Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

What to do???

I'm at a loss here....to make a very long story short..... I've been married for almost 21 years. When I first married I had a daughter from my previous marriage that only lasted 7 months or less. My daughter is now 24 and her and my husband don't get along at all. My husband helped raise her since she was 2 but now he can't stand her. He was very strict on her while she was growing up ( I think too strict ) and I didn't have the guts to stand up to him like I should have but it's in the past now. My husband doesn't like her boyfriend at all and husband doesn't want my daughter at our house and he gets mad at me when I go see her ONCE a week for 30 minutes on her lunch break. Today was the day I go see her and he called me about the same time and he got angry I was there seeing her. He is still mad now and has went to bed without speaking to me. I'm at my wits end and just don't know how to handle this. In your opinion am I wrong for just blowing my husband off to visit my daughter on her lunch when my husband doesn't approve??? Stupid question I know but I want some outside advice. Pleas give me your advice. I know I didn't give a lot of info but it's such a long story I didn't want to bore you all with it. Any and all advice would be much appreciated! Thanks in advance!!

Answers

  • Something is missing. I don't understand why he is mad at you for visiting your daughter. Did your daughter disrespect him? Did he tell you that he didn't want you to have contact with your daughter anymore? You two need to talk and no I don't think you're wrong for visiting your daughter.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TTC since September 2012
  • The fact that after he's been in the picture for 22 years and basically raised her and it's all "My" daughter vs "our" daughter - it's pretty telling. 

    I would like to know exactly why he wants nothing to do with her and why he doesn't want to see her and doesn't want you to see her either. 

    But unless there are some REALLY compelling reasons why he's cutting her out of his life - all I really can say is:

    This is your DAUGHTER.  Your CHILD.  If you have to choose between the two, I'd damn well hope you'd choose her. 

    I also wonder, since he was so strict w/ her and now seems to feel he has the right to dictate to you who you will and won't see, how controlling he's been over the years and in what other ways he's been like this with you.  I doubt this is all really new behavior.  It's just that's he's actually finally picked something that is too much for you. 

    WahooFleur67puppylove2014
  • I guess I'm wondering why your husband gets to tell you what to do.

    Your husband was "too strict" (read: controlling) with your daughter.  Now your daughter has grown up and doesn't have to listen to him.  So now he wants nothing to do with her, and is controlling the only one left in the house - you. 

    Let him be mad. 

    If my H ever started pulling hissy fits with me when I told him I was visiting my (our) kids, I'd tell him to stuff it, and if he didn't like it - don't let the door hit him on the way out.  I would also remind him that it is my house too and my kids WILL be coming over.

    Now, I usually don't TELL my H "this is the way it's going to be" (after many IL issues, annoying relatives on both sides), we DO work together when dealing with difficult people, but this is one issue where I would stand up and tell him NO.

    If there is more to this story (for example, your daughter was using drugs in your home, or her boyfriend has a police record), then I'd reconsider my advice.  As it is, you married a controlling a-hole who is now trying to manipulate you with his "anger." 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
    puppylove2014
  • I have to agree with pp's. Either there is way more to this story, or your husband is a controlling ass.

    No way would I allow my husband to tell me not to see my child. Not a chance.
  • There is more to this story than first thought but relying on the little facts that are presented. Your husband isn't right in telling you not to see your daughter.
  • I'm at a loss here....to make a very long story short..... I've been married for almost 21 years. When I first married I had a daughter from my previous marriage that only lasted 7 months or less. My daughter is now 24 and her and my husband don't get along at all. My husband helped raise her since she was 2 but now he can't stand her. He was very strict on her while she was growing up ( I think too strict ) and I didn't have the guts to stand up to him like I should have but it's in the past now. My husband doesn't like her boyfriend at all and husband doesn't want my daughter at our house and he gets mad at me when I go see her ONCE a week for 30 minutes on her lunch break. Today was the day I go see her and he called me about the same time and he got angry I was there seeing her. He is still mad now and has went to bed without speaking to me. I'm at my wits end and just don't know how to handle this. In your opinion am I wrong for just blowing my husband off to visit my daughter on her lunch when my husband doesn't approve??? Stupid question I know but I want some outside advice. Pleas give me your advice. I know I didn't give a lot of info but it's such a long story I didn't want to bore you all with it. Any and all advice would be much appreciated! Thanks in advance!!
    What you and he need to do:

    Peacefully and unconfrontationally sit down and discuss this together.

