Hello everyone --
I am new here, but have been 'in the background' a bit just reading others' issues and all of the advice, etc. I love all of the support I am seeing, and I feel like this may help me air out some issues and get much needed advice.
So, a little bit of background on SO and I. We were married 3 years ago, together 1 year before that. I met him at my previous job, and we really hit it off - things were great, he was amazing - so supportive, nice, caring, all of the above. He went above and beyond for me anytime he could. I fell head over heels for this man.
My family was a tad hesitant, as he is 19 years my senior. Initially, I would have never guessed he was that much older than me. He was fun, outgoing, spontaneous, had a great career and was stable. Everything I wanted in a man. He eventually convinced my family he was everything that I saw in him.
I got pregnant almost a year into our relationship. We were married a few months later. It wasn't frilly and unexpected, but I felt like it was the best decision we could make. It went very well, the wedding was beautiful for being thrown together in a few weeks. I was very happy.
Then it changed.
I feel like he was a different man after we got married. He stopped being spontaneous. He stopped talking to me as much. It was like everything just did that. Stopped. Me being pregnant, I thought it was just my emotions playing a part in it. My best friend, who I talk to every day, has always told me it was him - that he was never who I fell in love with. She saw something "change" in him. I would talk to him too, not just her. He would always say "stress at work", "stressed about money", etc. So, I'd try to help as much as I could, but it would just continue like this. Like a cycle of ups and downs.
(*Sorry if this is jumbled at all, it's difficult for me to convey these things sometimes)
Anyway, our son was born. This was a difficult time for me. I had postpartum depression, I felt so sad and scared. He was not much help to me during the first months of his life. He didn't know how to help, he didn't know what to do. He would take him for a few hours at night so I could sleep, then I had him the rest of the time while he went to work, etc. It has since gotten much better, but I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I wasn't necessarily ready to be a mom, but who is?! Being a SAHM was hard on me at first as well. I still struggle with it. I love it, and I love being there for my son every step of the way. But I feel like I lost my identity.
Which brings me to issue number 1. -- My husband makes me feel guilty for going out.
I have one true friend that I spend time with - and my mom. He says he doesn't care, but he makes me feel guilty any time I go away on my own. If he stays with the baby (now 2.5), it's like he has an upper hand on me for awhile. My husband works a lot, and every time I ask to go out or have a break, he always brings that up. He says he has things he needs to do, and when he gets time away from work, I always ask for something and he never gets to do anything on his "list". This is not true.. I maybe go out alone once or twice a month. Seriously, it's never more than 3-4 hours either. Never an all day excursion. I don't take up tons of time "going out", and he always has time to do other things when I get back or I try to make it so he can do things before I go, etc.
My second main issue is that he expects SO much from me.
He says he doesn't, but this is probably the biggest culprit for our many fights. I ask him all of the time - is there anything I can help with? Anything I can do for you? -- I cook, I clean the house, do laundry, I take care of our son all day. This is what I consider my "job" as a wife. We set it up that way - he goes to work, comes home and works on outside "stuff", and other manly chores.
Well, we have come to the point where he gets stressed at work, comes home, then takes it out on me. He says I don't do enough here, says I don't help him with his "list" -- I really don't even know what his list consists of! It's usually things I just don't do, which makes him angry at me. He told me there should never be anything "I just don't do". Examples of things he wants me to do - measure, and go get quotes for cabinets for the kitchen. Get quotes and talk to a contractor about our home remodel and addition. I tell him I don't feel comfortable doing some of these things, and that upsets him. I will call a contractor, but I want my husband here when they come here. He doesn't see that as a big deal.
Another issue - he doesn't compromise.
Example - I would love to list our home for sale. I know many things come with listing a home, and I know it is a lot of work. My husband owned this house before we met, and he made it into a "bachelor pad". Thinking he would never get married again, he remodeled it as a one bedroom loft house. It has one bathroom with a shower. It is gorgeous on the inside, but it is very small and cramped. There are toys everywhere. My son loves baths, and takes one in a small tub I bought on Amazon. He barely fits anymore. I've asked my husband if we can add a tub, and he tells me "when we put on the addition". I don't feel like and addition will take away the problems this home has.. I know it will help with our space issue, but there are other reasons I want to list. There are about 40 steps down to our home. We live on a small lake, and sit in a sort of "bowl". So, we have no garage, we park up a hill and walk down said 40 steps to our house. My son, groceries, anything we buy, have all come or fallen down those steps more than once. I despise them. Our lot is small, and doesn't allow for a garage to be built. We are planning for a driveway down the side of our house, but it is quite steep. When the 2 story addition (which will add a 4 season room and a master bedroom) is built, it will take out another good chunk of our already small yard. My husband is just so in love with the lake, this house, he does not want to move or consider moving. I've tried so hard to see the good in this house, and it is cute and I do like it but it isn't functional for us as a family. My husband refuses to see that. There is more to this (money/costs, etc), but I will stop here with this one.
The last issue I will tell you about is this. I feel like he's just mean. A lot.
I feel like I ask him "what's wrong?" a lot. I feel like I've been supportive of him. Maybe I haven't been enough for him? I don't know for sure. Anyway, he doesn't say nice things to me. When we fight, he's called me names. He's thrown things, gotten in my face. He has never hit me, but he looks at me with a disgust at times. A look I just can't unsee. My best friend tells me she thinks it's just him, that he's just a dick.. Always has been, always will be. I'm starting to feel like this may be true. I have asked him if he knows he acts this way, or if he realizes he's being an ass and he says "yes", like he's proud. The last few times we have fought, it ends in me screaming at him and crying. I just am fed up with his unwillingness to see what I see. I've told him that I think we need to see a counselor - and I'm actually going to one this week, just for me though. I want to try, and I feel like that's all I've been doing since we got married. Him on the other hand? I barely get anything from him. He's affectionate, but not too often. Our sex life is basically nonexistent. I'm young, and I want it a lot. He used to.. and now I'm just thinking it's the age difference? Maybe I expect too much? I don't know. I feel like I'm just old and worn down, and I am only 24.
I have so much more to say,/more examples, etc. but I will leave it at this for now. I'm interested to see what you ladies (and men) have to say about this.
What do you think, what would you do?