So, I've never posted on a forum before but Im up and can't sleep because I really don't know what to do.
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.
My whole life my mom has given me mixed signals/advice. Either I'm too fat or too thin because of this I developed an eating disorder at the ago of 9. Then I'm either too stupid or too smart. My biggest dream when I was younger was to become a lawyer, however I was told that I wasn't smart enough for that so I should put that idea to rest. So I decided that I wanted to become a hairdresser however then I was told that a hairdresser was a typical "woman profession" and that i would be looked down upon if I chose to go ahead with that..so needless to say I was so confused as a teenager that I ended up dropping out of college because I didn't know what to do with my life.
However the nagging continued..what would I do with my life, am I not going to uni etc, so at 25 I decided to study psychology in another country. This was a big opportunity and for once my mom was supportive. I was hoping my mom would come and visit me, after all I had moved away from all my friends and family but she always had an excuse not to come. At the end of my third year and close to finishing my degree my life took a horrible turn, I realised I was pregnant however me and my BF was living in accommodation provided by the pub I worked for and obviously babies was not allowed.
I was scared and didn't know what to do as at that time we had no money to move out or provide for a baby. Unfortunately we never found out what would have happened as I miscarriages at 10 weeks and had to go to hospital to remove the baby. I was devastated but my mom didn't seem to care. Two weeks later I got really ill and had to go back to hospital it turned out they hadn't been able to remove everything and I needed another surgery, by this time I was in absolute bits...
And it got worse a week later I was told by my boss that me and my bf had to move out of our accommodation. We had two weeks. Luckily we were able to move into my BF's parents after being homeless for two days.I tried to talk to my mom for comfort but all she could say that it was good I miscarried as there was obviously something wrong with the baby..
Needless to say I was unable to finish my degree due to all the stress, and I had to start working full time to support myself. Fast forward a couple of years we're still living with my now fiancées parents however we both have ok jobs so things are easier, I just got a new job when I found out I was pregnant. We were over the moon and the first thing I do after confirming with doctor is calling bot my parents. My dad is so happy that he started crying on the phone ( my parents divorced when I was 3) however when I tell my mom her immediate responds is how far are you. I say 6 weeks and she says oh well that's still early days, anything can happen. Again I was distraught by my mothers words. All through my pregnancy she never calls, never asks how I'm doing and she is blaming it on distance that she doesn't connect with my pregnancy. When my son is born she shows some kind of interest but not for long. She came over to see me but barely wanted to hold him, and this has been the same pattern every time we have met since.
So... Today's event.. It has really bothered me that I was never able to finish my degree, I was only one essay away from finishing and I've tried to find ways to complete the corse ( which my mom has been nagging me to do since I had to quit my studies) finishing this degree also has a huge financial impact as my 40k student loan will be cut in half when I complete the degree. I was told today that if I can pay the tuition fee with a few weeks Im allowed back to complete the course, however this is the last year the course is running so I would have to complete it by June this year. We're getting married in a few months so all of our savings have been tied up and gone to pay this wedding, so I asked my mom ( who last time I saw her bragged about how much money she has in the bank and that she doesn't know what to spend her money on) if I could borrow the money and I'll pay her back monthly and as fast as I can. Straight away I got a no...I've just had it with her now. She is the most selfish person I know. She knows my situation, we live in a room with our 10month old son at my fiancées parents because we can't afford to move out at the moment, I have a 40k student loan whis basically is for nothing if I don't complete the course and I know she has the money yet she won't help. I'm at the point where I don't want her in my wedding and actually I never want to see her again, however how do I say this to her and will I regret it? And how will my son feel about growing up and not seeing one of his grandparents?
Im sorry for the essay, I just don't know what to do.