    He's got no right to give you the silent treatment --- he may have another issue altogether and somehow this mess with your daughter got used as an excuse to shut you out and be a jerk about it.

    They do not get along? They can BOTH be civil to one another! There is no requirement they kiss and make up and be best friends, yanno!
  • I am not sure what you're looking to do here, are you looking for agreement to abandon your daughter so that you can keep your husband happy?  If so, you are in the wrong.  Unless your daughter has murdered someone or tried to seduce your husband, there is no reason whatsoever for you to feel guilty for visiting your daughter.  No one and I mean NO ONE can ever keep me away from my son no matter what has happened.  I carried him for 9 months and NO ONE messes with our relationship EVER and you need to set those boundaries with your husband.  Also, you need to find out immediately why he can't stand her and why he was so controlling of her all of this time.  There is something really weird about the quick turn around on his feelings towards her.
  • Concerned your H was a little too strict with her as she was growing up?

    Why didn't you have this concern about 18 years ago? Horse is kind of out of the barn here.
  • First, I want to thank each and everyone for your responses. I do realize I left things out of the equation because I was pushed for time last night and because I didn't want to bore all of you with the drama of my life too much. It seems maybe it is best to get a little more detailed so you can better understand my situation and I hope those of you who have posted will come back and make additional comments and suggestions. Here we go....remember this could be long... 


    I should start out by saying my husband has a daughter also....he gave her up back when she was about 7 because she lived in another state and every time we tried to get her for visitation there was always an issue with his x. Eventually it became too much and he decided for his daughters best interest to give all rights over. Since then however, he has contacted her and there are many issues with their relationship as well.I wont bother getting into that. My husband and I have a son together as well....sadly he is no longer here with us, back in January of 2012 he was killed in a car accident. I needed to point that out because some of your comments make me believe you think I don't care about my daughter or why didn't I do something about it years ago. I was trying at the time so hard because of our son as most people seem to do and still trying very hard to make this marriage work but it's difficult. Her stepdad was very strict on her as she was growing up. She was not allowed to talk to guys, date them or even talk about them. When my daughter was 18 she met a guy at the place she was working at who at the time she was crazy about so out of respect for her stepdad she decided to make him aware of the guy she was liking and asked her step dad if he would be willing to meet him and of course the answer was NO! My husband wanted no part of it. As you can well imagine it only got worse at that point. 


    H gave her a demand you break it off with this guy or you give me your car keys. A few days later H kicked her out of the house. I was furious so I left with her for a few days. I couldn't stay gone I had my son to return home to. My daughter moved in with her boyfriend. She lived with him for months, then eventually it was time for her to go off to college a few months thereafter. For a time things were better because she was gone off to college. I would go and visit her and H would get upset and cause me issues when I would return home. While she was away in college she eventually wanted to find out more about her biological father. Her biological father never had much to do with her while she was growing up. He would visit her from time to time and it was rather tough on my husband, he didn't like it and to be honest I didn't either because in the very beginning I tried so hard to get him to see her but he refused until she was about 12. By then I didn't care for him seeing her. 

