?! My son is a blessing in our lives and brough our whole family together and brought me closer to my fiances parents who by the way are very happy to have us stay with them. They were the ones who offered, we never asked for any help. Staying here have been a great help with guidance for the baby as none of my own family live in this country.

    And as for insinuating that I'm not independent. I am very independent, I have lived on my own since I was 17 and moved to anothe country on my own when I went to uni. I have surrounded myself with good people none who I knew before I moved here. unfortunately some bad things happened and I was unable to finish uni or work for a while because I was depressed after what happened. I have worked my ass of to try to get back to uni, and it has finally paid off so I not sure where the lack of responsibility part comes in. I'm currently raising my son, trying to finish my degree, which includes an evening placement and I will go back to work in a few months, so don't dare to say that I'm not taking responsibility over my own life. I have never BLAMED my mom for what happened but i don't think I need to defend myself for wanting a mother who cares, or to feel some love from my mom. That is what this post was about, that Im not sure if I want her in my life cos I feel she makes me more upset, and that was the question asked. If she is not there to be a mother then why do I need her in my life. this post was made from an emotional perspective but obviously everyone has been caught up in the money issue, which again, it was not about the money.

  • @XmiaX there are a lot of people in the world who have nice, loving moms and dads. To those people who have never been deeply injured by a parent, they automatically assume you're a brat, or entitled, or selfish, or any other number of things. You don't have to explain the way you feel again and again to them. I think your first post perfectly summed up why you take issue with your mother and you're 100% allowed to feel the way that you do.

    Unfortunately, for people like us who have a shit parent, we will always find ourselves defending our feelings and choices to other people who don't know what we went through growing up.
  • XmiaXXmiaX member
    First Comment
    edited February 2015
    Thank you Joleri. I have to say that when I wrote the post I probably expected to hear from people that have been in the same situation to share their advice and how they maybe resolved the issue. Being told that I'm irresponsible and not independent isn't exactly helping how I feel. I didn't write the post for sympathy but for advice. It's right what you say, if you've never grown up in a world where your parent doesn't care about you won't understand the emotional wound and feeling of loneliness it leaves you with.
  • LOL! Talk about assuming things...

    Look, one can wallow in self pity, or learn to rely on themselves and make the life they want. I chose the latter. That's probably why I'm not sugar coating things for OP. It doesn't help. What helps is a long hard look at the root cause of your situation and taking action to change it. GL.
  • XmiaXXmiaX member
    First Comment
    edited February 2015
    Uuuum and what am I assuming exactly and how the hell do I self pity??
    "Your situation is due to choices you've made" that was your words. So what situation am I in and what choices did I make to get in this "situation" feel free to elaborate!
    LOL yea, so if you actually read what I wrote instead of jumping to conclusion about other things you probably would have seen that I'm actually trying to take action to change it, hence my question should I cut her out of my life so I don't feel hurt by her anymore. The rest of my so called "problems" which have been so kindly pointed out are things I am dealing with. I'm getting my degree, I'm getting married, when I return to work we will move out and my student loan will be halfed so yea I completely fail to see how I'm not taking charge over my own life and fixing it? We have accepted the help we've been given after going through a hard time, that has nothing to do with not being able to rely on myself. We have lived with my fiances parents because they offered and it makes my sons life better staying here than in some rough neighbourhood or tiny apartment because that's what we can afford until I'm back to work.

    And not that this is relevant but it seems everyone is so shocked by us staying here. My sister moved back in with my mom two years ago due to her relationship breaking down and she had no where to stay. When she wanted to move out and in with her new boyfriend my mom LIED and said she had proof of him cheating and putting seeds of doubt in her head about her boyfriend so that my sister wouldn't move out... She did this because she knows that without my sister living there she is just a miserable old woman who drove everyone away due to her mental abuse.

    Yet it is still quite a hard decision to make cutting ties with your own mother and your child's grandmother! So unless you can wrap your head around that or unless you can relate to what growing up with the shit and mental abuse that she put us through,then I don't really need your advice.

    Talk about being self righteous!
  • The assumption I was referring to was that those who disagree with you had "nice, loving moms and dads who never deeply injured us". 

    My point was, many of us have shitty parents but choose to rise above it and you can too. I'm very happy for you that you've chosen to finish your degree and improve your life for the long run. 

    Beyond that, your mother is who she is. She isn't going to be who you want her to be. Neither is mine. Again, GL.
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