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My family doesn't know I exist, should I get in contact?

The story so far... I was born from an affair, my biological father told my mother that he and his wife were separated and going through divorce procedures, by the time she learned that they were still together she had already fallen pregnant with me.

My half brothers and sisters don't know I exist, I'd like to make contact with them but I'm scared they'll recent me and blame me for what happened. I guess what's changed is recently I've learnt that I'm now an aunty and my niece is the spitting image of me. I feel that time is now running out, my father is in his 70's, not particularly healthy and hasn't contacted me in 20 years. (I'm now 24 years old)

I fully intend on attending his funeral when he eventually passes as I'm a human being and I deserve the right for closure just as much as anyone else but should I lie for his mistakes? Should I never tell my siblings that I exist? I'd like to approach them before he passes and give them the option to know me but I don't want to hurt the family, I know after he passes I wont be able to do it as I'll feel guilty that they won't be able to get an explanation from him. Even after everything he's done, I can't bring myself to have anymore casualties bought into the situation, I understand the reasons why he left me and I forgive him for that, but I don't think I can forgive him for lying to them and treating me like a dirty little secret.

What should I do? Please Help.

Re: My family doesn't know I exist, should I get in contact?

  • You've had no contact w/ your father for 20 years but yet you know he's sick and that you have a niece who looks just like you.  how do you know these things? 
  • lil+kim+24lil+kim+24 newb
    First Comment
    edited December 2014
    Because our two families live close to each other but my mum and I moved when I was 7 and now live 2 hours drive away. I am only aware of this because my family know he's my bio father and keep me updated. It's a lot easier to know 'these things' when you know who someone is and where they live.

    I've tried making contact on numerous occasions by letter and phone but he has never replied or returned a call so has made it clear that he does not want me in his life. All I want to do is give my sisters/brothers/possible grandparents the choice to know me and if they choose not to then at least I know I tried.
  • For the fact it's clear he doesn't want you in his life (which I'm sorry to hear- this can't be easy for you), I think for you to approach his family w/o his blessing could cause a lot of problems and REALLY piss him off - to the point that it will do more damage to any hopes of a relationship w/ your half siblings. 

    You said you'd only do it while he's still alive so that he can answer their questions, but I don't know that it would really work out that way. 

  • Is your half siblings' mom still alive? Did she know about you and/or the affair? Did they stay together or get divorced? Do you know if he remained active in his other children's lives?

    I think I'd be really cautious in this situation. Personally, I wouldn't do anything while he's alive, seeing as how it might cause a lot of pain for the siblings while they are also processing his declining health. At that point, I might send a letter with zero expectation of return. Just explaining your lack of hard feelings about the situation but also a desire to make a connection with the family.

  • No, none of this can be easy. I wish you luck with this endeavor.

    I think simplyelise has a good idea.

    Let us know what happens.
  • I feel for you, I am in the same situation with the added twist that my father was married to my aunt when the affair happened. In my case I know I have at least 4 half brothers and a half sister who as far as I know only think I am a cousin there could be more as I gather my biological dad remarried at least once after splitting from my aunt. I have often thought of letting this secret out but have worried about the reaction I would get so dishing out advice to you when I dont even know what I should do would be kinda stupid of me.
    The one thing I can say is that one of my brothers/cousins died a few years back and I was at his funeral, this was very upsetting for me and I left right after the service without going to wake afterwards.
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