    Moving forward...my daughter asked me my opinion about going to visit her biological father since her and my husband were no longer getting along and I agreed. Around the age of 20 she reunited with her biological father. It was 2 years later our son was killed in the car accident when he was 16. My daughter returned home, quit college and shortly after her relationship with her boyfriend ended. For almost a year after our sons passing my daughter lived with us and things were pretty good. It was great comfort for her to be back home for me and if truth be told I think it was for my husband as well. Slowly things started spiraling out of control. H began complaining because he didn't think she was doing enough around the house. Not working, etc. She was trying to find employment but was having no luck. 

    Later she met another guy, husband was good with this boyfriend at first but then he became upset with him when one day he had came to our home to visit my daughter. My H was outside working and the boyfriend didn't stop and ask H if he needed any help and instead walked past him to go inside to see my daughter. Another occasion we were all heading to church and H said something to her boyfriend sarcastically and her boyfriend responded with sarcasm. I don't remember exactly what the statements were. Later my daughter decided it was time for her to get her own place. It seemed H was causing her more problems because of new boyfriend. Ever since then H has written her boyfriend off. 

    Now every time I go and visit her on her lunch break my husband gets upset with me. I get the silent treatment. 

    I hope everything makes sense. I feel I went in circles with my situation but maybe things will be a little more clearer. 

    Any new suggestions?? Ideas?? Thoughts??
  • I'm sorry about the loss of your son.

    As you all had a child together, I do understand why you stayed and tried to make it work. 

    But now, at this point?  Your DD is an ADULT, as are you.  Nothing else in what you said changes my take- your DH sounds like a controlling ass.  I'd REALLY love to know more why his ex wasn't agreeable about allowing visitation w/ his DD.  Based on how he was w/ your DD - that might be very much in line as to why his ex pretty much ran away.

    I agree with Wahoo - he used to control your DD.  Now she's gone, so he's trying to control you.

    I want to say "confront him/ stand up to him" - but he's not going to change.  That's what you have to realize.  This is WHO  he is, through and through.  STay with him and have this be an issue forever more (and heck, could even get worse if you continue to 'betray' him by seeing your DD) or leave him and finally live your life for yourself and have a relationshpi w/ your DD w/o the burden of "how is DH going to react?".
    puppylove2014
  • Ok, the background story helps. I am sorry for the loss of your son. That is terrible.

    Your husband is unreasonably controlling. His attempts to control a grown woman are ridiculous. His excuse for not liking a boyfriend because he didn't behave exactly as he wanted is another example of his controlling nature. 

    As VOR said, this is who he is. He isn't going to change. This has been working for him so far. 

    I have a feeling this is not the only way he is controlling you. I also see why his bio daughter doesn't have a good relationship with him and wonder if the ex had good reason to keep him from her. 

    I am so sorry you are in this situation. As far as seeing your daughter, he is totally out of line. She has done nothing to deserve his wrath and neither have you. Beyond that, I wouldn't be able to live like this. I think you deserve a peaceful, happy existence after all you've been through. I don't think you'll get that with him.
    Disneygeek77
  • I agree with the PPs.  Your husband is super controlling and you need to make it clear to him that he is not going to get in the way of your relationship with your daughter.  If he doesn't like it then too bad for him, he can leave.  I am so sorry for the loss of your son and because of this loss you should work hard to keep the relationship with your daughter because she is all you have left.

    Your husband will not change and the fact that his ex kept herself and their daughter away from him is proof that there is something wrong with him that is not right for father/daughter relationship.

    I hope you find a way to get out of this situation because I know it must feel terrible for you.

  • Your H has essentially lost two children - your son and his daughter.
    You have lost a son.
    Do you want to lose the only child you have left on this earth?  That is a possible consequence of staying with your H, a man who does not allow your dd in his (?) home, who alienates her boyfriend (for not reading his mind and offering help with HIS yard).  

    I understand you have been with your H for a long time, but you now have a choice.  Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?  Sneaking out to see your own daughter, or "facing the consequences?"

    I would tell your H that you want family/marriage counseling now, or that you will leave him.  

    As for your daughter's relationship with her bio-dad - - people grow up and change after 12+ years.  Your ex may have been a bad parent and might not have been capable of being a dad for a young girl, but she is grown now. Of course you would resent all of the time  that you had no help, but at the same time don't begrudge your daughter a relationship with her dad.  It's something she needs, particularly after your H has not been a great emotional connection for her.  
    loves2shop4shoes
  • What would I do ?

    I wouldn't tolerate this from your husband for one second.  Yes this would be a deal breaker for me and yes it would be a hill to die on.  How dare he ask you to not have a relationship with your only surviving child.  

    He does not sound, how do I say this, mentally healthy.  I mean he doesn't like her boyfriend because he is not a mind reader and because he had the nerve to stand up for himself ?  

    To be honest, I would be miserable living like you have for so long.  No wonder you can't tell how terrrible is his behavior is.  
    puppylove2014
  • Thank you all again so much for your responses. Everything you all say I know, I know it's so stupid I keep putting myself through it. I feel maybe I've become numb to it and maybe I think things will get better with time but when I go way back into the past I seem exact same cycle. 

    It's frightening to think I continue to deal with it. The sad part is as long as my daughter is not brought into the equation our relationship is decent. I've made up my mind no matter what weather I stay or go someday my daughter will be a part of my life and he can DEAL with it. I think maybe I'm afraid of being alone and as sick as it sounds maybe even miss him. I just hate I'm not stronger in knowing what to do. I can see what needs to be done and should be done but something keeps me here.

    Thank you again everyone for your input, thoughts and suggestions. Im so glad I found this site. 
  • Look- don't feel bad for not wanting to be alone orfeeling you'll miss him. There ARE things you like - this is all normal. And while there is a tone of "leave him", that doesn't have to be the asnwer. BUt - I think you might benefit from some counseling. I think he would too, I just doubt he'd go. But you need to figure out at a MINIMUM how to tell him that this isn't his choice. If he has an issue w. DD, then that's HIS problem. Not yours. You aren't going to end your relationship with her - period.
    puppylove2014SueBear
  • Thank you VOR. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. We've been to counseling before and it really didn't help. It's been 4 days now and he still is not talking. The entire weekend was silent. I did cook meals and would ask him if he wanted to eat and I would get an answer but that was it. I'm determined I'm not going to "make up" with him because I didn't do anything. He has chosen to push me away and if that's the way he wants it then so be it. He's done the "silent treatment" before to me and I've always gave in and started the conversation before but this time, I'm done. I'm done playing his stupid, childish games. Anyway, sorry I vented. Thanks again.
  • Don't feel sorry for venting, that's what the community is for.  We vent, we get advice and we either follow it or we don't.

    I know some of the advice might sound harsh, it's just that some of us are strong and would not deal with behavior like that from our SOs.  You are not doing anything wrong and he should not get in the way or treat you like this because you see your daughter.  I would prefer to live alone than to live with someone that makes me feel alone all of the time.  But if you feel you need to be with him go ahead and be with him but don't let him ruin the relationship with your only living child because that's YOUR daughter and keep it up, don't give in let him make the effort so that he sees he is in the wrong.

  • I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.  And I agree with PPs, you should absolutely maintain a HEALTHY relationship with your daughter.  And if your H is going to act like a petulant child about it, so be it.

    If he wants to make this a "her or me" situation, tell him to pack his bags.  He needs to learn that you and your daughter are adults, and he doesn't get to be the fascist dictator of your family.  Marriage is about compromise and working as a team, not dictating what your spouse can and cannot do and then punishing her with silent treatment.

    Also, your daughter has done NOTHING to deserve the way he treats her.  And honestly, you owe her an apology for allowing your husband to behave in this way towards her.  I can't imagine it's been easy being your daughter through all of this.  Apologize, and then tell her that you will no longer allow your H to behave this way, and you will not accept him controlling your relationship anymore.
    Disneygeek77janined22
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards